by Joyce Meyer
We All Need Different Things
We are all different, and we each have different needs. I urge you to go the extra mile and find out what people really need instead of merely giving them what you want to give them. Perhaps you can easily give people words of encouragement, so you tend to encourage everyone. This is good because everyone needs some words of encouragement, but you might be giving those words to people who really need you to see that they need practical help in some way. They may be three months behind on their rent and instead of you encouraging them that God will provide, they actually need you to help them pay the rent. If you are not able to help financially that is understandable, but it is always good to at least consider doing something tangible to go along with words when the situation is serious.
Perhaps you love to spend time with people. You like to visit, call people and talk on the phone, or have friends to your home for meals—so you often try to give your time in these ways. But what if you are giving time to people who actually need more time to be alone and relax. They would be blessed if you gave them a gift certificate to go to lunch while you watched their children, but you keep trying to give them what you enjoy.
Some people are very detailed. They think and talk in great detail. They may send very long e-mails or leave voice messages that seem to be endless. Some people dread even beginning reading e-mails or listening to messages from these highly detailed people because they know doing so will take a long time. If those who are detail oriented only do what pleases them or what they like, they will find some people avoiding them.
Even in communication, we should find out what people want and need and not simply speak and write in ways that please us. If you have a friend who likes details, then give that person all you can think of. If, on the other hand, your friends prefer the bottom line, then give them “just the facts.”
I like to give gifts, so I usually do that to show love. I once had an assistant who did not seem to appreciate my gifts very much. This really bothered me because she seemed ungrateful, but when I got to know her better she told me that the most important thing to her was hearing words that conveyed love. I wanted to give her gifts because that was easier for me than saying the words she wanted to hear. I show appreciation for someone’s hard work by giving them things, but she needed me to tell her frequently what a good job she was doing and how much I appreciated her. She needed hugs or pats on the back. Through gift-giving, I was trying really hard to show her love, but amazingly she did not feel loved. I think that happens more often than we realize simply because we don’t learn enough about people to be able to give them what they truly need, we simply want to give them what we want to give them because that is easier for us.
When we expect everyone to be alike, we end up pressuring them to be something they don’t know how to be. God graciously provides for every need we have. He places the right people in our lives with the right gifts if we can only see it and appreciate people for who they are.
Study People
Studying people to educate myself concerning what they need from me was an eye-opening experience. For example, my husband needs respect and to know that I feel he is doing a good job taking care of me. He needs a peaceful atmosphere to live in. He loves sports of all kinds and needs time to play golf and watch ballgames. If I give him those things, he is as happy as he can be.
I, on the other hand, love acts of service. It means a lot to me when someone does something for me that will make my life easier. My husband almost always cleans the kitchen after dinner so I can sit and rest. If he sees me trying to do something that seems hard for me, such as carrying a heavy object, he immediately tells me to put it down and let him do it for me. These things make me feel valuable and loved. Understanding what each other needs and being willing to give it has improved our relationship tremendously.
My daughter Sandra needs quality time and words of encouragement. My daughter Laura needs words of encouragement, but spending time with me is not as important to her. Both of my daughters love me very much, but they show it in different ways. Sandra calls me almost every day, and she and her family eat with us often. Laura doesn’t call as frequently and I don’t see her as much as I do Sandra, but she helps me take care of my elderly mother and aunt by getting their groceries and helping with banking issues and paying bills, even though she has four children at home and her husband’s grandmother lives with them.
I have two sons who are both wonderful, but they are very different. One calls me every day and tells me he loves me; the other one does not call as much, but shows his love in other ways. Anytime I ask either of them to do something for me, they either do it or get it done. My point is that our children are all different, but all wonderful.
I have also had to study my children and learn what each of them needs from me so I can give it to them. One likes receiving gifts, another likes time, another needs words of encouragement, while another may need a display of affection. I am still learning all the time, but at least now I am trying to please them instead of myself.
We all have a “love language,” a term popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman and explained in his book The Five Love Languages. A person’s love language is the way he or she expresses and receives love. As I mentioned, my love language is acts of service, while my daughter’s is quality time. When people speak to us in our specific love language, we feel loved, and when we speak someone else’s love language, they feel loved. We usually try to give people what we need—to speak to them in our love language, but that can be a huge mistake. If they don’t need what we need, then no matter how hard we work at it, they will still feel unloved.
I am also learning that no matter how much I need something, the person I want it from may not be equipped to give it to me, at least not at the present time. I spent a lot of years discouraged and disappointed until I finally learned to pray and trust God to give me what I needed through the people He chose. In the meantime, I try to do what is right and I find that my joy increases not because I get everything I want, but by giving others what they want. I don’t always (or even usually) enjoy the sacrifice part, but I do like the inner satisfaction from knowing I am doing what God wants me to do.
