“Not about that although I do agree, he’s really very nice. Surprisingly so. But that’s not what I meant.” Susanna met her friend’s gaze. “I have changed my mind about you and him being together. He makes you happy, Judith. I’m not sure I have ever seen you truly happy before.”
“Nonsense.” Judith waved away the comment. “I am usually happy. Indeed, I am an extraordinarily happy person all in all.”
“No,” Susanna said carefully, “you are a very private person.”
“One can be private and happy. One does not preclude the other.”
“Possibly, I suppose.” Susanna slid off the stool, clasped her hands behind her back, and wandered idly toward several glossy-leaved jasmine trees. “Do you realize…” She leaned forward to sniff a pristine white blossom, her tone suspiciously offhand. “In the long years you and I have been friends you have rarely mentioned your husband or your marriage.”
“Haven’t I?” Judith absently removed the fern from its present pot and replaced it where it had been before. “Well, we were very young. We married. Three years later he died.”
Susanna straightened and glanced at her. “It sounds like a recitation, Judith. An exercise in memorization.”
“There’s little more to say.”
“I have talked about my husband a great deal since his death.”
“Yes, you do tend to go on,” Judith said in a manner sharper than she intended and immediately regretted her words. “I am sorry, Susanna. I wouldn’t offend you for the world.”
“I am not offended at all.” Susanna smiled wryly. “I do speak of Charles and our life together more frequently than I should. Silly, I know, but it keeps him alive for me.” She shook her head. “With each passing year, the things that I wish to remember fade. The sound of his laughter, the touch of his hand, the feel of his kiss. I live in terror that one day I will not remember anything at all, and the void that he left in my life will consume me.”
Judith’s heart caught. “Dear Lord, Susanna, I had no idea.”
“Nor should you. It is…” She smiled. “Private.” Susanna drew a deep breath. “But we are speaking of you now.”
“Must we?” Judith said with a weak smile.
Susanna studied her for a moment. “I’ve watched you through all three of your adventures, Judith. You carry on a long flirtation, then you allow the gentleman of the moment to share your bed a time or two, then you discard him.”
Judith waved away the observation. “It was never serious with any of them.”
“They could have become serious. Every man you’ve been involved with has cared for you. Indeed, two of the three are as yet unmarried. They could have loved you given time and encouragement but you would not permit it.”
“Nonsense. I—”
“You’ve always ended it before it had the opportunity to become something special. Something permanent.” Susanna’s gaze met Judith’s. “You run away, Judith.”
“Don’t be absurd. Why, I scarcely travel at all.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” Susanna shook her head. “You flee from anything that might smack of serious emotion.”
Judith stared. “Susanna, I scarcely think—”
“You run away,” Susanna said firmly, “by refusing to let any adventure become more than superficial. I admit, I do it as well. I suspect I run away by indulging in spirits entirely more than I should. You fill your empty life with all this.” She waved in a wide gesture at the plants surrounding them. “I fill mine with my family and nieces and nephews. In spite of that, I am the loneliest woman I know.” Her gaze locked with Judith’s. “Except for you.”
“I’m not the least bit lonely.” The moment she said the words, Judith knew they were a lie. There was an aching, empty lonely hole inside her that had been filled recently by the man she could never have. “Why, I have lots of friends.”
“You have acquaintances. People to share an evening with, to converse with at social gatherings, or to discuss the various aspects of orchids or exotic plants. To fill your house in the country at those extravagant parties you host. You have people who amuse you and occupy your time and your mind but never, never your heart.”
“I have you.”
“And I have you.” Susanna heaved a heartfelt sigh. “And we are not enough.”
“Have you ever considered that there might be people who are destined to spend their lives alone?” Judith chose her words carefully. “I have no real family. My parents are gone. My husband is dead. The only true relation I have is a sister-in-law who cannot abide my very presence. Perhaps I’m…cursed.”
Susanna raised a skeptical brow.
“Not cursed then but perhaps some of us are fated to be alone in this world.”
Susanna stared in disbelief. “If I believed that, Judith, if I thought for so much as a moment that I was destined to live the rest of my life alone, I would fling myself under a carriage this very day and end it all. The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that someday I shall find a man who will love me, a man I can love as I did my husband.” She shook her head. “You and I are very much alike in our circumstances but I am not willing to give up hope. And you shouldn’t be either.”
“Hope?”
“Hope.” Susanna blew a long breath. “I will tell you this, cousin, if I ever meet a man who could make me feel the way Lord Warton makes you feel I shall not let him out of my sight.”
Judith stared at the other woman. “What would you have me do, Susanna? There is no future for us. We agreed at the beginning that marriage was not a consideration.”
“Agreements can be broken.” Susanna snorted. “And why isn’t marriage a consideration?”
“I’m not the kind of wife he needs, nor am I what he wants in a wife. He can’t marry me.”
“We’re back to that, are we?”
“You said it yourself. He needs the kind of wife I could never be.”
“Well, I’m an idiot. I don’t know anything. Anyone will tell you that. Judith.” Susanna leaned toward her. “The man is a handsome, wealthy viscount. He can do what ever he bloody well pleases.”
