Mercy

by Jean Brashear

  “What’s wrong?”

  Kat shook her head. “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not.” Tansy’s blue eyes studied her and perceived too much.

  For a moment Kat hovered between confidence and collapse, her eyes stinging. “I will be.” She smiled at her sister. “Don’t worry. Nothing gets me down for long.”

  Tansy clasped her sister’s hand. “Talk to me, sweetie.”

  “No.” Kat jerked her hand away.

  Tansy regarded her too closely. “You can tell me, Kat.”

  “I don’t have to tell—” Kat almost shouted, then her voice faltered. “I’m sorry, Tansy. I’m just—” Kat broke off as Mona entered the room.

  “What is it?” Mona asked.

  Before Kat could demur, Tansy spoke, casting Kat a silent apology. “Kat’s sad.”

  Mona’s gaze narrowed. “Is it Gamble?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” Kat snapped.

  “Who’s Gamble?” Tansy asked.

  Kat stared at Mona, daring her to say more.

  Tansy’s eyes swept from one to the other. “We’re sisters…can’t we tell each other anything?”

  Kat and Mona traded glances.

  “What is it?” Tansy asked. “Don’t you trust me?”

  Mona’s face softened. “Sweetheart, it’s not that—”

  Tansy frowned. “You feel sorry for me.”

  Kat spoke quickly. “No, we’re just worried about—”

  Mona’s expression was sharp with warning.

  “I’m not weak.”

  “Of course you’re not,” Mona said too hastily.

  “You think I am, don’t you?” Hurt crossed Tansy’s features, chased by disappointment. She walked to the window and peered out. Suddenly, she stiffened and pressed one hand to the window, a small sob escaping.

  “What is it, Tansy?”

  Tansy whirled to face them. “It’s Paris. He’s waiting for me.”

  Worry subsided to sorrow. “Tansy…” Kat began, but a frown from Mona quieted her.

  Mona spoke then. “Tansy, please be careful about going to the park.”

  “I like the park. I’m safe there. Paris needs me to go there.”

  “I know, I know,” Mona said, nodding her head. “Just—be careful. Don’t trust strangers.”

  “What strangers?”

  Kat spoke up. “They’re not all princes, Tansy.”

  Tansy’s jaw jutted. “My prince is a good man.”

  “Do you see him in the park?” Mona asked abruptly.

  Tansy cocked her head and took a long time to answer. “In my dreams.” She leaned forward, intent. “He makes me feel safe. He’s good, just as Mama said. He protects me.”

  Kat spoke again. “Please…be cautious.”

  “Why are you so worried?”

  They traded glances again. “We only want you to be safe.”

  “I’m safe here. I don’t wish to go to Carlton’s.” Her face drained of color.

  “You won’t,” Mona assured. “Don’t worry about that.”

  Tansy shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. “All right. If you promise, then I won’t worry.” She walked to the door. “You can leave now.”

  “Maybe you could stay in today. It’s cold outside.”

  “Yeah,” Kat added. “The wind off the river is terrible.”

  Tansy considered both of them with something that resembled pity and smiled. “I love you both. I’ll be careful. Now, go away.”

  For an instant, Kat could almost spy the big sister hidden inside, and she grinned past all her worry. “Yeah, yeah, we’re going.” She dragged her other big sister along with her.

  Lucas moved restlessly inside his disguise, observing the two men who reeked of cop taking stock of the park. One swept the stoop of the building across the street; the other sat on a park bench, pretending to read the paper.

  He felt like an idiot, but the charade was working. Neither noticed the old lady Lucas had become with Darla’s help. Darla was on her way to Broadway to eat a meal courtesy of Lucas; she’d left some of her gear with him after he’d sworn on Tansy’s life that it would all be safe and that he would feed her squirrels.

  He had a dread that wouldn’t go away, an icy prickle at the back of his neck that had saved him more than once in jail. The sight of Sanford had only increased his foreboding.

