International Player

by Louise Bay

  THIRTY-FOUR

  Truly

  As I stood in the doorway to Abigail and Rob’s place, a dark cloud of devastation clung to me despite me telling myself over and over that I’d made the right decision. I’d been practical, gotten out before I could get too hurt. I hadn’t expected to feel so heavy with regret. I wanted a different ending for Noah and me, and that was ridiculous. I knew better, but for some reason my heart was taking a little longer to see it my way.

  I needed my sister.

  Noah had gone to New York for a board meeting, so I could be sure to risk lunch at Abigail and Rob’s without running into him.

  “Truly?”

  I jumped as Rob opened the door.

  “What are you doing out here? I didn’t hear the bell.”

  “I was about to ring it.” I’d been stealing myself, trying to pull my proverbial socks up and push down this misery that rose from my belly.

  “Come up immediately and tell me everything,” Abigail called from upstairs.

  Rob chuckled. “You didn’t send her pictures from the other night, and she had to rely on Sarah or Sierra or someone—I don’t know. I do know she’s fuming.”

  Sending pictures had been the last thing on my mind the night of the ball, and I couldn’t face showing her pictures yesterday, so I’d told her I was too sick to leave the house. I rolled my eyes and handed Rob a pot of single cream and the two leeks he’d asked me to pick up on the way. “I may be gone some time,” I said, starting on the stairs.

  “As it’s just three of us today, I’m not going to bother bringing a table up, if that’s okay. Can we make do with trays?” Rob asked.

  Three of us. Back to how things were before Noah had come back from New York. “Trays sound good to me. Give me a call when you’re ready and I’ll come give you a hand.”

  “Truly!” Abigail shouted.

  “I’m coming,” I replied, sprinting up the stairs.

  “What were you talking to Rob about?” she asked.

  “Trays. Why?” I bent and kissed her on the cheek.

  “God knows what he’s getting up to while I’m stuck up here.”

  “Well whatever it is, it’s not much if he’s getting up to it one floor away from you. Anyway, don’t think about it. You’re nearly cooked. Just a few weeks to go.” I flopped into the sofa, my muscles as exhausted as if I’d just been for a run.

  “So. I’ve been waiting. I haven’t gotten a voicemail or pictures or anything. How did it go?”

  I groaned and pulled my phone from my back pocket.

  “You don’t seem very enthusiastic about it,” Abigail said. “Are you worried about how you looked in the dress because Simone sent me a couple of pictures and you looked amazing. Beautiful. You have nothing to worry about.”

  “No, it’s not like that.” Normally I would be worried about what I looked like in the photographs—not through any kind of vanity but because I always felt so out of place and awkward. But I knew I fitted in that night. I didn’t have to see the photographs to know I was appropriately dressed and my makeup wasn’t over the top.

  “Then what?” Abigail patted the bed behind her and shuffled over onto her other side.

  I crawled onto the mattress next to her. “Nothing. I’ll show you how it went.” I didn’t want to look at photographs that no doubt included Noah, didn’t want to be reminded of that night. But there was no way I would get away with not showing Abigail what she’d been dying to see.

  I took a deep breath and opened the correct file on my phone.

  She took the handset and began to flip through the pictures. The first one was of me giving the speech. Noah must have taken it. My head was up, and I was grinning at the audience. I’d come a long way in the last five months. I could never have imagined I would feel almost comfortable up there, thanking everyone for their support over the course of the year.

  “You look really confident in that first one, right? And that dress is beautiful on you.”

  “Not bad.” I smiled and swiped across the screen. There were lots of photographs of the different speakers, then the auctioneer and the tables. At the very end was a photo of Noah and me. We were looking at each other like we were the only ones in the room. His eyes were soft and fixed on me, and we were sitting far too close to be just friends. My heart squeezed tighter and tighter until I could barely breathe.

  “You look good together,” she said. “You’re both gorgeous.”

  I rolled my eyes. I may no longer think that Noah needed to be committed to a mental institution to sleep with me, but I’d never accept that I was in his league. He was in a tier all by himself.

  “But more than that, I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that,” Abi said, peering closer at the picture. “Not any woman I’ve ever seen him with. Is there anything you want to tell me?”

  “No, like what?” Now things were over, there was no point in confessing to something I knew Abi would scold me for.

  “I don’t know. I always thought that maybe you had a crush on Noah. And then when you told me you’d kissed, I think part of me hoped something might happen between you, even though I was worried he wasn’t right for you.”

  “Hoped? I wouldn’t have expected that.” I groaned and lay on my back, facing the ceiling. Maybe a confession would help. “You really want to know?”

  She shifted onto her side so she was facing me. “Tell me everything.”

  Abigail listened without interruption as I started at the beginning, before Noah’d left for New York right up to the night of the winter ball.

  I turned my head to find Abigail openmouthed. “So you two have been, like, sleeping together? Since the night of the awards? Call it twinstinct, but I knew something was going on.”

  “A little after. Don’t tell me I’m stupid. I know that already.”

