Atonement

by J H Cardwell

  Now we were back to new classes, and a busy schedule. And for some reason, Tate wasn’t only having to attend practices, and games (home and away), he was also having to spend even more time with the coaches. They must have been making him more perfect I guess? It was becoming hard to find time to see each other at all.

  We managed to squeeze in some time though, and much like now, it was at the coffee shop in-between our dorms (since they were a good ways apart).

  Tate had just bought me my favorite drink, Grande, nonfat, one pump of white mocha latte with light whip. Mmmm, now this was wonderful.

  “I’m sorry we only have about 30 minutes Reese,” said Tate. “I can’t believe Coach Dryers wants me there at 6:30 again tonight for individuals. He says of course, practice makes perfect.”

  “Tate, you already are perfect. How much better could you possibly get? I mean the season is in full swing, you get plenty of practice,” I said. I was frustrated. I knew how good he was. This is college ball, not the pros. He had studies to worry about. Then a thought hit me…

  “Tate, why are they treating you like you’re in the pros?” Maybe I was wrong, but I suddenly had a strange feeling.

  Tate didn’t say anything for a minute. “Well, I guess they think, I mean, they know that I will be looked at for early advancement to the pros, so…”

  “Well, sure, but not this soon. You’ve got at least a couple of years to become even stronger, playing here for Wake Forest.” I thought why were they trying to work him to death now?

  “Um, well, they kind of have a reason to push me hard now Reese.” Tate turned away from me and looked at the floor.

  “What, I mean why do you say that Tate, they’re barely letting you breathe?” I was now very confused.

  “Any time a college gets one of their players to the pros, it looks good for them as a school, that they can attain that talent to begin with.” Tate said. He was talking in circles.

  “Sure, I get that (I guess), but like I said, you’ve got time. They’re going to kill you. You’re only a freshman, in the middle of your first season here. So why now?” I asked, my face scrunched up looking at Tate. I missed him, this was the real reason for my questions. They were keeping him away from me.

  “Well, because I, um, have two professional scouts coming to watch me hit in a couple of weeks.” He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

  I stared at him in shock. This was crazy, he was SO young, and he hadn’t shared any of this with me before now.

  “What? I don’t understand. When did you find this out?” I asked.

  Tate was silent, still not looking at me.

  “Tate, what is going on here? I don’t get it? Why are you being so vague, what are you not telling me?” I was starting to get worried. It wasn’t like Tate to keep things from me. And, this was HUGE. I mean the professionals?

  This time Tate turned to look at me. Our knees touching, his eyes on mine he said “Reese, I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know how I felt about it yet. I mean, I think it’s early too, I haven’t even really gotten to experience college, much less be here on campus with you.” He looked down then, “and I was sure it wouldn’t happen anyway, and we would just get all excited and upset about nothing.”

  “Tate, you’re supposed to share everything with me.” I reached up and put my hand on his face. My eyes were pleading with him. “We need to work through these life changes together. I want to be here for you. This is so BIG Tate, the pros. I understand you don’t want to build it up too much in case it doesn’t happen now, but Tate, it WILL happen. You’re that good. I wouldn’t mind a little more time with you first though, here, at school.” I was getting a little emotional thinking how our lives would change even more if we weren’t in the same town. I dropped my hands back down to my lap.

  He shook his head, now staring at the table.

  I let out a long sigh trying to ease the tension between us. “So when did you find out Tate? How long have you known they were coming to see you hit?” I asked.

  “Um, a little while.” He whispered. I looked at him like he knew he better elaborate. “Right before Christmas,” he said nervously and looking away.

  Now I was really upset. He had known for over three months, and I was just finding out.

  “You mean…” the light bulb went off. “Now I know why your dad was talking to me so much about our schedules, and how I might need to be careful how I kept you away from focusing on baseball. I blew his comments off, but he was making sure I didn’t screw this up for you. I can’t believe you kept this from me Tate.” I was hurt, truly hurt. “Ahhh! What else have you kept from me? I thought we were both wide open with each other.”

