Their mutual pain was obvious. Tessa didn't know how to make him feel better. She didn't know if she wanted to feel better or if she even deserved to feel better. The silence between them was richer than if they'd spoken. She hoped he could feel her regret even though she didn't say it.
She stepped forward, as if to step closer to him and bridge the distance between them. She spoke quickly. “Excuse me.” And she went in search of Nathan. The last thing she needed was to fall for JJ when there was nothing left to catch her.
Chapter 12
JJ
JJ closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t move. He stood there facing the back of the bar while he gathered his emotions under control.
How was she still capable of being so frustrating and so appealing all at once?
He hadn’t realized he was still so mad at her, but that didn't mean he was ready to leave. He didn't want to leave, so for the first time in a long time he actually felt welcome even though they were fighting.
What were they fighting about?
There was too much under the bridge between them. He had to figure out what to do with her. He went further into the area behind the counter and checked the register as well as checked the inventory sheet.
When he’d told her about the bar needed to be opened, he hadn’t necessarily meant she had to do it. Regardless, he was glad to see she was interested in continuing with the business. Would she eventually just quit and give it all away? Jillian would’ve loved to see Tessa take over her company. Unfortunately, she would never get the chance to see her.
Tessa past by him with Nathan and JJ tried to catch a glimpse of the boy. He wanted to see his son, more than Tessa knew, more than JJ was comfortable with. He didn't want her to know how much he wanted Nathan to be in his life. JJ didn't know how the game was played, but he would fight for a chance to see more of his son. He had to. It was the closest he would ever be Tessa and the family he almost had seven years ago.
Nathan and Tessa went into the back room where the new storage room was beside the bathrooms. JJ had expected Tessa to head toward the apartment.
He had to talk to her. They had to find a way to figure things out. When Jillian had been alive, she’d worked the three nights the bartender didn’t and JJ hadn’t needed to work. She’d enjoyed it too much.
But, now, with Tessa back and taking over, they’d have to figure things out. If she’d be working, then she would need help with Nathan. Bar that, they would need to figure out what she was comfortable doing and what he would need to hire out.
If nothing else, they would have to be able to get along well enough they could run the bar together, if she was serious about continuing on. He had to ask her again, if that's what she really meant to do, because it certainly wasn't expected.
He stepped gingerly back to the doorway leading to the room they’d stopped in. He didn't want to interrupt anything.
Tessa’s voice carried the short distance around the corner as she spoke to the boy. “I love you, Nathan. I’m worried and I don't want you to see what this is going to be like in here. It's not going to be fun. I won't get to talk to you and we won't get to watch TV like you want to. Do you understand?” Nathan didn't say anything audible at least from where JJ stood.
The sound of Tessa’s voice about broke his heart. She had smothered her tears and JJ could hear it.
“I'll figure out what I'm going to do, okay? I'll figure it out. I won't leave you here by yourself.” She had strength in her voice that was new. What had she gone through to find that kind of strength?
JJ didn't want to interrupt. He was taken aback by how much she loved the boy. It was surprising since she hadn’t loved JJ enough to stay. She hadn’t loved him enough to be with him, but she loved JJ enough to keep his boy safe and take good care of him.
If nothing else, that was a lot and it showed JJ that he wasn't in the wrong for loving her. Even now.
Their lost opportunities made him sad for what they could've had and what they threw away. Somehow, he would have to figure out a way to convince her to let him have at least the boy in his life. Anything else just hurt too much, anything less could potentially kill him.
He didn't want to go home, but he didn't want to stick around at the bar either. Where could he go? The town was so small. If he saw anyone, they would know something was wrong with him.
Leaving Refill, JJ closed the door softly behind him. He didn’t want to startle Tessa in the back room. She didn’t need to worry about customers already coming in when she wasn’t ready yet. He would text the cook that they’d be open that night. He should’ve asked what they were offering when they opened. Tessa hadn’t even been trained on the register or on the ordering system yet. She would be frustrated and JJ didn’t want that.
Even knowing all that, JJ didn’t want to go home or go back to the bar.
Walking down the main thoroughfare, he took it slow, ambling along with his hands in his pockets. A lot of people had shown up for the funeral, and JJ had been worried Tessa would be overwhelmed. He hadn’t thought about what she would do when she saw the body.
Her outburst scared JJ. What would Nathan think? Celeste hadn’t mentioned anything during the funeral or even immediately afterward when she kissed him and went back to her place.
On the corner, two blocks from his place, he passed Two Cups, the bakery that specialized in cupcakes. Maybe what he needed was to binge on some cupcakes. They were the best in town – heck, in Texas – and he wouldn’t go wrong with anything he picked out. The sugar was more than he wanted to deal with at the moment, though. But he would love to take Nathan there at some point.
The Millers stood on the sidewalk by The Stable. They waved at him and the husband pointed into the bar. The Stable was a great place to go for dancing and drinking, even family meals until nine at night. When JJ had partnered with Jillian he’d recommended taking her bar and updating its brand. He’d talked her into changing it from just a watering dive to a sports bar. The Stable was well known for its fries and live bands but not everyone liked dancing.
