by J H Cardwell
“John, something happened alright. Something happened last summer.” He looked confused. Then a smile swept across his face.
“Of course it did, I fell in love with you. I decided then and there that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” John started inching closer to me.
I backed up. “You call it love, I call it desperate infatuation…I still don’t get it either, you could have anyone. You’re gorgeous John, charming, and of course rich. Why were you fixated on…me?” This time I stepped closer to him as well, not letting him answer yet. “You decided to run my life, and interfere with my future, didn’t you? I heard you John. I heard what you did by getting Lauren involved. You were hoping you would be rid of Tate, and I would be free to take. Did you even care how much I would get hurt John? Because I HAVE! My heart was ripped out and trampled on! In fact, I told you, you may think you love me, but I don’t have a big enough heart to really love you back. It was stolen from me. You destroyed it when you manipulated my life.” I was crying now, and talking between sobs. His expression quickly became one of devastation. His blue eyes were full of pain and fear.
“Reese, what…what are you talking about? I love you…I love you so much! I would do anything, anything for you. I need you to be my future. You know that. I…”
“You what John…you would jeopardize everything to get me? I’m not worth it, and neither are you. I fell into your trap…I became so intimate with you. It was all a lie. A few more seconds here and there, and you would have had all of me John…”
“The hell he would have…” my body froze. Oh my, Tate!
“Tate,” I was breathless. “Please, just leave. I can handle this. I don’t want you to fight with John…please!” I was begging Tate with my eyes, my voice was shaking.
“Reese, he knows what he’s done. He knows what he deserves.” Tate seethed every word he spoke. “I can’t look at him without knowing where his mouth has been, and his hands. Oh God…” Tate was beside himself. I know he was picturing John and me making out…probably right here on this yacht.
“Reese,” John said “I love you more than my life. I can make you happy. I didn’t know of any other way for you to leave Tate. He isn’t what you need. Please tell me you know that by now. I might have asked Lauren to help me out, but she already wanted him, and he wasn’t altogether truthful either. He didn’t even tell you he was being scouted.” This was true, but Tate had said it was all because he was afraid it would make me upset if I knew, and he wasn’t sure it was even what he wanted. My breathing was erratic, my heartbeat racing. I was so worried about what might happen in the next few minutes.
“Do you hear him Reese? We had an amazing life and he came along with the intent to screw it up. He wants you, of course he does. You’re beautiful, kind and smart. But you were mine Reese. I wanted you to be mine forever. He decided it was his fate to change that. Maybe I can’t compete with his money Reese. I never thought that mattered to you. I get it if that’s what this is about. But…Ahhh! Reese, why did you do all of those things with him? Lauren tried to kiss me, and I always turned away or pushed her off. You nearly had sex with him.” Tate was hurt and furious. “I should kill you.” He said looking at John with hatred in his eyes as he took a step closer.
I stepped in between them both. “Stop it both of you…Please.” I looked at Tate, “after what happened with Carter, I can’t believe you’re doing this?” I said, begging Tate with my fearful eyes locked on his.
“This is different Reese. He changed the course of our relationship…of us! How can you protect him? Do you love him Reese? Is that why?” He was red in the face…I think he was beside himself with questions.
I didn’t answer right away, and Tate threw his hands in the air. John never took his eyes from me. I wanted to be out of here, away from this drama. “Tate, I love you more. I’m furious with John for trying to run my life…he is important to me. But I love you! I’ve missed you!” I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Deep down, Tate was my soul mate. I knew it. But he was hurt and pissed now.
There was a long, aching pause. “Reese, you just answered my question. I love you so much, but I would have to have all of you.” Turning to John he said, “I guess you get her man…Ahhh” He hollered in the air. “I guess I’m the stupid one. I fell in love with you, heart and soul. I should have known someone like you Reese, someone smart and beautiful, was not my type. I need someone who doesn’t draw the attention of every guy in the room. You were too much for me. I knew it, but I loved you to the ends of the earth. I may never love like that again, but at least I can say I have.” His words were breaking my heart. “The thought of you with him,” he was staring at John, “it makes me SICK,” he seethed, “but it also breaks my heart. I’m…I’m out of here.”
