Bittersweet Moments

by Bowie, Emily

  Gloria is already on the move, heading toward her car. I’m not sure where she was, but it must have been close enough to keep tabs on me.

  Getting into her car, I slam the door, hoping to not create an outburst with the tears that need to escape. They will be let go, but I hope to keep a shred of dignity.

  “Well, girlfriend, I now see why Rhett Steele is not your type.” She fans herself before placing the car into drive.

  “Are we picking up one or two bottles for tonight?” she asks me while playfully wiggling her perfectly manicured eyebrows up and down.

  “I think I need more than that,” I confess.

  CHAPTER 10

  Rhett doesn’t say anything as he walks up to me, both of us watching the sway of hips that are deserting us. He doesn’t have to acknowledge who the mystery girl is, because he already knows. It would only take one look at my face for him to see. I wait for the question to confirm, but it never comes.

  “We getting fucked up tonight?” That’s Rhett for you. Life is one big party. I doubt he has anything to worry about. He staffs people to worry about his problems, so he doesn’t have to.

  “That meaning we’re staying the night?”

  “Not much other option, is there?” He shrugs dismissively. I’m thankful for the distraction while I work out what’s happening inside with my turmoil. Rhett gets me, knowing I couldn’t leave this town now even if I wanted to. Raya and I have unfinished business.

  *

  I wake up to my brother’s naked ass walking someone out the door.

  “Put on some fucking clothes,” I yell after him. The door opens to our motel, causing me to swing my forearm over my eyes from the light. I’m pretty sure this is the shittiest place I have ever slept, but when you come in at six in the morning, most places don’t have much to offer.

  My body turns on the couch, trying to escape the pointy metal coil pinching my spine. I can hear the murmur of voices at the door that sound way louder in my head than I’m sure they are. When the voices stop, my body relaxes into the silence before its broken by Rhett’s words right by my head.

  “Shay’s been calling our phones relentlessly. You better call her back.”

  “Why me?” I groan. I’m not sure if I can handle our sister right now. I know she will take the news of Raya being alive worse than I did, and look at me now. I feel like death, pretty sure someone shit in my mouth last night, and my brother’s ass is seared into my mind. No one would be in a good mood waking up like this.

  “Listen, I’m still drunk,” Rhett says like it’s a logical reason, as he saunters past me, heading toward the only bedroom in this suite. “And apparently we thought the truck needed a monster truck like tune-up last night, so we are stuck here till it gets fixed.”

  I grumble as the images all come flooding back to me. “We ordered a lift kit off the internet last night, didn’t we?”

  “You not me, but yup.” Rhett’s words come out as a chuckle from his room.

  “I already started to take apart your truck to get it started,” I say more to myself as the night starts to shape itself together from my memories.

  “The pieces will be here today sometime. I need my lift installed by Monday, and we’re going to church tomorrow.”

  “The fuck?”

  My brother comes into my view fully dressed, nearly hitting me in the head with the cell phone he tosses on his way by without a second glance.

  “Where are you going?” I protest, my own voice making my head throb more.

  “I need some coffee,” he remarks, half out the door.

  I roll my cell in my hands, debating what to do. It’s already late in the afternoon. Maybe I can put off Shay until tomorrow. Like her ears are on fire from me thinking about her, her name flashes across my screen.

  I watch it ring in my hands until I accept the call at the very last ring. “Hi, Shay.” I try to force my voice out, its grogginess from just waking up coming through loudly.

  “You’re seriously just waking up?” Her words are a part scold, part in awe. “You know the last time I got to sleep in?” She audibly pouts.

  I can’t help but laugh at this. She really does miss her sleep. “Not my fault you decided to have kids,” I tease her.

  “Oh hush now.” I can imagine her swatting the air around the phone. “How was the concert?”

  “Good, it was what I needed.” I want to tell her about Raya, but I can’t help liking that Raya is my little secret for right now.

