Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Another ice cream innovation: the Motorized Ice Cream Cone. Should you tire of moving your mouth all around an ice cream cone, or even worse, turning the cone now and then to lick up drips or evenly consume the ice cream, this contraption does the work for you. Just place a scoop of ice cream in the cone-shaped plastic machine, press the button, and you can swirl your chocolate-vanilla with no muscle effort.

  FINGER MUSTACHE TATTOOS

  Tattoos have become completely mainstream, with college students, soccer moms, and businessmen deciding to get pictures permanently etched on their skin, joining the traditional demographics of bikers, prisoners, and sailors. Still, it’s a big commitment to get a tattoo; but depending on where you get it, you can cover it up—lower back, calf, shoulder, for example, can all be covered up with clothes when one grows too embarrassed or old to pull off that cobra in a Yankees hat riding a Segway.

  Harder to cover up: a tattoo on your finger, especially one that was only ever undertaken because it was sort of funny. In a trend that’s taken off around Brooklyn, New York, college-age men and women get a permanent tattoo of a tiny handlebar mustache on one side of their index finger. Why? When they hold it up to their face, above the lip, it looks like they have a tiny, silly mustache.

  The one drawback to a finger mustache tattoo (other than actually having a finger mustache tattoo) is that the joke doesn’t work if you’re wearing gloves. Problem solved: You can now buy gloves printed with a mustache on one side of the index fingers, which seems like a better idea, long-term.

  SWISS ARMY RING

  Who among us hasn’t been in the awkward position of being trapped under an extremely tiny tree, with no tools at hand to free ourselves from almost-certain discomfort? Or perhaps we’ve needed to comb a stray moustache hair before an important client meeting, with no idea how to do it?

  Well, if you wake up in a cold sweat dreading these, and only these, nightmare scenarios, you can now sleep easy, thanks to the Titanium Utility Ring. The ring, which is just 9 mm wide, is a multi-tool marvel that’s sure to make normal-size tools obsolete. Folded inside the Titanium Utility Ring are the essential apparatuses for persevering in any situation: comb, straight blade, bottle opener, saw, and serrated blade.

  With so many miniature tools at your disposal, the possibilities are endless. Why, you could open loosely capped bottles, dig your way out of a poorly constructed prison, or have the most immaculately groomed hamster of all your friends. In fact, the only item the Titanium Utility Ring doesn’t come with is a sundial to measure how long it takes to do all of those things.

  THE CIGARETTE RING

  For many, the toughest part about smoking isn’t the smell, the bad breath, the social stigma, or the health risks, but the manual dexterity involved in holding the cigarette between your fingers. In 1936 one clever soul, Watson P. Aull of St. Louis, tried to give comfort to clumsy smokers everywhere when he created the Cigarette Ring.

  Worn on the index finger, the Cigarette Ring was a tiny clamp that sat on a base. Smokers would place the cigarette into the clamp, whereupon it could be puffed with ease, particularly by those who like to gesture with their hands when they talk. When finished, the smoker would simply unlock the clamp and dispose of the cigarette. The ring portion wrapped itself around the finger via a series of beads with a spring on one side. This allowed smokers of all shapes and sizes to pass theirs down from generation to generation (early, because of emphysema) without having to take them to the local jeweler to get them resized.

  But although the ring angled the cigarette to keep the other fingers away from the lit end, Aull forgot to include a receptacle, meaning that the falling ashes would land directly on the user’s hand.

  MANNEQUIN GUITAR

  No matter how weird an item may be, it’s still a fair bet that someone somewhere will see it and say, “I must have it! I simply must!” Sometimes, though, you see something and find yourself a little concerned about what sort of person would get excited about an item like that, and the Mannequin Guitar is absolutely one such item.