I froze in place for a few moments. Then when Tate was gone, John walked over to me. “Reese, I’m truly sorry. I didn’t know you heard Lauren and me. I let it get out of control, I did. I just wanted you so badly. I knew we could be amazing together. You didn’t care about my money, and I love you…really love you. Please, forgive me. I’m sorry you hurt so much, but I knew you would get over him. Especially, once I had a chance to show you the world, and take care of you.” John was begging me.
“John, I have so many things to say to you right now. For one, you totally betrayed me, even more than Tate. You deliberately and thoughtlessly found ways to make me change my course. You made me believe things that were false. I started to fall for you.” His eyes widened and his breathing sped up. “You were so good to me…at least I thought you were. But, anyone who can watch me suffering and not help doesn’t ultimately have my best interests. I…I’m done with you both. I want to be alone, on my own for a while. I’m in school anyhow, I need my own identity. John, you know no relationship can be built on lies. I really thought you were genuine.” His eyes were full of tears. “But I guess you were too busy manipulating Elle and me, and Lauren for that matter, to be genuine. Goodbye John.” I turned around and was leaving. John hollered my name.
“Reese, please give me another chance. I love you and I need you. You are all I ever wanted. I was just hoping you would have seen it on your own, but you wouldn’t even try while Tate was in the picture. I’m sorry for how I handled everything. I guess I’m a little spoiled, but it was for both of us.” He was begging again. Coming up behind me he put his arms around my waist. I flinched, but he started to kiss my neck. I almost turned to him, he felt and smelled so good. But in the end, I held strong and kept facing the opposite direction.
“John, I need you to move on.” I slipped the ring off, placing it in his hands. He gasped and let out a painful, mournful moan. I took off quickly. There was no way I was looking back…surprisingly he didn’t chase me either.
I didn’t want Mr. Kline to take me to the hotel. He was most likely confused when I walked right past the big, black town car. I walked to the boardwalk and summoned a cab. I was actually relieved to be handling my transportation on my own. Part of me felt light to be on my own totally, no Tate and no John. I was sad, but there was a small part of me that was completely and utterly inspired. I tried not to overthink all that had happened on my drive to the hotel. I would move on, single. I needed this. I needed to have my own identity, no guys at all. A sudden thought flashed in my head. I had tried this last summer when I had broken up with Tate. John had come in to the picture entirely unexpected then. Could I manage to keep away from guys completely, I wondered? But, I was willing to try. I needed to know that I could survive on my own without one.
I filled my friends in on what had transpired. They were proud of me. They understood my need to make a clean break. Although never telling me who they thought I should have chosen, I guess in the long run I was thankful for that. It hurt…it hurt like hell. I kept imagining Tate and John both with someone that made them happy, and of course in my images, it wasn’t me. Who would be their everything? Who would hold their hand, gingerly kiss their lip
s, breathe warm, soft strokes on their necks. Ahhh! I couldn’t think about it. I just knew without a shadow of a doubt, whoever it was would be damn lucky.
I was determined to enjoy the rest of my trip, and find a way to actually be single for a while. I hadn’t really done that since early in high school. This should be interesting. I called my parents and filled them in on what was happening with me. Sometimes I hesitated though, thinking back to every time I updated my mom about Tate and me, Carter’s mom, Lisa always found out. Facebook could be too telling, and she still had some contact with my mom, and with their circle of friends. Ugh! I really can’t worry about anyone with Tate. It wouldn’t be fair to me or to him to think about who he might be with eventually. I was secretly praying baseball would be fulfilling enough for his life right now. I was planning to make school enough for me…at least I was praying that would fill my void, and my aching heart.
