by Skyler Wood
"Strange thing for them to do," Vex said.
"They thought our spirits would be easily broken. They thought we'd just seep back into the ground," Darok said.
Cosmo rather doubted that. Dwarves were implacable foes, and whoever did this knew exactly what would happen.
They had a headline for the day, and another thread to pull at.
23
They had more of a crowd than Cosmo had expected when they went to their appointment to the armory. Vex had hired a photographer for the paper, a Doraxu that looked something like an orc who had been fused with a spider, an eight-legged spider body with a well muscled and greenish-tinted humanoid torso, and a head fused to the front.
Moira was also there, along with a few other bards.
"Wonder what they are doing here?" Cosmo said.
"I called them. We needed extremely attractive people to take most of their clothes off," Vex said.
The owners, Harlon and Elsa, stood near an anvil, both looking as if not quite sure what to make of all this. They were being animatedly talked to by the mage Sedwin.
Vex nodded at them. "I wonder if they'll ever forgive us."
"I find nothing earns forgiveness like turning a profit. Let's see what they came up with," Cosmo said.
They approached the smiths, who looked up with a desperate sort of hope.
"Of course you'd need something like a Hegram's hex to keep it steady, but it should be possible," Sedwin said, rocking madly back and forth, and from foot to foot.
"I see you made it," Vex said to Sedwin.
"Been here before dawn," Harlon said.
"Talking," Elsa said.
"I hadn't realized it until I actually stepped out of that office, but my mind hasn't really been working all this time. Do you realize they make things here? Not simply theorize about the making of things?" Sedwin asked.
"He wants to start enchanting armor," Elsa said.
"Don't you get things like bloodthirsty spears and talkative swords when you enchant them?" Vex asked.
"They never stop talking," Harlon said, with a frown at Sedwin.
"I'm going to go help the models get dressed, since it seems we really are doing this. We'll show you and get the pictures done at the same time," Elsa said, wandering off and disappearing into the group of bards.
"Enchanted armor sounds dangerous," Cosmo said.
Sedwin shrugged. "Some people like risks. And if you're wearing some of the stuff they came up with, you're already proving you like to live dangerous and probably have more money than sense."
There was a lot of logic to that. You always had to know who you were selling to, and if a little enchantment let you raise the price, it might be worth doing.
"I hate to say it, but maybe he has a point," Cosmo said.
"I know. Elsa likes the idea anyways for the new designs. Don't sit right with her to make something just for looks. She cared about that sort of thing, she wouldn't have married me," Harlon said.
The orc and the elf did make for an odd pairing. Once upon a time such a thing would have been scandalous. Society had moved on, but elfs and orcs still weren't a couple you saw often. Orcs tended to prize physical strength that elves usually lacked, while elves were obsessed with aesthetics that orcs simply didn't meet.
The first of the models came out. Moira, in a leather top that showed even more of her chest than usual and tight-fitting leather pants. It showed a bit more midriff too, but otherwise was largely the same.
"For thieves. Boots with soft soles, silent. Belt has room for two scabbards and a tool kit," Harlon said.
"You couldn't take any more off it?" Vex asked.
"Elsa said it wouldn't look right."
Another human bard came out. This one had been done up as a barbarian. Colored body-paint streaked much of her exposed flesh, and given she wore little more than a fur bikini there was a great deal of that. Not even any shoes here.
"Back-mounted greataxe or greatsword. Pretty close to what the bands on the sixth face wear," Harlon said.
"You can do a lot of things with animal hides. With proper enchantment you can bring over some of the attributes of the animal," Sedwin said, staring enraptured.
"Huh. People like rare hides," Harlon said.
The next figure was probably a dwarf. At least the make of the armor looked dwarvish. It was hard to tell because she was covered head to toe in full plate-mail including a closed helm.
"Really? Did you get the point of this whole thing?" Vex said.
Cosmo thought they had. He was no expert, but the few male dwarven smiths in the forge were now staring and looking as awestruck as Sedwin had moments before.
Another woman, an elf this time. The armor seemed designed to remind one of plate-mail—if there were ten times as much of it. It all glimmered with a silvery sheen, and front and back plates were attached with silvery strands that left the sides almost completely exposed.
"Maybe you did get the point," Vex said, her tail lashing. "I wouldn't even make it look that good—and I want a set."
"Elvish moonsteel. Lightweight, but tough. Those plates will take a real hit," Harlon said.
"Moonsteel is especially easy to enchant. If I were going to do something with this, I'd do some sort of deflection spells for the rest of the body. Turn blows at the legs or side to the plates," Sedwin said.
"Expensive?" Harlon asked him.
"If you want them to hold up. Otherwise they'd need to come in for regular magical reinforcement."
"Subscriptions," Harlon said, incredibly gratified and almost knocking the mage down with a pat to his back. "We work out deal."
In only a day they'd prepared a full line. Healers, assassins, and battlemages.
Cosmo wasn't sure how well they accomplished their intended purpose. Like most things, that went over his head. Vex seemed ultimately approving though, and they got a lot of photographs. Enough to put a few every day in the newspaper for the next week.
