by Jeff Kinney
Irvine’s house, and that he learned a valuable
lesson, too, which is this: Be careful about who
you lend your coat to.
To be honest with you, my message didn’t seem
to be getting through to Rowley.
We were supposed to hang out after school
today, but he said he was just going to go home
and take a nap.
I couldn’t really blame him. Because if I didn’t
have my hot chocolate this morning, I wouldn’t
have had much energy, either.
i guess this has
been a learning
experience for
both of us!
184
When I got home, Mom was waiting for me at
the front door.
Mom took me out to get some ice cream as a special
treat. And what this whole episode has taught me
is that every once in a while, it’s not such a bad
idea to listen to your mother.
did you do
the right
thing?
yeah!
slurp
185
Tuesday
There was another announcement on the loudspeaker
today, and to be honest with you, I kind of
figured this one was coming.
I knew it was just a matter of time before I
got busted for what happened last week.
When I got to Mr. Winsky’s office, he was
really mad. Mr. Winsky told me that an
“anonymous source” had informed him that I
was the real culprit in the worm-chasing incident.
Then he told me I was relieved of my Safety
Patrol duties “effective immediately.”
greg heffley, please
report to mr.
winsky’s office.
sipppp...
186
Well, it doesn’t take a detective to figure out
that the anonymous source was Rowley.
I can’t believe Rowley went and backstabbed
me like that. While I was sitting there getting
chewed out by Mr. Winsky, I was thinking, I
need to remember to give my friend a lecture
about loyalty.
Later on today, Rowley got reinstated as a Patrol.
And get this: He actually got a Promotion.
Mr. Winsky said Rowley had “exhibited dignity
under false suspicion.”
187
I thought about really letting Rowley have it
for ratting me out like that, but then I
realized something.
In June, all the officers in the Safety Patrols
go on a trip to Six Flags, and they get to take
along one friend. I need to make sure Rowley
knows I’m his guy.
Tuesday
Like I said before, the worst part of getting
kicked off Safety Patrols is losing your hot
chocolate privileges.
Every morning, I go to the back door of the
cafeteria so Rowley can hook me up.
let me get
this for you,
“captain”!
188
But either my friend has gone deaf or he’s too
busy kissing the other officers’ butts to notice me
at the window.
In fact, now that I think of it, Rowley has been
totally giving me the cold shoulder lately. And
that’s really lame, because if I recall correctly,
He’s the one that sold me out.
Even though Rowley has been a total jerk lately,
I tried to break the ice with him today, anyway.
But even that didn’t seem to work.
psst!
psst!
hi,
pal!
189
April
Friday
Ever since the worm incident, Rowley has been
hanging out with Collin Lee every day after school.
What really stinks is that Collin is supposed to
be my backup friend.
Those guys are acting totally ridiculous. Today,
Rowley and Collin were wearing these matching
T-shirts, and it made me just about want to vomit.
After dinner tonight, I saw Rowley and Collin
walking up the hill together, chumming it up.
best
friends
190
Collin had his overnight bag, so I knew they
were going to do a sleepover at Rowley’s.
And I thought, Well, two can play at tHAt
game. The best way to get back at Rowley was
to get a new best friend of my own. But
unfortunately, the only person who came to mind
right at that moment was Fregley.
I went up to Fregley’s with my overnight bag so
Rowley could see I had other friend options, too.
When I got there, Fregley was in his front
yard stabbing a kite with a stick. That’s when
I started to think maybe this wasn’t the best
idea after all.
pant
pant
pant
191
But Rowley was in his front yard, and he was
watching me. So I knew there was no turning back.
I invited myself into Fregley’s house. His mom said
she was excited to see Fregley with a “playmate,”
which was a term I was not too enthusiastic about.
Me and Fregley went upstairs to his room.
Fregley tried to get me to play Twister with
him, so I made sure I stayed ten feet away
from him at all times.
I decided that I should just pull the plug on
this stupid idea and go home. But every time I
looked out the window, Rowley and Collin were
still in Rowley’s front yard.
