by Sarah Price
“But Hannah and . . . ”
Quickly he stopped her from continuing, his voice sounded a bit agitated. “It’s not Hannah I wish to talk about, Emma.”
“But she is a good friend of mine.”
Sensing her irritation, Paul was quick to apologize. “I mean no disrespect. Of course, any friend of yours is a friend of mine.”
The word friend caught her off guard. She couldn’t tell whether he was being coy on purpose or not. “She enjoyed your verse,” she offered, carefully watching his reaction.
“My verse? Why . . . ” He paused and seemed at a loss for words. His eyes glanced at her, and then with the slightest of movements, he slowed down the horse so that the buggy stopped along the side of the quiet road. “I intended those verses just for you, Emma. I never meant for them to be seen by anyone else.”
Her heart caught in her throat and she felt herself tensing up. This wasn’t the conversation that she had expected. Not from Paul Esh, the man she had so clearly believed was interested in Hannah. “I don’t think I quite understand, Paul.”
“It was meant for you, Emma,” he repeated.
She caught her breath and inadvertently jumped farther away from Paul. “Now I am quite confused! Hannah . . . ”
He frowned. “This has nothing to do with Hannah, Emma. She’s a lovely girl and I know how fond you are of her.”
“As are you!” she quickly retorted.
At this, he laughed. “Oh, Emma! Surely you must know that my eyes are for one woman and one woman only. Why, if you’d let me talk, what I’m trying to say is that I wish to properly court you, Emma Weaver.”
“Oh, help!”
“There is no finer, more godly woman in our g’may. Together we would have a wonderful future.”
She shifted her weight so that she was staring directly at him. Her mouth was hanging open and her eyes were wide. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing and had to replay his words in her mind. Court her? Wonderful future? The shock of his words left her all but speechless. “Paul! This is Emma you are talking to, not Hannah! She is my friend!”
At the mention of Emma’s friend, Paul made a face, confused at the sudden shift in the conversation. It was clear that the discussion had moved away from his ardor for Emma and to her friendship with Hannah. “I . . . I don’t understand.”
“Nor do I! All this time I thought you were interested in Hannah!”
At this statement, he gave a moment’s reflection. “Hannah?” It took him another moment to realize what Emma had insinuated, and then, with a new look of understanding, he gave a soft laugh. “Oh, Emma, how sweet you are to think so fondly of your friend. But she has no background to speak of and her devotion to God is still immature at best. She is most pleasant, I will agree with you there. But to be the daughter-in-law of the bishop? I think not.”
His words did not seem real to Emma. Was Paul Esh actually saying such things to her? “You gave her so much attention!” she countered. “You gave her the impression . . . ”
He cut her off. “Nee, Emma, I gave no impression.” He seemed momentarily disturbed by her accusation. “I merely was kind to a friend of yours. Any man would do the same thing. Hannah’s friendship means so much to you. How could I not mirror that favor?”
“But the Bible verse that you wrote . . . ?”
He smiled at her, his eyes softening as he spoke. “Surely you knew that Bible verse was for none other than you, Emma. Did I not hand it to you directly and say you might not want to publish it? And how could such a verse, a verse that glorifies the love between a husband and his wife, comparing it to the love of Jesus for His followers, not be intended strictly for the woman I wish to court!”
“Paul!”
Still smiling, he took a deep breath and reached to take her hand in his. At his touch, she tried to shrink away but his grip on her was too tight. He stared into her eyes, a dreamy look upon his face. “My dear Emma, I’m sure that you will need some time to think about this. Any sensible woman would. But I would like to announce our banns after the October baptism ceremony.”
“Banns?”
It was all too much. Her mind was reeling and she could scarcely believe that this was happening. For a moment she felt as though she were floating on a cloud, watching the scene unfold in the buggy as a passive observer from above. How could she have gotten this so wrong? How could she have misunderstood that Paul’s attentions were not intended for Hannah but for herself?
