Atonement

by J H Cardwell

  “Reese…you came. How did you?...Oh God…” He practically ran across the room, grabbing me in a forceful embrace. He was hugging me, his shoulders shaking, and crying into my neck. I started crying too. His feel, his touch, his breath…my Tate. Oh God. My heart was betraying me. It was like it was finally back home. Tate’s muscular arms were squeezing me, his chest pressed into mine.

  “Tate. I’m so sorry about your dad. Elle told me what happened. Has there been any change? Any change at all?”

  He had a look of relief wash over his features. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was here, and we were actually hugging, or because his dad was better.

  Hugging me tight again, he said “It’s not good Reese. After what they found in the cath lab, they rushed him in to have emergency bypass surgery. They’re trying to save his heart…” His frame was shaking again. I was rubbing his back. Oh God, I hated to see him this way.

  “Tate, can I pray…please?” He shook his head yes. We said a prayer out loud for his dad, and I mostly prayed that Tate would have peace about whatever happened now or in the future, especially about his dad. He seemed so grateful, and was wiping his eyes right before he grabbed my hands. Pulling them up to his mouth, he kissed them both gingerly. He was about to say something when he looked down at what he had kissed on my right ring finger. Turning it toward his face to have a better look, his confused expression quickly turned to fear. His breath caught in his chest.

  “Reese. What in the hell? Please…” He was crying loudly now. “Please tell me this is not you and…and John? I don’t understand.” A flash of anger spread across his face.

  He dropped to his knees. “Why! Why Reese. Why do you hate me? I love you…God, I love you so much…I don’t want to live without you…can’t you see that? Please, don’t do this.” He was pleading with me. I broke down this time. I was sobbing hysterically. I reached down and cupped his face in my hands…his beautiful, devastated face.

  “I don’t want you to hurt like this Tate. I came to let you know I was thinking about you and praying for you during this time when your father is so sick. Please don’t take it for anything more…I can’t be here for anything but friendship and…and… history.” I was willing him to understand that what we had was in the past. As much as I would have never changed our course on purpose, he had. I had to remind myself of that very important game changer.

  “No, Reese. I’m so sorry I kept things from you, but I never really cheated on you. I fell into the long-term goals my dad and Lauren’s dad had for my future. But, it was never about her, I promise. I was just afraid to tell you. I didn’t want you to be insecure. I was wrong…I should have told you from the beginning. She…she made a pass at me…tried to kiss me after I had a few beers, but I didn’t kiss her back.” I was stunned. Was this really how it all played out? Did he really never want Lauren? But I couldn’t deny all that he had kept from me, and the kiss displayed for all in the newspaper. I quickly regained my composure.

  “Tate, that’s in the past. It’s okay. I have moved on from it. Please tell me you will too. I know you’re with Lauren now. She can do more for your career anyway. It will be fine…you’ll see.” I cringed; my skin crawled at my last comment. No way could him being with Lauren be better for me. All I wanted was for the lies, and his time with Lauren to be wiped out of our history.

  Just then, the door opened. I kept my eyes on Tate. His expression changed from sadness, to terror in a matter of seconds. He looked from me to the person at the door. When I turned around, I got the confirmation I needed. It was Lauren. She was standing at the door…she had come to be with him. Well…that’s what girlfriend’s did I guess. And, in my case, what old girlfriend’s did too. It hurt…God, it hurt. I wasn’t even thinking I would see her here. But, why wouldn’t I…I was getting ready to tell Tate goodbye when his deep, harsh voice broke the silence.

  “Lauren, could you give us some privacy please!” Was I mistaken or did Tate actually seethe those words he spoke to Lauren?

  She seemed to stare a hole straight through me as she walked over to Tate and put both hands on his arm to show how affectionate they were. Then she said, “sure babe, I’m heading to the vending area. Text me if I can bring you anything.” He gave a quick shake of the head, then he looked at me expectantly. I was probably staring at her with an open mouth. Her long blonde hair, and tan lean body was killing me. She had on a very expensive looking green, silk, SHORT dress with heels that accentuated her calf muscles; of which I’m sure she spent hours daily earning in the gym. I down right hated her. There, it’s true. The feelings I had when I see her couldn’t be healthy.