I filled my mom and dad in on the past few days. They were going to send a care package to George, Tate’s Dad, at the hospital. My dad was actually encouraging me to stay single for a while and enjoy being a college student. My mom, on the other hand, always the romantic, said I should forgive Tate, and pray he forgives me as well. She still thinks we will be in each other’s futures. I know sometimes parents have a sixth sense for their children, but I’m thinking this time hers is way off.
As I was on the phone, finally spending a few moments sitting on my bed, in my hotel suite, I heard the girls whooping and hollering from out on the balcony. Hanging up, I walked to where they were. It turns out there was a poolside (visible from our room) competition going on. A men’s muscle contest. It was actually a pointless, ridiculous, stereotypical contest…and a much needed distraction! I wrapped my feelings up and stuffed them down deep, as deep as I could shove them. Then I leaned over the balcony, raising up my screams just like my best friends. Elle handed me a drink, and hugged me. Getting sideways smiles from Chloe and Maura, I knew I would be okay. Life wasn’t going to be a walk in the park for a while, but right now…it was dang good to jump around in.
everal months had passed. Life was very different now. I really was living like a college student finally. I took special effort to make a few new friends, and hang out with Elle a lot more. It was hard with Finn though. When I looked at him, sometimes I saw Tate. He was a little lost too. Tate had gotten the rookie position for the Padres, just as expected, despite his angry sever from Lauren. Her dad didn’t seem to care either way. He was just glad to have Tate making headlines for the team: although, he wouldn’t officially start with the Padres until their next season. He was finishing out this season for Wake Forest, but having to fly back and forth to California for practice, meetings, and interviews. He was rocking it out too in the news for being a natural at batting. There was more media at Wake Forest now that he was the chosen rookie. I’m sure it was good publicity for our school. I felt my heart swell every time someone talked about how far he would go. I missed him…incredibly bad. He had texted a few times, but never anything too personal. I too had given him a few ‘congrats’ here and there, but I never let him in on me…much less my feelings. Most of my heart belonged to Tate. It would for a long, long time to come. If I was ever able to move on to another relationship, I would have to ask Tate for my heart back. He would have to relinquish the rights, because deep down I knew he owned them. I was sure Finn was filling him in a little on me here and there, just like Finn was telling Elle what was happening with Tate.
So far, there didn’t seem to be a girl floating to the surface in Tate’s life. I would think being in the media spotlight right now, if it were the case, the world would know about it.
The other part of my heart had been on loan to John. He was still paying interest to me, it seemed. He was relentless at first after I gave him his ring back. He would text and call, and even stop by several times. It was harder in a way to see him. I still loved him, but my heart had developed a hard bitterness from his blatant manipulation. He knew it too. I have never seen a man so bent on apologizing every time he was near. He tells me he thinks I’ll eventually forgive him, and he’s waiting for the day to scoop me up and prove he can be worthy of my love.
I wasn’t sure what the future held, but I knew one day, God willing, I would be married with children. At least that had always been my long term goal. I felt like by the time I was ‘fixed’ from these relationships (John and Tate) they would have moved on. I couldn’t imagine who the next poor guy would be to have to put up with me, and to fill their shoes. I really couldn’t think about it.
I was back to phone conversations with my counselor, and after all these years, finally on a first name basis too. Stella, my Christian Counselor from back home, and my counselor since I was date raped some time ago now, was still eager to help guide me. I truly needed it too. She suggested a summer job to keep my mind full and focused while I didn’t have as many credits during those long months. So that’s exactly what I did.
I got a job at the local pregnancy crisis clinic as get this, a part-time rape counselor. Well actually, her assistant, but she let me handle a lot on my own. It was tough, very tough, but also very rewarding. I had been there. The feelings one has about being used, abused, dirty, unworthy, and guilty were still fresh on my heart….fresh enough to know these girl’s thoughts and desires were to get past this time in their life. I spent hours talking, praying, and listening…mostly listening. I never knew I had that level of patience. It was a turning point for me actually. I revisited my career counselor and worked on my class schedule so I could earn a PhD in Psychology/Counseling. In the end, I changed my major in order to achieve this goal. It felt exhilarating. Not only to know I wouldn’t be in school quite as long, but to know that I would be passionate about my career choice for a lifetime. I could see myself writing self-help books one day too. The possibilities suddenly seemed endless. The only difference was that my future was so very different than it would have been just a year ago.
