Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 1

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Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 1 Page 7

by Jeff Kinney


  tall on its own if we wanted to have a shot at

  breaking the record. But the snowball got real

  heavy, and we had to take a bunch of breaks in

  between rolls so we could catch our breath.

  157

  grunt!

  wheeze!

  During one of our breaks, Mom came outside to go

  to the grocery store, but our snowball was blocking

  her car in. So we got a little free labor out of her.

  grunt!

  wheeze!

  After our break, me and Rowley pushed that

  snowball until we couldn’t push it any farther.

  But when we looked behind us, we saw the mess

  we had made.

  158

  The snowball had gotten so heavy that it tore

  up all the sod Dad had just laid down this fall.

  I was hoping it would snow a few more inches

  and cover up our tracks, but just like that, it

  stopped snowing.

  uh

  oh.

  Our plan to build the world’s biggest snowman

  was starting to fall apart. So I came up with a

  better idea for our snowball.

  Every time it snows, the kids from Whirley

  Street use our hill for sledding, even though this

  isn’t their neighborhood.

  159

  So tomorrow morning, when the Whirley Street

  kids come marching up our hill, me and Rowley are

  going to teach those guys a lesson.

  rumble

  rumble

  Thursday

  When I woke up this morning, the snow was

  already starting to melt. So I told Rowley to

  hurry up and get down to my house.

  While I was waiting for Rowley to show up, I

  watched Manny trying to build a snowman out of

  the piddly crumbs of snow that were left over

  from our snowball.

  160

  It was actually kind of pathetic.

  pat

  pat

  I really couldn’t help doing what I did next.

  Unfortunately for me, right at that moment,

  Dad was at the front window.

  yaah!

  punt

  161

  Dad was AlreADy mad at me for tearing up

  the sod, so I knew I was in for it. I heard the

  garage door open and I saw Dad coming outside.

  He marched right out carrying a snow shovel, and I

  thought I was going to have to make a run for it.

  But Dad was heading for my snowball, not me.

  And in less than a minute, he reduced all our

  hard work to nothing.

  162

  Rowley came by a few minutes later. I thought he

  might actually get a kick out of what happened.

  But I guess he had his heart set on rolling

  that snowball down the hill, and he was really

  mad. But get this: Rowley was mad at me for

  what DAD did.

  I told Rowley he was being a big baby, and we

  got in a shoving match. Right when it looked like

  we were going to get in an all-out fight, we got

  ambushed from the street.

  heh,

  heh.

  bap

  bap

  bap

  bap

  bap

  163

  It was a hit-and-run by the Whirley Street kids.

  And if Mrs. Levine, my English teacher, was

  there, I’m sure she would have said the whole

  situation was “ironic.”

  Today at school they announced there’s an opening

  for the cartoonist job in the school paper. There’s

  only one comic slot, and up until now this kid named

  Bryan Little has been hogging it all to himself.

  Wednesday

  164

  Bryan has this comic called “Wacky Dawg,” and

  when it started off, it was actually pretty funny.

  But lately, Bryan’s been using his strip to handle

  his personal business. I guess that’s why they

  gave him the axe.

  As soon as I heard the news, I knew I had to

  try out. “Wacky Dawg” made Bryan Little a

  celebrity at our school, and I wanted to get in

  on some of that kind of fame.

  I had a taste of what it’s like to be famous at

  my school when I won honorable mention in this

  antismoking contest they had.

  Wacky Dawg

  Bryan Little

  Hey,

  Wacky

  Dawg, say

  somethin’

  FUNNY!

  Actually,

  I have

  something

  serious on

  my mind

  today.

  Susan Lim, if you are reading this,

  Bryan is very sorry he kissed your

  best friend Rachel behind the

  lockers. He hopes you can find it in

  your heart to forgive him.

  P.S. Barry Palmer,

  you still owe Bryan

  five dollars, you

  BUM!

  165

  All I did was trace a picture from one of

  Rodrick’s heavy metal magazines, but luckily, no

  one ever found out.

  The kid who won first place is named Chris

  Carney. And what kind of ticks me off is that

  Chris smokes at least a pack of cigarettes a day.

  don’t smoke or

  you’ll look like me.

  Don’t Smoke.

  It’s a

  Joke.

  166

  Thursday

  Me and Rowley decided to team up and do a

  cartoon together. So after school today he came

  over to my house, and we got to work.