  When I snapped back to the present, I simply smiled at Tate. I knew it, this is where things were. I was crazy to let my heart fold for even a moment. Crap, it hurt all over again. He had allowed Lauren to pull him away from me…now I had further proof. She was here for him, with him, and she called him ‘babe’. It was time for me to go.

  Closing my eyes I sucked in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Anyway Tate. I’m sorry. Please tell Finn to keep us updated. I…I hope it turns out okay for your dad. I really do. I gave him a quick hug. I wanted him to realize I was okay with him moving on. He was protesting, because he knew I was serious. I wasn’t about to cave knowing Lauren was here for him.

  “Reese, she isn‘t supposed to be here. I’m so sorry for everything. I never planned this…this isn’t what it looks like.” He sounded desperate, like he was trying to fit the last few weeks into a few seconds. “She follows me everywhere I go. I don’t want her. Sure she has helped me…with baseball, with trying to get over you, she has been here, but I don’t love her. I love you.”

  As soon as he admitted that she had helped him get over me, I knew there was so much more to them. I also knew how much he had kept me in the dark since Christmas.

  “Tate, please don’t…don’t go there. I can’t trust you. You kept so much from me, then you lied to me, and you moved on…so quickly. Pictures say a thousand words…even when the one photographed is too much of a coward to admit it.” I cringed because I felt like I was also talking about myself, and how I had turned to John. But the truth was, that never would have happened if I were still with Tate.

  He looked confused at first, but then it registered. “You’re mad over the kiss. I get it…I would have been livid too. In fact, I can’t get the image of you kissing John, your body pressed up to his on the back of his bike, out of my head. Damn it Reese. Why did you have to do that? I’ve been going crazy…and now my dad.” He was pacing then he stepped quickly toward me, grabbing my shoulders he said, “I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. Everything that has ever happened, she instigated. I pulled away, EVERY time! Please believe me. I don’t want us to be over…ever. My life belongs with you…my future has to be you and me…Reese, please.” He smashed his lips up to mine. For a brief second my body relaxed. I wanted to cave, his lips felt so natural, so whole. But my brain quickly caught up with what was happening. I couldn’t…I needed to get away before I gave in.

  “I’ve got to go Tate. I…please update me through Finn. I wish your dad the best.”

  I rushed out of the room, just as the doctor was coming in. I was thankful, I think, that Tate couldn’t run after me.

  walked briskly down to the vending machines where I expected to see John making a cup of the awful hospital coffee. I was sure he would be worried about my contact with Tate. I was thinking of what to say to him as I was nearing the room when I heard talking. I recognized one of the voices as John’s, but I didn’t quite catch the other voice. It was the voice of a female. I stopped short of entering, and leaned back against the door frame. I wasn’t sure why, but I was eager to listen to them without them knowing I was there.

  John was sounding harsh with the girl, telling her she better not cave. She was all but screaming at him, saying she had no plans of giving in, that Tate was destined to be hers. What! I thought, what is going on? I stopped breathing. I didn
’t want to miss a word.

  “You better make sure he falls in love with you. I know he’s still hung up on Reese. We have to change that. She has too much history with him. But she would never forgive him if…I can’t believe you haven’t followed through with what we agreed on. When are you going to sleep with him already? Damn it Lauren…”

  My heart was thudding hard in my chest. I was trying not to breathe heavy, worried I would let on that I was there. How could Lauren even know John? I was shocked and suddenly nauseous. Why didn’t I remember that she said she would be in this part of the hospital right now? I guess because Tate had just kissed me and made my brain fuzzy.

  Then I heard chairs moving across the floor, it sounded like John’s voice was getting further from me, but closer to the direction where I heard Lauren’s. His voice was softer but I could still make it out.

