by Sarah Price
“That is a wise decision, Emma. What is it the Bible says? ‘For we hear that some among you are leading an undisciplined life, doing no work at all, but acting like busybodies.’ And you, of all people, know that courtship is a matter better left to the two individuals who are courting. It has been our way, the Amish way, for endless generations, and that is how it is meant to be. The privacy of such decisions saves the people who make them from such embarrassment, should things not quite work out, don’t you reckon?”
Despite the gentle nature of Anna’s reprimand, at those words, Emma started to sob, the tears finally spilling from her eyes. “I did act exactly like a busybody, didn’t I? I’m so ashamed of myself!” Emma pulled at the handkerchief. “How will I ever face Hannah again?”
“Dear Emma, the Lord has always taught us that we must admit our sins directly and face those we have affected just as we face Him: with honesty and true remorse. The best way is to be straightforward and to the point, don’t you agree? Knowing your friend, Hannah will recognize that your intentions were nothing more than the utmost of admirable. Whatever you did, you did it for her in the spirit of true friendship; Hannah will be the first one to recognize it. Forgiveness will be right behind your confession, of that I’m sure.”
“We are to attend an applesauce canning this Friday at Hetty’s,” Emma sniffled. “I reckon I should try to confess to her before then. It would probably ruin her day to be told on Friday, and I don’t think I can keep this inside me much longer! It’s eating me alive, Anna. What do you think?”
“I dare not try to imagine how you feel, Emma” she replied sympathetically. “It should be a lesson to you, though. Only God can control such things, not you.”
“I know,” Emma cried. “Oh, how I know that now!”
“So when will you tell her?” Anna asked, trying to refocus Emma on the problem at hand.
“Wednesday,” she stated after giving it a moment’s thought. “She had said that she would come visiting on Wednesday, since she is working at market today and tomorrow. I suppose that Wednesday will have to do.”
Anna nodded her head. “I should think that would be a fine time, and it would certainly give her a day or two to digest the news before going to the applesauce canning.” There was a new gentleness to her voice, and the look in her eyes let Emma know that she was forgiven, as far as Anna was concerned. “And don’t fret too much. Hannah is young, Emma. She will find her heart mended rather quickly, I dare say.” There was a wistful look in Anna’s eyes. “She is not the first young woman to have her hopes disappointed, I’m sure.”
Sniffling, Emma nodded her head and offered a timid smile. She knew that Anna was correct. There was nothing left to do but to go directly to Hannah and confess what she had learned by way of Paul Esh’s sharing his interest in herself rather than in Hannah. Hiding the truth would only lay a burden of self-inflicted guilt upon her own head and, Emma feared, create a growing strain upon their friendship. And that fear, that her meddling might have ruined what had looked to be such a great, lifelong friendship, was the one that caused Emma the most pain.
Chapter Nine
IT WAS WITH grave apprehension and a lump in her throat that Emma waited for Hannah’s arrival at her home on Wednesday. While she was eager to explain what had transpired and to apologize for what she now saw as her intrusion and meddling into Hannah’s life, she had mixed feelings about meeting with her friend. After all, she hadn’t seen Hannah since Paul’s most awkward proposal on Sunday after the communion service. The past three days had seemed to drag, time frozen as she waited for the moment when she would have to confess what happened and ask for forgiveness.
She knew that Hannah had been busy working at the local market in town for a neighbor woman who had fallen down a stair, twisting her ankle. It had been a good sign that one of Gladys’s neighbors had asked Hannah. It certainly meant that the community accepted her. However, since Emma needed to have the discussion in person, rather than by letter or even by calling Gladys’s house on a neighbor’s telephone, she had no choice but to wait until Hannah could visit, a delay that had left Emma alone with her own feelings of shame.
Now that the day was upon her, the day that she would finally have the opportunity to face Hannah and confess her dreadful sin, as she had finally come to look upon her deed, Emma found that she was emotionally torn. The thought of hurting her friend’s feelings caused Emma great pain. If only she did not have to tell Hannah, she thought repeatedly.