192
I didn’t want to leave until those guys went back
inside. But things started to get out of hand with
Fregley pretty quickly. When I was looking out the
window, Fregley broke into my backpack and ate the
whole bag of jelly beans I had in there.
Fregley’s one of these kids who’s not supposed
to eat any sugar, so two minutes later, he was
bouncing off the walls.
Fregley started acting like a total maniac, and
he chased me all around his upstairs.
I kept thinking he was going to come down off
of his sugar high, but he didn’t. Eventually, I
locked myself in his bathroom to wait him out.
193
Around 11:30, it got quiet out in the hallway.
That’s when Fregley slipped a piece of paper
under the door.
I picked it up and read it.
Dear Gregory,
I’m very sorry I
chased you with a
booger on my finger.
Here, I put it on
this paper so you
can get me back.
slip
194
That’s the last thing I remember before I
blacked out.
I came to my senses a few hours later. After I
woke up, I cracked the door open, and I heard
snoring coming from Fregley’s room. So I decided
to make a run for it.
Mom and Dad were not happy with me for getting
them out of bed at 2:00 in the morning. But by
that point, I could really care less.
clack
195
Monday
Well, me and Rowley have officially been ex-friends
for about
a month now, and to be honest with
you, I’m better off without him.
I’m glad I can just do whatever I want without
having to worry about carrying all that dead
weight around.
Lately I’ve been hanging out in Rodrick’s room
after school and going through his stuff. The other
day, I found one of his middle school yearbooks.
Rodrick wrote on everybody’s picture in his
yearbook, so you can tell how he felt about all
the kids in his grade.
196
Every once in a while, I see Rodrick’s old classmates
around town. And I have to remember to thank
Rodrick for making church a lot more interesting.
But the page in Rodrick’s yearbook that’s
really interesting is the Class Favorites page.
That’s where they put pictures of the kids who
get voted Most Popular and Most Talented and
all that.
Jerk
Jerk
Cool
jerk.
197
Rodrick wrote on his Class Favorites page, too.
You know, this Class Favorites thing has really
got my gears turning.
If you can get yourself voted onto the Class
Favorites page, you’re practically an immortal.
Even if you don’t live up to what you got
picked for, it doesn’t really matter, because it’s
on permanent record.
People still treat Bill Watson like he’s something
special, even though he ended up dropping out of
high school.
MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED
Netd
Bill Watson
Kathy Nguyen
198
We still run into him at the Food Barn every
once in a while.
So here’s what I’m thinking: This school year
has been kind of a bust, but if I can get voted
as a Class Favorite, I’ll go out on a high note.
I’ve been trying to think of a category I have
a shot at. Most Popular and Most Athletic are
definitely out, so I’m going to have to find
something that’s a little bit more in reach.
At first I thought maybe I should wear really
nice clothes for the rest of the year so I can
get Best Dressed.
will that be
paper or
plastic, ma’am?
199
But that would mean I would have to get my
picture taken with Jenna Stewart, and she
dresses like a Pilgrim.
Wednesday
Last night I was lying in bed, and it hit me: I
should go for Class Clown.
It’s not like I’m known for being real funny at
school or anything, but if I can pull off one big
prank right before voting, that could do it.
yeeoww!
thumb
tack
May
Thursday
Today I was trying to figure out how I was
going to sneak a thumbtack onto Mr. Worth’s
chair in History when he said something that
made me rethink my plan.
Mr. Worth told us he has a dentist’s appointment
tomorrow, so we’re going to have a substitute.
Subs are like comic gold. You can say just about
anything you want, and you can’t get in trouble.
greg heffley,
will you please
do this problem?
your mama!
excuse me?
your big
fanny granny!
well, i hardly
think that’s...
your slap-
happy
grandpappy!
201
Friday
I walked into my History class today, ready
to execute my plan. But when I got to the
door, guess who the substitute teacher was?
Of all the people in the world to be our sub
today, it was Mom. I thought Mom’s days of
getting involved at my school were over.
