Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  And when the user gets mad that they dropped $70 on a piece of gimmicky garbage, the ears twitch in a trash can.

  TEETH EXERCISER

  You may not have noticed, but our society is in the midst of a dental crisis. Thanks to modern methods of food preparation, our cooked foods require little in the way of mastication (that’s fancy-talk for “chewing”). The result? Rotted teeth, underdeveloped jaws, and just generally poor self-image.

  Or at least that was what Charles G. Purdy believed, which led him to invent a device to reverse this pernicious trend. Purdy’s patented teeth exerciser is basically just a mouth plate attached to a spring, which itself can be attached to a firm support (such as a wall) or to an exerciser plate in another person’s mouth. The wearer then moves their head back and forth, and the resulting stress from the spring causes tension in the wearer’s mouth. This stress is supposed to exercise the normally withered and useless muscles of the mouth and head, leading to improved oral health.

  This sounds like a fairly sound concept, except for one glaring oversight. Based on what we’ve observed over the years, if there is one thing most people are already exceptionally good at, it’s ensuring that their mouths get plenty of exercise.

  SPRAY-ON WI-FI

  Everyone is permanently affixed to their cell phones these days, and when you come to the rare place without reception or Internet data access, it’s maddening. And it’s a growing industry—a $4.5 trillion market for wireless technology over the next 10 years. But we can’t have wi-fi hotspots everywhere, can we?

  We can. Chamtech Enterprises has developed a metal can fill of a liquid which is full of nano-capacitors, which, when sprayed on a surface—any hard surface—can receive radio signals and transmit them more effectively and efficiently than a metal rod or antenna can. Add in a router, and the antennas can communicate with a fiber network or receive signals from satellites, just like a phone. Result: a “mesh” network of low cost broadcast wi-fi virtually everywhere. And no ugly cell towers.

  SUBLMINAL MESSAGE GLASSES

  The story goes (even if it’s probably an urban legend) that in the 1950s, a movie theater in New Jersey flashed the words “Eat popcorn” on the screen, too quickly to be consciously perceived. Result: a massive increase in popcorn sales. Ever since, the idea of “subliminal messages” has been a curiosity for both the marketing and self-improvement industries.

  In 1992 Canadians Faye Tanefsky and Michael R. McCaughey patented Subliminal Message Goggles in order to “impart a subliminal message to the wearer.” The patent credits the stereoscopic effect of human vision to the glasses’ ability to create a single image in the human brain when projected before both eyes. While it’s not entirely clear how stereoscopic vision relates to the effect of subliminal messaging, it sure makes the description sound science-y.

  The patent holders included an illustration of aviator glasses (the patent does not make it clear whether a mirrored version would be available), along with four helpful illustrations of the kinds of messages supported by the glasses. One is a cigarette with a Ghostbusters-esque “No” circle; another was the same with a glass of booze. There is also a smiley face and what appears to be a ping-pong paddle, so as to, we can only speculate, subliminally influence the wearer to enjoy ping-pong more.

  THE WORLD’S WEIRDEST VENDING MACHINES

  Suntan lotion. In 1949 the Star Manufacturing Company debuted this unusual invention at a vending machine convention in Chicago. It resembled a gas pump and gave users a 30-second “spray job” of suntain oil. Cost: 10 cents. The designers hoped the machines would become commonplace at public swimming pools, beaches, parks, or wherever people were too lazy to apply sunblock with their own hands, but only a handful were ever sold.

  Bait. In 1993 Pennsylvania fisherman Joe Meyer converted an old refrigerated sandwich-dispensing machine into an automated nightcrawler dispenser and sold it to Bob Williams, a bait shop owner. Williams now owns a company that distributes the machines, which dispense more than 10,000 bits of bait a week—each—during the height of fishing season. Imitators have since cropped up; over a thousand bait machines can be found across all 50 states.

  Whiskey. Evva debuted at a 1960 beverage exhibition in London: a bottled mix of whiskey and club soda, served cold. Just like unattended cigarette machines in restaurants and gas stations, Evva would have likely proven popular among teenagers, which is probably why the machines couldn’t find wide distribution.

