Tessa bit her lip, and slid into their abandoned pew. Since when did Bride have people that pretty? Rolling her eyes at herself, Tessa refused to allow her heart to react. So what if he’d moved on? What did she think was going to happen? That he was going to wait forever for her to come back when she’d abandoned him?
Come on, girl. You’re not stupid. Suck it up. She blinked back more tears and set her jaw. She could face all of this – the death of her mother, the loss of her security back in Austin, the loss of her job and home, the impending return to a life she’d tried to escape, and... JJ. She could even survive this.
The death of hope was a lot harder than she’d thought possible.
Unable to stop peeking at the back of JJ’s head and the redhead, Tessa tensed every time the woman leaned toward JJ or smiled up at him. Maybe a seat in the back hadn’t been the smartest move she’d made that day.
The woman leaned up and kissed JJ’s cheek and Tessa narrowed her eyes. She glanced to the side, catching Nancy Redd studying Tessa as well. Heat warming her cheeks, Tessa looked to her lap. Great. Just great! She’d been caught staring at her ex like a forlorn jealous woman. What was wrong with her?
Her tears were her fault. How could she think they would ride off into the sunset as a happy family? There was too much water under the bridge for JJ and Tessa to move on. Too much to forgive. She’d done him wrong and that was that. Time to accept the consequences. She’d have to put all that longing behind her.
She wasn't stupid. The presence of the redhead meant he had moved on. If nothing else, Tessa could at least hope he would ignore the option he had of going after partial or full custody of Nathan in a legal battle she couldn’t afford. She wasn’t sure why she was scared after all this time, but it made it more difficult to trust the situation when she didn’t have all the facts – like the woman.
And, he hadn’t known Nathan then. Her son was amazing and now that JJ had an inkling of it, he would see that he wanted the little boy in his life.
Tessa took a steadying breath and clenched and unclenched her hands in her lap. Okay, it was okay. He didn't have to stay single. That wasn't what this was about. It was about her mom, and the fact that she was at her mom's funeral.
It didn't matter how much she tried to convince herself though, she still wanted to have the possibility in her mind that JJ was still an option. She had a small taste of what it would be like to be a family and she suddenly didn’t think it was fair that there was another woman in her spot.
She thrust her jaw to the side and pasted a smile on her face. Even if no one saw it, she could still pretend to be carefree.
Maybe JJ had never cared for her. If he had, would he have been able to replace her like that? Her acknowledged hopes that maybe they could try again disappeared.
Finally, she felt like an adult – one who wasn’t running from the consequences of her mistakes. If she held steady, she could survive the trials. She could do it. She survived having a child on her own and all the fear and insecurities of that.
She could do what she needed to.
JJ was showing her, quite clearly that he had moved on. Come on, he brought his girlfriend or wife or whatever she was to Tessa’s mom's funeral. If that wasn't “moved on” Tessa didn't know what was. He would never be able to forgive her.
All she had to do was get through the funeral. She could do that. It shouldn't be hard right?
Chapter 11
Tessa
Tessa avoided running into JJ at the end of the funeral by slipping out while the last chords of the final hymn played. Its melancholic notes tugged at her insides.
She and Nathan hustled back to the bar and the apartment above it. She only had a few hours until opening and she had to somehow figure out what she was supposed to do with her son.
While they were rushing back, Nathan pulled off his tie and gripped it in his hands. He shot nervous glances up at her as he half-walked, half-ran beside her. “Mom?” He gasped. “Is someone after us?” He peeked over his shoulder and then back at her. “Are we in trouble?”
Tessa forced herself to slow down and shake her head. Even though she felt like the hounds of Hell were after her, she didn’t need to worry Nathan like she was. “No, hon, I’m just super excited for tonight and the first time in the restaurant. Mommy gets to work as the boss and the waitress.” He wouldn’t understand the difference between bartender and waitress. No reason to confuse him at this point. “I need to figure out what you’ll be doing while I’m working.”
Maybe there was something she could set up downstairs. Or maybe she could... She didn't know what to do.
And she was panicking. Finally, she stopped her mad dash toward the only home they had and she looked down into his concerned gaze. “I'm really worried about what I'm going to do with you. Mommy has to work and I don't want to just leave you here by yourself, you know? I don’t want you to deal with what I had did when I was growing up.”
Biting his lip, Nathan looked toward Refill and then back at her. He shrugged. “Why can't I just go with you? It shouldn't be that big of a deal, right? Didn't you do that? Don’t you own the place?” He looked at her again his eyes big and questioning. It seemed like such a simple answer. But he didn't know what went on in bars. He didn't know that it wasn't really safe for him. Her son shouldn’t be exposed to that type of environment at such a young age.
Unfortunately, she might be forced to and she didn’t want to face that option just yet.
“You know, that's what my mom did with me. I swore I would never do that with you, because it wasn't fun and it wasn't safe. I didn't want to have you ever see me tending bar like that. Do you understand?” She couldn’t explain her need for him to understand that she was trying to do better by him... but maybe she was just trying to justify herself.
