My Heart

by A J Wolf

  My heart is screaming at me to tell him what he wants to hear, anything to make him stay. I open my mouth but I can't get the words out, I can't guarantee I won't push him away. I didn't want to come back. I'm still bitter about his role in Julian's death. I can talk for hours about how I should blame Julian but that doesn't suddenly make me feel differently. "You brought me back Remy. You knew I wasn't ready, yet you did it anyway." I pause to take a deep breath and his hand tightens on the door handle. "I'm aware you did what you had to do. I know you don't understand my anger and I have been unfair in putting sole blame on you, even knowing that doesn't change the feelings I have. But I also know that I need you to help me heal, I need you to help me understand why Julian would do this. You were the only other person he had any respect for, considered family. Help me get answers and then maybe I can fix myself enough to stitch us back together too." He doesn't move, doesn't say anything. So I walk to him and wrap my arms around his waist, press my face into his back. Let his bergamot and vanilla scent calm my pounding heart. "I want you; I need you. I'm tired of grieving the loss of both you and Julian." He’s as still and silent as a sentinel so I continue, "You were right though, when you said I missed you before. I did miss you. I missed you so much that sometimes I wasn't sure if I was mourning the loss of Julian or you." My words are muffled into his back and I'm unsure if he even understood me, clinging to him with an uncertainty that is making my throat tight.

  I feel him start to turn and I loosen my grip, letting him face me. He reaches down, lifts me up and I wrap around his body as tightly as I can with my legs and arms, pressing my face into his neck. He has a hand at my nape, wrapped in my hair, and an arm under my butt. I feel him walk to the bed and sit with me wrapped up around him. He gently lifts my face, forcing my gaze, "You never truly lost me Cuore Mio, you'll never lose me." He copies my earlier gesture, resting his face in the crook of my neck, tightening his arms around me.

  It feels good to be held after holding myself up for so long. "It felt like I had, still does in a way. But I don't want to feel that way. I want to be us again." I whisper it into his neck, unwilling to put extra space between us.

  He presses a kiss to my neck, sitting back slightly, "I've been trying to figure out why Julian did what he did. No one is talking and he didn't leave any evidence behind." Running a hand through my hair, he takes a big breath, "But I've been trying Bev. I've been trying to find us both answers since you left."

  I nod but say nothing. I figured as much or assumed he would have told me if he'd found something I didn't already know. But it is nice to know he has been searching for the truth. Palming his face, I bring our foreheads together and close my eyes. "You're done for the night?" He hums a confirmation, running is hands up my sides. "Stay with me."

  He moves to kiss my forehead and shifts us back on the bed. I watch as he gets up and flicks the lights off, letting streaks of moonlight shine through the windows. Track his movements as he removes his shirt and drops it over my head, smiling at me as I awkwardly stuff my arms through the sleeves. He tugs my towel out from under it then tosses it to the floor, pulling me to him on the bed. Laying side by side, face to face he tucks us under the blankets, kisses my nose and brings a hand to caress my cheek. "Can I kiss you Cuore Mio?"

  My heart is thumping in my ears at his question, a sweet whisper of a request. In answer I scoot closer and softly press my lips to his, I'm not willing to take it further yet but we both need this connection. He uses his fingers to brush my hair from my face, running his thumb along my cheek and jaw. Shifting my face to press kisses to my neck and back to my lips. His grip tightens as he tugs me closer, silently asking for more. I let him deepen the kiss, tongue stroking my own, savoring the soft groan that escapes our tangled lips. Every kiss is soft and lingering. Every brush of fingertips, press of a palm, scrape of teeth sweet and unrushed. We become a tangle of legs, arms and hands, both of us using each other as a balm for our burned hearts. Allowing us just a brief moment of the old us to take place of the mess we've become.

  Breaths rough and skin heated, Remy pulls back and presses a kiss to my temple, understanding my need to keep it from going any further. Wrapping me up close he whispers in my ear, "We'll figure it out Cuore Mio." My heart is flickering with a soft glow that it hasn't felt in such a long time and I know he's right, we will. I close my eyes and kiss his chest. Pressing my face into his warm skin while letting the jagged tune of his evening breaths lull me to sleep.