I was basically making it on my own though. That in itself was a reward for all of the turmoil I had been through. However, I was still lonely. Still craving something deep down, feeling that void I had so desperately tried to shove school, friends, and work in…the void of true love. I was a romantic after all, just like my mom. I needed that type of love to be whole and inspired. I had avoided all guys from a personal level since April. It was now nearly Winter Break. I wouldn’t even be in a study group that had an attractive, nice, guy in it. It was silly I know, but I was fragile, and vulnerable, and I didn’t ever want a repeat of this past year and a half. Anyway…
I was going home for Christmas. That would be a given. So were Elle and Finn, and Maura and Chloe too. I absolutely couldn’t wait. Christmas had always been my favorite time of the year. I loved the shopping, baking, movies…I repeat, I loved the movies about Christmas. I loved the traditional ones, like White Christmas, and Miracle on 34th Street, but I also loved the new Hallmark movies too. Those were like books I had read so many times. Of course, they were always about a love story. That would certainly be hard this year. It’s scary how many times I can think of and use the word love…ugh!
My mom had asked me to help her with fudge and cookies when I got home the week before Christmas (tomorrow). She always wrapped the goodies up in pretty little tins and took them to our elderly neighbors. I enjoyed that too. Some of them no longer had families, so the two of us ringing the doorbell may be the only visitors they got during the holidays. It was sad really…I wanted a large family, with lots of children to be there when I got old. I couldn’t stand the thought of being lonely…ever.
Elle and I met up with Maura and Chloe at the local coffee shop the first morning back. It was wonderful to see them again. I had missed them SO much. We laughed and shared stories about school, and work. It was like old times. I had missed them so terribly bad.
Time quickly got away from us. As we were saying our goodbyes with plans to meet together the same evening for dinner a
nd wine, my attention was caught by the flash of the glass mixing with the sun when the front door opened. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t swallow. I was elbowed immediately by Chloe, and Maura cleared her throat. I froze. At first he didn’t’ see me, but as he was pulling down his sunglasses, his eyes caught mine. I saw his breathing stop as well. Time seemed to stand still. Tate. My gorgeous Tate was standing twenty feet from me. I wasn’t sure what to do. Luckily, I didn’t have to decide, he was walking toward me. All at once the girls, my friends, said their quick goodbyes leaving me all alone to handle…this.
“Reese,” he said breathless, never taking his eyes from mine. “I…I wondered if I would see you in town.” I know I had to be staring. I realized my mouth was slightly hanging open. There was an electricity between us and a definite complete pause. “You look beautiful,” he leaned in and gave me hug. My chest pressed up against his. Those all too familiar strong arms were around my waist. And oh God, his scent…the scent that hadn’t teased my senses in half a year. Had it really been that long? Why did he feel so comfortable, familiar, like home? Ahhh. I suddenly felt homesick.
{Tate}
I couldn’t believe I was seeing her. My heart just skipped a beat, several actually. She is just as gorgeous as I remembered. Had it really been so long? Too long. I don’t know how my feet moved, I was utterly frozen just a second ago, but my body was like a magnet to hers. There was a string pulling us together. I didn’t mean to hug her at first. I knew it was a mistake the second I did it. Her body was oh so familiar. She is still so damn hot! And, I couldn’t breathe in deep enough to fill my senses with her sweet, sweet smell. God, how have I survived this long without her? I wasn’t sure how it was going to happen, but this woman was, no HAS, to be mine again. I need her…love her…want her. Her eyes, her beautiful green, soulful eyes, they were even more intense than I remembered. Her lips, her lips, oh God, she just licked her bottom lip. What I would do to get to kiss those, even just once more. Shit! I couldn’t think like this.