Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 1

by Jeff Kinney

  a wrestling unit.

  But I decided if I don’t want to get twisted

  into a pretzel for the next month and a half, I’d

  better do my homework on this wrestling business.

  77

  So I rented a couple of video games to learn

  some moves. And you know what? After a while,

  I was really starting to get the hang of it.

  does this

  feel right?

  yes! no!

  help!

  In fact, the other kids in my class had better

  look out, because if I keep this up, I could be a

  real threat.

  78

  Then again, I better make sure I don’t do

  too good. This kid named Preston Mudd got

  named Athlete of the Month for being the best

  player in the basketball unit, so they put his

  picture up in the hallway.

  P.Mudd

  Athlete of the

  Month

  It took people about five seconds to realize how

  “P. Mudd” sounded when you said it out loud,

  and after that, it was all over for Preston.

  pee

  mud!

  pee

  mud!

  79

  Thursday

  Well, I found out today that the kind of wrestling

  Mr. Underwood is teaching is completely

  different from the kind they do on tv.

  First of all, we have to wear these things called

  “singlets,” which look like those bathing suits

  they used to wear in the 1800s.

  And second of all, there are no pile drivers or

  hitting people over the heads with chairs or

  anything like that.

  There’s not even a ring with ropes around it.

  It’s just basically a sweaty mat that smells like

  it’s never been washed before.

  80

  Mr. Underwood started asking for volunteers so

  he could demonstrate some wrestling holds, but

  there was no way I was going to raise my hand.

  Me and Rowley tried to hide out in the back of

  the gym near the curtain, but that’s where the

  girls were doing their gymnastics unit.

  hee hee

  hee!

  We got out of there in a hurry, and we went

  back to where the rest of the guys were.

  Mr. Underwood singled me out, probably because

  I’m the lightest kid in the class, and he could

  toss me around without straining himself. He

  showed everybody how to do all these things

  called a “half nelson” and a “reversal” and a

  “takedown” and stuff like that.

  81

  When he was doing this one move called the

  “fireman’s carry,” I felt a breeze down below,

  and I could tell my singlet wasn’t doing a good

  job keeping me covered up.

  That’s when I thanked my lucky stars the

  girls were on the other side of the gym.

  Mr. Underwood divided us up into weight groups.

  I was pretty happy about that at first,

  because it meant I wasn’t going to have to

  wrestle kids like Benny Wells, who can bench-press

  250 pounds.

  82

  But then I found out who I DiD have to wrestle,

  and I would have traded for Benny Wells in a

  heartbeat.

  greg, you’ll be

  paired up with

  fregley here.

  Fregley was the only kid light enough to be in my

  weight class. And apparently Fregley was paying

  attention when Mr. Underwood was giving

  instructions, because he pinned me every which way

  you could imagine. I spent my seventh period

  getting WAy more familiar with Fregley than I

  ever wanted to be.

  tweet!

  83

  Tuesday

  This wrestling unit has totally turned our school

  upside down. Now kids are wrestling in the hallways,

  in the classrooms, you name it. But the fifteen

  minutes after lunch where they let us outside is

  the worst.

  You can’t walk five feet without tripping over a

  couple of kids going at it. I just try to keep

  my distance. And mark my words, one of these

  fools is going to roll right onto the Cheese and

  start the Cheese Touch all over again.

  84

  My other big problem is that I have to wrestle

  Fregley every single day. But this morning I

  realized something. If I can move out of

  Fregley’s weight class, I won’t have to wrestle

  him anymore.

  So today, I stuffed my clothes with a bunch of

  socks and shirts to get myself into the next

  weight class.

  But I was still too light to move up.

  I realized I was gonna have to gain weight for

  real. At first I thought I should just start

  loading up on junk food, but then I had a much

  better idea.

  85

  I decided to gain my weight in muscle, not fat.

  I’ve never been all that interested in getting in

  shape before, but this wrestling unit has made me

  rethink things.

  I figure if I bulk up now, it could actually come

  in handy down the road.

  The football unit is coming in the spring, and

  they split the teams up into shirts and skins.

  And I AlWAys get put on skins.

  I think they do that to make all the out-of-shape

  kids feel ashamed of themselves.

  unh!

  86

  If I can pack on some muscle now, it’ll be a

  whole different story next April.

