Mark Z Danielewski
Page 22
forced to wrestle for the rest of his life with this question of self-worth.[106]
Navidson was no different.[107]
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"To me, Tom seemed an incredibly peaceful man. Plain, decent but most of all peaceful."[108]
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Here Ruccalla's analysis unexpectedly rereads the meaning of Esau's lost inheritance, sublimely uncovering an unspoken history, veiled in irony and blankness, yet still describing how one brother could not have succeeded without the other. Cain may not have been his brother's keeper but Esau certainly was[109]
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" . . . a cunning hunter" "of the field"
"plain man, dwelling in tents."[110]
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This then is the meaning of Esau
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As Scholem writes: "Frank's ultimate vision of the future was based upon the still unrevealed laws of the Torah of atzilut which he promised his disciples would take effect once they had 'come to Esau,' that is, when the passage through the 'abyss' with its unmitigated destruction and negation was finally accomplished."[111]
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But as a great Hasidic maxim reminds us: "The Messiah will not come until the tears of Esau have ceased."[112]
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and so returns to Tom and Will Navidson, divided by experience, endowed with different talents and dispositions, yet still brothers and "naught without the other."
As Ruccalla states in her concluding chapter: "While the differences are there, like the serpents of the Caduceus, these two brothers have always been and always will be inextricably intertwined; and just like the Caduceus, their shared history creates a meaning and that meaning is health."247
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By the end of the first night, Tom has begun to feel the terrible strain of that place. At one point he even threatens to abandon his post. He does not. His devotion to his brother triumphs over his own fears. Remaining by the radio, "[Tom] gnaws on boredom like a dog gnawing on a bone while all the time eyeing fear like a mongoose."248
Fortunately for us, some trace of this struggle survives on his Hi 8 where Tom recorded an eclectic, sometimes funny, sometimes bizarre history of thoughts passing away in the atrocity of that darkness.
247Eta Ruccalla, p. 897.
But it also means [Rest missing.]
248Ibid„ p. 249.
Tom's Story
[Transcript]
Day 1: 10:38
[Outside Tom's tent; breath frosting in the air]
Who am I kidding? A place like this has to "be haunted. That's what happened to Holloway and his team—the ghosts got 'em. That's what will happen to Navy and me. The ghosts will get us. Except he's with Reston. He's not alone. I'm alone. That just figures. Ghosts always go first for the one who's alone. In fact, I het they're here right now. Lurking.
Day 1: 18:06
[In order to maintain contact, it was necessary to set up the radio outside of the tent]
Radio (Navidson): Tom, we found another neon marker. Most of it's gone. Just a shred. We're laying down line and proceeding.
Tom into radio: Okay Navy. See any ghosts?
Radio (Navidson): Nothing. You a little spooked?
Tom: Lighting up a fat one.
Radio (Navidson): If it gets too much for you, go hack. We'll "be alright.
Tom: Fuck yourself Navy.
Radio (Navidson): What?
Tom: Doesn't he go around autographing lightbulbs?
Radio (Navidson): Who?
Tom: Watt.
Radio (Navidson): What?
Tom: Nevermind. Over. Out. Whatever.
[Changing channels]
Tom: Karen, this is Tom.
Radio (Karen): I would hope so. How's Navy?
Tom: He's fine. Found another marker.
Radio (Karen): And Billy?
Tom: Fine too.
Radio (Karen): How are you managing?
Tom: Me? I'm cold, I'm scared shitless, and I feel like I'm about to be eaten alive at any moment.
Otherwise, I'd say I'm fine.
Day 1: 15:46
[Inside tent]
Okay, Mr. Monster. I know you're there and you're planning to eat me and there's nothing I can do about that, but I should warn you I've lived for years on fast food, greasy fries, more than a few polyurethane shakes. I smoke a lot of weed too. Got a pair of lungs blacker than road tar. My point being, Mr. Monster, I don't taste so good.
Day 1: 18:38
[Outside tent]
This is ridiculous. I don't belong here. No one belongs here. Fuck you Navy for bringing me here. I'm a slob. I like lots of food. These things I consider accomplishments. I am not a hero. I am not an adventurer. I am Tom the slow, Tom the chunky, Tom the stoned, Tom about to be eaten by Mr. Monster. Where are you Mr. Monster, you stinking bastard? Sleeping on the job?
Day 1: 21:09
[Outside tent]
I'm sick. I'm freezing to death. I'm going.