  “When will you be home?” she asks, needing to look after her own place. With me being here, I still required someone to help out at the ranch. I have spread myself thin by buying up more ranching land as it comes up. I’ve needed more help than I realized, and the cash supply is fairly low until I can pay a bit of it off. But the investment is worth it. I forecast it to pay itself off in just a few short years. Because Shay is my sweet sister, I convinced her that I need her more than her husband Luke, so here she is helping me out for a rare few days off. Sitting up, I think of the best way to let her down.

  “Brax Steele, what are you hiding?”

  Might as well rip it off like a Band-Aid. “I decided to give Rhett’s truck a lift, but I’m still waiting on the parts with his truck torn apart.”

  The line is silent.

  “A lift kit?” she prompts slowly, her tone unimpressed.

  “Apparently,” I sheepishly reply. My whole body winces, hoping she doesn’t go off on me, as I wait for her response.

  “You know, you’re lucky you didn’t get a DUI. You’re aware that can happen working on a vehicle while drinking, right? Then where would we be?”

  I love my sister, but man when she speaks, I swear our mother speaks through her. And why does she assume I was drunk while we did that? I was, but that’s not the point. The point is she needs to have some faith in us boys. This would be wasted on her ears though, so I get straight to the point.

  “I will be home Monday.” I cringe as I wait for her response once again.

  “Monday!” I know her mind is racing a mile a minute trying to fix this. Shay is our fixer, always trying to make everything right. That’s why when she finds out Raya is alive it will destroy her. Never mind the fact that she duped her so-called best friend in addition to me. Shay mourned just as much for her as I did. Only in a healthier manner, I suppose.

  “Okay, that can work. I will have Wren come in to help,” she mentions our ranch hand that has been coming in. I huff out, knowing there isn’t a lot of money to pay him for coming in on an unscheduled day.

  “Stop thinking too hard, Brax. It will be fine. The oil surveyors are arriving next week.”

  Hearing that makes me think we may be selling our souls to the devil. I hate the fact that we are actually thinking about allowing an oil company onto our land, using our natural resources. But if I don’t, they’ll go next door and we will get nothing. My world is crashing in on me in every direction, it seems. My hand runs down my face from my forehead, pulling at my skin, as I start to think about the selling of part of our land to finding Raya alive.

  “I need to tell you something, Shay.” My words are hesitant, not knowing how to broach the subject. I’m still not sure if this is the right decision in telling her.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks, concerned.

  “Promise you’re not going to freak out or run down here once I tell you.”

  “Brax Steele, are you secretly dating someone?” There is hope in her voice as I hear the excitement build.

  “No.” I cut her off before she can start planning my wedding. “I found Raya.”

  The line is silent. “Brax, how many times have we talked about this?” she asks, frustrated, probably thinking this is another one of my downward spirals.

  “She’s not dead.”

  “You must still be drunk.” The edge of her voice cuts me.

  “Fuck, Shay.” My volume rises. “Rhett saw her too. I talked to her.”

  I can hear her w
hisper “Oh my God” in that same stunned way I felt when I first saw her.

  “Mommy, are you okay?” I hear Connor’s sweet little voice. The phone muffles as she talks to her oldest son. When I don’t hear her talking anymore, I continue on, hoping she’s still there.

  “Please don’t tell anyone. I’m still figuring everything out. It sounds like she’s hiding from her father. But as soon as I know more, I will let you know.”

  “Yeah, okay.” She still sounds stunned, her voice hardly audible. I better text Luke and let him know what’s going on so he can be there for his wife if she needs it.

  “Talk soon, Shay.”

  Quickly, I type out a message to Luke, hoping I made the right decision in confiding in my sister.

  Tossing my phone to the ground, I look up to see Rhett walking in with two paper cups.

  “Man, I like how they’re grown down here. These women are fine,” he drawls out as he chuckles, clearly feeling better than I do. “I can’t say no to those cute, tight cardigan sweaters—or apparently the preacher’s daughter.” He wiggles his eyebrows for effect. “You’re looking at tomorrow’s opening act at church.”