  Why? In short, because it’s one of the creepiest things you’re likely to ever see, let alone play. For reasons unknown, Lou Reimuller, a luthier by trade (that’s someone who makes and repairs stringed instruments), decided that what the world needed was for someone to take a guitar and meld it into the abdomen of an armless mannequin of a little girl. “Sure, it freaks me out,” you might say. “But how does it sound?” It’s a valid question, but, frankly, we’re not even sure that anyone beyond its creator has ever played the thing. Some might give Reimuller points for thinking outside the box, but most would likely take one look at this disconcerting amalgamation and call the authorities.

  A WORKING MODEL OF THE EARTH

  The problem with studying the Earth is that we’re all standing on it. Imagine trying to describe the appearance of a house without ever leaving the interior. It can be done, but only with lots of inference and extrapolation, and with questionable accuracy.

  Professor Dan Lathrop of the University of Maryland is tackling this problem head-on. He studies the Earth’s magnetic field—the force that makes compass needles point north and helps shield the planet from solar radiation. The field is not a constant; its polarity flip-flops occasionally, and the field appears to be weakening overall with time. Lathrop wants to construct a theoretical model to predict the field’s future behavior. His solution: Create a physical model, a mini-Earth to mimic the real thing on a manageable scale.

  Lathrop’s first attempt, a two-foot-diameter ball weighing 500 pounds, was unsuccessful. Since 2008 he’s been working on the Three Meter Geodynamo—a 10-foot, 30 ton sphere. When filled with a core of molten sodium and set spinning at 90 mph, it will—in theory—provide invaluable data about the workings of our planet. And if this one doesn’t work as expected, well, surely there are other uses for a gigantic model of the Earth. Perhaps a model-train layout.

  WAR KITE

  Acowboy named Sam Cody had severeal interests: guns, prospecting, horses …and kites. In 1902 Cody invented a kite that could lift a man half a mile into the air. During testing for the Cody Box Kite, he suffered numerous injuries, such as a broken arm and a near-drowning. Undeterred, Cody did what one does with any whimsical invention: He demonstrated his kite to the British navy so it could be used to kill people. The Cody Box Kite, in fighting mode, offered such features as a camera and a rifle, sort of like an extremely rudimentary fighter jet.

  The navy declined to adopt the Box Kite for military use. Despite this setback, Cody went on to invent a variety of successful flying devices, including a plane that would become the first aircraft flown in British airspace. (Later, he managed to fly a plane directly into a cow, which is also neat.) He also created a Kite Boat, in which he somehow traversed the English Channel. In 1913 Cody died much as he lived: hurtling to the ground in a Waterplane, another of his inventions.

  NEW WOOD

  The production of wood products wreaks environmental damage, from habitat loss to pollution to splinters. Fortunately, progress is steadily being made towards sustainable alternative that will allow both trees and environmental advocates to breathe a sigh of relief. One possible option: Arboform.

  This product could be the most exciting thing to happen to watery wood products since Wite-Out. Arboform was invented in the late ’90s by a group of German scientists at the Fraunhofer Institute for Chemical Technology. They discovered that lignin, a key element of wood, can be transformed into a plastic-like material when mixed with resins and other natural substances. Unlike normal wood, Arboform doesn’t require trees to be cut down, and it can be easily cast into just about any shape imaginable. It’s also biodegradable and doesn’t muck up the environment like common plastic products that require millions of barrels of oil to make every year.

  Everything from baby toys to stereo speakers is now made out of Arboform, but TECNARO, the German company that produces the stuff, has yet to put the logging industry out of busi
ness.

  THE PSYCHIC PLANT

  It has long been accepted wisdom, if impossible to prove, that talking to one’s plants can help them grow. An inventor took this a step further and found a way to make the plants talk back, and even possibly predict the future.

  The Entertaining Growth System is basically a flowerpot that comes with a form-fitting lid that has two holes—labeled “yes” and “no”—cut out of it. Simply plant a seed as you would any other, then ask it a question. Whichever hole the seedling pokes itself out of is the answer, provided that the germination takes place before the question is forgotten. It’s like a Magic 8-Ball, but with only two answers and no instant gratification.

