Criminal Minded

by Tracy Brown

  I wasn’t satisfied with that explanation. “Do you love her, Lamin? The way you loved me?”

  I watched him think about my question, and I was scared that I wouldn’t like his answer. I remembered the advice my father gave me when I was in high school and had a crush on the captain of the football team. Daddy had said, “Be careful what you ask, because you might not want to hear the answer.” Finally, Lamin said, “I love Dream.” He seemed to hesitate to see what my reaction was. I sat silent and listened. So he continued. “I care for her, and she’s special to me. But I will never love another woman like I love you. You and me had somethin’ that I’ll never have with anybody else. You took care of me when I was down. You did what you had to do to keep me happy, and I took that for granted. I wish I had never let you down like that.”

  It got quiet for a minute. I let his words sink in. I wished it had been different, too. Lamin moved closer to me on the sofa and took my chin in his hand. “I will always love you, Lucky.”

  I tried to pull away, but he stopped me. He kissed me, and his lips felt so familiar, so delicious. Jalil’s face flashed in my mind, but I pushed it out. I gave in even though I knew I shouldn’t. Lamin was no longer my baby, no longer my man. He was somebody else’s husband. But I couldn’t help myself I missed his touch and missed making love to him. He touched me so softly and kissed me so gently and I gave in. I gave in to Lamin as he filled me up both physically and emotionally. It was the sweetest sex I ever had. We took our time, and it took all night. When the sun came up, I was laying in Lamin’s arms in my bed, wishing the night had never ended. He kissed me again and we stared at each other, both of us hoping to find the solution to our problems in each other’s eyes.

  We made love all morning. Then I brought him breakfast in bed, and we lay under the covers together like we used to. We stayed in bed all afternoon, and I felt like I was living in a fantasy. I forgot about his wife, I forgot about his betrayal and the pain he caused me. I forgot about Jalil and the gentle way in which he was loving me. It was all erased each time Lamin touched me, each time he told me he still loved me. I wanted Lamin back. That much, I was sure of.

  Lamin

  I was confused. I loved Lucky like I have never loved another. But I also loved Dream—differently—but I did love her. And I didn’t want to hurt either one of them. I wondered how it was possible to love two women so much at the same time and not be able to decide between them. Part of me felt like I had the best of both worlds. But that couldn’t last for long. Lucky didn’t pressure me. She didn’t ask me to leave Dream. But I knew she wanted me to. Dream was out of town for three days traveling as her job required her to. I spent those three days with Lucky. I called Dream when I could, checked in so that she wouldn’t know what I was doing. I told her that I was with my family, coping with Papa’s death. Dream was understanding. She told me she loved me and that she would be home as soon as she could to comfort me. And I felt fortunate. I felt blessed to have a wife who was so sweet, so considerate, and such a good woman. But Lucky still had my heart. I had to admit that the love I had for Lucky was deeper than anything I’d ever felt for Dream. So now, I had a decision to make.

  In the days I spent with Lucky, I rediscovered a part of myself I hadn’t seen in a while. Lucky brought out the best in me. Our connection wasn’t just physical—although the sex was out of this world. It was more than that. I began to wonder if I should follow my heart or if I should follow my head. My head was tellin’ me that I had a good thing with Dream. She was supportive. She was independent. She was a great chef and a damn good wife. But my heart was tellin’ me that Lucky was the one. We had a history together. She was the one I always thought I would marry, the one I wanted to have my babies. I had a love for her that I knew would never fade. So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either way, someone was bound to be hurt. I couldn’t make a decision without causing someone pain.

  Lucky woke me up on our last night together before Dream flew back into town. She shook me until I woke up and sat up in her bed to give her my attention. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Lamin, we need to talk about this,” she said. I glanced at the cable clock, which read 2:05 A.M. She continued. “I need to get this off my chest.” She took a deep breath and looked at me. “You hurt me, and I wanted to hate you. I wanted to forget about you and find someone else who would treat me better … but I can’t shake you. These past few days with you, being with you like this. I want us back. I want to be with you so bad.”