Yet Emma also found herself hoping that the confession would free her soul from the self-inflicted punishment of constantly berating herself. Over and over she had chastised herself for butting in on a situation that was none of her business. The horrible feelings that went along with this realization were punishment enough and almost more than Emma could bear.
She spent the morning pacing in the kitchen while trying to find both the courage and the right words she needed for sharing the news with Hannah. In her mind nothing sounded even remotely gentle and kind enough to communicate the impending letdown to her friend.
At one point Henry walked into the kitchen and stood, just for a moment, at the door, watching her with a mixture of curiosity and concern on his face.
“Wie gehts, Dochder?”
“Daed!” His presence surprised her and she jumped, her hand rising to her chest as if to still her beating heart.
There was a thoughtful gaze in his eyes as he stared at his daughter. At that moment it dawned on Emma that, mayhaps, her daed also suspected Paul was sweet on her. If that were the case, it explained why her daed had insisted on Gideon bringing him home from church, thus leaving the perfect opportunity for Paul to have some time alone with Emma. Of course, her daed would never think to ask if she was courting Paul. Such relationships were usually kept secret to avoid the embarrassment of situations similar to what Emma was currently facing. For him to know what actually transpired would only be one more complication to deal with, Emma thought.
Still she easily could see from his expression that he suspected something serious was on her mind. Whether he was expecting, or merely just hoping, that she was trying to figure out a way to tell him that she was to wed Paul Esh, Emma wasn’t certain. All she knew was that she would never breathe a word of the proposal to anyone besides Anna.
“Something troubling you, then?”
The look on his face expressed yet another emotion that Emma had not considered prior to this moment: apprehension. It dawned on her that, if she were to marry, whether it was to Paul Esh or anyone else for that matter, she would move away from the small house where she had been born and raised. The house that had seen her mature into a grown woman. The house that had witnessed all that had been said and done throughout her growing years. But it was also and mayhaps as importantly, the house where the bond between father and daughter had been forged, especially of late, since Emma had replaced Anna as his caretaker and the mistress of the house. If she were to marry, that would leave her daed alone in the house, a thought that she could not bear to think about. Certainly he too had made that connection, and while most likely grappling with his need to accept that Emma might marry one day, even though she often protested otherwise, he had never thought it would be one day soon.
“Nee, nee,” she said, doing her best to reassure him. “Just deep in thought.”
He didn’t look quite convinced.
“Honest, Daed,” she said with a forced smile. “Everything is right as rain!” She prayed that God would forgive the little white fib. It would be better for her daed to never know that Paul had proposed to her. Let him suspect but never know, she told herself. The last thing she needed was for her daed to catch wind of what had actually happened. After his warning just a short month prior about playing matchmaker, he would be most disappointed and opinionated about her role in this terrible misunderstanding. “I thought you were off to help Daniel Zook at his store today!”
“Ja, I am,” he confirmed, fi
nally choosing to believe her.
Despite Henry’s weak hands and poor eyesight, limiting the extent of his involvement with his friends and neighbors, he still found ways to help in the community. Daniel Zook was an old friend of Henry’s who ran a small leather goods store. From time to time Daniel needed to leave town on business and often asked Henry to mind his store and collect payments. If there was one thing Henry Weaver could do better than anyone else in the g’may, it was greeting and dealing with customers.
“But he doesn’t need me until nine thirty.” He glanced at the clock that hung on the wall over the kitchen window. It was ten minutes after nine. “I’ve come inside to let you know that I’m leaving now.”
She responded with a simple nod of her head.
He glanced at her one last time. “Your shoulders sure do seem heavy with burden, Emma. If there is something you wish to tell me, I could spare a few minutes.”