  Chapter Seven

  "I know you're supposed to be watching me, but do you have to be so close?" I ask the made man who has been following me since I left the house. It hasn't escaped my notice that Remy has upped the security on me since I've been back. It's been two weeks since we've come to an agreement of sorts to try and make us work yet he hasn't let up on my bodyguards; I can only guess he doesn't trust me to not run off which is slightly insulting. The guard my question was directed towards isn't one I've seen before, younger than Remy usually allows in my watch, probably early twenties. He's blushing at my question, no doubt embarrassed he was caught.

  "I... I’m sorry Ms. Luciano. It's my first time on guard today. I usually just run errands."

  Taking a drink of my macchiato I walk past him and motion with my head for him to come along, he will anyway but I might as well pretend I want his company if I'm forced to have a bodyguard. "It's just Beverly. Do you want a coffee too?" He shakes his head, dark curls flopping with the act. He has a cute innocence about him that I find endearing. I highly doubt he's as innocent as he seems or there is no way he'd be guarding me. "You're sure? Remy wouldn't care and I'm saying it's fine."

  He smiles and stuffs his hands in his pockets, awkwardly looking around. "No, it's okay. Thank you."

  I shrug, "What's your name? If we're going to be spending the day together, we might as well get chummy."

  He looks slightly terrified and quickly shakes his head, hands raised, "No, I don't think we should hang out. I should call one of the other guards to switch me shifts." He starts to pull his phone out and I snatch it, holding it out of reach.

  "What? Why can't you hang out with me? You're going to be watching me anyway, might as well do it the less creepy way."

  Swallowing nervously, he looks at his phone in my hand and then back to my face, "Capo Famiglia gave specific orders."

  Narrowing my gaze, I put my hands on my hips. "What did he say exactly?"

  He’s looking around like he’s trying to plot the best escape route, "Tocca o parla con mia moglie fuori turno e io ti spezzerò personalmente le gambe." He shifts nervously on the spot as I frown at him.

  "I don't speak Italian. What did he say in English?"

  "He said he will break my legs if I talk to or touch you out of turn." It’s mumbled and spoken towards the ground as he side eyes me through his curls.

  I can’t help the laugh that bursts out, accidentally coming off a little too harsh. "That's completely ridiculous. Remy will not do that; he was just trying to scare you. Now what's your name?"

  He’s eyeing his phone in my hand rather intensely, so I shift it behind my back, forcing an answer. "Enrico, most of my friends call me Rico."

  "Nice to meet you Rico. What should we do today? I didn't have any set plans. I just needed to get out of the house." Holding his phone out to him, I smile at him. It was meant to be disarming but the look on his face says otherwise.

  Taking the phone warily, he’s careful not to touch my fingers while glancing around us again; probably looking for anyone to tattle on him to Remy. "Um I don't know. My only plan was to follow you around."

  That's fair. I take a drink of my coffee and start walking down the sidewalk. I guess I’ll just wander then. I told my driver not to worry about picking me up for a few hours. I was going to have lunch by myself but now I don't have too thanks to Rico. I glance his way and notice he is still being awkward as fuck. "Rico you need to chill. I doubt any one is out to get me, and I promise Remy won't break
your legs or do anything else he threatened you with."

  Clearing his throat, he gives me a tentative smile and a slight nod. "Yea, okay."

  I return his smile, today won't be nearly as boring as I expected.

  ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

  "You're telling me you've never eaten enchiladas? How is that possible?" Rico is blushing again, sitting across the table from me while we wait for our food. I think it's cute and have turned it into my new game for the day, he's clearly a sensitive man.

  I scoop up some more salsa with a tortilla chip as he looks awkwardly around the restaurant, "I don't know. I usually don't go to Mexican restaurants and when I do, I always order quesadillas."

  "You need to branch out Rico, stick with me and I'll help you." I snap my fingers and point at him excitedly. "I'll ask Remy if you can be my personal guard! I like you much more than the other ones anyway."

  "I don't know..." he starts but I wave at him and he stops.

  "I've already decided that's what's happening. No use in arguing." I go to pull out my phone when someone slips into the booth next to me.

  "Ah Beverly it's good to see you again." I frown at Gavino and non to subtly scoot as far from him in my booth as I can get. Rico is also frowning at him, his hand going to the back of his jeans, presumably where he keeps his gun. That's wildly alarming considering Gavino is one of our own Capos.

  "Gavino." I nod but don't try to initiate any more conversation. I remember Remy reintroducing us the other night. I'm not sure how it slipped my mind that he is Remy's brother, but I'm sure there is a reason we don’t see each other often. I'm not about to try and get to know him now.