  He had to talk to Tansy, needed to make sure she was all right, though he couldn’t be certain she’d show up today. He kept an uneasy vigil, trying not to think what might happen in his absence.

  Then he spotted her and breathed easy for the first time in hours. With effort, he remained where he was.

  But when she headed his way, he could tell something was wrong. She was conversing with Paris again, agitation trembling in her frame. He cast a glance at the two men. Both had gone on alert. He had to play this cool.

  “I want to stay with you, Paris,” she said. “But Daddy would like me to go with Carlton. I understand that he’s busy with rehearsals, but something feels wrong. I’m afraid.”

  Carlton. His misgivings burst into full flower. Lucas had to force himself to remain seated until she drew near.

  “Hello, Darla. Are you warm enough?”

  Lucas lifted his head, finger across his lips as her eyes went wide. “Act as if I’m Darla, Tansy. I have to talk to you. It’s important.”

  “Is it you, Michael?” she asked softly.

  He nodded. “Please…will you sit by me?”

  She moved in perfect trust, a giggle rising from her throat. “Why are you dressed like Darla?” A faint frown crossed her face. “Is she all right?”

  “Yes. I’m minding her things for her.”

  “Is this a game?”

  He almost said yes, not sure he could—or should—convey to her the seriousness of the situation. Instead, he grasped her hand. “Tansy, there are men here who intend to take me away from you.” He’d bet anything it was true.

  She stiffened. Her head whipped around.

  “Don’t look, please. Just sit here with me and act as though you believe I’m Darla.”

  “Are you all right? Why do they—”

  “Maybe they think I’ll hurt you.”

  She scoffed openly. “That’s ridiculous. You’re my prince. I’ll just go tell them—”

  He pulled her down. “No. They can’t be alerted that you see them. Don’t draw attention to me. If they figure it out—”

  She squeezed his hand. “I won’t let them get you.”

  He smiled at her fervor. “Thank you.” He studied her. “Has something happened today?”

  “You’ve been gone for days and days.”

  He couldn’t meet the hurt in those blue eyes. “I’m sorry. I missed you, too.” He longed to put his arms around her, but he didn’t dare.

  She rested her head against his shoulder. “I’m afraid. I wish you could stay with me.”

  He did, too, but he was in no position to intervene. “What makes you afraid?”

  “My father intends to send me away with Carlton, but Mona and Kat say I don’t have to go. Everyone is mad, especially Carlton.” Her eyes went distant. “I don’t want to go to his apartment,” she whispered. “I want to stay with you. Paris needs me to be here.”

  “Why are you unwilling to go?” How much do you remember?

  She clutched her hands around his arm. “The bad dream,” she whispered, her eyes going dark.

  He had to ask her—

  The newspaper reader rose and began to walk their way.

  He was running out of time. “I have to go.”

  “Take me with you.”

  Lucas recoiled in astonishment. “What?”

  The man stopped not far away, possibly close enough to hear. For Lucas to linger wasn’t safe, but they had to have more time. “Do you recall how you used to sneak out through the laundry room?”

  Blue eyes went wide. “How do you know that?”

  “Would you—
” He stopped. The idea was insane. How would he ever care for her? But his sense of her danger was screaming, and he didn’t trust anyone else. Perhaps her sisters would listen, but he had to be sure she was protected first. He spoke again, his voice low and hurried. “Once you said you’d go to new places with me because I made you feel safe.”

  Tansy smiled. “Yes.”

  “What if we did that soon?”

  “All right.” No hesitation at all.

  “What about Paris?”

  Her expression grew troubled. “I don’t think he can leave.” She stared into the distance, then turned back to him. “Paris told me to trust you. He would understand.” Her eyes glistened with sudden tears. “Could we come back…to see him?”

  Lucas almost took her into his arms until he remembered the watchers. He settled for covering her hand with both of his. “We’ll come back. But Tansy, I believe Paris will always be with you in your heart.”

