Bittersweet Moments

by Bowie, Emily

  “I was only doing what was best for the family.” My own words stab my gut as I say them out loud.

  My father’s beady eyes watch me, looking for any lie. No words are exchanged as he studies me until he feels he has learned enough. When he has assessed me long enough, he finally speaks. “Get some sleep. We have plans to discuss when you wake up.” And like that, I’m dismissed from his presence. He looks back down at his desk, retrieving his work and losing interest in me altogether.

  I don’t bother to look at my mother as I pass her, walking to my wing. Opening my door, I shut it and fall face first onto my bed. The light from my open windows brightens the room, making me wish I had put blackout blinds up, as my father suggested.

  “You just couldn’t wait.” The deep voice startles me, causing me to gasp as I turn my head around, but I refuse to sit up. “I told you next week I could cover for you so you could go.”

  Turning over, I look up at my lifelong best friend, who is also the dog watcher over me. Nate has been my bodyguard since I was ten years old. With a ten-year gap in age, he’s always had a need to protect me but has still been able to relate to everything I was going through. It only took a few years before we both began to confide in each other with secrets we could not share with anyone beyond us.

  He blends in to the dark corner of my room, wearing all black, the gun on his belt snug to his hip, looking every bit the part of a ruthless man. He steps closer, his movements skilled and silent, before he’s no longer in the shadows. It always amazes me how such a tall man can go unnoticed so easily.

  “I couldn’t afford to wait any longer.” I flatly huff out, hating that I need to explain this to him.

  He studies me with a slight tick touching the corner of his lip. It twitches more, wanting to be angry at me. Over the last year or so, when I have gone out of town to see Brax, Nate would make the trip to see his secret boyfriend. He covered for both of us, the two of us keeping each other’s secrets. It has fit well in our lives. We became friends through necessity, but over the years, our friendship grew in strength. Behind closed doors, we are best friends, but to the outside world, he is my bodyguard.

  To my dad, Nate is a ruthless man who will do anything he says. He would kill for him, and die to save me. But together, he and I make sure no one in my household will uncover any of the truths we need to bury in order to keep our freedoms we acquired while I was away in college.

  “Why couldn’t you wait?” A sympathetic look passes through him as he tries to understand my logic to take such a huge risk. “Now I have to watch you like a hawk and report everything.”

  I hadn’t thought how it would make Nate look to my father with him not being able to keep tabs on me.

  But in all honestly, what twenty-four-year-old has a babysitter? I consider to myself.

  “I prefer the term bodyguard,” he answers rigidly, making me think I said that out loud.

  “I’m pregnant,” I blurt out, saying the words aloud for the first time.

  I can see a splash of compassion pass across Nate’s face, understanding the reason why I took the risk. But with this secret comes more hiding and lying to my father, which is never a good thing for anyone.

  “No.” He drawls out the word with pure horror, splattering the emotion all over his features, making me hide my face with my forearm. “How am I supposed to cover that up?” he asks me with seriousness.

  Groaning, I close my eyes, not knowing how I’m going to get myself out of this mess.

  “You realize this will make your father want to sell you off to the highest bidder faster, right?”

  I can hear him pace my floor as he talks about my betrothal. Having children was never about the joy in them to my parents; it was always how they could benefit them. My wedding to the right person would be the leverage my father has been talking about since I was sixteen as he waited for the right person with the right credentials.

  “Why can’t I marry you?” I half joke. Obviously, we’re both in love with other people, but it would make our lives easier.

  He laughs in disbelief. “If only I were good enough for you.”

  My eyes close out of necessity, and when I wake up next, the sun is no longer in the sky.

  CHAPTER 4

  I can’t get my head into the game. I’ve tried drinking myself stupid, working myself to death, and sleeping till I hope I never wake up. Nothing has helped. Each spare second, Raya’s beautiful face enters my mind. I can picture what her sad, mocha eyes would have looked like when she broke up with me. I’m miserable; everyone around me is miserable.