  Curling irons. The U.K.-based Beautiful Vending created a vending machine in 2005 that can eliminate a bad hair day (or night) in just a few short minutes. Vending Stylers are wall-mounted contraptions that offer hair straighteners and curling irons. They typically cost a dollar for every minute of use. The machines can now be found in shopping malls, clubs, and fitness centers in over 35 countries.

  Mashed potatoes. These amazing machines can’t be found in stateside 7-Elevens, but they’re immensely popular at the chain’s locations in Singapore. For about a dollar, locals can, as the ad copy promises, “get their gravy on,” literally, with a heaping helping of mashed potatoes and brown gravy. The machines, which look like your average Slurpee dispenser, were created by Maggi, a sauce and instant-soup company owned by Nestlé. (For those who don’t like conventional mashed potatoes and gravy, barbecue sauce is also available.)

  Cupcakes. Sprinkles, a Beverly Hills–based bakery chain, opened its first “Cupcake ATM” in March 2012. The pastel-colored machine cranks out up to 1,000 treats a day and has been known to crash due to high demand. It takes credit cards, offers over a dozen varieties ranging from gluten-free to red velvet, and dispenses the cakes in cute little boxes. It also plays a delightful song about cupcakes.

  SPRAY-ON CONDOMS

  If there’s any product in the world that consumers need to absolutely trust, a product for which nothing can be off, for which mistakes are inexcusable, it’s got to be the condom, that inexpensive piece of rubber millions use to prevent them from becoming parents or contracting a disease.

  Which is why German inventor Jan Vinzenz Krause probably faces an uphill battle to get his invention, the spray-on condom, to penetrate the billion-dollar prophylactic market. Negating the argument that condoms diminish feeling, Krause simply found a way to liquify latex, and put it in a can. When the moment is right, a fellow doesn’t simply spray on a coat of latex; Krause’s “Jolly Joe” is comprised of a plastic tube into which a man inserts himself, which then sprays liquid latex from all directions. (It then takes a potentially mood-killing three minutes to dry.)

  Krause, a sexual health educator, was inspired by “MacGyver,” the machines at a drive-through car wash, and his inability to find a condom that fit properly (sure, dude).

  THE KISSING SHIELD

  It used to be that if you wanted to demonstrate your affection for someone but were paralyzed by the fear of being exposed to insidious mouth-borne pathogens, a hearty handshake was your best bet. But thanks to the inventor of the Kissing Shield, sanitary romance is not dead.

  The shield is a thin latex membrane stretched over a heart-shaped frame (you know, for romance), and it even comes equipped with a convenient carrying handle. It’s safe and practical, which of course are the cornerstones of any good romance. (Sorry, Romeo, you’ll have to supply your own surgical gloves for holding hands.)

  The inventor of the Kissing Shield states that it is intended for kissing the “recipient of the user’s affection” (even the description is antiseptic) but is also useful for the old tradition of politicians kissing babies.

  The natural evolution from the Kissing Shield is of course an entire line of hygienic romance products. We look forward to antibacterial-gel-filled candy, Clorox-laced Valentine’s Day cards, and giant, heart-shaped plastic bubbles you can ride around in.

  TOAST WITH THE MOST

  Reports of images appearing on toast are almost common these days—hardly anyone bats an eye when some guy in Ohio claims that an image of Liberace spontaneousl
y appeared in the dark brown bits in his morning toast.

  You no longer have to wait for the universe or your faulty toaster to bless you with an image burned into your bread, because industrial designer Sung Bae Chang has invented the Scan Toaster. It’s simple, really—it’s a standard toaster that connects to a computer via a USB cord. You use an imaging program to send a picture—any picture at all—to the toaster. The machine then etches the image into toasted bread.