  Of course he is. I swear my brother doesn’t have an Off switch. He’s like the Energizer bunny and keeps going and going.

  “And don’t think you can skip out on this.” He points his finger at me. “A little religion might do us both some good.”

  “You’re forgetting I take Ma to church. If you—” I’m about to say if you came home more, but he cuts me off.

  “Don’t start. If you didn’t want to fix up my truck, we wouldn’t be stuck here in the first place. This is your fault.”

  CHAPTER 11

  The thing about sleeping all day nursing a hangover is that the next day, your body needs to move. I’ve walked around this small town looking at each and every house, trying to picture what Raya would look like living in it. I have it narrowed down to two houses that could be hers, at least in my own mind.

  I go through the reasons that made me come up with the houses I picked. One had a yappy little Yorkie dog. I figured she would be lonely living all by herself, and she would probably get a dog. I recall her saying how she was never allowed a pet.

  The other house was put together perfectly, like she always is. The lawn was bright green despite the heat of Texas, and flowers bloomed. It had a reading nook on the inside at the front window, allowing her to watch over the street.

  Yeah, I’m the crazy guy who walked up close enough to see, hoping to catch a glance of her again. I think about this as I’m working on Rhett’s truck, anticipating maybe this will get me out of church. I know how small towns work, ones where their white church is the focal point in the center. Church is a social outing everyone attends. It’s like a gala, without the evening gowns, but the expectations are the same. If I go, I will see Raya again.

  The guy who is peeping into windows is scared to see her again. What irony.

  “You better get in here and shower up.” Rhett leans against our motel door, staring at me in the parking lot. “You’re not getting out of it. Anyway, the preacher’s daughter has a sister.” Lifting my head from the truck, I see him wink at me. He said it like he’s creating fate for me. If I know Rhett, he will be happy to entertain both daughters.

  “I’ll be there in ten minutes,” I tell him as I continue to work. I need this lift to be close enough to finished, so if I need to run out of town tonight, I can entertain the thought. Rhett’s band mates are already long gone, laughing at us for fixing up a truck in the middle of the woods.

  *

  “Don’t worry, man. The sister will love you,” Rhett teases me, trying to make light of my mood. We’re both fully aware I don’t give two shits about the sister. I’m sure she is a nice person, but I only care about Raya. I will not lose her again. I spent months not believing she was gone, and over the years, she was the only woman I ever felt anything for. My heart still feels cracked from how things were left. This is my chance to prove to her that we can make it. Her dad will never find her.

  As I walk up to the big white church, my eyes constantly roam the area, needing another glimpse of the girl who still holds my heart strongly in her grasp. I hear Rhett clear his throat for the third time and finally look up to him. The preacher has his hand held out toward mine. “Hello.” I fake my smile while shaking his hand.

  I try to hold onto the conversation, only for my eyes to wander again. Then, the vision of her hits me like a ton of bricks. She’s in a black dress, while everyone else is in summer colors. Her brown hair is curled and cascades down her back. Those light pink lips I love to kiss glisten with her lip gloss. My lips tingle, remembering their sensation. I watch her walk with the grace she’s always had. My eyes trace the outline of her body to be sucker punched in the stomach. Her fingers link together with other fingers, ones so glazed by the sun they look opposite of hers.

  I watch behind the crowd, seeing a tall, muscular man holding her hand looking down and smiling at her face. Immediately, recognition dawns on me. He’s the man whose front porch I stepped upon all those years ago. My stomach turns, making me feel like I’m going to empty the coffee sitting in my gut.

  She’s with the man she told me was only her bodyguard, the one who said she would never be his type. Yet here they are, holding hands, looking happy. Jealousy hits me hard, coiling around my ribs. I should be the one holding her hand. I should be walking into church with her.