“Nothing that I can’t handle, Daed,” she replied with another forced smile. His good opinion of her meant more than anything in the world. To confide in him meant risking that. She contemplated asking for his advice, but after talking to Anna, she decided that her meddling had done enough damage, and to share the intimate details of what had passed between her and Paul would only continue the possible harm, not just to her standing in the community but also to Paul’s. Her daed would be embarrassed to know that she had refused him, that was for sure and certain.
With a quick glance at the counter, she diverted his attention with a quick, “And you almost forgot the cooler with your dinner that I packed! We can’t have that, can we now? You’d be forced to eat someone else’s food and it would be full of nonorganic things, for sure and certain.”
The teasing tone of her words went unnoticed by her daed. “Bless you, Emma,” he replied. “So thoughtful of you to have packed it for me.”
And with that, his concern evaporated as he took the cooler, planted a soft kiss upon her forehead, and left Emma to herself, to continue her fretting in peace.
Promptly at ten o’clock Hannah arrived with a smile on her face and a warm embrace for her friend. The greeting only caused Emma a tightening in her chest, and she felt herself fighting back tears just as Hannah pulled away.
“What is wrong, Emma? Is everything all right at home? Is it your daed?”
“Nee, nee,” Emma quickly responded. “He’s fine. Tired more frequently, ja, but fine.”
Hannah set down her purse on the counter and turned to face Emma. “Then what is it? Tell me, dear Emma.”
Clearing her throat, Emma dove forward by replying, “I fear I have some bad news, Hannah. Come, let’s sit.” Emma forced herself to guide Hannah to the sitting area where they could face each other from the comfort of the sofa. “I fear that my news has to do with someone else: Paul Esh.”
A look of grave concern crossed Hannah’s face, the color draining from her cheeks. “Oh, dear. Has something happened? Is he ill?”
“He is not ill,” Emma was quick to counter, her heart torn at Hannah’s quickness to worry about the well-being of the young man, the very young man who had nary a care for her in return. “However, something has happened.” She paused, searching for the proper words. Despite her days of trying to prepare the words to break the news to her friend, Emma realized that actually speaking to her was harder than she had anticipated. With a deep breath she reached out and took Hannah’s hands into hers. For a few seconds she stared at her friend, forcing herself to meet her eyes, even though she would have much preferred to look away. “I . . . I have to confess to you something that has been weighing heavy on my heart. Unfortunately I haven’t had the chance to see you until now . . . ”
“Don’t delay any longer, Emma,” Hannah said, her voice edged with panic. “Tell me, please.”
The time had come to disclose what she so dreaded unveiling. With a deep breath Emma bowed her head as she spoke. “I fear that I have been gravely mistaken in my opinion about Paul Esh. While he has occupied much of our time, interest, and discourse, I have come to learn that he was not interested in courting you.”
“Oh.” The slight gasp that escaped Hannah’s lips spoke of her surprise at Emma’s announcement. “Might I ask how you came to this realization?”
It was the question that Emma had been dreading. She had hoped that Hannah would not ask it. Perhaps she did not have to answer it after all. To confide the truth would hurt her friend even more as well as break the confidence that she had shared with Paul. His proposal, while unexpected on Emma’s part, was not something to be shared. She had weighed her options over the past few days and knew that, if asked, she would have to find a way to convey the truth without causing further injury to Paul or distrust toward her.
“He confided in me, Hannah,” she began slowly. “He informed me that his interest was not in you but . . . ” She paused and swallowed, averting her eyes. “His interest was somewhere else.” Another pause. “With someone else.”
Clearly this news stunned Hannah. The color drained from her face and she gasped. “Someone else? Oh!” Gone was the previous joy she had exuded when she had walked into the house. The expression of pain on her face ripped at Emma’s conscience.
“I’m afraid so.”
“Who?” Hannah ventured to ask, her voice trembling slightly.
Emma took a deep breath and lifted her chin, staring her friend in the eyes. “His interest, it seems, is in me.”