  This beats a similar item devised by a company called Yanko Design: the Note Toaster. Not much bigger than a slice of toast, this electronic breadbox features an e-ink display. The user writes a note on the display with a stylus—a grocery list or to-do list, for example—and the toaster burns it onto bread, creating an edible note to enjoy on your way out the door in the morning.

  THONG DIAPER

  If there’s been one thing holding adult diapers back from widespread public acceptance, it’s a notable lack of sex appeal. After all, how do you add some marketing oomph to a product whose sole job is to make sure your own oomph doesn’t leak down your leg?

  According to one enterprising inventor the answer is, of course, to replace the unsightly fasteners and excess material with thong straps. Because as Dame Fashion always says, “Maybe you can’t control your bowels, but you sure as hell can control how fabulous you look!” While removing protective material from an adult diaper doesn’t seem like the most prudent move, there is a tremendous upside. Thanks to the thong diaper’s slimmer, less bulky profile, whether or not it successfully performs its primary function, you’re sure to turn heads at the rec center.

  Of course, the patent for the thong diaper doesn’t explicitly state that it isn’t actually meant for use with babies, but that alternative is simply too revolting to contemplate.

  FACE-TO-FACE TANDEM BIKE

  Chen Yugang took about a year to figure out exactly how to make it work, but in 2012 he unveiled his tandem bike…on which two riders face each other and somehow pedal in the same direction without smashing into the ground or their knees into each other. One of the riders does have to pedal backward, though, like in romantic slow dancing. That just adds to the atmosphere of what Chen thinks is a romantic bicycle.

  Chen’s device can be configured in a number of setups, based on the familiarity and relationship of the duo riding it. “Face-to-face is suitable for a parent and child, or dating couples,” Chen says. The back-to-back mode gives each rider a good view (and not of each other). Standard, double-front-facing style can also be arranged, but where’s the fun in that?

  SQUATTY POTTY

  Before flush toilets became commonplace, people did their business while squatting. While this could get messy, it offered health benefits that have been largely forgotten in the modern age. Squat advocates (a real constituency) argue that sitting at a 90-degree angle is not how nature intended us to poop. According to them, squatting can help prevent colon cancer, constipation, hemorrhoids, and “cardiovascular incidents,” like the one that killed Elvis.

  The Squatty Potty is a toilet adapter that lets users poop more easily from atop their regular toilets. The device fits over the seat and elevates the user at an angle more akin to squatting. It was invented in 2010 by Judy Edwards. A chronic constipation sufferer, she read about the squat method, and gave it a try. She stacked boxes and phone books in front of her toilet to serve as a squatting platform. This solved her problem, but having all that stuff sitting around was hardly convenient. After consulting with medical professionals to pinpoint the ideal height, position, and angle for squatting, Edwards and her son Robert created the first Squatty Potty.

  More than 10,000 Squatty Potties have been sold. They’re offered in three varieties: The “Classic” is sleek, white, and made of recycled wood; the “Ecco” is sturdy enough to be used by a large family; and the “Tao Bamboo” is both handmade and super-classy.

  THE WORLD’S LIGHTEST SYNTHETIC MATERIAL

  Answering the impossible question, “Why can’t metal be lighter than a feather?” a quandary previously explored, in another context, by Poison and Skid Row during the 1980s, a team of California scientists created a spongy, ultralight “microlattice” from interlocking, hollow nickel tubes. Each tube is 1,000 times thinner than a human hair. When woven together, the substance is 100 times lighter than Styrofoam. It floats through the air like a feather and can rest comfortably atop a dandelion. Perhaps just as impressive, considering its metallic origins, the microlattice achieves a 98-percent bounce-back resilience when squished. (Unlike, say, the dandelion.)

  A metallic material that can leave a dandelion’s fluff undisturbed? There’s got to be a Horton Hears a Who sequel in there somewhere. Then again, the researchers suggest that their microlattice might make a terrific acoustic-damping material for soundproofing walls. Another potential use? Impact protection for aircraft, from airplanes to spaceships, where lightness is fairly important. Here’s hoping, however, that kids don’t try using the stuff for trampolines or gymnastics mats; those little metal slivers can be murder when they get under the skin.

  GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SILK

  We all like to think we’re Earth-friendly types—just maybe not friendly enough to voluntarily give up our dual-car households stuffed with plastic gadgets. Fortunately, while we’ve been sitting around feeling sort of guilty about our non-stop gorging on fossil fuels, scientists at the University of Wyoming have been busy working on a possible alternative.

  It involves using cutting-edge science in tandem with a totally old-school tool; in this case, the humble, hard-working silkworm, who’s getting a genetic facelift in order to produce silk that has the tensile strength of a spider’s. As it turns out, scientists have long hoped to “farm” spiders in order to harvest their silk; weight-for-weight, it’s stronger than steel, and presents all sorts of possibilities—medical implants, bionic ligaments, even tough, biodegradable plastic. Problem is, spiders don’t produce much of it, and even if they did, their propensity for eating each other makes them difficult to keep in close quarters.

  Silkworms, on the other hand, make plenty of silk (and they aren’t cannibals), but it isn’t as strong as the spidery stuff. Undaunted by their rude refusal to cooperate, the Wyoming University team simply stole spiders’ DNA, and the result seems to be a genetically modified silkworm capable of producing super-strong silk—which is great and all, but also feels like the setup for a spider-based horror movie.

  THE LEVITATIONARIUM!

  Since the dawn of humanity, man has dreamed of flying like the birds in the sky (or at least that’s what narrators always intone in aviation documentaries), but once airplanes successfully got off the ground, as it were, man’s thoughts turned from flying to plummeting for some reason.

  In order to help skydivers practice their craft a bit before actually leaping out of a plane, Canadian inventor Jean St. Germain honed existing wind tunnel technology to create the so-called Levitationarium in 1979, using propellers to produce an upward airflow within a chamber to effectively levitate those individuals within. St. Germain then sold his concept to the Aerodium Company, which has further perfected the Levitationarium. Sadly, it’s now generally referred to by the far less snazzy name “recreational vertical wind tunnel,” but, as Aerodium proudly notes on its website, one such tunnel could be seen during the closing ceremony of Torino 2006 Olympic Games as “the best bodyflyers from Latvia made spectacular show, flying at a height of 25 meters during the live broadcast to billions of viewers all over the world.” Still, it would’ve been way cooler if they’d introduced them by saying, “Behold! The LEVITATIONARIUM!”

  SILENT PARTIES

  You know what the worst part about a dance party in which people get together to dance to loud, thumping, nonstop electronic music? All of the music of course. Who needs all that audible music delivered via speakers so as to be heard by all in attendance, right?

  The concept of a “silent party” goes back to a 1969 Finnish science-fiction movie call
ed A Time of Roses. Taking place in the distance, space-age future, partygoers are depicted dancing in a silent room. Brainwashed? No. They’re all listening to the same music on individual pairs of headphones, sent out via wireless signal. That’s a pretty obscure movie, but it may have inspired the “silent disco” trend that took off in the British isles in the 2000s.

  In 2000 a BBC-sponsored “silent gig” was held in Cardiff, Wales. The hundreds of attendees listened to various DJs spin music through wireless headphones, to which the music was beamed. The concept is ideal for places with noise restrictions, or where curfews limit how late clubs or private parties may play loud music. If the place is silent, the music can go on well into the night. The only sound is the sound of feet shuffling.

  SELF-DRIVING CARS

  Along with food pills and video phones, the idea of self-driving cars has long been a staple of Western culture’s collective idea of “the future,” and thanks to the brain trust at Oxford University, those visions are finally on the verge of becoming reality. Led by Professor Paul Newman, a group of scientists has developed a self-driving system, which they’ve installed on a Nissan Leaf and have begun testing on university grounds. (Although the system still requires someone to be situated squarely in the driver’s seat.) The programming, which uses 3-D laser scanning to build up a map of the vehicle’s surroundings that’s accurate to within a few centimeters, has been tested successfully at up to 40 mph.