  We banged out a bunch of characters real

  quick, but that turned out to be the easy

  part. When we tried to think up some jokes,

  we kind of hit a wall.

  I finally came up with a good solution.

  I made up a cartoon where the punch line of

  every strip is “Zoo-Wee Mama!”

  That way we wouldn’t get bogged down with having

  to write actual jokes, and we could concentrate on

  the pictures.

  167

  For the first couple of strips, I did the writing

  and drew the characters, and Rowley drew the

  boxes around the pictures.

  Rowley started complaining that he didn’t have

  enough to do, so I let him write a few of the strips.

  Step on a crack,

  break your

  momma’s back!

  Yeah, right.

  Hey, Timmy, your

  mother slipped on a

  banana peel, and P.S.

  she is dead.

  zoo-wee

  mama!

  step

  168

  But to be honest with you, there was a pretty

  obvious drop in quality once Rowley started doing

  the writing.

  I have been

  waiting three

  hours to get

  a hamburger.

  Finally! One

  hamburger,

  please!

  I’m sorry, sir,

  we are all

  sold out.

  Eventually I got kind of sick of the “Zoo-Wee

  Mama” idea and I pretty much let Rowley take

  over the whole operation.

  zoo-wee

  mama!

  faint

  169

  And believe it or not, Rowley’s drawing skills

  are worse than his writin
g skills.

  I told Rowley maybe we should come up with

  some new ideas, but he just wanted to keep

  writing “Zoo-Wee Mamas.” Then he packed up

  his comics and went home, which was fine by me.

  I don’t really want to be partnered up with a

  kid who doesn’t draw noses, anyway.

  Oops I stepped

  in a puddle.

  At least it’s

  not an

  acid puddle.

  Ay-ay-ay!

  It is an acid

  puddle!

  zoo-wee

  mama!

  170

  Friday

  After Rowley left yesterday, I really got to work

  on some comics. I came up with this character called

  Creighton the Cretin, and I got on a roll.

  creighton the cretin

  by Greg Heffley

  hi, my

  name is

  creighton.

  no it isn’t.

  your name is

  “stewart pid.”

  oops. hi, i’m

  stew pid.

  har har har har!

  171

  I must’ve banged out twenty strips, and I

  didn’t even break a sweat.

  The great thing about these “Creighton the Cretin”

  comics is that with all the idiots running around my

  school, I will never run out of new material.

  I wonder what

  is in this cute

  little box?

  that’s not a box, it’s a

  brick, you dumb moron!

  oops. i have been trying

  to open it all day.

  doctor, could i

  have a new butt?

  my old one has a

  crack in it.

  creighton, i told

  you a million times,

  everyone’s butt has

  a crack in it!

  oh yeah, i

  forgot.

  172

  When I got to school today, I took my comics

  to Mr. Ira’s office. He’s the teacher who runs

  the school newspaper.

  But when I went to turn my strips in, I saw

  that there was a pile of comics from other kids

  who were trying out for the job.

  Most of them were pretty bad, so I wasn’t too

  worried about the competition.

  Girls

  RULE!

  by tabitha

  cutter and

  lisa russel

  don’t walk near

  our lunch table,

  tyler green!

  yeah, you’re

  not even

  cute!

  ha ha ha ha ha

  ha ha ha ha!

  girls RULE!

  trip

  smack

  173

  One of the comics was called “Dumb Teachers,”

  and it was written by this kid named Bill Tritt.

  Bill is always in detention, so I guess he has a

  bone to pick with just about every teacher in the

  school, including Mr. Ira.

  Xtreme

  Sk8ers

  I’m gonna

  do this rad

  jump.

  Yo dude watch

  out for that

  telephone

  wire

  What

  ever

  Here

  I

  go

  I shore

  am glad

  I wore my

  helmet.

  darn

  slice

  bonk

  ouch.

  the end

  174

  So I’m not too worried about the chances of

  Bill’s comic getting in, either.

  There were actually one or two decent comics in

  the bin. But I slipped them under a pile of

  paperwork on Mr. Ira’s desk.

  Hopefully, those ones won’t turn up until I’m

  in high school.

  Hey, Mr. Ira,

  you pooped

  your pants

  again.

  Yuh

  Huh!

  Nuh

  Uh!

  Stink

  lines

  (from the poop.)

  slip

  175

  Thursday

  Today, during morning announcements, I got

  the news I was hoping for.