  “I love Reese. I won’t settle for her EVER getting back with Tate. He really isn’t good for her. She needs someone that will take care of her every need,” John said.

  “P-Lease!” said Lauren. “She is a spoiled rotten bitch. Tate is lucky you and I have this little deal. He’s a sweet reward, but your inheritance is just as nice John. It’s a shame we didn’t meet before you fell for Reese. I would have taken care of you, if you know what I mean. I know Tate says Reese was waiting until she’s married to have sex.” Lauren was laughing.

  “Lauren, would you shut your trap about Reese. That’s what makes her so different…and trust me, she’s worth the wait. If I have my way, it won’t be long before she agrees to marry me.” John was much quieter. I’m sure he didn’t want to be overheard. I was still stunned by what was unfolding here in this room.

  “Listen John, this was all your idea, although, I love it of course. Tate is totally hot and soon to be more famous and rich. You are the one that called ME last summer. Don’t forget that! I got right to work for my dad to coax Tate’s dad to get him to meet with us. I put the moves on heavy, but lover-boy wasn’t biting until my dad got him drunk at Christmas. Then all he wanted to talk about was Reese, and how happy he was to possibly be playing in the Pro’s. I kissed him, hoping to get his mind off of her. I think he was at the brink of passing out, and he thought he was kissing her. We got pretty far too, but he knocked out. Anyhow, I made it clear to the Press that he was with me when they ran the picture of that kiss I instigated with Tate a few weeks ago. I know Reese had to see it…

  “Oh she did. That was the best yet Lauren. That’s how I ended up in her arms after she learned about Tate and you. This is almost done; and you’ll have Tate as well as all the fame you want from being his. Just keep them apart. This,” he said pausing, “being down here, while she’s up there won’t happen again. Right?” John said through clenched teeth. Now, I’m going to go get her if you don’t go up and interrupt them…”

  “I’m going…hold onto your shirt John! I wouldn’t want you to have to wait for precious Reese. I still don’t see what y’all see in her,” She seethed.

  I was so incredibly shocked by what I had just heard, I literally froze. It wasn’t until I heard footsteps coming my way that I was able to make myself move and duck into the bathrooms close by. I felt like I would hyperventilate…John had played me the whole time. Then it dawned on me. He was used to always getting what he wanted. This must be what he meant when he told me time and again after we first met that Tate would screw up and he would be there waiting for me. He had this ploy up his sleeve the whole time. I had so many questions and so many emotions rolling around in my head. How did he know about Lauren even being in Tate’s past, much less about her being able to pull strings with Tate’s baseball career? How did he first meet up with her and get her to agree to pursue Tate? I was determined to get to the bottom of this.

  Mostly though, I was going to have to let my hurt take a back seat while my anger drove the cart for a little while. I couldn’t break down from the pain. I had to play this game too. I wouldn’t sit around while someone used me like a puppet. I suddenly felt sorry for Tate, and not just because of his dad. However, I wasn’t sure why, but I wasn’t quite ready to let John know I knew what he had done.

  Since he would come looking for me if I didn’t show up soon, I decided to meet him down where he was near the vending machines. But before I could move, I glanced down at my ring finger. John’s shiny, new ring was mesmerizing to look at, and now it was also heart-wrenching. I had not been ready to marry him, but I was willing to commit to him. The ring had been scary but comforting. Now…How was I going to do this? I just need to rid myself of guys all together. Maybe Elle, Chloe, or Maura will know what to do.

  I walked slowly back toward the room where I had heard John and Lauren’s confession. I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly, saying a little prayer that I would know what to do next.

  “Reese, hey…are you okay? I was getting worried about you.” John said walking to give me a hug. I was so hoping he didn’t feel how tense I was. “You were gone a long time, did…did you and Tate talk? I’m dying to know how things went.”

  Oh I bet you are, I thought. I bet you are worried every time I see him that I will go back to him, and break it off with you. I couldn’t look John in the eyes. “He’s upset. He’s so close to his dad. They have always done everything together.”