  Tate was quiet. Then he turned to me and grabbing my hands he said “Reese, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before now. I was worried how you would react. I don’t want to have secrets from you. I, um, I have to tell you how this came about. Please, don’t be upset with me. I’m not sure why in the end I kept it from you, except I knew you would have so many concerns. I was trying to keep us happy, together.” Oh, those eyes. Those gorgeous eyes were chasing mine all over this sudden chaos in front of us.

  “They saw your scrimmages last year, is that how?” I asked. I knew he had drawn a crowd even back then. “Or have they been watching you since high school?”

  “Well yeah, sort of, but not really until they were asked to come watch me hit.” He said.

  Looking sheepishly at me again, like I was going to hit him or something, he said “I don’t want to…not anymore, I don’t want to hide anything from you Reese…it was Samuel Ash who asked them to see me.”

  I know I had a very confused look on my face. I mouthed ‘Samuel Ash’ trying to think who in the heck that was, then it dawned on me. My eyes got big, staring at Tate, I said “Lauren’s dad…YOUR EX, Lauren’s dad. What in the hell Tate? Why would he ask them to watch you play?”

  “Because…because he has part-ownership in two professional baseball teams, and because…

  “Lauren asked him to…” I finished his sentence for him. Oh! Lauren was still not giving up on Tate. It was all coming back to me. The conversation I overheard at the pool last summer, and the gossip Chloe was giving me about Lauren still wanting Tate.

  I let out a long, deep breath. My heart was being squeezed too tight. There had been months of betrayal and crap happening behind my back. Is this what a heart attack felt like? I was completely stunned at first. Then my anger flared. My thoughts were running together.

  “I. Can’t. Believe. Her….Or. You!” I shoved his chest. “Now I am officially pissed Tate Justice. Even more of a reason for you to tell me. What were you thinking? Why didn’t you tell her NO? Surely another team would come along…do you not think anymore of me than that?”

  Tate cut me off , “I did tell her no, I mean…”

  “Wait, you’ve been talking with her. I was kidding Tate. I didn’t realize you’ve been actually talking with Lauren.” I wasn’t sure, but I think steam was coming out of my ears. I know if he looked close, he would see my heart breaking, bleeding for what I thought we had just ten minutes ago.

  “Calm down Reese, I..um…”

  “Save it Tate,” I was crying now, but I would be damned if I would let him see me. I got up quickly and walked out to my car. My vision was blurred from the hurt and anger I was feeling. Of course Tate followed.

  “Reese wait, let’s talk this out. You’re overreacting!” I whipped my head around to him.

  “Don’t you dare, Tate. I’m not the jealous freak in this relationship. This is different, and on so many levels too. Lauren was your ex.” I walked up to him putting my finger in his chest. “You two,” my breath caught and I spoke next through clenched teeth, “have a history together…you slept with her while y’all were dating,” now I was crying harder. “There is no way in hell I shouldn’t be furious that you’ve been talking with her and not telling me. How many times Tate? Have you seen her too?” The expres
sion on his face told it all. “You have…” I whispered, “you’ve not only been talking with her, but you’ve seen her too!” Everything seemed clear suddenly. He hadn’t encouraged anything sexual in a few months, maybe because he didn’t feel the urge too. Was he getting his fulfillment with Lauren? I had thought it was just him being so busy with baseball. I turned back around this time determined to spin tires out of there. I got in my car and slammed the door. Tate was holding on to the handle, but I locked the door. He got super close to my window, and was all but screaming in it.

  “Only to work out the details for baseball Reese. Nothing happened. My dad and her dad were there most of the time too.” He said his voice muffled through the glass of my window.

  Now my heart hurt more, I had even been betrayed by his dad. “Your dad is helping you see Lauren, isn’t he?” It really wasn’t a question, I was stating a fact. I knew his dad seemed a little distant at Christmas. Now I knew it was because he was more interested in Tate’s baseball career than his personal life. Great.