  Although phototropism means that the plant would poke out itself out of one of the holes, the inventor may not have realized that it would always go toward the hole that received the most light. Therefore, through proper placement, owners could literally bend the plants to their own will and game the fortune-telling processing a bit, the botanical equivalent of leaning on the Ouija Board gamepiece.

  THE EYEBORG

  When he was nine years old, Rob Spence lost his right eye in a shooting accident. Years later, the documentary filmmaker came up with an idea while looking at the camera on his smartphone. If a working, high-performance camera lens could be made small enough to fit into a handheld phone, surely something similar could fit inside his empty eye socket.

  Spence called his friend Kosta Grammatis, an engineer. Together, they spent three weeks designing a robotic eye similar to the ones in the cranium of the unstoppable T-800 cyborg played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1991 movie Terminator 2. Using a tiny camera donated by OmniVision, a company that specializes in pint-size photography equipment, they constructed a prosthetic device called “the Eyeborg.” It fits inside Rob’s empty socket. He also has a second version that glows red, much like the electric eye of a Terminator.

  Unfortunately, the Eyeborg isn’t connected to his brain and hasn’t restored his vision. Instead, it shows others how Rob views his surrounding environment in real time via a handheld screen. Still, the prototype was listed as one of the “Best Inventions of 2009” by Time. While it’s fairly rudimentary, the Eyeborg is a step in the right direction. With more advanced technology along these lines, maybe in another decade or two humanity will be able to say, “Hasta la vista, blindness.” (Get it?)

  INVISIBLE BIKE HELMETS

  One of the drawbacks of commuting by bicycle (along with cars and the fact that it is exercise) is wearing a helmet. Many cities now require cyclists to wear them, but they totally mess up your hair and they’re a pain to carry around—protection from head injury be damned.

  But now there’s a solution for those who cycle but hate to wear a helmet. In 2005 Swedish design students Anna Haupt and Terese Alstin designed the Hövding, or the “invisible bike helmet.” The concept won them a grant, and after several years of tweaking, the Hövding hit the market in 2011. Not really a helmet, the Hövding falls somewhere between a collar and an airbag. Worn around the neck, it contains a protective bag that inflates in a fraction of a second if the wearer gets in an accident. The Hövding has a sensor that tracks “abnormal movements.” If it detects something’s amiss, a gas inflator fills the bag with helium.

  The Hövding runs on a battery that’s charged via a USB cord, much like a smartphone. The helmet also contains an airplane-style “black box” that records the acceleration and velocity of the wearer during an accident, information that could come in handy on an insurance claim. As if that weren’t enough, users can order colorful removable liners so that their Hövding can match any outfit. A Hövding will set you back 499 euros, or about $665.

  GREENHOUSE HELMET

  Some of the world’s biggest and best cities also have some of the world’s biggest and best parks, perfect for jogging or bicycling. The problem is that those big cities are often horribly smog-choked, particularly on warm, sunny days; times that are preferred for outdoor exercise are rendered toxic by air pollution. The solution: the Greenhouse Helmet. More than just a plastic bubble protecting you and your lungs from the bad air outside, it’s a complete mini-ecosystem inside.

  It consists of a large plastic dome that seals firmly around the head. Inside are tiny shelves outfitted with plants, which, you might remember from junior-high science class, take in the carbon dioxide humans expel, and in turn expel oxygen. This creates an environment of a constant exchange of clean air.

  And so you don’t have to come across as a complete weirdo, the Greenhouse Helmet comes with speakers and a microphone for communicating with people who are not inside the Greenhouse Helmet.

  REMOTE-CONTROLLED HORSE

  There are few sensations that can compare to riding the range on a strong stallion, but if you’re one of the few couch cowboys who can’t be bothered to stop watching reruns of Gunsmoke and Bonanza long enough to hop into the saddle, fear not: In the early 1980s, an astute inventor came up with the perfect solution to your problem.