  Tonight, after dinner, I got Mom and Dad

  together and told them my plan. I told them I

  was going to need some serious exercise equipment,

  and some weight-gain powder, too.

  I showed them some muscle magazines I got at

  the store so they could see how ripped I was

  going to be.

  greg heffley,

  you’re on

  skins.

  rrippp

  87

  Mom didn’t really say anything at first, but Dad

  was pretty enthusiastic. I think he was just

  glad I had a change of heart from how I used

  to be when I was a kid—

  if you work

  out regularly,

  you can get

  big muscles!

  muscles

  are

  gross!

  But Mom said if I wanted a weight set, I was

  going to have to prove that I could stick with

  an exercise regimen. She said I could do that by

  doing sit-ups and jumping jacks for two weeks.

  I had to explain that the only way to get

  totally bulked up is to get the kind of high-tech

  machines they have at the gym, but Mom didn’t

  want to hear it.

  88

  Then Dad said if I wanted a bench press, I

  should keep my fingers crossed for Christmas.

  But Christmas is a month and a half away. And

  if I get pinned by Fregley one more time, I’m

  gonna have a nervous breakdown.

  So it looks like Mom and Dad aren’t going to be

  any help. And that means I’m going to have to

  take matters into my own hands, as usual.

  Saturday

  I couldn’
t wait to start my weight-training

  program today. Even though Mom wouldn’t let

  me get the equipment I needed, I wasn’t going

  to let that hold me back.

  89

  So I went into the fridge and emptied out the

  milk and orange juice and filled the jugs with

  sand. Then I taped them to a broomstick, and

  I had myself a pretty decent barbell.

  milk

  After that, I made a bench press out of an

  ironing board and some boxes. Once I had that

  all set, I was ready to do some serious lifting.

  I needed a spotting partner, so I called

  Rowley. And when he showed up at my door

  wearing some ridiculous getup, I knew I made

  a mistake inviting him.

  90

  I made Rowley use the bench press first, mostly

  because I wanted to see if the broomstick was

  going to hold up.

  He did about five reps, and he was ready to

  quit, but I wouldn’t let him. That’s what a

  good training partner is for, to push you

  beyond your limits.

  I knew Rowley wasn’t going to be as serious

  about weight lifting as I was, so I decided to

  try out an experiment to test his dedication.

  fifteen more!

  come on!

  In the middle of Rowley’s set, I went and got

  this phony nose and mustache Rodrick has in his

  junk drawer.

  91

  And right when Rowley had the barbell in the

  “down” position, I leaned over and looked at him.

  Sure enough, Rowley totally lost his

  concentration. He couldn’t even get the barbell

  off his chest. I thought about helping him out,

  but then I realized that if Rowley didn’t get

  serious about working out, he was never going to

  get to my level.

  fpoooo!

  gasp

  sputter

  I eventually had to rescue him, because he started

  biting the milk jug to let the sand leak out.

  92

  After Rowley got off the bench press, it was

  time for my set. But Rowley said he didn’t feel

  like working out anymore, and he went home.

  You know, I figured he’d pull something like that.

  But I guess you can’t expect everyone to have

  the same kind of dedication as you.

  Wednesday

  Today in Geography we had a quiz, and I have

  to say, I’ve been looking forward to this one for

  a long time.

  The quiz was on state capitals, and I sit in

  the back of the room, right next to this giant

  map of the United States. All the capitals are

  written in big red print, so I knew I had this

  one in the bag.

  93

  But right before the test got started, Patty

  Farrell piped up from the front of the room.

  teacher!

  teacher!

  Patty told Mr. Ira that he should cover up the

  United States map before we got started.

  nice

  catch,

  patty!

  So thanks to Patty, I ended up flunking the

  quiz. And I will definitely be looking for a way

  to pay her back for that one.

  94

  Thursday

  Tonight Mom came up to my room, and she had a

  flyer in her hand. As soon as I saw it, I knew

  eXActly what it was.

  It was an announcement that the school is having

  tryouts for a winter play. Man, I should have

  thrown that thing out when I saw it on the

  kitchen table.

  I BeGGeD her not to make me sign up. Those

  school plays are always musicals, and the last

  thing I need is to have to sing a solo in front

  of the whole school.

  But all my begging seemed to do was make Mom

  more sure I should do it.

  95

  Mom said the only way I was going to be

  “well-rounded” was by trying different things.