With a very soft voice Hannah simply stated, “I don’t understand” and tried to withdraw her hands from Emma’s. She was met with resistance.
“I didn’t understand either!” Emma responded quickly, holding on to Hannah’s hands as tight as she could. “I never once suspected it, and it took me quite by surprise. I can assure you that I do not reciprocate those feelings, nor will I ever.” Realizing how that last part sounded, she quickly added, “My interest in Paul Esh was only on your behalf.”
“I . . . I see.”
Emma wished she could read Hannah’s mind. What was she thinking? Did she think that Emma had deliberately and willfully stolen her intended beau? Such a consideration tore at Emma’s heart. To be thought of in such a light upset her greatly, for she always strove to be considered an upright and honorable person. Someone who encouraged a friend to pursue a young man and then tried to steal his affections was neither of these things.
“Oh, Hannah!” she cried, the emotion in her voice unmistakable and sincere. “I am so terribly sorry. My meddling has proven to be my downfall, although it was only with the best intentions, I assure you. How can you ever forgive me?”
It took a moment for Hannah to respond. She stood up and walked across the floor, her back to Emma as she stood by the kitchen table. With hunched shoulders, she appeared deflated, as if the wind had been knocked from her. Reaching down, she ran a finger along the back of a chair. Her mind was elsewhere as she digested this news that Emma had shared with her; as for Emma, she waited patiently for Hannah to speak.
“I suppose that was a rather ambitious dream,” she whispered. “I mean, who am I to marry someone like Paul Esh?”
“That’s not true!” Emma cried. “What is ambition anyway? To think that you are less than another and must work hard to prove yourself? You did not have an overly ambitious dream, Hannah! You can achieve great things!”
Hannah turned around, and despite the sorrow in her eyes, she smiled. It was a sad smile for she finally understood. “Nee, it is true,” she replied calmly. “Someone of Paul’s standing in the community would not court a simple plain country girl like me.”
If Emma wanted to argue, she knew that she couldn’t. Paul had almost admitted as much to her when he had sought Emma’s hand. His comments had haunted her as much as the misunderstanding that had resulted from her interference in Hannah’s personal affairs. So instead of contradicting her friend, Emma merely said, “Paul Esh is a fool if he doesn’t see how wunderbaar you are, Hannah! And if he puts himself above others,
he has only God to answer to on that! He will be missing out on a right gut fraa!”
“Mayhaps,” Hannah reluctantly admitted. It was obvious, however, that she did not believe that. With her confidence destroyed and her heart broken, there were few words that would be able to comfort her at the present moment; that much was clear to Emma.
“Hannah,” she said softly. “I thought I could help you acclimate into the community, and I was so hopeful that I was correct about a match between you and Paul. I misread his feelings. I should never have gotten involved. I fear that I have failed you as a friend as well as a sister in Christ. I can only, once again, ask for your forgiveness for having tried to play a hand in this confused mess.” She looked up and pleaded with her eyes. “Please, Hannah, will you be able to forgive me?”
“My dear Emma, how could I not forgive you?” Hannah smiled through her tears. “While I am most disappointed in your news, I know that you would never intentionally lead me astray.”
Jumping to her feet, Emma ran to her friend and they embraced. Tears fell from Hannah’s eyes, but she laughed as she cried. Emma joined her, letting fall the tears that she had been holding back since Sunday. For a few long moments they cried on each other’s shoulders, offering words of comfort and an occasional, tearful laugh at the situation.
Wiping at her face, Hannah was the first to break the embrace. She pulled back and took a deep breath, as if seeking an inner strength that she did not feel. “I shall have to be brave and face this news with the strength of the Lord behind me and know that some day He shall guide me to my proper husband, if that is indeed His will.”
Emma placed her hands on Hannah’s shoulders and stared at her, determined to show her own confidence in what she was about to say. “You will find your husband, Hannah. God will lead you to him; you can be sure and certain of that. You believe me, ja?”