by Joyce Meyer
The God kind of love cannot be grasped with the mind; it is a matter of the heart. It seemed quite unreasonable for God to ask me to take care of my father—but then, love is quite unreasonable, isn’t it? There is no reason for God to love us while we are sinning and totally ignoring Him, but He does.
Mercy Triumphs over Judgment
It is easy to judge a person or situation and dole out only what is deserved, but mercy is greater than that. It is a glorious thing for someone to overlook an offense. In order to help people in third-world countries, I cannot look at the fact that many of them worship idols or animals or the sun or even demons. I could easily say, “No wonder they’re starving—they have turned their backs on God.” But perhaps I would be in the same situation they’re in if I had been born where they were. We must remind ourselves, “If it were not for the grace of God in my life, that could be me.”
It is easy for some religious people to look at a homosexual man who has AIDS and think, He deserves it. But is that the way God looks at the man? Or does God see the real “why” behind the “what”? God wants to reach out to that man with redemption as long as the man draws breath—and He may want to use me or you to do it. That does not mean we need to embrace others’ sin, but we should embrace people and help them in their time of need, by providing medicine, shelter, and kind words that enable them to find hope in God.
Mercy and compassion are two of the most beautiful qualities of love, and in fact there is no real love without them. Because I was forced to earn everything I got during my first thirty years of life, I wasn’t big on giving people what I had worked for when it seemed to me that they had done nothing to help themselves. Learning the difference between my human love and the love of God that had been deposited in me took some time. Mercy cannot be earned or deserved. Paul wrote to the Colossians and told them to “put on love” (see Col. 3:14). I love the phrase “put on,” which means to do something on purpose, without depending on feelings or reason. I have learned amazing life lessons from that tiny little phrase.
As I write this, it is the middle of the afternoon, and I am still sitting in my pajamas writing. Dave just called and wants to come and pick me up and go to a Mustang car show. I can assure you that going to the car show will be an act of love. I don’t feel like getting dressed and ready; I am rather enjoying the whole pajama thing—but I will do it. In the same way, we all encounter numerous opportunities to choose to put on unconditional love.
Unless we learn to live beyond our feelings, we will never be able to love people with the love of God or help the needy people of the world. Are you ready to put on mercy? Are you ready to put on love? If you are struggling with feelings that could prevent you from doing the right thing, ask yourself, “What would Jesus do in this situation?” I know for sure that if Dave had given up on me, I would not be the person I am today. He listened to his heart, not his emotions, and that is what I am encouraging you to do.
Love Doesn’t Just Walk Away
Loving people does not mean letting them take advantage of us. It does not mean giving them a free ride in life while they do nothing. The Bible says that God corrects and disciplines everyone He loves (see Heb. 12:6). Correction is not punishment; it is training in right behavior. Sometimes that training requires the withholding of blessings, but God will always meet our basic needs when we cry out to Him. The Bible says that we can encounter trials of all kinds and if we need wisdom we can ask of the giving God who gives to all liberally and He will help us without reproach or faultfinding (see James 1:1–5). That is a beautiful thought!
I may not buy a drug addict a new car since I know he may likely sell it to buy drugs, but I can feed him and give him a place to take a shower and give him hope of a new life. I can tell him God loves him and wants to help him, and I can refrain from judging him, for if I judge him I won’t be able to love him.
Often when people hurt us or are difficult to get along with, we just want to get them out of our lives, but what if God wants us instead to build a relationship with them? It is much easier on us to merely walk away or shut difficult people out of our lives, but that is not always what God wants. We must learn what love really looks like in every situation and apply it without giving in to feelings or the lack of them.
One of the questions I am asked frequently is, “How long should I stick with this person?” That is a question that only your heart can answer. God is the only one who understands the entire situation from both sides, and He will guide you in your decisions if you truly want to do His will rather than your own. Just remember: Joining the Love Revolution means being ready and willing to love others even when it seems impossible.
When I discuss unconditional love with people, another question that always comes up is, “Am I just supposed to keep giving no matter what people do?” The answer to that question is no. Suppose a family member has had a drug and alcohol problem for most of his or her adult life, and in addition is very irresponsible. The family spends tremendous time, money, and effort to help him, but eventually he always goes back to his old habits and lifestyle. This is the sort of situation where the enemy uses this family member’s weakness to distract and steal strength from those who love him and have tried to help. Sometimes we have to face the fact that no matter how much we want to help someone, it never works unless they really want to be helped. In fact, very often, after years of continually trying to help, usually at great personal sacrifice, the family has to refuse to help any longer. This is not a decision that can be made quickly or easily, but often it has to be made.