When he began to lean forward, she realized that he intended to kiss her. Putting her hand out, she pressed it against his shoulder and pushed him away. Thankfully he pulled back and blinked his eyes, a look of confusion upon his face as he tried to figure out what exactly was the meaning of this unexpected response from his intended.
Emma glared at him, embarrassed at the position he had put her in. Never in her life had she felt so violated as in this moment when Paul Esh, of all people, presumed that she would not only want to court and marry him but had even tried to steal a kiss. The humiliation of his actions was intensified by the fact that he had never once stopped to think that she might have an opinion on the matter that differed from his.
And she did.
“I am terribly sorry, Paul, but I do not wish to court you.” She spoke the words sharply, trying her best to calm her beating heart. “Any interest that I had in you was as the presumed suitor to my friend.”
The realization began to sink into Paul that Emma was not just surprised by his offer but shocked. The look of joy quickly faded from his face, replaced with stunned indignation.
“I think you should take me home now, Paul.” She moved farther away from him on the seat, crossing her arms over her chest and staring out the window. The horse couldn’t trot fast enough down the road toward her home, and she silently prayed that this whole conversation had merely been a dream, or rather a nightmare. Unfortunately when Paul finally stopped the buggy in front of her house, she realized that, indeed, it had occurred. And from the way that Paul didn’t even say good-bye or wait to see that she was safe on the porch, she suspected that her astonishment was clearly matched by his resentment. And she knew that by misreading the situation her failed attempt at matchmaking had gravely offended him.
Chapter Eight
AS EMMA WALKED down the road toward the Wagler home, she wrung her hands and fought the urge to cry. Despite the fact that the sun shone in the sky and birds sang happily as they flew overhead, Emma saw nothing but darkness and gloom around her. There was no beauty in the fields that she walked by, some of browning corn stalks and others of hay waiting for a final cutting. Everything was peaceful and serene around her, but that was certainly not how she felt on the inside. Unaware of her surroundings, she barely even acknowledged the buggy that passed her, even when the driver lifted his hand to wave in greeting.
No. Emma was definitely not herself. A shadow of despair had befallen her. She felt like a confused, tortured soul. It was a feeling she had never experienced before, and it left her with a heavy pit in her stomach. Always eager to provide guidance to others when it came to matters of the heart, she now realized that she was at a loss when she, Emma, was the subject of these matters.
She had spent a sleepless night, tossing and turning in her bed, unable to find peace and tranquility as she replayed time and again the scene with Paul in the buggy: his declared admiration for her, his apparent disdain for Hannah with the implication that she was not good enough for him, the anger she had felt with the realization that he had already included her in his future plans, and her outright refusal of his offer. The confused expression on his face haunted her. Paul, without saying any words, had made it quite clear that her reaction was not expected and how disappointed he had been in the rejection. And that must have meant only one thing: he had been under the impression that his affection for her was reciprocated. How had she let this happen?
Over and over again she examined all of the reasons she thought Paul was i
nterested in Hannah rather than her, trying to determine at which point she had misconstrued his affection: their conversations, Paul’s admiration of the quilt, his anxious offer to take it for binding, the Bible verse. As she began to look at the memory of these interactions with a fresh perspective, she realized how terribly wrong she had been all along. Indeed, she had misread everything about Paul Esh’s intentions to court Hannah. In hindsight, now that she had clearer vision, Emma realized that she had missed the truth, even though it had been right there in front of her to observe.
When she arose in the morning, she didn’t know whether she had slept at all. Her eyes felt almost as heavy as her heart. During the morning hours Emma went through the motions of doing her Monday laundry. Accidentally she hung up two pairs of her daed’s trousers without actually having washed them. Embarrassed, she quickly pulled them off the line and hurried back inside the haus to return to the laundry room. She hoped no one had seen her blunder because tongues would certainly wag, the grapevine claiming she was being prideful, hanging dirty laundry to appear harder at work than she truly was.
