“Me, too, actually. But we’ll see each other on Saturday.”
I got up and carried my barely touched food into the kitchen. I’d gotten too sidetracked to eat.
She walked me to the front door and kissed me goodbye, her lips tenderly fusing to mine. I slipped my arms around her waist and examined my feelings for her once again. Yet I left without getting anything resolved.
I was still as confused as ever.
Twelve
Alice
I rode with Spencer to Kirby’s party. I wasn’t thrilled about socializing with Kirby, but I was determined to get through it. I wanted Spencer to get comfortable in family settings, and that was worth having to cross paths with Kirby.
We stopped at the security gate, and the guard let us in. Kirby’s house was an elaborate Southern mansion, renovated to fit his needs.
We parked in the circular driveway. We weren’t the first to arrive. In fact, it looked as if everyone else was already there.
Sure enough, they were. The family were gathered outside on the patio, a huge entertainment area flanked by grass and a playground for the grandkids.
I spotted Hailey and Hudson on the swing set with their cousin, Zoe, who was Tommy’s six-year-old daughter. Tommy was the middle Talbot son and a country superstar like his dad. He used to have a playboy reputation; groupies went wild for his messy-haired, hazel-eyed, daredevil charm. He was happily married now, and Sophie, his lovely brunette wife, was pregnant with their second child. I’d heard it was a girl, due sometime next month.
They were the first to greet us and make Spencer’s acquaintance. When Sophie waddled over and initiated a hug, her big beautiful belly bumped against me. It gave me a warm feeling, and I imagined the babies I hoped to have one day.
The men shook hands, and Spencer congratulated Tommy on his new reality show. The first one Tommy had done was so successful, the network had created another one exclusively for him. He liked working in television because it kept him home with his family instead of out on the road touring.
I looked around for Kirby, but I didn’t see our host anywhere. I spotted Mary organizing the dessert table with pastries she’d baked. She never showed up anywhere empty-handed. Brandon was by her side, helping her. Kirby’s chef and his staff stocked the main buffet, getting it ready, too.
Soon Mary and Brandon made their way over to us, and I introduced them to Spencer. I’d told Mary that my romance with him wasn’t serious, but I wasn’t sure if she believed it now that she’d had the opportunity to see us together. Maybe she could tell that I was fighting my feelings for him. Or maybe I was just so consumed with it myself, it felt obvious to me.
The final Talbot brother, Matt, and his wife, Libby, approached us. They lived on a recreational ranch in the Texas Hill Country with their three sons. Their oldest boy, a thirteen-year-old named Chance, was Libby’s son from a previous marriage. Sadly, her first husband had died. She’d gotten to know Matt while she was researching the biography Kirby had hired her to write.
I watched Matt and Spencer converse. It was interesting to see them together, these two mixed-blood men. As far as I knew, Spencer didn’t socialize with any other Native Americans. He didn’t attend tribal gatherings; no powwows or drum circles. Maybe that would change if he ever met his father or got to know that side of his family.
I decided to inquire about Kirby. It seemed odd that he was absent. “Where’s your dad?” I asked Matt.
He replied, “In the barn with my boys.”
“Chance wanted to take his little brothers to see the horses,” Libby interjected. “And Kirby went with them.”
“That’s nice,” I said. I meant about the kids seeing the horses. But I let Libby draw her own conclusions.
She nodded and smiled. She was a perky blonde with peekaboo dimples. I had no idea what she saw in Kirby, but she adored him, along with the other women who’d married his sons—my sister included.
Kirby finally showed up, strolling back from the barn in his custom cowboy gear. Matt and Libby’s sons dashed ahead of him and joined the rest of the kids in the play area. Chance carried his youngest brother piggyback style, the little boy clinging happily to his neck. At Chance’s age, I was already running wild and getting into trouble.
Kirby acknowledged Spencer, and they embraced.
Kirby turned to hug me, and I went stiff. He embraced me, anyway. “I’m so happy you accepted my invitation,” he said. “Thank you for coming.”
“I’m here for Spencer,” I replied.
“I know.” Kirby smiled. “He’s a great guy. It’s nice that you two...” He fumbled a little, then said, “You get prettier every time I see you, Alice.”
I could feel Spencer watching us, and it made me feel even more awkward around Kirby. Normally I did whatever I could to avoid him. Admittedly, though, we’d worked well together on Tracy’s album when Kirby had used me as consultant on my mother’s music. But there had been plenty of tension, too, with me snapping at Kirby whenever things didn’t go my way.
Was I being too hard on him after all of these years? Should I try harder to forgive him?
I glanced over at Matt, thinking about what he’d overcome. He’d forgiven Kirby for abandoning him when he was young. He’d found the strength to let his pain and anger go. From my understanding, he’d done it for his wife and children, not wanting to raise his family from a place of resentment and hate.
If I had a family of my own, would this be easier for me? I moved closer to Spencer, realizing full well that he was the man I wanted to marry.
The man I loved.
As difficult as it was, it was foolish to keep fighting it. Yet there was no turning back now that I’d admitted it. I had no choice but to accept my feelings. Nonetheless, my heart knocked against my rib cage.