Judith widened her eyes at the obscenity. “Susanna!”
“Oh for goodness’ sakes, Judith, you needn’t look at me like that.” Susanna rolled her gaze heavenward. “I just find this all so annoying. He makes you happy. You love him. There’s no reason why you can’t be together.”
“You have forgotten a few minor points.” Judith ticked them off on her fingers. “He hasn’t said it but I think my past bothers him more than he lets on.”
“And he’s been saving himself for marriage? Hardly.” Susanna huffed. “You are a widow. You have been most discreet. There’s never been a real scandal associated with you. Whereas he ran off, wed, and the marriage was annulled. Now that was a scandal.”
“It was kept very quiet,” Judith murmured.
“It wasn’t kept that quiet. Add to that the fact that he spent the next year or so in highly disreputable behavior—why, you should be the one bothered by his past.”
“He’s reformed.”
“And, as of the moment you met him, you reformed.”
“I have a certain reputation.”
“It makes you interesting, besides, you’ve reformed remember? So.” Susanna crossed her arms over her chest. “What else?”
“Gideon has never spoken of marriage. As for love…” Judith raised a shoulder in a helpless shrug. “I don’t know what his feelings are. I’m not sure that he knows.”
“Admittedly that is a hurdle to overcome. Obviously, you do need to find out if your feelings are returned.”
“Obviously.” How did Gideon feel? He’d said there was affection between them but he was uncertain about love. He’d also said he wished to be with her for a very long time. What did that really mean? Susanna was right. It would be foolish not to find out before she did anything irreparable.
“Promise me you will not do anything rash,
you will not break it off with him without finding out how he truly feels.” Susanna took Judith’s hands and gazed into her eyes. “Promise me you will at least think about the possibility of spending the rest of your life with him.”
“Dear Susanna.” Judith cast her a weak smile. “I’m afraid I’ve thought of little else.”
Chapter 11
“I would scarcely call this a small, intimate gathering.” Gideon’s gaze skimmed the crowded ballroom.
“There are at least sixty people here.” Judith’s gaze followed his. “Why did you think it would be small?”
“That’s what Violet—Lady Braxton—said when she told me about this.”
“Really.” Judith paused. “When did you see Lady Braxton?”
“The day I left London. A week ago.”
“You never mentioned it,” she said in a casual manner. Entirely too casual.
“As I have been in the country and only returned today, I have not yet had the opportunity to say scarcely anything to you.” He grinned down at her. “One might think you were jealous if one didn’t know better.”
“Then it is fortunate that one knows better,” she said in a lofty manner.
Gideon chuckled. His apprehension about tonight was probably unfounded. They had gone through the receiving line upon their arrival without mishap. Much to his relief, Judith and Violet had met without the slightest hint of anything other than polite demeanor on either side. Of course, regardless of what either woman was thinking, there wouldn’t be anything but the height of cordiality between them. Still, it was bloody awkward introducing your current lover to your former, well, wife. Particularly when said former wife wished to renew your previous relationship.
As for any decision about his relationship with Judith, he had come to the brilliant realization that no decision was necessary. There was no pressing need to decide anything at the moment. Why couldn’t they go along as they had been? He felt a deep affection for her that might or might not be love. Indeed, the days away from her had seemed a lifetime. She had lingered in the back of his mind every waking moment and had been with him in his dreams at night. But he had felt what he’d thought was love before. Only recently had he realized it might not have been love at all. It might have been his pride as much as his heart that was shattered. Odd, until he’d seen Violet again, he’d never questioned whether what he’d felt for her was love. It was disquieting to realize he might not recognize love even when he found it. Yet another reason to continue with Judith exactly as they had been. The ac knowledgment of love, if indeed this was love, could wait.
“What an unusual combination of people,” Judith said more to herself than to him.
“Do you think so?” The gathering didn’t seem the least bit unusual to him and not particularly interesting either. There were a number of people here that he knew and probably even more that Judith knew. “I see Lord and Lady Helmsley are here.” He nodded at the couple on the far side of the room and said the first thing that came into his mind. “Is it odd, to see him with her?”
“Odd?” She glanced up at him.
“Well, you and he were—”
She laughed. “It’s not the least bit odd.”
He winced. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have but you are forgiven.” She shrugged. “I suppose it’s only natural for you to wonder about my feelings.” She drew a deep breath. “It might be of interest to you to know that Jonathon and I were always better friends than we were anything else.”
“So I’ve heard,” he said more to himself than to her.
“Certainly there was an amusing flirtation between us that continued through the years but it was never…” She shook her head. “Important, I would say, serious, that is, in any way aside from friendship. I quite value his friendship and Lady Helmsley’s as well. In truth, I encouraged him to pursue her. And I assisted her to pursue him in return.” Her gaze returned to the newly wed couple. “They look extraordinarily happy, don’t they?”
“I can’t tell if you’re smug or jealous,” he said in a teasing manner.