In the early afternoon she finally decided to pay a visit to Anna. In the past Anna had always been the one to provide her with advice and guidance in times of trouble. She had been like a surrogate sister, close friend, and maem all in one. It only made sense that Emma would go to her, to share her burden and confess her sins. The shame of what had transpired was far too great for Emma to bear upon her own shoulders. She needed Anna’s wisdom and nonjudgmental opinion to help her get through this.
Shortly after dinner, their noon meal, her daed had gone to help the Yoders as best he could with their shop, moving inventory and boxes back into the upstairs room that had been used for worship the previous day. When he left, Emma quickly finished cleaning the kitchen then hurried out the back door, something she had wanted to do since early morning.
As she approached the house, she could see Anna outside, standing by the laundry line and folding clothes that had been drying in the sun. Next to her bare feet a wicker basket sat filled with white sheets, each folded carefully and neatly in a way that only Anna could do.
Going barefoot nearly everywhere was often interpreted by the Englischer as a lack of personal hygiene on the part of the Amish. But to the Amish wearing shoes only when absolutely necessary, usually not around the house or even in public during the warm summer months, was simply a way of life, a display of their modesty, simplicity, and humility toward their Creator and the community.
The green dress that Anna held in her arms was almost finished, so with one final fold, she set it atop the basket and waved at Emma, the delight on her face more than apparent at the surprise visit.
“Why, Emma! I’m so happy to see you!” Anna beamed as she clutched Emma’s hand. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes glowed. It was clear that Anna was experiencing a tremendous amount of joy in her new life as Samuel’s fraa; as if she was finally fulfilling her destiny. Still, there was something extra exciting in her expression today. “I have such great news! A letter arrived.” She laughed and clutched her hands together before her chest. “It must have been delivered on Saturday, and I never checked the box until this morning! Oh, how I wish I had looked on Saturday. Why, Samuel is just beside himself! He would have loved to have shared that gut news yesterday with the men after worship!” Another delighted laugh. “To think, after so long, Francis has finally committed to return to Lancaster!”
Despite the happiness in her friend’s face, Emma could hardly contain her own tears. She lowered her eyes, avoiding contact with Anna’s in the hopes of hiding her own shame. “I have heard, ja,” she admitted. Indeed, her father had told her just that morning about the news of Francis’s upcoming return after so many years away from Lancaster.
“Already?” Anna had a quizzical look upon her face. “How on earth did the news travel so quickly?”
Emma tried to smile. “Your husband stopped by earlier this morning,” she said. “He wanted to share the good news with Daed.”
Indeed, both Henry and Emma had been surprised when Samuel appeared on their doorstep. When he came in, Emma offered him a cup a coffee, and as the two men sat at the kitchen table, she overheard the announcement.
It was clear that Samuel was exuberant. In the past there had been several times when Francis had written that he wanted to visit. Those letters had always brought joy to Samuel, and he would share the news with his family and friends. But something always came up at the last minute that resulted in the trip being canceled. This time, however, Francis wrote that he had already scheduled the driver and he intended to stay for a good long while.
The two men laughed joyfully, pleased that Samuel’s son was coming home at long last.
“And mark my words,” Samuel said to Henry, a twinkle in his eye as he scratched at his graying beard. “If I know my boy, he says two weeks, but he will be here earlier!” With a wink in Emma’s direction, he added, “Francis was always known for his love of surprises!”
Despite the jubilation of the prodigal son’s eminent return, Emma had found it hard to do more than smile in response. Even now she found it difficult to feign the joy that Anna so clearly displayed, for her own heart was still aching from the previous day’s buggy ride home with Paul and its potential consequences.
Recognizing the despondent look in the younger woman’s eyes, Anna put her finger under Emma’s chin and tilted her head upward. The watery mist in Emma’s eyes was too apparent from that angle, and the expression on Anna’s face changed from joy to concern. “What is this, Emma? Tears? You have never been one to cry. What is happening, now?”