Have you studied the people in your life to find out what they need from you and then been willing to give it to them? Have you ever asked them what they need? It is time for us to stop living selfishly and merely doing what is comfortable for us. We need to get to know the people that God has placed in our lives and set about the business of serving them for their good rather than ours.
Meet the Needs of Others
The Bible teaches that if we are strong in faith we ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not live to please ourselves. Each one of us should make it a practice to please and make our neighbors happy for their good, to edify, strengthen, and build them up (see Rom. 15:1–2). This is wonderful advice, but we usually do the opposite. We want others to live to make us happy and do what pleases us. The result is that no matter what people do, we are never happy and satisfied.
Man’s ways do not work. They don’t provide what we truly want and need, but God’s ways do work. If we do as He instructs we may make some sacrifices, but we will have a kind of joy that cannot be found anywhere except in the center of God’s will.
Will you be honest and ask yourself some questions that may be difficult to answer but will bring you face-to-face with where you are in the whole theme of loving other people?
How much do you do for others?
Are you trying to find out what people want and need so you can help?
Are you sincerely trying to know the people in your life in a genuine way?
How much do you really even know the people in your own family?
As I answered these questions a few years ago, I was appalled at the level of selfishness in my life even though I had been a Christian minister for many years. The truth began to open my eyes about why I was still unhappy and unfulfilled e
ven though I had every reason to be really happy. The bottom line was that I was selfish and self-centered and I needed to change. These changes did not come easily or quickly, neither are they completed, but as I press on daily I am making progress and I am happier all the time.
Learn to Listen
Once I made up my mind that I was declaring war on selfishness and wanted to be part of a Love Revolution, I needed to find creative ways to be a blessing. Since people are different and need different things, I had to start training myself to really listen to what they told me. I find that if I listen to anyone for very long I can walk away with the knowledge of something I can get them, do for them, or pray about for them if I really want to. The “I don’t know what to do” excuse is an old one and needs to be put in the trash. If we really want to give we can find ways to do it. Remember, “Indifference makes excuses, but love finds a way!”
“Indifference makes excuses; love finds a way.”
I believe this matter of listening is a huge part of learning to love people the way they need to be loved. Take a week and during that time write down what people tell you in general conversation that they want, need, or like. Pray over the list and ask God if He would have you do any of it or, if you have a desire to do any of it, then go for it. I don’t believe you need a special word from God to begin blessing people. If what they need is too much for you to do on your own, then I suggest you consider getting a few other people to join with you and meet the need as a group. If a friend mentions that she is still sleeping on the couch after being in her apartment for a year because she has not been able to afford a bedroom set, getting her one would be a good thing to consider as a group project.
A friend was talking to me about a young man at her church who had terribly crooked teeth. They were so bad that he refused to smile because he was embarrassed for anyone to see them. I was moved with compassion when I heard his story and we were able to anonymously provide for his teeth to be fixed. That changed his life. How often do we hear of something like that, feel compassion and yet walk away without even considering whether or not we could do something to help? I think it is far too often. We simply need to be educated and retrained. We need to form new habits. Instead of assuming that there is nothing we can do, we should at least think about it. Remember, 1 John 3:17 says: “If anyone has this world’s goods (resources for sustaining life) and sees his brother and fellow believer in need, yet closes his heart of compassion against him, how can the love of God live and remain in him?”
I heard a friend say she needed skin care products. I had an extra set, so I gave her one. My mom mentioned she was out of perfume, so I got her a bottle. My aunt likes to go to Starbucks, so I got her a gift card. Please understand that I am not sharing these things with you for any reason other than to give you ideas about ways you can show love to the people in your world. I’m sure you have plenty of ideas of your own, so please remember to go to the Love Revolution website and share them so you can inspire us.
Each time we act to improve the life of another person or strike out against injustice, we send forth a ripple of hope in what appears to be a hopeless society. We really can overcome evil with good, so let’s be relentless in our determination to do so.
CHAPTER
12
Unconditional Love
Love is not blind—it sees more, not less.
Rabbi Julius Gordon
One of the most beautiful things the Bible says is that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (see Rom. 5:8). He did not wait for us to deserve His love; He loves us unconditionally. To be honest, that’s hard for many of us to comprehend because we are so accustomed to having to earn and deserve everything in life.
God is rich in mercy, and in order to satisfy the great, wonderful, and intense love with which He loves us, He poured His life out for us freely (see Eph. 2:4). That is revolutionary love! Real, revolutionary love must give itself, for it can never be satisfied to do anything less.