“Oh, I am definitely proud of the role I played. As for jealous, perhaps I am. Or at the very least envious.” There was a touch of longing in her voice so slight, Gideon thought he might have been mistaken. He resisted the urge to take her in his arms right here in front of Violet and everyone else and kiss her until the ache of longing became the demand of desire. “To be so in love with someone that happiness fairly glows from you like a beacon of light in the darkness. And to know that love will light your way for the rest of your days. That is indeed something to provoke envy.”
“They are fortunate to have found one another,” he murmured and realized he too was envious. And it struck him without warning that he needn’t be. Perhaps he didn’t need to make a decision about his relationship with Judith because he already had. Perhaps all he needed to do was to acknowledge it to himself. And, of course, to her.
Behind him, a throat cleared. “Lady Chester? Judith?”
Gideon turned to find a fair-haired man, slightly shorter than himself, grinning in a decidedly lopsided manner at Judith.
“Harry!” Judith favored the newcomer with an affectionate smile and held out her hands to him. “What a delightful surprise. The last I’d heard you were traveling the Orient.”
“I was.” Harry chuckled. “But I am home now for good.”
“How wonderful. I know you have been missed. Do you know one another?” Judith said, pulling her hands from Harry’s, who seemed annoyingly reluctant to let her go.
“Only by reputation.” Harry nodded briefly at Gideon. “You’re Lord Warton, aren’t you?”
“I am.” Gideon forced a polite smile. He wasn’t sure why but he didn’t like this man. He particularly didn’t like the way he gazed at Judith as if she were a platter of rare roast beef and he was a meat-starved man. “And you are?”
“Lord Warton, allow me to introduce Lord Mountford,” Judith said. “Lord Mountford is a very old friend.”
“A very good friend,” Mountford said firmly.
“I stand corrected. Old and good.” Judith laughed. Gideon didn’t like that either.
“Do you mind, old man, if I steal her away for a dance?” Mountford’s words were directed at Gideon but his gaze was fixed on Judith. “We have a great deal of reminiscing to do.”
Yes, I bloody well do!
Judith raised a brow. “Gideon?”
“No, of course not,” Gideon said with a polite smile.
“Excellent.” Mountford beamed and offered his arm to Judith.
Judith cast Gideon a curious look as if she knew exactly what he was thinking, then took Mountford’s arm and allowed him to escort her to the dance floor. And that Gideon liked even less than anything else.
Damn it all, he was jealous. Jealous! Of this old friend. This very good old friend. That’s what it was: pure and simple jealousy. He recalled jealousy back when he had fancied himself in love with Violet. At a ball very similar to this one he distinctly remembered this nasty, wrought-up feeling when she’d danced with her fiancé. Still, this was entirely different. He wasn’t jealous that Judith was dancing with someone else, although he wasn’t especially pleased by it, but that that someone else shared a history with her that Gideon did not.
“Oh dear, I see I’m too late.” Lady Dinsmore stepped up beside him and stared at Judith on the dance floor.
“Too late for what?” Gideon said slowly.
“To warn Judith, of course.”
“Warn Judith of what?”
“Well, Lord Mountford is here. She hasn’t seen him in years, you know.”
“Apparently,” Warton said dryly. “They are very old friends.”
“I suppose you could call him a friend.” Lady Dinsmore thought for a moment. “Yes, friend would be appropriate, I think. Nor has she seen Viscount Nottingdon who is also apparently in attendance this evening.”
Gideon rai
sed a brow. “Yet another old friend?”
Lady Dinsmore nodded. “And then there’s Lord Helmsley.” Her brow furrowed. “Although she does see him on occasion. They are good friends after all.”
“Yes, yes, I know. Good friends, old friends, the woman is surrounded by friends.” He blew a long breath. “But as they are friends, I’m afraid I don’t understand your concern.”
“No, you wouldn’t, would you?” Lady Dinsmore sighed. “It’s quite lovely to run into old friends or old acquaintances or old what-have-you when you are expecting to see them, and something altogether different to come upon them unawares. For example, you weren’t at all pleased to come face to face with Violet without warning, were you?” She smiled in an all-too-innocent manner.
Gideon stared. “How did you know about that?”
“You poor man.” She shook her head in a pitying manner. “Everyone who was there knows about it.”
“Does Judith know?”
“She didn’t at the time but she certainly does now. It’s not something you can keep a secret, you know. A meeting in the middle of a large crowd does not go unnoticed.” Lady Dinsmore studied him for a moment. “You haven’t mentioned it to her, have you?”
“I haven’t had the opportunity,” he said in a lofty manner and ignored the guilt that stabbed him. He had had the chance, he’d just preferred not to take it at the time.
“You should find the opportunity as soon as possible. Not revealing an encounter with someone from your past to someone who is very much sharing your present is a mistake fraught with the possibility of disaster. Especially when the someone from your present already knows about it.”
He bit back a smile at the stern nature of her warning. Still, she was right. “I appreciate the advice, Lady Dinsmore.”
“No you don’t.” Her gaze returned to the dancers. “I daresay this is no coincidence.”
“What is not a coincidence?”
“These old friends of Judith’s all being at the same gathering with you. A gathering hosted by a woman who is determined to get what she wants.”
A Little Bit Wicked Page 18