  “I’m sure Reese, and I’m sorry about that for Tate too, but that’s not what I meant. After all this time, I’m sure Tate begged you to take him back.” John was trying to gauge my reaction, I could tell.

  This time I did lift my eyes to John’s. I was searching now. Searching to see what he looked like full of lies. He seemed so different to me now. Trying hard to hide my anger and sadness, I said, “Oh, I don’t think he needs to win me back. After all, he has Lauren. I forgot she would be here, but I wasn’t shocked when she walked in on the conversation Tate and I were having.” I looked down towards the floor, “ It hurts to see them together. I don’t think I’ve ever had more pain than when I learned of Tate’s betrayal.”

  I turned my back and walked away from John. The feelings of when Tate and I had broken up slammed against the wall of my heart like they were fresh all over again. “Lauren knew what she was doing. She crushed me…just like she always wanted to do.” Then I turned back to John. “You know, Lauren and Tate dated back in high school…while I was dating Carter? He said he never loved her, and that he was sort of relieved when she cheated on him. The worst part was she was easy…she let him have sex with her not long after they started dating. I really didn’t think she was Tate’s type…you know, she’s nothing like me.”

  John was staring at me. He walked closer, putting his hand on my arm. “Reese, you are too good for Tate. Don’t you see that? He’s drawn to Lauren now, and I for one couldn’t be happier. I should thank him for giving up on the two of you. I’m so glad I was there to pick up the pieces of your heart again Reese. He seems to make a habit of tearing you apart. I love you so much. I will never hurt you.” Then he hugged me tight, “never,” he said. “I will treat you like the jewel you are. Tate’s loss is my gain. Reese, we are going to be so happy together. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”

  I didn’t say anything, I just allowed him to hug me. The sad part was I knew John loved me. I knew what he said was true, but I also knew he had manipulated my life to have his way. I was truly distraught at the thought that the turn of events with Tate and me were by John’s hand because of his selfishness.

  “Are you ready to get out of here now Reese? We’ll go back to my place.”

  “Um, I think I should go to the hotel and see the girls, okay? I have kind of abandoned them on our vacation. At least I know Tate is tied up here at the hospital instead of at my hotel.” I was dying to talk with my friends about what I had discovered. I needed their guidance on what to do next.

  “Okay Reese. If that’s what you want. But I would rather you spend this week with me, so when you’re ready, I’ll come back and get you.” John did not
want me to be without him. I’m sure he was hoping I wouldn’t run into Tate again at all.

  ohn drove me to the hotel. I could tell he was down since I wasn’t going home with him. As soon as we pulled up, he quickly jumped off and pulled me with him. “Reese, are you sure you’re okay? I know it was hard to see Tate today, and especially under such difficult circumstances.” He said with his hands entwined with mine.

  “Is that what you think John? Yes, it was quite emotional. The truth is I’m not sure my heart will ever be whole again.” I stared right in his eyes. “I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true. However this Lauren stuff ended up happening, it changed me.”

  “No Reese.” He suddenly looked worried “You’ll get back to yourself soon, you’ll see. It’ll just take time.” Then he reached up for my face with both hands. “Come back with me. I’ll help you start getting back to your whole self again, please Reese. I need you, I don’t want to…”

  “I need some space John…from all of this. Please tell me you understand? I’m moving too fast. What little is left of my heart, can’t keep up. I’ll call you okay?” I grabbed his wrists and slowly pulled them down from my face. I was sad to even look at him right now. I should have just told him I knew, but I just wasn’t ready yet…I needed to think it through before I confronted him.

  “I love you Reese,” said John.

  “I know.” I didn’t say I love you back. I did love him, but right now, after learning all he did, I couldn’t dare say it. He looked at me with pain in his eyes, obviously noticing I didn’t say it back. “Goodbye John. I’ll call you,” and I took off quickly into the hotel. I could sense him standing there staring after me. I know he had to be a little confused and a lot afraid that I was slipping through his fingers. I had to get in and talk with my friends. I had to figure out what to do now.