He tugged on her hand. “We don't even know what it looks like, Mom, let's go in and check it out. Maybe Grandma set something up to make it easier for you.” He wiggled his eyebrows and showed a slight dimple as he tried reassuring his mom.
Sometimes he acted more like the adult than Tessa which made her feel bad. It wasn't his fault his mom had made bad choices.
He was not a bad choice, but it still wasn't his fault that she couldn’t get her life back on track. She nodded tightly, and smiled. “Okay, we can go check it out.” Maybe by then, she would have something figured out.
Maybe, maybe not.
They skipped going into the apartment upstairs and walked into the bar from the backdoor.
Tessa pushed the door open and stopped, taking in the brightness of the room. When had that changed? The insides had always been so dark and dungeon-like. Why was she surprised? The outside of the restaurant was new and refreshing, so why was she surprised that it was open and fun inside?
Where the bar used to be, spanning the entire restaurant with its bulky darkness, there was a long counter that had desserts and a display of the “drink of the day”.
Alcohol was still lined up on shelves in front of a long mirror, but in a classier, more discrete manner. The interior of the restaurant was no longer covered in neon light signs or alcohol metal banners. Replacing the overt alcohol epidemic of Jillian’s original design was white wainscoting with carefully placed images of Texan landscapes in various times of day. Lovely sunsets and bright river scenes had been placed all over with a main print about thirty-six inches tall and twenty-four inches wide of Ellora’s statue – The Bride – from the center of town.
Tessa glanced around wide-eyed. She let go of Nathan's hand as he pulled towards the big-screen TVs that manned the far wall. His excitement made her smile. “Hey, Mom! Maybe I can watch Paw Patrol. Then you can work while I'm doing that.” He turned and smiled hopefully. He hadn't seen his favorite shows in a while. It wasn’t hard to see he was having withdrawals. She didn’t miss the talking dogs and their crazy songs, but he did.
She was so confused with everything that was acceptable and everything that wasn't. Her s
ituation had changed and she wasn’t sure what was doable and what she would just have to accept and adjust her expectations for.
Walking around the end of the counter – she couldn’t call it a bar anymore with scones and other desserts manning the glass display. The building was classier, more open, less bar and more grill. But as she stood there, back behind where the cabinets were and behind the register, she closed her eyes for a second and breathed in.
Finally, she felt a rush of familiarity. It didn't matter that the building had been redone. It didn't matter that all kinds of things – including the name – had changed.
Her mom was there. In that room. Her scent was overpowering and Jillian could've been standing right next to Tessa.
Tessa covered her mouth with her hand and took a deep breath. Oh, how she missed her mom. She'd always assumed, no, she’d always taken for granted that they would have a chance to fix things. She never realized something like that could happen and her changes with her mom would be taken away from her. The loss was like a slap in the face and a kick in the gut, neither of which she was expecting or ready for.
She wiped under her eyes and turned toward the back of the restaurant to see what other changes had been made. If Jillian and, most likely JJ, were going to invest money in the aesthetics of the front of the store, they wouldn’t stop there.
Where there used to be dark storage a full kitchen took its place.
Running her fingers along the stainless steel counters, Tessa marveled at the professionalism that had been instilled in the building. The place reeked of a restaurant, of food, class, and a grill.
There was a decided lack of acrid odors like someone vomiting in the back, spilled alcohol and garnishes. Instead, fresh scents of fruits, vegetables, and pastas filled the air. The bar smelled nothing like a bar.
Why hadn’t JJ said anything? He’d expected her to make up her mind so fast, as if she could consolidate what she remembered about the place with what it had become without even seeing it. Yet why should he report to her? She’d left everything behind.
Honestly, JJ probably hoped she would sell the business to him. He had a life to get back to. She didn’t blame him one bit.
Tessa spun on her heel on the white linoleum to return to the front, flipping off the light switch and moving out of the kitchen. They weren’t open yet. No point in wasting electricity.
Coming out, she glanced up, stopping when her gaze fell on JJ.
He hadn't changed out of his suit and Tessa tried containing the heat in her cheeks when she remembered crying on his shoulder and exposing her weakness to him. He had to think she was pathetic. And she was. Compared to that gorgeous woman he’d sat by.
Thankfully, he hadn’t brought the woman with him.
Studying him, she inhaled slowly. How was it fair that he had gotten even better looking over the years they’d been apart? Dang it, he was supposed to get ugly and she was supposed to forget how much she cared about him.
Everything about Bride was getting to her and she didn’t appreciate it. Maybe he would change and become ugly if she told him. The thought made her laugh and she lifted her hand to her mouth, shaking her head.
“What? I haven’t heard your laugh... What’s so funny?” Bemused humor crinkled the skin at the corners of his eyes.
Tessa scoffed. “I don’t think it’s fair that you’re better looking than I remember. I was just considering asking you to work on being uglier.” She lifted a shoulder and the smirk left her mouth as she realized he was slowly moving toward her, his eyes shadowed and focused.
He reached up and tugged on the black veil covering her face. He moved it back, exposing her features to his gaze. “You think I’m better looking?” JJ leaned an arm past her and narrowed his gaze. “Maybe you shouldn’t be so pretty. You had a baby. You’re supposed to be fat and tired now.”