“I’m going to check on the kids,” I said. I needed an excuse to be alone, to calm the palpitations.
I walked away, forcing my legs to carry me. Spencer remained with Kirby. I could tell that as two recovering addicts, they really understood each other.
Did I understand Spencer? Would I make him a good wife? I shook my head, realizing how foolish my inner dialogue was. Spencer and I weren’t headed down the aisle.
But if we did get married, in my fantasies, anyway, I might consider getting closer to Kirby. Not for myself, but for Spencer. I couldn’t go around hating his mentor.
I plunked down on the grass, released the air in my lungs and observed the kids. In addition to the swings, their playground consisted of a bouncy castle, a slide and a roundabout. I used to love those when I was little. I would hold the handles and run as fast as I could, then jump back on and spin. I didn’t need to do that now. I was already dizzy from my thoughts.
I stayed by myself for a while, immersed in the activity around me. By now, parents were calling their children, gathering them for lunch.
Spencer came over to me, and I gazed up at him, my breath catching at the familiar sight of him. If only I could tell him that I loved him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine.” I shined the spotlight on him. “How about you? Are you having a good time? Are you connecting with Kirby’s sons?”
He nodded and crouched beside me. “I really like Matt. He’s so down to earth, so real. I like Brandon and Tommy, too. I’m glad I’m getting to know everyone.”
“I think you fit right in.” He already seemed as if he was part of this group. “I’m glad we came.”
“You are? For sure?”
“Yes. I might even try to say a few words to Kirby.” Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to make a teeny bit of effort, just in case Spencer and I actually became a bona fide couple someday.
“Oh, Alice, that would be great. He was hoping that we would sit at his table.” He motioned to the buffet. “Should we get our food?”
I agreed, and we filled our plates with picnic-style entrees and colorful side dishes. I loaded up on fried chicken and potato salad. Spencer took extra helpings of the barbecued ribs, messy as they were.
Kirby’s girlfriend, Debra, arrived, running late from work. Tall and trim with graying blond hair and a professional sense of style, she certainly seemed nice enough. But Kirby always surrounded himself with goodhearted women.
I chatted with her about inconsequential things. I made small talk with Kirby, too, even if it pained me to do so. Whenever he looked at me, I thought about the anguish he’d caused my mother: the nightly tears, the daily despair.
My teeny bit of effort wasn’t the least bit effective. I was angry at him all over again.
After we ate, I asked Spencer to sit on the lawn with me. I needed to get away from Kirby and try to relax.
Hailey and Hudson wandered over to us, and I smiled, eager for Spencer to engage with them. Except that the kids were quiet for now. Hudson was being his usual reserved self, and Hailey kept glancing over her shoulder, probably waiting for her cousin Zoe to join us. The last I saw, Zoe had spilled a cherry-filled, chocolate-covered dessert on her blouse and was getting cleaned up.
Matt’s boys had gone back to the barn. Hudson could’ve hung out with them, but he stayed with his sister instead. He’d always been fiercely loyal to her, even before they could walk or talk. I assumed it was a twin thing and the time they’d spent together in the womb, just the two of them, preparing to enter this big, bad, crazy world.
Zoe came running up with a damp spot on her top, and soon she and Hailey were holding hands and swinging their arms back and forth. Rather than be left out, Hudson crawled onto my lap. I nuzzled the top of his silky head. The girls, however, stared blatantly at Spencer.
“Hey, ladies,” he said, and made them giggle.
Zoe sized him up, her long, brown ponytail swishing as she bobbed her head. Then she looked at me and asked, “Is he your boyfriend?”
Her question made my heart jump. I sucked in my breath and debated how I should respond. I glanced at Spencer, but he didn’t give me any indication of what to say.
“Yes, he is,” I finally replied. Maybe it was the dreamer in me, but calling him that made me feel deliriously good.
Zoe shifted her attention back to Spencer. “Are you her boyfriend because you kiss her?” She nudged Hailey, and my mischievous niece puckered her lips and made smooching sounds.
I struggled not to laugh. I envisioned the two of them creating all sorts of chaos when they got older. They’d certainly poked some childish fun at me and my “boyfriend.”
He furrowed his brow. “I don’t think we should be talking about this.”
“Why not?” Zoe was an outspoken first-grader, determined to get a straight answer out of him. And on top of that, Hailey was still making kissy noises.
“Because we just shouldn’t.” When both girls frowned at him, he seemed to be searching for something to say that would distract them. He settled on, “Did you know that I have lots of dogs?”
“How many?” Zoe asked, taking the bait.
He told the kids about his rescue, and Hudson chimed in and babbled about Cline, the husky his dad had named after country crooner Patsy Cline. Only Hudson referred to her as “Patty.” Spencer grinned, amused by the boy’s mistake.
The boyfriend topic was forgotten. But not by me. It gave me hope, feeding my dream of having a future with the man I loved.
* * *
The party ended, and Spencer and I returned to my house. But when he entered my condo, he fell silent.
I removed my shoes and sat on the sofa, looking up at him. “Is something wrong?” He was acting strange.