It is God’s unconditional love that draws us to Him, and it is our unconditional love toward others in His name that will draw others to Him. He wants us to love people in His place and do it the same way He would if He were here in bodily form. He wants us to live the Love Revolution.
You may remember the story I told in chapter 6 about my father and how God instructed Dave and me to take care of him even though he certainly did not deserve it. Showing him the unconditional love of God eventually softened his hard heart, and he repented of his sin and received Jesus as his Savior.
Human love finds it impossible to love unconditionally, but we have the love of God in us as believers in Jesus Christ, and we can let that love flow freely, without conditions. Man’s love fails, but God’s does not. Man’s love comes to an end, but God’s does not. Sometimes I find that although I cannot love a person in my own human strength, I am able to love them with God’s love.
Someone who hurt me repeatedly for years recently asked me how I felt about them. Did I love them? I was honestly able to say that although I did not have the fond feelings for them I could have had if things had been different, I did love them as a child of God and would help them in their need.
The true love of God doesn’t depend on feelings; it is based on decision. I will help anyone who needs help, unless helping them would ultimately hurt them. They don’t have to deserve it. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think the less they deserve it, the more beautiful and impacting it is. It is absolutely freeing to be able to love people without stopping to ask if they deserve it.
Forgiveness
* * *
It was out of the question… simply too much too ask. How could Bill Ebarb forgive the man who killed his brother in cold blood? Bill Ebarb and Charles Manuel were two strangers whose lives would be forever intertwined in a split second—the moment Charles pulled the trigger and murdered Bill’s brother, John. From that moment on, Bill could think of nothing but revenge.
Bill’s heart was full of rage and anger, and he was convinced that no punishment had the ability to wipe away his loss. After John was killed, there wasn’t a day that went by that Bill didn’t think about the killer. The intense hatred was eating him alive. This obsession soon cost Bill his job and his marriage. He knew that if he continued down this destructive path, it would soon cost him his life.
That’s when Bill experienced a change in his life that was even more powerful than the day he lost his brother. Bill experienced the forgiveness of Christ. This was something supernatural and beyond any forgiveness that a human could manage alone. God removed the hatred—He removed the anger.
Bill’s heart was so miraculously transformed that he began to think the impossible. He realized that if the Lord could forgive him for all of the things that he had done in his life, he must also forgive Charles. And he must tell Charles that he had forgiven him for murdering his brother. At first it was an act of obedience, but then it became a matter of the heart. And so eighteen years to the day of John’s death, Bill and Charles sat across from each other in a meeting that confirmed what God had already done in both of their lives. God had set both of these men free through the power of forgiveness.
Statistics 1 say:
Forgiveness reduces stress. Nursing a grudge can place the same strains—tense muscles, elevated blood pressure, increased sweating—on your body as a major stressful event.
Your heart will benefit if you’re able to forgive. A study found a link between forgiving and improvements in heart rate and blood pressure.
A recent study found that women who were able to forgive their spouses and feel kindhearted toward them resolved conflicts more effectively.
Human love depends on feelings. We love people because they have been good to us, they helped us, or they loved us first. They make us feel good about ourselves, or they make our life easier, so we say we love them. Or we love them because we want them to love us. But that type of love is based on what they are doing, and if they stop doing i
t we will probably stop loving them. That kind of love comes and goes; it is hot and then cold. That is the kind of love we experience in the world. Many marriages and other personal relationships are based on that kind of love. We love ice cream because it tastes good, and we love people because they give us nice Christmas gifts.
God’s love is totally different—it is not based on anything except God Himself. And when we receive Christ as our Savior, the love of God is poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit (see Rom. 5:5). When we become partners with God, He expects us to be His representatives in the earth and He equips us with the love we need to do the job He asks us to do. When human love ends, which it often does, God’s love is still available to finish what needs to be done.
I did not love my father as a girl might because he was never a father to me. But I did have the love of God in me, and I was able to decide totally apart from feelings that I would treat him kindly in his old age and be merciful toward him. I actually felt compassion for him because he wasted his entire life and had memories full of regrets.
We often hear amazing stories of forgiveness. I heard of a teenager who was drinking and caused an accident that killed a man’s wife and child. The man knew God wanted him to forgive the young man who caused the accident, and through much prayer he was able to let the love of God flow through him. That man was a love revolutionary!
We must learn to look at what people have done to themselves rather than what they have done to us. Usually, when someone hurts another, he or she has probably damaged him- or herself at least as much and is probably suffering some fallout as a result. That is precisely what Jesus did when He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).