  Her smile was a thousand suns. “Do we go now?”

  He shook his head. “Not yet. Tonight, can you get out the old way?”

  For a second, he thought he saw something stir in her eyes, a fleeting shadow…a memory? She frowned faintly. “I won’t be afraid if I’m with you,” she said, but her icy hands betrayed her.

  “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” But how the hell would he ever protect her otherwise? Urgency seized him. He had to get her away from Sanford’s control.

  And then he had to secure help. The file he’d built had shown him just how much power Sanford had. Now there were rumors of an ambassadorship at stake. Lucas had to find someone who could make the authorities listen.

  But first he needed Tansy out of harm’s way.

  She spoke up. “I want to go. What time?”

  And so it was that they made hasty plans before he had to send her back. He scribbled the bar’s phone number on a scrap of paper and put it in her hand. “If anything happens before then to make you afraid, call this number.”

  “Okay.” So much trust.

  “Now say goodbye to me as if I’m Darla and go back inside. Be sure to dress warmly tonight and don’t bring very much.” He forced himself to smile as though he wasn’t scared as hell that something would happen before tonight.

  Tansy smiled back, sweet as sunshine. “’Bye, Darla,” she called out. “You go to the shelter tonight, all right?”

  Lucas watched her walk away and tried to tell himself that in a few hours, she would be safe.

  Please, was all he could think. Please. Don’t abandon us this time.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Call me if you need me.

  Kat stared out her bedroom window at the building behind, idly pondering whether Telescope Man in the apartment directly across and down three would like a peep show. In the same split-second, she studied the piece of green Depression glass a hand’s-width away and wondered if it would make a satisfying crash if she airlifted it against the wall.

  Or if anything at all could peel this dead zone away from her heart, once so trustworthily bulletproof that she’d taken it for granted.

  She’d gone by the gallery, intending to give Gregory the day off, but she’d gotten one glimpse of Gamble’s paintings and known that if she stayed there, she’d burn them…along with her future.

  So she came home, where the painting she’d stolen from him faced the wall. She’d circled it as a swordsman searching for an opening to an enemy’s heart. Finally, she’d left it there, too afraid to turn it around, and now stood before the open refrigerator door as though inside were answers.

  To why?

  And how?

  Cruel words with no explanations. Why this man? How had he done it to her? Why had fate sent him her way? How had she lost herself?

  Why was he married? How could he betray his wife?

  His wife, hell. How could he betray me?

  A small smile lifted the corners of her mouth. Even she could see the humor in feeling herself to be the one wronged.

  Kat sat on the kitchen floor, chilled from air scented with mustard and old Brie and white wine.

  And she mused over what had become of the groceries she’d left at Gamble’s. Had he and that woman eaten them? Did they understand how she’d tucked dreams inside the tender leaves of baby lettuce? How she’d shaped the baguette with her fingers and pictured herself and Gamble tearing off great hunks and feeding them to each other when they were starving but unwilling to move from the bed? How she would have bread crumbs on her skin and he would brush them away with gentle fingers…and she would know, at last, the care she’d craved for years?

  Call me if you need me.

  She’d dialed Armand’s number three times, each time listening to his voicemail message.

  But then she’d disconnected the call, unable to find fifteen seconds’ worth of words.

  Oh, Armand. I hurt so much. There’s this hole that gets so big sometimes that I’m pretty sure my insides have vanished. That I’ll collapse like a rag doll from the weight of all my wanting.

  From the fear that no one will ever want me. Not me, Kat Gerard, vixen seductress.

  But me. Really me, who used to have the prettiest long red braids I cut off with Nana’s pruning shears when everybody went away.

  Kat slid to her side on the cold kitchen floor and felt the chill leach into her bones. As twilight fell, the appliance light bathed her in metallic moonglow tainted yellow. She curled up tighter to preserve the tiny flame of a spirit she no longer felt able to turn into torchlight.

  And when her phone began to ring, she closed her eyes and covered her ears. She lay very still, the refrigerator light keeping away ghosts.