  I thought she was gonna cry. But she didn’t. Instead, she held it together and looked me dead in the eye as she spoke. I could tell there was a lot of feeling behind her words and I listened. She had my undivided attention.

  “Lamin, I don’t know what’s on your mind right now. All I know is that I care for you. And my feelings are genuine. I don’t love the ‘get money’ nigga with the drop top Benz, the diamonds in his chain, and the pinky ring. I love the nigga with the pain from the gunshots, the hunger for success, and the vision. I knew you when all you had was a hustle and a prayer. When you made it, I was your biggest cheerleader. Not ’cause you was paid, Lamin. You said that you thought I would stay put for the money and the trips …”

  “I was just angry, Laila …”

  “But you said it. An angry mouth speaks what the heart is full of. I never stayed for the money. I enjoyed it, I won’t even front. I liked the spa treatments, the pedicures, the shopping sprees, the trips, the prestige. But I loved you without all of that. I loved you when you got shot and your future looked cloudy. And I still love you. I can’t help it.” She closed her eyes like she was tired. “I felt so lost without you at first. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. And then I gave up on you. You got married, and I held my head up and went about my business. All the while, I was crying inside. Then I occupied my time, set my mind on school and got my degree with my own money. I was just starting to pick up the pieces when Papa died. I heard about it from Olivia. You didn’t even tell me yourself. I had to come and say good-bye to him. Papa was so good to me. He talked to me for hours the night when you got shot. I was so determined to hold your hand all night, and the doctors needed me to leave you. Papa pulled me out into the hallway and talked to me for hours. He told me stories and taught me lessons, and I will never, ever, forget him for that. I had to say good-bye to him.”

  She paused. “And when I saw you at the funeral with her by your side”—her voice got lower—“I hated it, but I still couldn’t hate you. You and me are so much deeper than words.”

  She got quiet, like she couldn’t find the right way to express her thoughts. “Lamin, I am seeing somebody.”

  Now it was my turn to look hurt and upset. “Who?” I demanded.

  “It’s just a man that I met. He treats me good, and I care for him. But I swear I would walk away from him in a heartbeat if you and I could have another chance. I just want you to know that I love you. I want to be with you, and no matter who has your last name, I know you wanna be with me, too. But I’m not playing runner-up in this thing. I can’t be your secret. If we do this, we do this all the way. Otherwise you have to let me walk away.”

  Damn. What a fuckin’ choice! She was seeing somebody else. But she still loved me. She was willing to leave this dude, if I would just say the word. I had no words for a while. Lucky said no more. She had emptied her heart out, and I had to respect it. I looked at her. I looked at her for a long time. And then I told her I loved her. “Give me till the end of the week, Lucky. Let me sort things out at home and let me …”

  “Lamin, if you are not here to stay on Saturday night, I’m walking away. I don’t want to do it. But if I don’t walk away now, I may never walk away at all.”

  I had a lot of thinkin’ to do. And Papa wasn’t even around for me to ask his advice. There was no more conversation necessary. Lucky came closer, and I made love to her again. By the time the sun rose on the day Dream was coming home, I had made up my mind.


  I picked her up at the airport. She seemed so happy to see me, and her copper skin glowed in the sunlight. She was beautiful. She hugged and kissed me, and I took her luggage as we headed to the car. During the ride home to Scotch Plains, she asked how my mother was, how Grandma was holding up, how I was dealin’ with Papa’s death. I told her all there was to tell, and then she filled me in on her trip. When we got home, Dream went to unpack, and I went to the living room and did some thinkin’. I was about to take a big step. Dream wouldn’t be happy. But the truth was, I needed to step away from her for a while so that I could sort out my feelings for Lucky. I sat in the big living room with a drink in my hand, trying to find the words to tell her the truth. I needed to give my relationship with Lucky one last try.

  Dream emerged from the bedroom looking tired and relaxed at the same time. She had her hair wrapped in bobby pins and her flannel pajamas on. She came and sat beside me and rested her head in my lap. I hoped she wouldn’t hate me for what I was about to tell her.

  “Dream, I gotta talk to you about somethin’.”