  “Stupid wasn’t what I was thinking,” Abigail said. “I’m impressed you’re doing something that doesn’t relate to spreadsheets. Relieved is more like it.”

  “Well, it’s all a big disaster, because of course my plan backfired and my crush reappeared. And now we’re over. Not that we ever really began in the first place.” For all I was hurting now, I couldn’t regret the last few months with Noah. I’d had fun. Enjoyed his company. My life had been about more than just work for a few months, and I felt more confident than I had in my entire life. Noah had this weird way of making me feel like me but a better, sparklier version.

  “Are you sure ending things is the right thing to do? It’s not like he’s saying he wants everything to stay the same. You said he wanted to date, see how things go. What is it that you want from him?”

  “You know what he’s like. We might date for a few months and then he’ll move on. Look for his next challenge or whatever. And in a few months, I’ll be . . . completely lost to him.”

  “But how do you know? I mean, he’s different for you, right? You said it yourself. No other man has ever come close to being what Noah is to you. Maybe it’s the same for him.” She held up my phone, which still showed the picture of Noah and me at the Ball. “They say a picture paints a thousand words.”

  “Noah doesn’t end up with a girl like me. Be serious.”

  “What, a woman who he’s best friends with? Someone he’ll devote his very valuable time to helping for the last five months? Someone he goes to balls with even though you are clearly quite confident and able to go by yourself?”

  “He wanted to help the rehab center. And anyway, I never said he wasn’t a good guy. That’s part of the problem.”

  “But see it from his perspective. He’s been sleeping with you without any kind of commitment or monogamy at your suggestion. You wanted to keep it casual, so you could get over him or whatever. And now you leap from that to wanting, what? A ring and a lifetime commitment?”

  “I’m not saying he’s got to propose. Just that he sees a future for us, that our feelings for each other aren’t so very out of step. I don’t want to join that long li
st of women that Noah has dated.”

  “You need to have confidence in the way he looks at you. In the way he touches you.”

  “That I’m different? When there’s no evidence or certainty or—”

  “There are no guarantees. Not in any relationship. There’s no spreadsheet that you can plug in variables and it will churn out a definitive future. That’s not the way love works.”

  Without certainty, I knew I was headed for heartbreak. Why would I put myself through that?

  “Maybe you’re looking for the wrong kind of evidence,” Abigail said. “Sometimes you need to give that big old brain of yours a rest and let your heart take over. Give him a chance to fall in love with you, and maybe he’ll see the future together that you can so easily picture.”

  “You’re saying I’m overthinking.”

  Abigail started to giggle.

  “Laughing at me isn’t going to help.” I released her hand, which I’d been holding.

  She clasped her hands over her mouth but her eyes told me she was still laughing. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” She gasped. “But you overthink everything. You know you do. It’s your decision but give your heart a vote at least.”

  We fell silent, as I tried to imagine what it would feel like to have Noah in love with me.

  “I just need to get over him, but it’s not as simple as it sounds.” I’d expected it to feel better the more time passed, and although it hadn’t been long, the pain seemed to be getting worse, not better.

  “Maybe that should tell you something.”

  “I know. I should try harder,” I said.

  “That’s not what I meant. Maybe Noah’s the guy you don’t get over because he’s the man you’re meant to be with.”

  Hearing those words was painful, because as much as I tried to fight it, my heart kept telling me the same thing—Noah Jensen was the one for me, but I didn’t see how that meant anything but unhappiness for me.

  This conversation had gone the exact opposite way to how I’d expected it to go. I’d expected for Abigail to be furious with Noah and me but satisfied that I’d turned him away. I’d expected this pit of regret in my stomach to feel slightly less uncomfortable. Instead it felt worse—bigger—as if it were clawing out more space inside me.

  “Have you ever considered that this whole idea of you needing evidence and certainty is just an excuse?”

  I knew I hadn’t escaped Abigail’s tough love. “An excuse for what? I’ve been totally honest with you.”

  “It’s just that we both know you enjoy what you’re good at. You don’t like public speaking and you thought you were terrible at it but that’s clearly not true. You’ve handled everything so brilliantly since I’ve been on bedrest.”

  “But we’re not talking about public speaking.”

  “No, but it’s not like you feel like you’re an expert in relationships. None of us are. Maybe you’re just applying your normal logic—you’re not familiar with it, you assume you’re not going to be good at it, so you won’t even try.”

  “You think I’d walk away from Noah and the way I feel about him, just because I don’t think I’d be good in a relationship?”

  “Maybe that’s part of it. And the lack of certainty makes it all the more difficult to take the risk.”

  I didn’t know how to take a chance on someone who had the power to wound me so fundamentally, so completely that I’d never recover. But when I asked myself the question of whether I’d prefer to live with the possibility of losing Noah and the idea of potentially being destroyed if he ever left me, the answer was clear. I choose Noah. Whatever the cost. So what else could be holding me back unless it was myself and my fear that I’d mess things up, not that he would?

  THIRTY-FIVE

  Noah

  Having clearly defined goals and conquering them was what I did, and I had Truly on lock. I just needed a plan to get her back.