  Needing to hear her voice to know if she’s okay, I call her. I have two hundred different ways I want to start the conversation, only to never get the chance. I look at my phone to make sure I dialed the right number and hear the automated voice explaining this number does not exist. That is not a sign of a girl who is okay or happy. There is no reason for her to change her phone number because of me. I have not reached out to warrant this action.

  My gut twists, knowing something is wrong. What if her breaking up with me had nothing to do with us? I’m going crazy over all these thoughts. As much as I say I’ve given up, my heart won’t let me. She consumes me.

  “Aren’t there chores to do?” Kellen kicks my foot with his.

  I have to lift my head up farther than usual to see my brother over my brimmed hat.

  “Well, if it isn’t the man everyone is calling a hero.” My tone drips with sarcasm. I give him a slow clap, like the asshole I feel like being. “Big man who gets to ride off into the sunset with this town thinking he was the guy at the right place at the right time. Because without you, your girl Sloan could have died.” I pause, liking how his fists are clenching. “But wait, you were kind of the reason she was there, right? Yet, they’re still calling you the hero.”

  “What’s with the attitude against me? You’ve had a stick shoved up your ass since that night.”

  I have to laugh at the absurdity of this. “Because you made our house a crime scene, my girl left me. Yours is still here, yet mine left.”

  His eyes narrow at me. “I had to work my ass off for her to forgive me.” He looks at me like I’m a piece of shit on his shoe. “You have sat here moping and acting like a grumpy old man, doing nothing to help your problem. That is who you are. You don’t chase. You expect everything to be handed to you.”

  “You mean like you?” I throw his way, standing up, not needing to hear anymore of his so-called truths.

  “I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The first time cops flew onto our land because your girlfriend was shot had nothing to do with me. I stepped up and took the blame for our not-so-little sister. I sacrificed everything I had for the good of the family. What have you sacrificed? Look at you.”

  Before I can turn, I’m left frozen with his words. My mind races with all of my memories, none of them with this truth. How could I not know?

  He steps in my way, knocking off my hat before he continues. “Because I’m your brother and I love you, I will say this once again. You have done nothing to help yourself. Get out of the house, do chores, and go help someone for a change.”

  The truth hurts. I look him over, trying to decide if he’s spewing bullshit to me. I’ve blamed my brother for years for a lot of my problems. My bitterness started to stem from that one night he talks so causally about. It hurts they never trusted me to tell me the truth. It could have changed everything.

  Giving him my sneer, I comment, “I think I just might stop by and see your girl.” I wink, hoping he’ll kick my ass. I could use a good fight, and Kellen is typically not one to back down. I don’t know what to do with this information and how I feel about it. I feel trapped.

  “Good, you need a friend. Maybe she can knock some sense into you.”

  I expect everything to be handed to me? I don’t chase? Pfft! My ass. None of that is true.

  I scoff. I don’t think anyone could help me. Giving him the bird,
I walk away, disappointed he didn’t throw a punch at me. It would make me feel better, and the thought he would feel bad later on would help in my own happiness right now. I was the one who stepped up to help his girlfriend clean out what is now their garage for him to use. The place is Kellen’s perfect man cave, and I helped make it happen. I did it for no other reason than just to be helpful and because that’s what family does. But now, with his words swirling around in my head, making me question everything, what I thought I had known, it confuses me, making me want to hurt him the way I feel now.

  I can’t help but realize that the two of them have pretty much told me the same thing. Maybe they’re onto something, and I just needed to be hit over the head with the idea to make me see it too.

  I’m a romantic at heart; I believe every true love story ends with a romantic gesture. Raya and I are that true love story in my mind. I won’t lose her to not trying.

  Packing up my truck I head to the city to find my girl.