  “You kissed her didn’t you Tate. You probably had sex with her too, might as well, since I won’t cave with you.” I was on the verge of breaking down.

  “She kissed me Reese, she’s been the one trying to push herself on me…I tell her I’m with you. I think she knows that now.” He was still pleading. Crap this just keeps getting worse.

  I just stared, trying to seem un-phased and uncaring. “Goodbye Tate, I wouldn’t want you to skip any practice time, you better get going.” Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn’t believe how in the course of 30 minutes my life had taken a drastic turn. My tires did actually spin as I pulled out of the parking lot. Tate was yelling, “you said you would never leave me Reese, I love you, I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what to do…so I called Elle.

  “Hey girl, want to grab some sushi for dinner?” She had picked up on the first ring, not even allowing me a hello.

  I was silent. “Reese, did you hear me?” Then her voice became more panicked. “What’s wrong?” She asked forcefully. “Are you okay?”

  “No,” I managed to squeak out. “I’m not…Tate and I might have just broken up Elle. I’m not really sure what’s happening right now.”

  “Where are you? I’ll come and meet you.” She said calmly. “Ahhh, I’m so sorry Reese, but I’m sure you two can work this out.”

  “I don’t think…we can work out the fact… that he would throw our relationship away to play for the pros…just because Lauren can get him there quickly.” I said matter of factly and in between sobs.

  “What! That bitch. This is about Lauren Ash. I’m coming, don’t move a muscle”, Elle seethed. I could hear her grabbing her keys and purse and heading out the door.

  ended up texting Elle and meeting her at The Sushi Hut. We sat in the back where it was darker. I spilled my guts about Tate and my conversation. By the time I was done, she was seeing red.

  “I can’t believe Tate and his dad would be instigating this…this…screwing you over Reese. That’s just plain cold that they would let Lauren worm her way back into his life; and simply because of her contacts with baseball.”

  To hear her say it out loud twisted the dagger in my heart even more.

  “I think no matter what Tate has to say, I’ll need time. He has crushed my trust for him. The one thing I thought I would never question again was his loyalty, after his confession of what happened between him and Lisa.”

  “Reese, maybe it’s time you two took a break. I think every couple needs time every now and then,” said Elle, scrunching up her eyebrows and reaching for my hand.

  Just that thought alone made me burst out crying. “You and Finn don’t need a break Elle. Why can’t we be more like the two of you?” I asked in between sobs. I had wondered about this a lot more lately. Their relationship just seemed SO much easier than ours.

  “You and Tate are just so…intense. You take everything so passionately,” said Elle.

  “So you don’t think I should be upset that he held this from me?” I asked with a confused look on my face.

  “I didn’t say that…I think he deserves your anger and resentment for keeping you in the dark. I mean we are talking about Lauren here. He should have at least told you. More importantly, he should have run the other way, not worked with her!” Elle said. She was getting more worked up the longer she talked.

  That’s exactly what I thought. I had never felt so betrayed. While I hoped he hadn’t physically cheated on me by sleeping with her. I felt like he had belittled me and what we have. I mean…had. Oh God, the water works were coming again.

  “Okay, we’re SO getting drunk tonight my friend,” said Elle. “Waiter…two shots of Patron with lime and salt please” yelled Elle to the cute little waiter watching our every move. They never carded here. All college students took advantage of that fact too. “They’ll bring the individual sealed shots of Patron, Reese, so no worries.” She knew this still bothered me, not always knowing if my drink had been spiked. Even though we now knew for sure it had been Carter who had spiked my drink when he date raped me.

  “But, I don’t think I can Elle,” I said and really meaning it. “I have class tomorrow morning, and…”

  Elle cut me off “Well, tough. You are Reese, and it’s not like you have missed any classes up until now…no excuses. You’re a blubbering mess.” She was right. I was useless like this anyhow.

  The shots arrived, and before we even had time to take them, Elle ordered two more. What the hell! Like a magnet, the tequila drew the guys. They must think the old saying ‘tequila makes your clothes fall off ’, to be true, but not with us!