  She smiled and looked up at me. “Me, too.”

  Curiosity got the best of me and I asked her what she had to tell me. “You go first,” she said.

  I shook my head. “Nah, ladies first.”

  She sat up and folded her legs Indian-style as she sat beside me. “While I was in Miami, we did some press with a few of the acts for their upcoming tour. I was at the Palms Hotel, and I felt so weak, Lamin. I started sweating and felt queasy The next thing you know I fainted right in the middle of a key interview.”

  I frowned, worried about her. “Fainted? What made you faint? And why are you just tellin’ me this now? I spoke to you every night and you never said …”

  She smiled again, but I didn’t get the joke. “Lamin, I went to the hospital and they ran some tests and …” She paused, smiling from ear to ear. “I’m pregnant. You’re gonna be a daddy, Mr. Michaels!”

  My stomach sank. I should have been thrilled, but all I could think about was how this meant the end of what I had with Lucky. I could not leave Dream as long as she was carrying my child. I hugged her because that was what I was supposed to do. I felt so conflicted, though. I was happy that I was going to be a father. But I couldn’t help wishing Lucky was the one delivering this news to me instead of Dream. Then I felt guilty for feeling that way. This was my wife. She was the one I had made vows to. I had to do the right thing.

  “Damn, girl. You caught me off guard with that one,” I said. “Wow.”

  She smiled, and it seemed that she was glowing already “It was so hard not to tell you until I came home. The doctor says that the baby will be born in April. I’m so happy, Lamin!”

  “Me, too.” I was trying hard to look happy.

  “So what did you have to tell me?” she asked.

  I stuttered for a second, trying to come up with a good lie on the spot. “I was just gonna tell you about a new client we got. But that don’t matter now. Your news is way bigger than any client.”

  She smiled and I hugged my wife who was about to be the mother of my child. I realized I had to give Lucky up. I avoided her for the next couple of days. Lucky called me, paged me. I didn’t return her calls for fear of tellin’ her the truth. I waited until Saturday, the day she was expecting me to come to her and give us one more chance. I thought back to the day when Papa told me that Lucky was the one who got away. He was so right. I had to let her get away so that I could do right by my wife and child. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

  Lucky

  I sat up all night waiting for him to show up. I knew in my heart that he would be there that night. He had to come. If he didn’t come that meant it was the end, and I didn’t want to believe that Lamin wanted us to end. I hadn’t spoken to Jalil all week. I told him that I needed some space and had to deal with some personal issues alone. I was preparing myself for the moment when I would have to tell him that I was in love with Lamin, and that I was leaving him. But, Lamin was nowhere in sight. I cried a little, paced the floor, tried to occupy myself with television and music. Nothing worked. I finally laid down on the couch at 1:30 in the morning with the TV watching me and tried to fall asleep.

  That’s when the doorbell rang. I almost ran to the door, all while trying to fix my hair and my clothes. I saw Lamin standing there and I hugged him so tightly. He looked like he was upset, like leaving Dream had been hard. But all that mattered was that he came to me. He hugged me back and carried me into the apartment. I kissed him over and over, and he held me close. I thought I saw tears in his eyes. He was so affectionate, and I felt so happy that he was there.

  And then I saw the look on his face. Something behind his gaze let me know that this wasn’t the fairy-tale ending I had dreamed of.

  He shook his head and held my face in his hands. “I love you so much, Lucky. I will never stop lovin’ you, baby. I never want you to doubt that.”

  “But?” I asked, letting him know that I could tell that there was more to the story.

  “But I gotta let you go.”

  He looked so sincere and I was so confused. “Why? Why, Lamin? If you love me …”

  “I do love you, ma. That’s what makes it so fucked up!” He rubbed his head, exasperated. “Lucky, she dropped a bomb on me, and I never saw it comin’.”

  I was still confused and it showed by the look on my face.

  “Lucky, I went home and I put my affairs in order. I picked her up at the airport, took her home, and I was ready to tell her I needed space. But then she told me about her trip, how she fell out at a photo shoot, they took her to the hospital …”

  “I don’t understand, Lamin!”