  *

  I park outside a small condo, my large truck looking out of place while idling on the edge of the curve that begins a sidewalk. I bring up the lined piece of paper that holds my sister Shay’s neat printing that says I’m indeed at the right place. I should know my girlfriend’s address, yet she never allowed me to come to her. She always came to me. At first, I thought it was because Shay was coming home too, so it made sense. In college, their little dorm wasn’t that big, and sexy time with your sister a few feet away just wasn’t appealing.

  Taking a deep breath, I hold my head high while turning my baseball cap backward, ready to fight for the two of us. Knocking on the door, I hear a deep voice telling me to come on in. My ear turns to the sound, wondering if I heard it wrong. Before I can place my hand on the knob, the white door swings open to a big, tanned man who puts my height to shame.

  “What took you so—” His words evaporate from his mouth as he stares at me, confused. “Can I help you?” he questions. I take a step forward, feeling my brows furrow as I try to sneak a peek inside. His stance challenges my six-foot-one height, blocking my view. Holding my piece of paper up, it takes the place of the stranger in front of me, and then I arch my back to see the house number, making sure it’s the right address.

  “Raya home?” The words come out slow as I brace myself for anything. I watch his dark eyes grow wide before he gives me another confused look.

  “Sorry, man, you must have the wrong address. No Raya lives here.”

  I can’t help but angle my head, knowing I have the right address.

  “I’m not leaving until I talk to her.” I hold my ground, gritting my teeth. He’s a liar; I can feel it in my bones. I look him over. He looks like a UFC fighter with his muscle mass and sharp facial features. He and I are two opposite poles of the spectrum. I’m still wearing my ranching Wrangler jeans, a logoed T-shirt I got from a supplier, and my cowboy boots.

  “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Try next door,” he says, starting to close the door in my face.

  Jutting my hand out, I stop the door, struggling against his opposing force. I have everything to lose if this door closes, an option I refuse to allow.

  “I love her. I need to see her.” I can see at that moment he takes pity on me. His hand on the doorframe lightens so we are no longer struggling. We have a stare off as he decides what to do with me.

  “Brax?” he asks me, making my spine stiffen. My smile has been long gone since her phone call. I’m at my wit’s end.

  “Who the fuck are you?” I’m not a curser by nature, but I’m tired of being the one always settling. I refuse to do that.

  He rolls his eyes at my outburst. “I’m not the bad guy here. I’m Nate.”

  “Raya’s mine.” I came here to fight for her. I will not go home empty-handed.

  “Well, she’s definitely not mine.” For the first time, he cracks a smile, one I don’t return.

  “What’s going on?”

  “She doesn’t live here. Sometimes she has her mail forwarded here, but that’s it.”

  I wait, hoping to hear more. I still don’t trust the guy. Even hearing he’s not interested in Raya doesn’t help the fact that I would love to throw a punch in his face.

  “Go home, Brax.” He looks at me with sympathy, and it makes me stand straighter. There is no reason for that look. “If she wants to get ahold of you, she will.”

  I’m practically vibrating, hating this man who looks at me like I don’t know my own girl.

  “I need to talk to her.” I try again, my composure failing at my desperateness.

  “That’s never going to happen. Do yourself a favor, and go back home to your little life and leave Raya out of it.”

  I can hear the challenge in his voice. I’m not someone who will be pushed around. I nod, turning around. This is far from over.

  CHAPTER 5

  I sit in front of my vanity mirror, twisting my hair up. Nate’s tan reflection stares back at me. I hate the weight of his look. The strapless evening gown I’m wearing doesn’t allow me to hide. I kicked out my mother’s stylist and makeup artist, hating the vacuum they made in my airway.

  I pluck at an imaginary piece of lint on my immaculate teal-blue dress that hugs me perfectly. The tight corset constricts my breathing, pressing into my stomach, reminding me of my situation.

  “He showed up to my place the other day.”

  My heart skips a beat as I place my hand on my stomach.

  “He loves you.”

  I refuse to lift my eyes, scared of what I will see in Nate.