24
The Guild of Adventurers wasn't seeing its best day. From the looks of it, it wasn't seeing one of its better decades. A desk with a massive tome for visiting heroes was in the lobby, and a quick peek showed the last had been four months before.
"You're sure about this?" Cosmo asked.
"We need information from adventurers, these are what we have," Vex said.
Cosmo just hoped there was somebody still alive. Nobody manned the front desk and dust covered everything. Still, lamps lit most of the rooms and they weren't magical, so someone was refilling the oil.
When they finally found the adventurers they were in a back hall, seated at a table surrounded by kegs. One man almost looked like one of the models they'd seen earlier today in terms of armor, although unintentionally. Plate armor that once fit now failed to cover a massive beer belly. A woman in a green robe wore a hat covered in obviously fake flowers, and what looked like some sort of rodent was asleep on her shoulder. There was also a bearded and wizened-looking man identified mostly by the shirt labeled with 'mage' on the front, and a surprisingly ordinary-looking, older man in a well-tailored suit.
"And then I stabbed it right in the face!" exclaimed the man in plate-mail, pumping his fist.
"Didn't you miss a whole bunch first?" asked the woman.
"He did. He kept going for that targeted blow and missing," said the well-dressed man.
Cosmo announced their arrival. "Press. We were told there were adventurers here."
"Job board's out in the main hall. If you want to hire someone, you can post there. Not that anyone really checks it these days," said the well-dressed man.
"We're doing a column for the paper on adventuring. We were hoping to make it a regular thing. Places to go, tips and techniques," Vex said.
"Oh, well if you want stories about adventuring, we have lots of those," said the mage.
"I'm Kana, I was our alchemist," said the well-dressed man. "Stabface is in the armor, he was our fighter. Boomtime was our mage. Tig
erlady was our druid," Kana said.
"And I thought your last name was terrible," Cosmo said to Vex, who sighed.
"It is traditional to take an adventurer name when starting out. People get foolish with them," Kana said with a frown.
"I stab faces, I'm Stabface!" Stabface said.
"Well, at least it's easy to remember," Vex said, forcing a smile.
"I used to have a tiger. She got bored," Tigerlady said.
"So she replaced her with a rat," Boomtime said.
"Princess Sparkles is a mink, and is beautiful and majestic," Tigerlady said with a disapproving look.
"Rat," Boomtime said.
Cosmo was no expert on rodents, but he thought that Boomtime might be right on this one.
"And is there maybe someone else we could speak with?" Vex asked, the smile frozen on her face.
"I have a real job these days. Most of those who used to do adventuring professionally do. You might find a few still doing it, but they don't stay in town long. They usually sell their loot and they're back to it," Kana said.
"Did it not pay well?" Vex asked.
"You have any idea what we paid for potions? Even with this guy in our group?" Stabface asked, with a glare at Kana.
"You know I can only make so many a day, and even then I had ingredient costs," Kana said.
"You could harvest! We gave you lots of time to pick herbs!"
"You two getting drunk and getting it on in a field was not giving me time to gather herbs," Kana said.
"That was really annoying. And I got bored blowing up bunnies," Boomtime said.
"You blew up bunnies?" Tigerlady said, spinning around and staring with such intensity that the rat stirred and joined in.
Ignoring that, Kana said, "It wasn't a money thing. We did well, but the thing about adventuring is it's a bit like running around in circles. Your gear keeps getting better, the monsters stronger, and one day you realize you've done it all before."
"But where an easy dungeon took you half a day to clear, one day you're away from home and eating rations for a month," Kana said.
"You bailed on us. We'd have kept on going if you hadn't taken that job. We were a team," Stabface said.
"We were young, and stupid, and yeah it was fun, but we had to grow up. I got a real job. Why didn't you? Why didn't any of you?" Kana said.
"I offered to explode students for the university. They seemed really interested, but nothing happened," Boomtime said, slumping in his chair.
"You could have offered to teach students to make things go boom instead?" Kana asked.
"Well, that just sounds terrible."
"Maybe we could give it another go? Not anything big, I know you don't want to be gone that long. Just tiny dungeons? Scope things for the paper?" Stabface asked hopefully.
Kana looked like he was about to object, but then glanced back and forth between the others. "I do miss it, sometimes. I don't come here just because I like the beer."
"You paying anything?" Boomtime asked Vex.
Vex shot a look at Cosmo who shook his head.
"We'll give you a byline. You'll have your names in the papers, and we can mention the guild. Maybe you'll see some life around this place again," Vex said.
That seemed to brighten up the adventurers. However much these four might have drifted apart, it was clear that each other and the adventures they'd shared meant a lot to them.
"There are expenses though," Stabface said.
"If people start adventuring again they'll need potions. I can maybe foot the bill for us, to get started. Good to have that job," Kana said.
"I'll have some of our reporters get in touch. We'll set up check-ins," Vex said.
Things were starting to come together.
25
They slept at the Press Building that night, or at least tried to. With a decent story and the first of their new advertising being displayed, they hoped it was a winning combination and ordered a run even larger than the first day. It used up all their existing supplies, so if it missed, they were pretty much finished. It also meant a full staff at the paper overnight, which made sleeping hard. It didn't help they had so much riding on this.