  The paper came out today at lunch time, and

  everyone was reading it.

  I really wanted to pick up a copy to see my

  name in print, but I decided to just play it cool

  for a while instead.

  and the new

  cartoonist for the

  school paper is...

  greg heffley!

  176

  I sat at the end of the lunch table so there

  would be plenty of room for me to start signing

  autographs for my new fans. But nobody was coming

  over to tell me how great my comic was, and I

  started to get the feeling something was wrong.

  I grabbed a paper and went into the bathroom

  to check it out. And when I saw my comic, I

  practically had a heart attack.

  Mr. Ira told me he had made some “minor

  edits” to my comic. I thought he just meant he

  he fixed spelling mistakes and stuff like that, but

  he totally butchered it.

  The comic he ruined was one of my favorite ones,

  too. In the original, Creighton the Cretin is taking

  a math test, and he accidentally eats it. And then

  the teacher yells at him for being such a moron.

  177

  By the time Mr. Ira was done with it, you

  practically couldn’t recognize it as the same strip.

  So I’m pretty sure I won’t be signing autographs

  anytime soon.

  Creighton the Curious Student

  by Gregory Heffley

  Teacher, if x + 43 = 89,

  then what would x be?

  Creighton, x would be 46!

  Thanks. Kids, if you want to learn

  more about math, be sure to visit

  Mr. Humphrey during his office

  hours. Or visit the library and

  check out the newly expanded

  Math and Science section!

  teacher’s

  pet!

  shove

  178

  March

  Wednesday

  Me and Rowley were enjoying our hot chocolate

  in the cafeteria with the rest of the Patrols

  today, and there was an announcement on the

  loudspeaker.

  Rowley went down to Mr. Winsky’s office, and

  when Rowley came back fifteen minutes later, he

  looked pretty shaken up.

  Apparently Mr. Winsky got a call from a parent

  who said they witnessed Rowley “terrorizing”

  the kindergartners when he was supposed to be

  walking them home from school. And Mr. Winsky

  was really mad about it.

  rowley jefferson,

  report to mr.

  winsky’s office

  immediately.

  179

  Rowley said Mr. Winsky yelled at him for about

  ten minutes and said his actions “disrespected

  the badge.”

  You know, I think I might just know what this

  is all about. Last week, Rowley had to take a

  quiz during fourth period, so I walked the

  kindergartners home on my own.

  It had rained that morning, and there were a

  lot of worms on the sidewalk. So I decided to

  have some fun with the kids.

  eeeeeeee
!!!

  180

  But some neighborhood lady saw what I was

  doing, and she yelled at me from her front porch.

  It was Mrs. Irvine, who is friends with Rowley’s

  mom. She must have thought I was Rowley,

  because I was borrowing his coat. And I wasn’t

  about to correct her, either.

  I forgot about the whole incident until today.

  Anyway, Mr. Winsky told Rowley he’s going to

  have to apologize to the kindergartners tomorrow

  morning, and that he’s suspended from Patrols

  for a week.

  rowley jefferson,

  the principal is

  going to hear

  about this!

  yes,

  ma’am.

  181

  I knew I should probably just tell Mr. Winsky it

  was me who chased the kids with the worms. But

  I wasn’t ready to set the record straight just

  yet. I knew if I confessed, I’d lose my hot

  chocolate privileges. And that right there was

  enough to make me keep quiet for the time being.

  At dinner tonight, Mom could tell something

  was bothering me, so she came up to my room

  afterward to talk.

  I told her I was in a tough situation, and I

  didn’t know what to do.

  I got to give Mom credit for how she handled

  it. She didn’t try to pry and get all the details.

  All she said was that I should try to do the

  “right thing,” because it’s our choices that make

  us who we are.

  182

  I figure that’s pretty decent advice. But I’m still

  not 100% sure what I’m going to do tomorrow.

  Thursday

  Well, I was up all night tossing and turning

  over this Rowley situation, but I finally made

  up my mind. I decided the right thing to do

  was to just let Rowley take one for the team

  this time around.

  On the way home from school, I came clean with

  Rowley and told him the whole truth about what

  happened, and how it was me who chased the

  kids with the worms.

  i’m sorry i

  terrorized

  you children.

  183

  Then I told him there were lessons we could

  both learn from this. I told him I learned to be

  more careful about what I do in front of Mrs.

 

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