[He throws up]
This is not fun. This isn't fair.
[Pause]
I think there's a game on tonight.
Day 1: 23:41
[Outside tent]
Tom: What kind of voices?
Radio (Karen): Daisy doesn't know. Chad said they sounded like a few people, but he couldn't understand what they were saying.
Tom: Book me a flight to the Bahamas.
Radio (Karen): Are you kidding, book a flight for the whole family. This is absurd.
Tom: Where's that bottle of bourbon when you need it? [Pause] Hey, I better sign off. Don't want a bunch of dead batteries on my hands.
Radio (Karen): Tell him I love him, Tom.
Tom: I already did.
Day 2: 00:11
[Outside tent; smoking a joint]
I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."
A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the Captain and his crew were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That
evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.
Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the Captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."
Day 2: 10:57
[Inside tent]
Radio (Navidson): Tom? [Static] Tom, you read me?
Tom: (Going outside to the radio) What time is it? (Looking at his watch) 11 AM! Jesus, did I sleep well.
Radio (Navidson): Still no sign, except for [Static] markers [Static] over.
Tom: Say again Navy. You're fading.
Day 2: 12:03
[Outside tent]
This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat. His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
"Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
"Yeah when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you w
ere my son."
Day 2: 13:27
[Outside tent]
I feel like I'm in a goddamned refrigerator, that's what. So what I want to know is, where's all the goddamn food? God knows I could use a drink.
Day 2: 14:11
[Inside tent]
A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand. After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.
"If someone makes a mistake," he points out. "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse the error would continue to be made."
A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.
Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally the new monk decides to see if the old guy's alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. He is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time.
"Father?" the monk whispers.
"Oh Lord Jesus," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate.'"
Day 2: 15:29
[Outside tent; smoking a joint; coughing; coughing again]
Did you expect oration Mr. Monster? Or maybe just a little expectoration?
[Coughs and spits]
Navy taught me that one.
Day 2: 15:49
[Outside tent]
Tom: Hey, uh, Karen, I've got a bit of the munchies going on here. Do you think you could order me a Pizza.
Radio (Karen): What?!
Tom: When the delivery boy comes to the door just tell him to take it to the fat guy at the end of the hall. Two miles down on the left.
Radio (Karen): [Pause] Tom, maybe you should come back.
Tom: No maybe about it. Is there any lemon meringue left?
Day 2: 16:01
[Inside tent]
There once was a poor man who walked around without shoes. His feet were covered in calluses. One day a rich man felt sorry for the poor man and bought him a pair of Nikes. The poor man was extremely grateful and wore the shoes constantly. Well after a year or so, the shoes fell apart. So the poor man had to go back to running around barefoot, only now all his calluses were gone and his feet got all cut up and soon the cuts became infected and the man got sick and eventually, after they cut off his legs, he died.
I call that particular story "Love, Death Nike." A real cheer me up story for Mr. Monster. That's right! All for you. Oh and something else: fuck you Mr. Monster.
Day 8: 16:42
[Outside tent]
The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward: "Your Excellenqy," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the six dwarves started to titter.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.
"No, none in Italy," the Pope answered a little more sternly.
A few of the dwarves now began to laugh more openly.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the Pope was much more firm.
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By this point, all the dwarves were laughing aloud and rolling around on the ground.
"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Whereupon the six dwarves started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Day 2: 17:16
[Outside tent]
Here's a riddle: who makes a better house? A framer? A welder? A form builder? Give up? A grave maker! 'Cause his house lasts until judgment day! Okay that's a stupid joke. An old Sunday school joke, actually.
Day 2: 18:28
[Inside tent]
Now Mr. Monster looks like a frog, a little gribbbb-it frog when suddenly oooooh, little frog has become a . . . uh . . . piglet.
[By carefully positioning his halogen lamp, Tom is able to cast hand shadows on the back wall of his tent. He conjures up a whole menagerie of creatures.]
Yes a pigg7 wiggy creature just oinking along when . . . uh-oh an elephant! Look at that, the piglet has turned into an elephant. Jesus and look at the size of that elephant, it could . . . ooops, well I'll be, it's turned into a woodpecker, oh, now it's a snail, hmmm or how about a praying mantis, a sea urchin, a dove maybe, a tiger, or even this ... a wascawwy wabbit, and then all of a sudden ... oh no Mr. Monster, don't do that . . . but Mr. Monster does, turning into a dragon. Yup, that's right folks, a mean, no game playing, flesh eating dragon. And you say you want to eat me? Sure, sure . . . Except for one thing, just when Mr. Monster thinks he's gonna turn Tom the hefty into Tom the short rib, Tom unleashes his secret weapon.