  “Okay, here we go. Follow my lead Reese,” said Elle. She grabbed the lime and salt shaker motioning for me to do the same. I took it reluctantly. “Now, lick here between your thumb and finger, pour the salt, and on the count of three, lick the salt, throw back the shot and suck the lime….One. Two. Three.” We did and ahhh if it didn’t burn all the way down.

  “Whew!” I dropped my head down, and scooted my chair back. Then the other shot had arrived.

  “I can’t do another one Elle”, I said, looking as sincere as possible. “Please, that one was plenty.”

  “Too bad Reese. We’re going to. You would make me if I were in this position, but let’s grab a bite to eat first.” Elle was playing my caretaker for the evening, and trying her best to make me feel better.

  We ordered a spicy tuna roll, ahi tuna, edamame and a side of rice (more to soak the alcohol up with). In between the first and second sushi roll, we took the second shot. A group of guys had pulled up chairs talking with us as we ate. They bought us another round. I know we shouldn’t have let them, but I was SO upset, I absolutely wasn’t thinking clearly. They flirted with us for hours. One of the taller guys said “Hey, aren’t you Tate Justice’s girlfriend?” The rest of the guys looked at him like he was crazy.

  “No questions tonight boys,” Elle jumped in. “She’s just here having a good time,” that of course raised several eyebrows. I was suddenly sad by the mention of his name and the biggest likelihood that the word ‘girlfriend’ would forever be past tense.

  I caught sight of one of the girls in my anatomy class studying by herself so I asked her to take me home. The guys seemed utterly disappointed, but I was afraid to stay any longer with my tail tucked between my legs. What it might cause me to do? I wasn’t sure.

  On the way back to my dorm I checked my phone. Of course there were several missed calls and texts from Tate. He was beside himself with worry. Well, good. He should be worried. Then I started crying again. I didn’t want our little world of Tate and me to change, but it had. I still couldn’t comprehend why Tate had kept this from me for so long. I believed there was something seriously worth hiding, that’s the only conclusion I could come up with.

  I thanked my classmate for driving me as I got out of her car. I would have to get my car tomorrow. Elle was staying behind…I wasn’t sure that was a good idea,
since she had been drinking and all, but she said Finn would pick her up soon. I couldn’t believe how swimmy-headed I was from the tequila. I sighed…I guess I feel a little less tormented with the alcohol on board, but I knew it was only temporary. Once the affects wore off, I would surely still be as broken-hearted.

  I was digging my keys out of my purse, heading to my dorm room door, and probably swaying a little too. As I got to the doorknob, looking down at the ground, I registered a pair of shoes attached to someone leaning up against the wall…As I made my way up their body, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. His legs crossed at the ankles, arms crossed over his chest, piercing blue eyes seeing straight through me…John.

  What in the… Elle!

  I froze. I couldn’t break away from his glare. He had his lips turned up a little in a slight smile, but his eyes were what were speaking to me.

  “John…” I said breathlessly. “What are you…How did you?” I was tripping over my words. All of a sudden, my tongue couldn’t remember how to form words.

  “Reese,” he stepped towards me, grabbing my arms gently, and leaning back to look me over. Then he slowly and softly put his arms around me for a sweet embrace, bringing out all kinds of dormant emotions.

  “Oh God Reese, I have missed you so much. I’m sorry for your sadness, I truly am.” John was hugging me like his life depended on it now. His smell was euphoric, tantalizing my senses even further. But what really struck me was the familiarity of his touch. His warm hands were encircling my waist, and his strong chest against mine. I began crying…hard. He used his thumbs to wipe away my tears. Then he hugged me again. Could I be content if this lasted all night? I think so.

  After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to speak more clearly. “John, I don’t even have to ask how you knew, Elle told you, didn’t she?” I didn’t give him a chance to answer. “I just assumed you had finally moved on, I haven’t heard from you since last summer…wait, maybe you have, and you’re just here for another reason…” I was shaking my head; my words were not coming out right.