Sometimes as Christians, we are accused of not truly practicing the love of Christ when a situation like this arises. We hear things like, “How can you claim to love people when you won’t even help your own relatives?” Though it’s difficult, the loving thing to do is to be firm and say, “If you ever really want to face your issues and get real help, let us know,” but I also know that I cannot keep on enabling him or her to continue a destructive lifestyle.
We should not let a loved one in trouble be hungry or sick with no help, but we also must not allow him to steal our peace or merely use us. Loving people does not mean doing for them what they should be doing for themselves.
Mercy helps those who don’t deserve help, but unconditional love is not intended to allow people to be irresponsible while we pay the bill. Mercy gives many opportunities, and unconditional love never gives up. It prays and is ready to move out of the shadows and help when doing so will really make a difference.
God wants His love to flow through us and into others. We need to learn to love ourselves in a balanced way, for we must love ourselves or we will have no love to give away. We need to receive God’s love and let it heal us. Remember that we cannot give away what we don’t have. But we must not stop there! God heals us so we can bring healing to others. God wants us to transition from those who have been rescued to those who are rescuing others. Human love always comes to an end, but thankfully the love of God does not. God promises us that His love never fails!
CHAPTER
13
Love Keeps No Record of Wrong
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:6–7 NIV
Are you a good accountant? Do you keep precise, detailed records of the wrongs that have been done to you? For many years, each time Dave and I had an argument, I would dig into my mental files and start bringing up all the other things he had done that I felt were wrong. I reminded him of past mistakes, and he was amazed that I even remembered many of them because they were so old. I recall one time when he said, “Where do you keep all this stuff stored?” While I held on to things for years, Dave was quick to forgive and let go.
More than anything God wants us to love one another, but that is impossible without total forgiveness. We cannot genuinely love those we are angry at or resentful toward. Paul wrote to the Corint
hians and said, “Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]” (1 Corinthians 13:5b).
Believe the Best
If we want to love people, we must let God transform the way we think about people and the things they do. We can believe the worst and be suspicious of everything others do and say, but real love always believes the best. What we think and believe is a choice. The root of much of our trouble in life is that we don’t control or discipline our thoughts. By not choosing to discipline our thoughts, we automatically do choose to believe the worst of someone or be suspicious.
The prophet Jeremiah asked the people this, “How long will you allow these grossly offensive thoughts to lodge within you?” (see Jer. 4:14). The thoughts they chose to think were offensive to God.
When we choose to believe the best, we are able to let go of everything which could be harmful to good relationships. I’ve saved a lot of energy that would have been used up by anger simply by saying to myself, “Even though what they said or did hurt me, I choose to believe their heart was right.” I keep talking to myself until my feelings of anger start to dissipate. I say things like, “I don’t believe they really understood how their actions affected me. I don’t believe they would try to hurt me on purpose. They just don’t understand how it sounds when they say that. Maybe they don’t feel good physically today or perhaps they are having a personal problem that is making them insensitive to how they are behaving.”
I know from experience that keeping mental records of offenses poisons our own lives and does not really change the other person. Many times we waste a day being angry at someone who doesn’t even realize they did anything that bothered us. They are enjoying their day and we are wasting ours.
If we are going to keep records, then why not keep records of the good things people say and do rather than the mistakes they make?
Examples of negative record keeping:
Dave watches sports all the time, and he knows I don’t enjoy them.
Dave corrects me on details when I am trying to tell a story.
When I need understanding, Dave tries to give me advice.
In forty-two years of marriage I can count on one hand how many times Dave has sent me flowers.
Dave planned a golf outing with his friends and did not even ask me what I was going to do or if I had any plans.
Examples of positive record keeping:
Dave is always willing to quickly forgive me when I behave wrongly toward him.
Dave gives me total freedom to be myself.
Dave picks up after himself. He is not a person who leaves messes for other people to clean up.
Dave tells me every day that he loves me, and quite often several times a day.
Dave compliments me about my clothes and appearance.
Dave buys me anything I want that we can afford.
Dave is always willing to take me anywhere I want to go.
Dave is very stable in his moods. He is rarely ever grouchy.
Dave is very protective of me. I feel safe when I am with him.
It is easy to see that the positive list is longer than the negative one, and I imagine it would be that way with most people if they would take time to write down the good things. We should look for and celebrate the good in the world and in people because we overcome evil with good. Thinking and talking about the good in people will cause us to barely notice the things that once really bothered us.