  What I want to say is I love him too. I would do anything for Brax. But if my father ever found out I was pregnant, I’m not sure either of us would live through it. My father is ruthless, and getting his only daughter pregnant would put Brax on top of his hit list. If there were any way to salvage Brax and me, I would do it in a heartbeat. If I wasn’t so afraid of what Father would do to Brax, I might consider risking it. But if he ever did anything to him, I wouldn’t be able to live through it. What I’m doing right now is hard, but that would ruin me.

  “Well, that doesn’t matter, does it?” I scoff, hating how my voice wavers. Nate could always see through me.

  “Why are you doing this dinner?”

  That’s a good question. I’m doing what I always end up doing. I am being the obedient daughter. Truth be told, I have no idea what my next step is. I’m biding my time until I figure it out. I won’t have much time before my pregnancy is found out. I need to have a plan before then. My father won’t take kindly to the news when he’s still selling the untrue fact that I’m a virgin.

  I can’t help a chuckle that escapes me before I suck in my lips to cover it up.

  Nate sighs behind me, his hands pulling through his dreadlocks. “Why do you make my job so hard?”

  If we weren’t unlikely friends, my life would be a whole lot harder. It was Nate who convinced my father to allow me to go to college, under his watchful eye. It gave us four years of freedom in which we both got to be ourselves.

  Coming back home seems more like a prison sentence than anything now, where before it just felt suffocating with my lack of knowledge of what real life was like. I miss those carefree days of Shay and me. We both had so much going on that neither of us dug too deep. Coming home to Three Rivers with her changed my life, bringing Brax into my world.

  If only I could keep him there.

  “You better figure it out soon.” Nate’s full-on commanding tone halts my movements. He never uses that tone toward me. “We are both dead ducks in the water if he finds out.”

  My heart races as I begin to fully understand the danger I have put us both in. Nate was to keep me safe, and in my father’s eyes, he will have failed his one task. My father doesn’t believe in disappointment or failure. No one has ever been given the chance to fail him more than once.

  “I’ll figure it out,” I whisper before standing up. Holding my head high, I fake the confidence I need. Nate trails
behind me as I begin to walk downstairs, ready to take my position before our company arrives.

  My foot touches the last stair of our massive staircase as the doorbell rings. It vibrates through the whole house as it chimes its song. My head turns to the door. No one rings our bell. No one comes over unannounced. Guests are greeted by our butler at the precise time they are given. There is never any deviation.

  I turn back to look at Nate, his bodyguard face in place. I take a step farther, wondering if I should open the door. My steps are slow and unsure. Nate steps around me, heading for the entrance, ready to block me from any harm.

  It’s sad we both need to think that way. “It’s a casualty of business,” my father voice repeats in my head.

  I stay tight behind Nate. I already know who stands behind the bulletproof glass before he opens it.

  Brax stands there looking out of place. Behind him, the gate attendant is smiling at me. I swear my father’s men try to get me in trouble more times than not.

  Brax’s typically bright and shiny eyes look more like a smoke-covered blue sky. The redness outlining his once colorful irises shows me the depth of my actions. Peering around Nate, I can smell the liquor radiating off from him, his once woodsy scent long gone, mixing with the evil that resides in this place. His feet shuffle ungracefully. Brax looks from me to Nate before closing his eyes. I try to get closer, but Nate keeps a firm hand on me, pushing back when he feels I’m getting too close.

  Not only is Nate in bodyguard mode, but also at this moment, he is one of my dad’s men. He cannot show weakness. Weakness would be allowing me to push him out of the way.

  I can feel the bile rising in my throat realizing my father is most likely watching this interaction. He now has a face to a name, one I hoped he would never need to know. I have led my kind, loving man right into the lion’s den.

  “Is he why you left me?” Brax raises his head to look me right in the eye. It hurts my heart that he is so broken because of me. If I were any other girl, we would have had a perfect life together. I so badly wanted to be that girl.