With more options in town, business had gone up for both places and Jillian had been so happy. JJ hadn’t been upset either.
JJ crossed the street before his path took him by the Millers. Normally he would enjoy talking with anyone from his town, but not that afternoon. Not when he didn't know what was going on in his head.
And maybe they understood. Maybe everyone knew he wasn't ready to be approached yet. Everybody knew how much Jillian had come to mean to him and how much her loss has affected him.
One thing about small towns he liked was that everybody watched out for each other even as they gossiped about one another. He appreciated each facet and didn’t care if people talked about him. Talking was how JJ got his information. If no one gossiped, then he’d never know anything.
He'd grown up in Bride. He knew all the history and all the things Nancy Redd had told him to get together in his head. He knew what was expected. And he knew what could be lost. But he wasn't ready to lay it all on the line and go after something he wasn't sure he'd ever had.
JJ couldn’t understand why he wasn’t at his place curled up with Celeste, planning their wedding and life together. Tessa didn’t want him. She had her son... his son... and that seemed to be enough.
Somehow, though, his footsteps carried him toward the fountain.
Even though he should be home.
Even though he didn’t have time for the myths and legends to apply to his life.
While he wasn't prepared to dance around in the fountain naked or whatever the myth was, he certainly could stand to sit by it and try to soak in some of the energy.
The small park area was the center of Bride’s existence. A bronze statue claimed the center by a natural spring fountain. A look of longing and determination had been artfully etched into the statue’s features.
JJ wasn’t sure if the statue was what the real Ellora looked like. Her
wedding dress looked as if it was pressed against the front of her legs as the wind blew against her. Long tendrils of her hair flew out around her shoulders as she gazed off into the distance, looking for her long lost soul mate.
Did JJ believe in soul mates? Did he believe in the happily-ever-after phenomenon?
Not for himself.
He slumped onto the restored bench which had been redone to look as much like the original as possible. Stretching his arm along the back, JJ shook his head while tucking his chin to his chest. What was he doing? What was wrong with him?
Since Tessa had left, he’d avoided The Fountain like the plague. He'd been there a few times with Tessa when they were together and happy and making plans. They'd been on that exact bench when he'd said ‘marry me’. JJ hadn't waited. He hadn't hesitated. He hadn't done anything except blurt the words he’d been dying to say in his heart and in his mind.
She was the only thing he ever wanted. She’d been the only thing he'd never been able to have.
A soft breeze moved the grass blades around his feet. Soft tinkling sounds of water splashing into the fountain filled the air around him, as if mocking his pain with peace. Why couldn’t he have that? He’d been empty for so long, he wasn’t sure what he was feeling anymore.
Tessa had abandoned him. Not for the first time, JJ wondered how anyone could do that to someone they said they loved. She’d just left him. How was she able to do that when they loved each other so much?
He just wanted to make her happy and be happy with her. She’d left, ripping his heart out in the process and she’d never looked back.
He rubbed his finger on the indent of Ellora’s name on the bench and murmured, “We’re a lot alike, Ellora. We both suffered great loss.” JJ wouldn’t wish his experience on anyone. Even with his insides ravaged and raw, JJ couldn’t believe he had it worse than Ellora. She’d been a woman alone in a time when women weren’t allowed to do much of anything without their husband’s permission.
She’d thrived and flourished.
If she could, even facing insurmountable odds, then JJ could suck it up. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but he was sure he’d survive. Even with an empty heart and a fake smile.
The sun set, splashing the Texas sky with oranges, pinks, and lavenders. JJ sat there long enough to witness an owl hooting off in the distance. He blinked, unsure of the time and unwilling to seek out the clock on the front of City Hall just down the street.
Tessa would’ve opened the bar by now and he didn’t want to go in and check on her. He didn’t want to make her think he was checking on her. At the same time though, he didn’t want to abandon her.
Dang that woman. He just wanted to help her. She didn’t have to be so obstinate.
JJ might as well go home. Celeste was probably waiting for him with her red hair and her green eyes. Everything that was nothing like Tessa.
Celeste would kiss him and work so hard to make him feel good and he would feel worse because she wasn't the one he wanted. She was perfect, but she wasn’t perfect for him and he was taking some of the best years of her life from her.
Trudging home, JJ climbed the stairs. He opened the door softly on the off chance that Celeste would be sleeping. She had her own place, but they had an unspoken agreement that she would stay with him as much as possible.
He tread quietly through the apartment, peeking into each room he came to. There was a small lamp on in the living room, but no sigh of Celeste. Ducking into the bedroom, JJ released a pent up breath at the sight of Celeste’s form lying on her side in the bed. No lights were on and the slow, steady rise and fall of her chest as she breathed assured him she slept.
JJ was ashamed to admit that he was relieved. The entire day had been filled with too much emotional ups and downs – more downs than ups – and JJ didn’t know if he could face questions filled with expectations.
He cared for Celeste but she wasn't the one he was meant to be with and that made him sad for both of them. He could never be with the one he wanted and Celeste was wasting her time with him.
How sobering to realize he was a waste of time. Maybe Tessa felt the same way.
He grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at the counter of the living room. He just stared. He would probably stare at nothing the rest of the night. His thoughts were composed of Tessa, just how much he had missed out on, and how much she taken away.
Surprisingly, not for a minute, could JJ make himself hate her. He found that knowing all that, he still loved her.
And that was the most painful thing to acknowledge.
He put his cup of coffee down on the counter and sank his head into his hands. His whisper to himself didn’t make him feel any better. “You’re doomed to this, Jeremiah. Doomed.”
Chapter 13
Tessa
Reaching up to rub out the soreness in her shoulder and neck, Tessa grinned at the old cracked coffee pot sitting in the coffee maker. The bubbling and hissing promised some black liquid soon and Tessa leaned her hip against the counter.
Hopefully, she didn’t fall into a boring routine with the bar and grill. The night before had been exhilarating as she’d realized the bar was hers – okay, half hers, but hers nonetheless. She didn’t have to answer to a manager or anyone else for that matter.
The cook had shown up an hour before she opened the doors. Toby or Tommy? Tessa couldn’t remember. He’d been soft spoken but an extremely hard worker. She’d ordered some fries and a burger for Nathan and they were actually really good. When she’d thanked him, he’d blushed and scraped a metal spatula across the grill. He’d mumbled something about The Stable’s were better and waved her on.
Nothing could ruin her night, though. The ordering system was fairly basic and the register even easier considering her past experience in a larger town with far more advanced technologies.
Bride was stuck about thirty years in the past and Refill Bar and Grill wasn’t an exception. Tessa didn’t mind at all.
A stream of coffee drizzled into the glass pot and Tessa pushed off the counter. She’d only been supervising the maker because she wasn’t sure if it worked. Knowing it would be full in no time, she ran to grab a quick shower before waking Nathan up.
He’d managed to stay up until almost eleven the night before, falling asleep on the booth seat she’d let him sit at all night. He’d blissfully colored and watched cartoons with fries and a shake until he’d passed out.
Seating the other patrons closer to the front of the restaurant or outside was easy considering the warm weather and the slow arrival of people. They probably weren’t expecting Refill to be open just yet. Even so, she’d thanked more than seventy-five percent of the customers for their condolences on Jillian’s passing. More than she’d expected.
She wasn't sure what it was but Tessa felt like she could hold onto a piece of Jillian while she worked in the bar. The image of her mother lying in that coffin wasn’t one that she’d ever get out of her head, but working behind the bar with the occasional sniff of a familiar scent, gave Tessa peace of mind.
Seeking peace in her life had become a mission. As long as she could feel the smallest amount of her mother, she didn’t see herself ever wanting to leave.
Before going in and waking Nathan, Tessa stopped for a second. She couldn’t believe everything she’d been able to do the night before at the bar. She’d slid into the new role without missing a beat, as if she’d been meant to work there all that time.
Everything had worked out okay the night before. She hadn’t been able to shake the feeling since she’d gotten upstairs from work that she needed to kneel down in prayer and let her mom know how sorry she was for making the accusations against Jillian that she had. She’d accused her of not being a good mom, of not trying.
Looking back, that’s all Jillian had ever done. Tried. She’d done so much for Tessa and Tessa was a spoiled brat. She’d never just been grateful. All Jillian had tried to do was pay the bills. As a single mom, things
couldn’t have been harder.
Tessa was the worst kind of person for expecting better from her mom when her mom had done the very best that she could. Now that Tessa was doing the very best she could but she still felt like a failure. She couldn’t imagine how her mom had felt with her daughter telling her she wasn’t enough.
Blinking back tears at the thought that she’d caused her mom more pain than she’d already been in, Tessa ducked into the bathroom to make sure she was fairly presentable. She didn’t need makeup just to run to the store. In fact, her hair was up in a loose ponytail. Even though she’d taken a shower, the shadows of last night’s eyeliner and smudged mascara hadn’t come completely off. She didn’t care enough about what people thought to get all dolled up to the nines just to load up on cereal and milk.
Overall, though, Tessa was learning that all she could do was her best for Nathan. Most importantly, she had to stop being so hard on herself and her mom. She just hoped her mom could forgive her, where ever she was.
She tapped on the door to his room and poked her head inside. Smiling brightly, as if she hadn’t just been about to cry her eyes out in the bathroom – how embarrassing, Tessa murmured, “Nathan, are you going to wake up?”
He rolled over, rubbing his eyes. “I’m up.” He yawned and threw the Rainbow Brite blanket off him.
“Let’s go to the store this morning and see if we can get you something different for this room.” She said it nonchalantly but the look of excitement Nathan shot his mom said it didn’t get by him.
“Really? Do we have money?” He stood from bed. The sight of his too-short pajama pants twisted in her heart.
She nodded. “Yeah, get ready and let’s go.” She closed the door, blinking and looking up. Oh, if it was the last thing she did, she was going to give Nathan everything he needed. She might not be enough, but she could certainly make up to him the fact that he had a mother like her.
Patting the pocket of her jeans, Tessa grinned at the slight bulge. She’d made a lot of money in tips at the bar, even with the slower numbers that the cook had reported to her. He’d reassured her that the slow night wasn’t normal.
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