  “She’s pregnant! She found out she’s pregnant. And I couldn’t do it, Lucky. I couldn’t walk out like that when she …”

  I stopped hearing him at that point. I saw his lips moving. I knew he was speaking. But I stopped hearing him after he said Dream was pregnant. He married her, and now she was having his baby, his firstborn child. She was winning, and I was losing. And I was so mad! I was so distraught. Lamin would never leave her now.

  I walked over to the window and I followed me. “Lucky, talk to me. Don’t shut down on me again.”

  “Shut down on you? Shut down on YOU, Lamin? You’re the one who keeps putting a wedge between us. You keep stepping on my feelings …”

  “I didn’t want her to be pregnant, Lucky. I didn’t even know. I was prepared to walk away. I was comin’ back to you! But now it’s so much more complicated. I can’t walk away from my child, Lucky.”

  And I didn’t expect him to. I didn’t want Lamin to have to decide between me and his baby because there was no decision to be made. His child should come first, and that meant that there was no room for me. I was out in the cold again.

  I shook my head, felt my heart shattering into fragments once more, and I kissed Lamin. I kissed him long and full. I bit his juicy lips, I kissed him softly, kissed him passionately. Then I kissed him good-bye.

  “Congratulations,” I said.

  “Lucky …”

  I held up my hand to stop him from talking and I held the door open for him to leave.

  “I still love you.” Lamin said this as he walked toward me. “I still love you, Lucky.”

  He kissed me, and I held on to him. I wanted to hold him for the rest of my life. But the decision was no longer his own. I had to let him go. And I did, although it hurt like hell.

  He walked outside and got in his car. I watched him as I sat in the dark looking out the window and crying. He sat there in the car, but he never started it. He just sat with his head on the steering wheel looking so lost. I watched him sit there like that for almost half an hour. It just wasn’t meant to be and I thought that was so unfair—to both of us. He finally put the key in the ignition and started the car. He slowly drove away and I sadly watched him go. I was right back where I swore I’d never be again—heartbroken and distraught.

/>   Yet you can’t really fault me for giving love another try. Veronica and Audrey keep tellin’ me that I should have never gone backward. I should have never tried just one more time. But I dispute that. My time with Lamin was precious. I will always love him. From a distance.

  TWENTY-TWO

  the prodigal son

  Curtis

  I was more upset than anybody when Papa died. Even though we all loved the man who had been the only father figure we ever had, I was the one who needed him the most. All the years I spent locked up, Papa was the one who came to see me religiously. He never missed a visit, never complained about the phone bill when I called him collect. He kept money on my books. He was a good man and he held me down when I needed him most. I missed out on Papa’s Sunday dinners and his stories about the good ole days. I wasn’t there for so many years. Now he was gone. And it seemed like the spotlight was on Lamin.

  Lamin paid for the funeral. He paid for the funeral reception. The limousines, the grave plot, the food, the liquor—it was all Lamin. He deserved credit for that. But it seemed like all anybody cared about was how Lamin was holdin’ up. Was Lamin okay? Poor Lamin. His moms had AIDS, Lucky left him, Papa died, and Lamin was all that mattered. But I felt different. Fuck that. Lamin was on top of the world. He had a beautiful wife. He had a business, his name in magazines and newspapers. He had a minimansion in New Jersey; he had cars, clothes, jewelry. He was livin’. The nigga had nothin’ to complain about.

  On the other hand, I spent seven years in jail. While I was doin’ hard time, Lamin was breakin’ laws in and out of state. The nigga was hustlin’, sellin’ drugs, flippin’ weight, all while I was doin’ time—hard time—just for defendin’ myself! I made a mistake when I was hardly seventeen years old. That mistake cost me so much. It took me away from my mother, while Lamin was takin’ his moms for granted. I spent most of my adult life behind bars. I was the one with no future, no options. I was the one who couldn’t get a job unless Lamin gave it to me. I wasn’t worth a million dollars. I wasn’t nothin’ compared to Lamin. I was tired of hearin’ about his problems. That nigga didn’t know what problems were!