  Being back in London, in the confines of the car with the rain beating down on the windows was comforting. I’d told Bruce just to drive around, despite the weather meaning most of the time we were stuck in traffic. I did my best business thinking out of the office, and I was hoping it would translate to the personal. I needed a solution, a winning argument.

  “Bruce, can you head to Highgate?” If I couldn’t figure it out, there were two people who knew Truly as well if not better than me. Although I had no idea if they’d be willing to help.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket as the car stopped with a jerk as someone pulled out in front of us on the outer circle of Regents Park.

  “Rob?” I asked as the phone stopped ringing.

  “I told you not to fuck things up,” he whispered back. “I’m not quite sure what the bloody hell is going on. I just know that Abigail would be pissed if she knew I was talking to you.”

  “Who’s on the phone?” Abigail’s question rang out in the background.

  I tipped my head back on the seat. “Look, I didn’t end things.”

  “End what?” Rob asked.

  “Who is it?” Abigail called.

  “Tell her it’s me,” I replied. “I’m on my way over. I need your help.”

  “She’s going to kill us both,” he replied. “It’s Noah,” Rob called to Abigail. “He says he’s on his way over.”

  “I’ll see you soon.” There was no point trying to explain anything now. If Abigail ripped me a new one then so be it. If it helped me get Truly back, I didn’t care.

  As we continued our journey, I tried to come up with ideas that might convince Truly I was serious about her.

  I could put her on the deeds to my flat? I wasn’t sure she’d agree to that—it wasn’t my money she was after. Perhaps I could suggest we buy a new place together.

  I could research the difference between women’s and men’s brains. Show her that just because I didn’t see things in the exact way she did, didn’t mean I didn’t want her. But I was sure she’d just see that as bullshit and misdirection.

  We pulled up in front of the house. Rob must have heard us pull up as he came to the door before I was through the front gate.

  “I’m surprised you came here of all places,” Rob said, leading me inside.

  Where else would I go? “Let’s go up,” I replied, glancing up the stairs.

  “You first,” Rob said.

  Abigail’s expression was neutral as I stepped into her bedroom. “Hey. Thanks for letting me come over. I need some help.”

  She shook her head. “What am I going to do with you two?”

  “I don’t know what you know and what you don’t, but you need to understand that I want to be with your sister,” I blurted. I wasn’t a blurter. I was careful and considered in what I said, but Truly changed everything.

  “That’s a start.” Abigail sighed and hauled herself up so she was half sitting, half lying, and I took a seat on the sofa next to Rob.

  “You’re not going to kill him?” Rob asked. “Or me?”

  “Well that depends on how the rest of this conversation goes,” she said, flashing her husband a grin.

  I was prepared for whatever Abigail was dishing out, as long as it led to the right result.

  “I don’t know how to convince her to come back to me. How I give her the certainty she needs.”

  “From what I can make out, she wants to be with you but she’s scared she’s going to get hurt, and you? Well, I’m not quite sure. What are your reservations?”

  “I don’t have any. I want Truly. I don’t want anyone else. I’ve just come back from New York and—”

  I paused.

  “And what?” Abigail asked.

  “I missed her.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever missed anyone in my life before. “It pissed me off that I couldn’t call her up and tell her about my day. That I didn’t know what she was doing or who she’d been talking with or what she was having for lunch.”

  I looked up and Abigail was grinning at me. “So what are you going to do about it?”


  “You’re not going to tell me to leave her alone and that I’m not good enough?” I’d expected a rollicking. I’d thought I’d have to convince Abigail of my feelings for Truly and how hurting her was the last thing I’d ever do.

  “You’re a clever man. You know you’re not good enough for her. So, no, I’m not going to tell you that. I like you, Noah. And I like the way you look at my sister and what you’re saying. What you need to know is that I’m not opposed to physical violence when the need arises. Just make sure it doesn’t.”

  I nodded. “Received and understood. But know this, Abigail. I’ve never been so serious about anything. Comparing her to other women is ludicrous. Of course she means more to me than anyone ever has, but more than that, other than walking, I’ve never wanted anything in my life more than I want Truly.”

  Abigail nodded decisively as if I’d passed her test. “So, what’s your plan?”

  “That’s why I’m here. I know I want her, but I just don’t know how to convince her of that. I won’t lie to her but at the same time, I want to give her what she needs if that’s possible. I just don’t know what that is.”

  Abigail sighed. “You’re going to have to win over the left side of her brain. She doesn’t trust the right. Love isn’t logical.”

  Didn’t I know it? “Yeah. She likes facts. Knowledge. Certainty. And what I’m offering her is let’s-see-how-it-goes. For me that’s more realistic, but not so much for her.”

  “She wants more than that. She needs evidence you can be relied on,” Abigail said.

  “Have you told her that shit about you not wanting anything more than her since you recovered from the accident?” Rob asked. “I mean, that sounds pretty convincing to me.”

  Had I? The conversation at the ball had been completely unexpected and had caught me off guard. “I can’t remember what I said. But I don’t think so.”