  If the idea of a remote-controlled horse sounds laughable and self-defeating, that’s only because it is. After equipping your trusty steed with the appropriate saddle, you’ll be able to use your joystick to control the mechanized reins, thereby steering the horse in whichever direction you choose. For sadists, there’s also the added bonus of being able to use the remote control to activate a whip to keep your horse in line. (This product has not been endorsed by PETA.)

  Given how few jockeys have been replaced by this system, it’s fair to say that this remote control has yet to revolutionize the world of horse racing, but with a few tweaks to New York City’s budget, just imagine how relaxed those guys driving the carriages around Central Park could be.

  INFINITE SOAP

  Waste not, want not” is one of those phrases you don’t hear much anymore, but it’s the kind of thing our Depression-era grandmothers liked to say. Which is why we wish they were still around to enjoy the Stack Infinite Soap Bar Cycle, a brilliantly goofy innovation that takes those words to a whole new level.

  The idea here is pretty simple: Ordinary bars of soap, no matter how nice they smell or how good they are at cleaning us off, always end up as useless slivers that prevent us from getting every penny of our money’s worth. To solve the problem, the folks at Stack devised a design with a “unique grooved shape” that you can use to “piggyback” your old soap onto a brand new bar, thus creating what they’re calling the world’s first “waste-free Infinite Cycle of Soap.”

  Of course, as our grandmother probably would have been quick to point out (while sternly wagging her finger), there’s nothing stopping you from just squeezing your ordinary soap slivers into a plain old new bar that doesn’t cost $13. But where would this great nation be if we ignored inventions that cost us extra money in the name of saving us money?

  HUMAN SAIL

  According to the sketches that accompanied the 1998 patent filing, the Human Sail looks like a full-body apparatus that transforms the wearer into a superhero, enabling flight and super-speed both in the air and on land. After all, it includes a strap-on backpack, mechanical wings, and inline skates. The truth is far less interesting: It’s called a “body mounted sail assembly.” Rather than turn a person into a super-human, it turns them into a human sailboat. The “wings” on the back are sails; the user flaps the wings, ever so gently, to capture the wind and propel themselves forward…on their roller skates. It’s basic physics, nothing more, nothing less, and a great labor-saving device for someone who likes to roller skate but is too lazy to lean forward or propel themselves by their own power.

  SADISTIC BABY GADGETS

  The Baby Cage

  Pediatricians have long debated the physical and emotional ramifications of “co-sleeping”—parents allowing baby to sleep in bed with them, rather than in a crib of their own down the hall. One genius sought to solve the very real and very frightening logistical concerns of co-sleeping (baby rolling off the bed, parents rolling onto bab
y) by inventing the Baby Cage, an oval dome that keeps baby locked inside and in place. And it’s laced with curved crossbars sturdy enough to hold a parent’s weight in case of a roll-over. So, hooray, baby survives the night…locked in a tiny prison.

  The Diaper Alarm

  One of the less appetizing perks of bringing up baby is the diaper check: the pat, the sniff, the grope that helps a parent figure out when it’s time to make a change before the nappy runneth over. Putting a stop to such indignities was the goal of the Diaper Alarm, a battery-powered sensor that attached to the Huggies and initiated a mild electrical induction when wet, culminating in flashing lights and an audible alarm. A pool of pee-pee, a jolt of electricity, and baby’s little privates—what could go wrong?

  The Baby Patter

  How far will new parents go for a good night’s sleep? Apparently not far enough to make a fortune for the inventor of the Baby Patter, which provides a very loose interpretation of the word “soothe.” Designed with the notion that an occasional tender touch keeps a sleeping infant content, the Patter attached to a crib and featured a motorized, robotlike arm—with “hand” attached—that sporadically would spring to life (gently, let’s hope) and “pat” the sleeping baby’s bottom. Can you feel the (robot) love tonight? So can baby…as long as it doesn’t scooch around to face the opposite direction.

  Cry No More