She used to be one of those parents who came
in to help out in the classroom. But that all
changed after Mom volunteered to be a
chaperone for our field trip to the zoo when
I was in third grade.
hi, honey
bunches!
202
Mom had prepared all sorts of material to help us
kids appreciate the different exhibits, but all
anyone wanted to do was watch the animals go
to the bathroom.
Anyway, Mom totally foiled my plan to win Class
Clown. I’m just lucky there’s not a category
called Biggest Mama’s Boy, because after today,
I’d win that one in a landslide.
hee hee hee hee!
elephants
you forgot
your lunch
at home!
203
Wednesday
The school paper came out again today. I quit
my job as school cartoonist after “Creighton the
Curious Student” came out, and I didn’t really
care who they picked to replace me.
But everyone was laughing at the comics page at
lunch, so I picked up a copy to see what was so
funny. And when I opened it up, I couldn’t
believe my eyes.
It was “Zoo-Wee Mama.” And of course Mr. Ira
didn’t change a single word of Rowley’s strip.
Zoo-Wee Mama
by Rowley Jefferson
Hey beautiful
lady do you
want to go
on a date
with me?
I am not a
lady I am just
one of those dogs
with long hair
so no thanks
to that date.
zoo-wee
mama!
204
So now Rowley’s getting all the fame that was
supposed to be mine.
Even the teachers are kissing Rowley’s butt. I
almost lost my lunch when Mr. Worth dropped his
chalk in History class—
will you put
us in your
comic?
sure!
heh, heh.
zoo-wee
mama!
ha ha
ha!
ha ha
ha!
205
Monday
This “Zoo-Wee Mama” thing has really got me
worked up. Rowley is getting all the credit for a
comic that we came up with together. I figured
the least he could do was put my name on the
strip as the co-creator.
So I went up to Rowley after school and told
him that’s what he was gonna have to do. But
Rowley said “Zoo-Wee Mama” was all His idea
and that I didn’t have anything to do with it.
I guess we must’ve been talking pretty loud,
because the next thing you knew, we attracted
a crowd.
fight! fight!
fight!
fight! fight!
fight!
206
The kids at my school are AlWAys itching to
see a fight. Me and Rowley tried to walk away,
but those guys weren’t going to let us go until
they saw us throw some punches.
I’ve never been in a real fight before, so I didn’t
know how I was supposed to stand or hold my
didn’t know what he was doing either, because he
just started prancing around like a leprechaun.
I was pretty sure I could take Rowley in a
fight, but the thing that made me nervous was
the fact that Rowley takes karate. I don’t know
what kind of hocus-pocus they teach in Rowley’s
karate classes, but the last thing I needed was
for him to lay me out right there on the blacktop.
207
Before me or Rowley made a move, there was a
screeching sound in the school parking lot. A
bunch of teenagers had stopped their pickup
truck, and they started piling out.
I was just happy that everyone’s attention was
on the teenagers instead of me and Rowley. But
all the other kids took off when the teenagers
started heading our way.
And then I realized that these teenagers
looked awfully familiar.
That’s when it hit me. These were the same
guys who chased me and Rowley around on
Halloween night, and they had finally caught up
with us.
208
But before we could make a run for it, we had our
arms pinned behind our backs.
Those guys wanted to teach us a lesson for
taunting them on Halloween night, and they
started arguing over what they should do with us.
But to be honest with you, I was more concerned
about something else. The Cheese was only a few
feet from where we were standing on the blacktop,
and it was looking nastier than ever.
209
The big teenager must have caught my eye,
because the next thing I knew, he was looking
at the Cheese, too. And I guess that gave him
the idea he was looking for.
Rowley got singled out first. The big kid grabbed
Rowley and dragged him over to the Cheese.
Now, I don’t want to say exactly what happened
next. Because if Rowley ever tries to run for
President and someone finds out what these guys
made him do, he won’t have a chance.
So I’ll put it to you this way: They made Rowley