  Dad came in my room to see what was going on.

  I told Dad that Mom was making me sign up for

  the school play, and that if I had to start

  going to play practices, it would totally mess up

  my weight-lifting schedule.

  I knew that would make Dad take my side. Dad

  and Mom argued for a few minutes, but Dad was

  no match for Mom.

  So that means tomorrow I’ve got to audition

  for the school play.

  Friday

  The play they’re doing this year is “The Wizard

  of Oz.” A lot of kids came wearing costumes for

  the parts they were trying out for.

  96

  I’ve never even seen the movie, so for me, it

  was like walking into a freak show.

  Mrs. Norton, the music director, made everyone

  sing “My Country ’Tis of Thee” so she could hear

  our singing voices. I did my singing tryouts with

  a bunch of other boys whose moms made them

  come, too. I tried to sing as quietly as possible,

  but of course I got singled out, anyway.

  what a

  lovely

  soprano!

  97

  I have no idea what a “soprano” is, but from

  the way some of the girls were giggling, I knew

  it wasn’t a good thing.

  Tryouts went on forever. The grand finale came

  with auditions for Dorothy, who I guess is the

  lead character in the play.

  And who should try out first but Patty Farrell.

  I thought about trying out for the part of the

  Witch, because I heard that in the play, the

  Witch does all sorts of mean things to Dorothy.

  But then somebody told me there’s a Good Witch

  and a Bad Witch, and with my luck, I’d end up

  getting picked to be the good one.

  Tap

  Tap

  Tap

  Tap

  Tap

  Tap

  98

  Monday

  I was hoping Mrs. Norton would just cut me from

  the play, but today she said that everyone who

  tried out is going to get a part. So lucky me.

  Mrs. Norton showed “The Wizard of Oz” movie

  so everyone would know the story. I was trying

  to figure out what part I should play, but

  pretty much every character has to sing or dance

  at one point or another. But about halfway

  through the movie, I figured out what part I

  wanted to sign up for. I’m going to sign up to

  be a Tree, because 1) they don’t have to sing

  and 2) they get to bean Dorothy with apples.

  99

  Getting to peg Patty Farrell with apples in

  front of a live audience would be my dream come

  true. I may actually have to thank Mom for

  making me do this play once it’s all over.

  After the movie ended, I signed up to be a Tree.

  Unfortunately, a bunch of other guys had the

  same idea as me, so I guess there are a lot of

  guys who have a bone to pick with Patty Farrell.

  Wednesday

  Well, like Mom always says, be careful what you

  wish for. I got picked to be a Tree, but I

  don’t know if that’s such a good thing. The

  Tree costumes don’t actually
have arm holes, so

  I guess that rules out any apple-throwing.

  100

  I should probably feel lucky that I got a

  speaking part at all. They had too many kids

  trying out, and not enough roles, so they had

  to start making up characters.

  Rodney James tried out to be the Tin Man, but

  he got stuck with being the Shrub.

  Friday

  Remember how I said I was lucky to get a

  speaking part? Well, today I found out I only

  have one line in the whole play. I say it when

  Dorothy picks an apple off my branch.

  ouch.

  pluck

  101

  That means I have to go to a two-hour practice

  every day just so I can say one stupid word.

  I’m starting to think Rodney James got a better

  deal as the Shrub. He found a way to sneak a

  video game into his costume, and I’ll bet that

  really makes the time go by.

  beep

  boop

  beep

  boop

  So now I’m trying to think of ways to get Mrs.

  Norton to kick me out of the play. But when

  you only have one word to say, it’s really hard to

  mess up your lines.

  owwwchhh?

  pluck

  102

  December

  Thursday

  The play is only a couple of days away, and I

  have no idea how we’re going to pull this thing off.

  First of all, nobody has bothered to learn their

  lines, and that’s all Mrs. Norton’s fault.

  During rehearsal, Mrs. Norton whispers everyone’s

  lines to them from the side of the stage.

  I’ll get

  you, my

  pretty!

  I get that

  you’re pretty!

  I wonder how it’s going to go next Tuesday

  when Mrs. Norton is sitting at her piano thirty

  feet away.

  103

  Another thing that’s screwing everything up is

  that Mrs. Norton keeps adding new scenes and

  new characters.

  Yesterday, she brought in this first-grader to

  play Dorothy’s dog, Toto. But today, the kid’s