[As the dragon on the tent wall turns toward Tom and opens its mouth, Tom gets ready to turn off the halogen with his foot.]
Ah ha, Mr. Monster! Bye-Bye baby!
[Click. Black.]249
discuss. Well, I've changed my mind. The Pekinese belongs here. With Tom's Hand shadows.
It happened last December, a month before I'd ever heard of Zampano, on the tail end of what had proved to be a rather dramatic November, All Souls Day commencing with Lude's acquisition of a great deal of Ecstasy, a portion of which he sold to me at bulk rate.
"Hoss, this is our pass to paradise," Lude had told me, and of course he was right.
Who cared if it was fall, it felt like spring. Lude led the way, zipping from club to bar, crashing Bel Air fetes, desert raves and any after hours open house Malibu mansion madness we could find out about. Remarkably, no matter how zealously guarded these events were—velvet ropes as impossible to transcend as concertina wire without a hand grenade—the pills were our hand grenades. Velvet blown aside with the release of just one tab. They got us in everywhere. Even if noses were already bloody with coke, lungs black with Cannabis or throats dry with bourbon. X was still something else entirely, a spine shivering departure from the regular banquet, offering plenty of love-simulated bliss-bloated diversions. And so it happened that that month—Novem nine and all mine November—Lude disappeared into his own bower of bentdom, while I wandered off and promptly found my own.
Not too long afterwards, Lude made a great show of sharing with me his official and most prodigious tally for that month. Something which, for some reason, I felt compelled to write down.
LUDE'S LIST
11/1 — Monique. 36. On her washing machine. She came during the rinse cycle. He came during the spin cycle. Drier broken.
11/3 — Morning: Tonya. 23. Hispanic. Twice.
Evening: Nina. 34. Leather choker. Thigh high boots. 11/4 — Sparkle. 32. In a gazebo above the party. 11/5 — Kelly. 29. Dancer. In some host's sauna. 11/6 — Gina. 22. Said "please" before making the weirdest requests.
11/8 — Jennifer. 20. Naked at midnight on the diving platform at USC.
11/9 — Caroline. 21. Swedish. On her Nordic track.
Later, some guy dating Monique (11/1) caught up with Lude. Turned out he only wanted some E. 11/10 — Susan. 19. Surprised him with a golden shower. He
surprised her with a raincoat. 11/11 — Evening: Brooke. 25.
Midnight: Marin. 22. Poured champagne all over the bed and told him to sleep in the wet spot. 11/12 — Noon: Alison 24-28????
Evening: ????? 23. Did it in wet suits. Neoprene smeared with Astroglide. She kept calling him O'Neil. 11/13 — Holly. 24-34???? Vietnamese.
11/14 — Dawn. 19. Leslie. 19. Melissa. 19. From San Diego.
They went to The Pleasure Chest together and bought a vibrating dildo for the first time.
11/19 — Cindy. 20. Waitress. "I get bored when I can't u
se my mouth."
Erin. 21. Jewish. In a changing stall at The Gap. Betsy. 36. After sex, wanted a pearl necklace. Lude told her he was broke. 11/22 — Michelle. 20. Catholic. Informed him that all anal sex requires is Vaseline and a pillow. She had both. Stephanie. 18. Black.
Alicia. 23. On top of her stereo speakers. Big speakers. Big woofers. Apparently very intense. Plenty of woofing.
Thanksgiving. Dana. 28. Navel pierced. Nipples pierced. Clitoral hood pierced. Danced for Lude on her bed, then masturbated until she came. An hour later, sex. He couldn't come for the second time. She called a girlfriend. They 69'd and then played Russian Blow Job—a variation on Russian Roulette. Lude was the gun, they took turns, thirty seconds at a time (he timed); Dana's girlfriend lost (or won; depending on your
Y N
tastes).
T N 100 tabs of X;
12 AA batteries;
half a dozen tubes of KY jelly;
4 boxes of condoms (ribbed and ultra thin; all w/ Nonoxynol-9); 3 loads of laundry; 2 wet suits;