“Oh, Anna!” Emma replied, fighting the urge to sob. “I didn’t come here because of Francis, although that is such wunderbaar news and I’m sure that you are ever so pleased!” A tear filled her eye and she reached into the pocket of her dress to withdraw a white handkerchief. “I came because everything has turned upside down. I am so ashamed and so bewildered. I don’t know what to do.”
Putting her arm around Emma’s shoulders, Anna gave her a gentle squeeze of comfort before she began to guide her toward the house. “Come, come, now, Emma. Let’s go inside the haus where we can sit and have a talk. It’s been a while since you and I sat together, ain’t so? And with so much change afoot, I’m sure that everything must seem much worse than it truly is, schwester.”
They were seated on the sofa, Emma wringing the handkerchief in her hands as she began to search for the words to explain. “I don’t even know where to start. Something most unpleasant happened yesterday, and I fear that I may have harmed my friend.”
Anna reacted with a concerned look on her face. Clearly this was not what Anna had expected to be the source of Emma’s troubles. “Hannah? Whatever has possibly occurred?”
Emma reached up to dab at the tear that was lingering in the corner of her eye. She looked at Anna and chewed on her lower lip. “It was never my intention to inflict pain upon her, or anyone for that matter. My intentions were just the opposite.”
“Ja vell, misunderstandings do happen, and quite often, my dear Emma. I can’t imagine anything so awful as to make you this distraught!” She let her arm drop from Emma’s shoulders and folded her hands, resting them primly in her lap. “Now, why don’t you tell me exactly what transpired and from the beginning? Mayhaps that would help us both make sense of the situation.”
Emma gave a heavy sigh. How could she explain? She didn’t even know where to start. “I don’t even know how it happened, but Paul Esh . . . ” She stopped talking, trying to find the right words, but she was at a loss for words. Instead a blush of humiliation covered her cheeks.
The slight pause in Emma’s words gave Anna the chance to interrupt, a knowing smile coming upon her face. “Ah, so Paul Esh has come courting you at last, is that it?”
Stunned, Emma stared at Anna. “How . . . how did you know?”
Anna reached out and patted Emma’s hand, a gesture of comfort a
nd support that was usually shared between mother and daughter. “Vell, I certainly had my suspicions over the past year with his frequent visits and Sunday suppers at the house. Of course, just the other week I saw him gazing upon you when you were visiting with Irene. To another woman’s eyes, his intentions were most clear, Emma.”
“Not to me, they weren’t!”
A laugh escaped Anna’s lips. “It usually isn’t, that is true!”
“Vell, that’s not all.” Emma swallowed, trying to find the courage to admit the rest. “I thought he was intending to pursue Hannah. Now, regrettably, I fear that she has set her expectations upon that very thought.”
Anna raised an eyebrow and stared at Emma. “Why would she have done such a thing? Has Paul made promises to her?”
“Nee, nee,” she exclaimed. “It’s not like that.” Shutting her eyes, Emma slumped back into the sofa. Oh, the misery, she thought. Why hadn’t she listened to Gideon when he had warned her so many weeks ago? “This is all my fault, Anna. It was my hand in suggesting that he was interested in her.”
“Oh, Emma . . . ”
The disappointment in Anna’s voice hurt Emma almost as much as the knowledge that she had unintentionally harmed her friend. Sitting forward, she pounded her fist against her knee and scowled, realizing that she was disappointed in herself. She went on: “I was so certain that he was interested, with his compliments about the quilt and the Bible verse that he gave to us for her project. I had left them both alone on several occasions and had witnessed their pleasant interaction upon my return. And I even had a hand in her turning down that Ralph Martin . . . ”
“The nice farmer who leases Gideon’s land?” Anna frowned. “Why would you have done such a thing, Emma? He’s a lovely, godly man!”
Lifting her hands to her eyes, Emma rubbed them, frustrated with her own feelings of inadequacy. “So I have come to hear over and over again,” she cried. “I will never try to matchmake again, Anna.”