Don’t Grieve the Holy Spirit
We can actually cause the Holy Spirit to feel sad through our anger, bad temper, unforgiveness, bitterness, quarreling, and contention. The Bible urges us to banish ill will, spite, and baseness of any kind. It makes me sad to think that I could make the Holy Spirit of God sad. When I remember how easily angered I once was, I know I did grieve Him, and I don’t want to do it ever again. The only way I can avoid it is to be aggressive about letting go of ill feelings toward others as soon as they arise. We are to be useful, helpful, and kind to one another, forgiving one another readily and freely as God in Christ forgave us (see Eph. 4:30–32).
Our anger makes the Holy Spirit sad not only because God wants us to love one another but because He knows how negatively it affects us, and He wants us to enjoy a life of freedom. We should be imitators of God and follow His example. He is slow to anger, has plenty of mercy, and is quick to forgive. Our anger does not promote the righteousness God calls us to live in.
Just as genuine love has nothing to do with how we feel, genuine forgiveness doesn’t either. Both are based on a decision we make, not a feeling we have. I have learned that if I choose to forgive, my feelings eventually catch up with my decision. Forgiving others enables me to talk to them rather than shut them out of my life. It allows me to pray for them and to speak blessing to and about them rather than negative, evil things. We pay too much attention to our feelings. Instead, we should remember that our feelings are fickle and quite changeable. What does not change is love.
Make Allowances for One Another
If we truly love one another, we will bear with one another and make allowances for one another (see Eph. 4:1–2). Making allowances doesn’t mean making excuses for people’s wrong behavior—if it is wrong then it is wrong, and pretending or ignoring it does not help. But making allowances for one another means we allow each other to be less than perfect. We send messages with our words and attitude that say, “I won’t reject you because you did that; I won’t give up on you. I will work through this with you and believe in you.”
I have told my children that even though I might not always agree with everything they do, I will always try to understand and will never stop loving them. I want them to know that they can count on me to be a constant in their life.
God knows all about our faults and He still chooses us. He knows the mistakes we will make before we make them, and His posture toward us is, “I will allow you to be imperfect!” He promises to never leave us or forsake us (see Heb. 13:5).
Dave allows me to be me even though everything about me is less than perfect. He never pressures me to “change or else!” I never fear being rejected by him for being an imperfect wife. There are things about each person in our family and other close relationships that we wish were different, but when we really love someone we accept all of them. We accept the good and the not so good. The truth is that there just are no perfect people. If we expect perfection, we always set ourselves up for disappointment and even bitterness. Making allowances for one another makes life a lot easier, and even more important it demonstrates our obedience to God.
When people do something that you just don’t understand, instead of trying to figure them out, tell yourself, “They are human.” Jesus knew the nature of human beings and therefore He was not shocked when they did things He wished they would not have done. He still loved Peter even though Peter denied even knowing Him. He still loved His disciples even though they were unable to stay awake and pray with Him in His hour of agony and suffering. What people do will not stop us from loving them if we realize ahead of time they are not going to be perfect and prepare to make allowance for that human tendency that we all have.
Not only should we not keep records of what others do wrong, but we should not keep records of what we believe we do right. Thinking too highly of ourselves is what causes us to be impatient and unmerciful toward other people. The apostle Matthew said that when we do a good deed we should not let our right hand know what our left hand did (see Matt. 6:3). To me this means I shouldn’t meditate on what I believe my good deeds were or what my good traits are. I just need to concentrate on showing love to everyone I meet. That’s the primary focus of a Love Revolutionary!
Love Covers Sin
The apostle Peter said that above all things we should have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitud
e of sins (see 1 Peter 4:8). Love doesn’t just cover one mistake; it covers a multitude. God’s love for us not only covered our sins, it actually paid the price to completely remove them. Love is a powerful cleansing agent. I want you to notice that Peter said to do this—love—above all other things.
Paul had the same message for the Colossians, urging them to put on love above all (see Col. 3:14). Over and over in the Bible we see the constant reminder to love one another and not let anything stand in the way of doing so.
When Peter asked Jesus how many times he would be expected to forgive a brother for the same offense, Jesus told him to keep on doing it as many times as it took (see Matt. 18:21–22). Peter suggested seven times, and I have often wondered if he was already at six and thought he had only one more effort in him. If we are going to join the Love Revolution, we must understand that a lot of forgiveness will be required. In fact, it will probably be part of our daily experience. Some of the things we need to forgive may be minor and fairly easy, but occasionally that big thing comes along and we start wondering if we can ever get over it. Just remember that God never tells us to do anything unless He gives us the ability to do it. We can forgive anyone for anything if we let the God kind of love flow through us.