  They don’t know I’m watching yet, as I hide behind the little circle that has gathered around Rhett. I need this time to see her from afar. I move around the circle’s edge, keeping my eyes on her. It’s then I watch them both turn at the same time as a little boy comes running up. Their hands automatically come apart for his little hands to complete them as he stands in the middle.

  They look like a family, a happy family. My throat feels like sandpaper thinking this.

  “It’s not what it looks like,” I scold myself. There has to be some explanation. I steel my shoulders and press forward. I know the moment she spots me; her eyes feel like lasers on my already hot skin. My heartbeats shake my body with each step as I fake my confidence.

  Once our eyes lock, I see the same girl I loved. Her eyes tell the same story as mine. So much admiration, love, desire, and confusion enter and swirl around, clouding each feeling. The need to touch her again, the hunger for her kiss, makes me press on till we are a foot away from each other.

  I don’t acknowledge Nate. I hear him talk to her, and then he disappears with the child.

  “Raya.” I can hear the gruffness in my voice. I can see she’s torn between wanting to embrace me and staying in place. My hand has a mind of its own as it swipes down her bare shoulder, unable to stop myself from the small contact.

  My eyes never leave hers. “Do you love him?” I ask, needing to know if she has truly given up on us, because I never have.

  “You’re not being fair, Brax.” There is pleading in her eyes, and something else I can’t pinpoint. “My life has never been about who I love.”

  I feel sad that she feels this way. What a horrible way to live. “It should be,” I tell her, wanting her to pick me over him so badly. “I’ve never stopped loving you.”

  I watch as she closes those gorgeous eyes of hers and takes a deep breath. That little bow in her top lip purses out as she releases it.

  I can feel the energy of our two bodies zing together like they always have. I’m jealous that he gets to feel this too. Gets to see her fantastic body, gets to kiss each and every part of it whenever he wants. I used to have that, and I want it back.

  “Mommy.” The name is like a jagged cut to my heart. Looking down, I see a giant mop of dark brown hair as a little boy grabs onto Raya’s hand.

  I take a step back in shock, as if that one word punched me in the gut. I look toward Nate to see him keeping a protective watch over his family while giving us our space. He is a bigger man than me. I would be knocking me
out, because that is what I want to do to him. He stole my perfect life.

  I watch as she kneels down to the little boy’s height. “Honey, why don’t you go play, and I will be there in one more minute? I’m just finishing my conversation.”

  I can see him look at me, but I refuse to look at him. He should have been ours. I can’t take it anymore.

  “Sorry I bothered you. You have a beautiful family,” I compliment. She only gives me a sad smile. I now realize that maybe I never truly knew Raya. Never in a million years would I ever dream of her having a life like this. It almost makes me think I’m still drunk, watching a horrible nightmare play out.

  *

  Picking up Madden, I watch as Brax walks away hurt. If only he knew the truth. Madden is ours. My black dress feels fitting for this moment. I feel like I just walked into my own funeral. The pain in my chest is overwhelming.

  I can feel little hands hold both sides of my cheeks to gather my attention. He places his eyes right in front of mine, making it hard to only see one of him, and then he hugs me. This is my new reason for life. I will do right by him.

  “I have a picture of him,” Madden whispers into my ear. It’s true; I’ve always kept a picture of Brax by his bedside.

  My throat is clogged, unable to speak, so I just nod. I know I have to tell Brax the truth. Madden is no longer my secret to keep from him. The thought is terrifying.

  Nate walks up to me, talking lowly so no one can hear. “We can go home if you want.”

  If I go home, all I will do is cry on my bed. So I shake my head, trying to be strong, pushing my turmoil down. Madden squirms out of my grasp, not realizing the magnitude of what is happening, to go chase bubbles that a group of other children are already playing with.

  Nate drapes his arm around me, trying to reassure me. I can’t see Brax, but I know he is watching us. My best friend pinches the top of my shoulders, feeling my tense muscles. “You need to relax,” he whispers into my ear.