  Finally, when she couldn’t stand the ringing anymore, she rose and powered down her phone.

  Mona watched from her office window as an unseen hand slowly adjusted the rheostat of city lights, bringing them up through the mist of watery late-winter sun. It was a time of day when she and Fitz had once checked in with each other, compared notes on the day’s progress, made evening plans. Each of them often had work left to do, but they’d sometimes meet for dinner, then return to their respective offices. Or sometimes they’d meet at home and retire to work a few hours longer, once they’d shared takeout.

  And sometimes they’d meet and not eat at all, recharging their batteries in a different manner. Breathless and snorting laughter into the other’s shoulder, she and Fitz would steal bliss on top of her desk. In the coat closet at the paper. Paying an exorbitant night’s rate at the Plaza and only using the room for two hours.

  She craved the feel of his thick sandy hair in her fingers, the heat of his mouth. The strength of his arms. She wanted to call him and talk about Tansy, hear him tell her she was worried for no reason. Or hear him, period. Just…savor his voice.

  Her left hand, wedding ring glinting, stole down to rest on her still-flat belly. She’d meant to call her doctor and talk about—

  Why did the word sound different to her now? Abortion. Abort. It was a harsh word, abrupt and graceless. That shouldn’t be. All her adult life she’d seen it as a bright and shining word, the example of a woman’s freedom from the tyranny of biology that robbed so many of hope and the futures they should have had.

  But tonight she realized that inside her might be a little Fitz, a boy with the hazel eyes she loved more than anything in the world. With the long fingers that had touched her with such love…

  Something inside her gave way. Just the smallest bit, but the tear was sharp and stunning, and her years of assurance of who she was and what she believed and what she wanted stumbled on once-steady moorings.

  One call. It would only take that to bring Fitz back. He’d fly across the city to be with her if he knew. He’d laugh and whirl her and cover her mouth with his and hold her so tightly she’d feel safe and protected and loved. He’d pick up the phone and call everyone he knew—

  And everyone she knew. Jack Bradshaw’s face loomed before her, eyes gleaming triumph
as he moved into this office while she was on maternity leave. Took over her magazine. Mona pictured herself, ungainly and round, trying to get on and off the train quickly. Traveling back and forth to Westchester every night.

  She clutched the edge of her desk with a white-knuckled hand, her chest tight. For a second, she could not breathe as terror gripped her. As much as she wanted Fitz beside her right now, she couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t encase her in a silken prison. He’d been a passing-good feminist for years, but he was different now. She would be the carrying case for his new dream, to be cosseted and pampered—

  And changed. Forever changed. She pictured his sisters, happily ensconced in their suburban lives. His mother who still baked from scratch.

  He would wish for that, and she could not be anything like it.

  Her mother had stepped into her velvet cage with a smile and eager eyes. Every year, she had faded. The bright splash of color that was Juliette had become the pale cabbage rose of ancient upholstery.

  She loved you so much. Tansy’s soft words murmured in her ear.

  Maybe she had, but in the end, she’d still left.

  Mona wrapped her arms around her waist, curving over until her forehead touched the cold glass of her office window. What do I do, little one?

  She listened, listened hard, but she heard no words, no advice, no answers. Yet deep within was a tiny warmth, a faint flickering of a light that felt strong and true and real. It could be snuffed as finger and thumb doused a candle. Quickly. Easily. Then it would all be over, and she could go on with her life.

  Not yet. Something inside her spoke. Not yet.

  All right, little one. A bit longer, that’s all, though. A brief respite to find an answer.

  Some of the tempest inside her receded. Part of the bite softened. It was only temporary, and she was all too aware of what would be smart and sane and realistic for someone like her, but—

  Not yet. Just…not yet.

  Mona uncurled her arms from around her waist and turned toward her desk, seeing it through the eyes of a stranger. As she scrambled for some distraction, her gaze landed on the card for the security company.