“I don’t know. There’s just a lot...” He hesitated. “I just...”
“You just what?” My heart sank. Was he concerned about me calling him my boyfriend? Was it bothering him now? Was he getting ready to break things off? Would this be our last night together? I waited for him to say what was on his mind.
He finally responded, “I have feelings for you that confuse me. You and I weren’t supposed to be getting this close.” He remained standing, watching me through troubled eyes. “I’m not the guy you’re meant to be with, but I...”
I released the breath I’d been holding, hope spiraling inside me. “Do you want to be with me?”
“Sort of. I think so. I don’t know.” He sat beside me, with the late-day sun streaming through the blinds and creating a sudden glare. I squinted, and he shifted his body to shield me from the light. After a moment of us just staring at each other, he said, “I don’t want to mess up your plans. Or disappoint you.”
“You could never disappoint me. Not unless you stopped seeing me. Not unless you went away.” I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I was afraid to say it this quickly.
He reached for my hand. “Does that mean you want us to try to make a go of this?”
“Yes.” I wanted everything with him.
“Are you sure? Because we both know that I’m still coming to grips with who I am. I don’t ever want to drink again, but what if I screw up? Resisting the temptation isn’t as easy as I keep saying it was.”
“I already knew you were exaggerating that. Or I assumed you were. I didn’t think it could be that easy.”
“Sometimes it keeps me up at night. I have hideous nightmares about it.”
I squeezed his hand. “I read a study about dreams once, and it said that nightmares were a normal reaction to stress and can even help people work through their fears.”
“Yeah, but what if I can’t handle the pressure?”
“Of your nightmares?”
“Of me and you.”
I tried not to panic. “Of being my boyfriend?”
“Of loving you, Alice.” His voice turned shaky. “I think I might be falling in love with you.”
To be sure I’d heard him correctly, I repeated it. “You think you might love me?” It wasn’t exactly a vow of forever, but, by heavens, it was a start. “That’s what you said, right?”
“Yes, but what do I know? I’ve never been in love before.”
Nether had I, not until I’d fallen for him. “I don’t blame you for being scared. It’s all so new and different.” I’d already struggled with it myself.
“I’m not freaking you out?”
“No.” Hearing him say that he “might” love me gave me comfort. I looked into his eyes. “I tried to fight it. But I love you, Spencer. I absolutely do.”
He blinked at me. “You trust that I’m the guy you want?”
I nodded. I had no reason to distrust my feelings. “I know how important your recovery is, and how hard you work at it. I think that you’ll stay sober.” I needed to believe in him, to support him, to help him overcome his fears. “But if you ever slip up, you’ll have me to catch you when you fall.”
“That’s a huge commitment.”
“It’s what people in love do.”
He frowned. “I hope you don’t change your mind later.”
I stuck to my guns, clinging to my belief in him, the way a caring partner was supposed to do. “I won’t.”
“You could.” He spoke gently. “I want to protect you. I want to keep you safe.”
“I already feel safe with you.” I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. Alice in Spencerland. I smiled at the thought. It was a place I never wanted to leave.
“I wasn’t prepared to be having this conversation with you, to be talking about love. Not with everything else that’s going on.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t get into the details right now. I wish I could, but I can’t.”
Was he keeping a secret about himself? Was there more to his past than I knew about? I tried not to worry. “Is it something bad?”
“It might seem that way at first, but it doesn’t have to be. It can actually be something good, if you let it.” He trailed a finger across my cheek. “I just want you to be happy and accept whatever is meant to be.”
I leaned into his touch. Now he was being mysterious. But if he thought his news bordered on good, then I would wait to hear what it was. I didn’t want to destroy the moment. I needed this closeness with him.
He kissed me, lightly on the lips. Then he said, “I swear, I’m only trying to do what’s right. But I hope you understand that I need to talk to Kirby about it first.”
I fought the urge to flinch. I hadn’t expected Kirby to be part of Spencer’s secret. Or whatever this was. But given how tight they were, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he’d involved his mentor. “If that’s what you need to do, I’m not going to stand in your way.”
“Thank you for trusting me.”
I refused to let Kirby spoil my belief in Spencer. “I’m supposed to trust you, especially now that you’re my boyfriend.”
He laughed a little nervously. “The kids sure teased us on that one. But I think I can do this without being so afraid.”
“You’ll have to write a song about it, asking yourself ‘Do I love her? Am I in love?’”
“Is that how the answer will come?” He fixed his gaze on me. “Is that how I’ll know for sure?”
“Maybe,” I said, hoping he found a way to unscramble his feelings. In spite of him saying that he was less afraid, he still seemed scared.
* * *
On Monday afternoon, Spencer called and told me he wanted to disclose the secret he’d been keeping. I still couldn’t fathom what it could be, but I was glad he wasn’t dragging it out. Nonetheless, he’d warned me that Kirby was going to be there, too. I wasn’t happy about that, but it seemed important to Spencer to have his mentor in the mix.
Anxious, I got ready to go. I did my hair and makeup and slipped on a trendy jumpsuit, fitted with a high neck and long sleeves. The weather was on the cooler side.
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