Those fears were proved needless the next day. By mid-morning they were buying paper stocks from the proceeds of the morning's sales so they could do a second run.
Cosmo was so busy with keeping the press in working order he didn't get a chance to check, but reports were that by the afternoon the smithy had a line outside the door.
Vex and Cosmo were headed for a celebration at Grom's when Moira slid in beside them. There were other bards as well, all far too good-looking and surprisingly well-armed.
"We're doing another dinner and you'll be staying the night. It isn't safe for you to be on the streets," Moira said.
"Is this one of those times when you're acting in our interests and saving our lives? Or one of those "politely taking us prisoner" moments?" Vex asked.
"A bit of both, but more the first than the second," Moira said. "I'll talk more this time, I promise, but not on the streets."
Vex glanced at Cosmo questioningly.
With her demonic strength they might be able to knock their way clear, and Cosmo doubted the bards wanted a fuss on the street. He also really wanted to hear what they had to say.
"We see where this goes," Cosmo said.
"Words that have started many a wonderful night," Moira said brightly.
Cosmo wondered once again how bards seemed to manage to turn every single innocent phrase on its head.
With their agreement the bards formed up around them, their posture wary.
Cosmo was still trying to put together his full thoughts on the bards. In a way they reminded him a lot of the queen. They'd be very easy to underestimate, and quite possibly it was on purpose. Moira at least clearly had some skills in espionage. Did they all?
They were almost to the Guild of Bards when the ground tried to murder them. The streets buckled beneath their feet and everyone went flying as the cobblestones formed a giant fist punching upwards.
Cosmo and Vex sprawled against the wall while most of the bards landed on their feet. One had drawn daggers, one a bow, one even had a flute out.
The stone fist was still projecting out of the street. It turned towards Cosmo and Vex, and seemed to be readying itself for a second punch when the flautist stepped between them. A jaunty melody caused the air to ripple with rainbow-colored musical notes and a shimmering barrier formed in the air.
Moira was suddenly there, pulling them to their feet. "They'll hold it. It's after you, hurry."
Vex grabbed Cosmo and, as usual, tucked him under one arm so they could run.
Cosmo was getting rather used to this. As undignified as it was, it really was better than getting killed.
They closed the distance to the bard college and soon were once more behind the silvery gates.
"Are your people going to be okay?" Cosmo asked once Vex set him back on his feet.
"We weren't the targets. Our grounds are warded against scrying, so it should have lost your trace and be returning to the caster," Moira said, gesturing for them to follow her further onto the grounds.
"So are all of you spies or is it just you?"
Moira smiled over her shoulder. "Bards are jacks of all trades. We do whatever the situation calls for, and sometimes that means not just talking but listening. It's how I found out you were in danger."
"If it wasn't you that tried to kill us before, who did? When it was water magic, it might have been a lot of suspects, but water and earth means an elementalist," Vex said.
"We don't actually know who, just what ordered it," Moira said.
"And that is?"
"First of all, you are staying here tonight. This is the whole "polite prisoner" part of things. You are guests though, with food, wine, offers of company, and some of the best beds in the city," Moira said.
"Why are you keeping us here?" Cosmo asked. "Why do you c
are?"
Moira looked wry. "Because we don't want agents of the queen getting murdered, and risking even the chance it comes back on us. The Assembly is trying to have you killed. They're also acting to shutter your newspaper permanently tonight."
"I imagine those you work with are happy to see that too," Cosmo said.
Moira gave him an innocent look. "I can't imagine what you mean."
"Can we even believe her?" Vex asked.
Moira brought them into a luxurious sitting room and poured out several glasses of wine.
Cosmo was coming to appreciate their hospitality.
"Unless it is all one very elaborate deception, she's tried to save our life twice now. We can question her words, but I think she's earned some trust in her motives, whatever they are," Cosmo said.
Moira laughed. "That is well said. Bards are liars, we are. We're very good at it—we actually have classes in deception. To be fair we also have classes in illusion magic. Were we so inclined we could have faked that hand, but we didn't."
"When you tell the truth it just makes me wonder if you're lying even more," Vex said.
"Amazing gift, isn't it?" Moira said. "Come on. I'll show you the gardens and we'll talk."
26
The gardens really were lovely, although Cosmo didn't much want to think of what a place that normally made humans amorous would do to a bunch of bards. It seemed a bit like throwing a steak into the middle of a bunch of starving dogs.
Moira brought the wine with them and they settled on a bench in a secluded alcove.
"Why all the privacy? Don't you trust your own people?" Cosmo asked.
"This current situation has brought up certain divisions within the bards. Many of us, myself for example, welcome the demonic like Vess here. Not everyone feels the same," Moira said.
"Those paladins weren't exactly beacons of tolerance," Vex said.
"And you're the second in command of the guild. I take it that means the head ..." Cosmo said.
"His name is Andreus, and yes, he feels differently. An impulse he used to keep in check, but with the new queen he feels differently. Usually the reign of a good monarch is great for us and bad for the thieves, and vice versa."