She’d forgotten their friendly banter and she’d missed it. She grinned. “Yeah, I got fat and tired, you’re just too gentlemanly to say it.” She moved her head side to side but didn’t break eye contact.
“Oh, Tessa. There’s nothing fat or tired about you.” He was the first to break the hold on her gaze and scan her form. “Trust me. You look just as good as you did then.”
Something filled her chest when he looked at her like that and she was worried he was about to kiss her. And she was worried that he wasn’t.
“Ahem.” She shifted her foot to the side, adjusting her hips which moved her further from him. He had another woman in his life. What was he doing there with her? She motioned around the bar and pressed her lips together. “I’m just getting familiar with the Grill. A lot has changed.” She avoided looking him in the eye again, afraid of that trap, but when he didn’t say anything, she lifted her gaze again to meet his. “Did you need something?”
JJ perused her features, a mix of bewilderment and anger drew his eyebrows together. “Where did you go? Did you just come here? There were people who wanted to say hello and express their condolences.” His formality suggested he was more irritated than he was even letting on.
Unwilling to let him push her around without reason, Tessa arched her eyebrow. “The funeral was ending. Why would I hang out there? I have nowhere else to go. Plus, no one in this town cares about me or where I’ve been unless it’s to add to their gossip mill. I don’t have to deal with that.” Of course, she was surly because JJ had known about the changes Jillian had made in her life and Tessa hadn’t. Not to mention, he’d never said anything about having a significant other when she’d seen him last. It didn’t matter that the topic hadn’t come up.
Why didn't she know anything? Why had she been so stupid as to leave and not fix things with her mom? How had she missed out on so much? How had she missed out on JJ? Her actions of so long ago reared before her and she scowled. If only she could go back in time and tell the younger version of herself that she was being stupid... but no. She couldn’t think like that. Regret wasn’t something she needed to cling to.
She’d made her bed and now she would lie in it.
“You said you were going to think about the bar. Did you get a chance to? Did you want to sell to me or did you want to try and work some of it yourself?” He dropped his arm and stepped back, tucking his hands into the pockets of his suit. “Can we work together? I need to know what you're thinking. I mean,” He laughed, glancing around the bar and then back to her. “It’s not like this is a marriage or anything. It’s business and it shouldn’t be tossed aside on a whim. I need to be able to make the appropriate plans.” He finished his statement, watching her with the seriousness that she taken for granted.
His jabs stung. Tessa refused to let him see how much. She folded her arms and leaned her hip against the back counter. The television was on along the back wall and the Paw Patrol theme song told her Nathan was just fine.
She squashed the nerves in her stomach. Please, say he couldn’t sense her uncertainty. “Actually, I think... if it’s not too much trouble, maybe we could try this? I don't want to ruin your flow or anything. Did you have something else in mind?” She lifted her hand and wiped the small sheen of sweat working forward on her forehead.
Saying she was nervous was an understatement. A little piece of her was mad he could still make her feel that way, even though it wasn't his fault. Nothing was his fault. He'd never done anything to deserve any of it. All he'd ever done was try to make her happy.
How could she have failed so much at being what she had promised to be? Not for the first time, disappointment struggled to drown her.
None of it mattered. He had a girlfriend. Or a wife... What if he had a wife already? What if he’d married her? The thought made her sick. She’d never allowed herself to consider the possibility.
It didn't matter. He clenched his jaw and stepped closer to her, his fingers tight at his waist. “You don't want to ruin my flow?” He blinked at her, talking through his teeth. “Are you kidding me?”
“What is that supposed to mea
n?” She had no idea what he was so mad about. He was obviously happier and moving on. Why wasn’t he thanking her for releasing him from what would have turned out the way her mom always promised it would? Seriously, a simple thank you. All that time she’d stressed out so much about what she’d done to him and he obviously hadn’t been as affected as she’d feared.
His voice was low, his words tight. “Why worry now? It would've been nice for you to worry seven years ago. Why couldn't you worry then about how I felt? Why do you have to worry now?”
Tessa lifted her chin. “Is that all you’re worried about? How I hurt your feelings?” That was it. He was upset about how his pride had been injured. She suddenly felt stupid for worrying all that time about how she had hurt him.
He stared at her, so much more passing between them than just angry words and what could have been. He glanced at the little boy who had figured out how to work the remote control and JJ jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “I think you know what I'm upset about. It has nothing to do with my feelings and has nothing to do with how worthless you made me feel. I can get over that. I can’t get over you stealing from me.”
Tessa thrust her finger at the ground and inhaled sharply. “I didn’t steal from you. I saved you. I saved you and this is all you can say? Blame me? You’re doing just fine. I promise, if I had stayed, things would’ve turned out drastically different for you. Then you would have wished I had left. When you eventually left me and... the baby, you wouldn’t be able to go back the way you were. You would blame me. Things would be ugly. I promise this is better. This way is better.” Her tone turned pleading and she whispered at the end. “JJ, trust me. You’re better off the way things turned out.”
She searched his eyes for a sign that he understood, that he forgave her.
They both fell quiet. He watched her, accusation in his eyes.
Bride and Prejudice Page 7