  "Beverly, weren't you going to call Remy?" Rico is eyeing Gavino as he speaks, which puts me on edge. I don't know why everything about him is so secretive, but he creeps me out.

  "Yea, I was." Looking at Gavino I notice he has yet to take his eyes off me, "Was there something you needed?"

  He smiles at me, scooting closer and putting his arm on the back of the seat, his fingers close enough to brush the back of my head if he wanted. The action makes Rico shift in his seat and I deepen my frown. "I was just out and about, noticed you and thought I'd say hi. Mind if I join you cognata?"

  Shifting my gaze towards Rico I don't notice Gavino scooting even closer until I turn to look at him, pulling my face back slightly in surprise. "I'm sure Remy would love that. I'll ask if he'd like to come join as well when I call."

  "I'm sure he's busy and you've already ordered food no?” His gaze slips to Rico’s, clear challenge on his face. “Do you need extra protection since I'm here? I'm sure I can handle anything that happens.” Looking back at me, he smiles and reaches for a chip. I'm unsure how to respond but I definitely don't want to eat lunch alone with him.

  "I'm sure you're more than capable of protecting me but Rico has never eaten enchiladas and I'm determined to rectify that. So he's staying." I smile at Rico to try and help settle the tension I can see bouncing between them. "Now if you don't mind Gavino I'd like to use the restroom and call my husband." I shift like I want him to move but he doesn't budge.

  "Rico being here is unnecessary. I can bring you home after lunch." He looks at Rico expecting him to jump up at his command, but thankfully for me, he stays in place.

  "Capo Famiglia asked me to stay with Beverly today so that's what I'll be doing. If you want to take post, I'll need to hear it from him." Rico sits straighter in his seat as he speaks, starting to show the edge that undoubtedly landed him his current guard status. "Now please move so Beverly can make that phone call."

  An awkward amount of time passes before either one of them responds, I don't want to touch Gavino, but I really want to get the hell out of this booth. Gavino finally moves and stands, holding a hand out to assist me. Ignoring it, I try my best to squeeze between him and the table without any contact, but he grabs my elbow. Rico jumps up from the booth, face hard, as I yank my arm away.

  Gavino looks down at me, forcing a smile and nonchalance. "I just remembered I have an appointment to attend too. We'll have to plan for another time."

  I step away from him and nod, "Sure." Sending a side eye Rico's direction, I high tail it to the restroom and lock the door.

  Pulling my phone from my pocket I dial Remy's number; it barely rings before he answers. "Cuore Mio why am I hearing that you and Enrico are having a girl’s day?"

  Snorting, I lean back against the door. "Did you tell Rico you would break his legs if he talked to me?"

  "Or touched you…yes."

  I shake my head even though he can't see it, "That's terrible. You will not. I like Rico and want him to be my personal guard...since you insist on keeping eyes on me at all times."

  He murmurs to someone else on his end before responding to me, "Gavino was with you?"

  I frown at the seriousness in his tone and straighten from the door, "He stopped by the restaurant we're at but left before I called. Don't you think it's weird we barely know each other? He's your brother Remy."

  "We aren't close." He says something in Italian to whoever he's with before talking into the phone again. "Let me know if he shows up again, I'm not fond of him being around without me there."

  I nod before remembering he can't see me, "Yea, okay."

  "I need to go Cuore Mio, I will see you later. Don't let Enrico do anything that will make me break his legs."

  I laugh into the phone, "Bye Remy." I end the call and head back to the table. Thankfully just Rico is there and our food has arrived. Sitting down with a smile I raise my brows at Rico while pushing his enchiladas closer to him, "Are you ready to have your mind blown?"

  ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

  I convinced Rico to ride home with me instead of getting his own ride and by the look on his face he is regretting it. Pulling into the gates I roll my eyes at him, "Remy isn't even home Rico and I already told you I talked to him and he's fine with you being my personal guard. This is what personal guards do." He gives me a side eye that tells me he isn't even the slightest bit convinced and watches me warily as I opened the door to get out.

  Following behind me he stands awkwardly at the front door, "I think I can leave now."

  Oh, that makes sense actually. I turn to face him with a smile. "Okay. Give me your number."

  He frowns at me at, looking around again, "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

  "What? Why? We're friends now Rico. That's what friends do, exchange numbers." He's giving me a look that questions my sanity and shaking his head no. Before he can say anything, I cross my arms over my chest and give him a look of my own. "We are friends, aren't we?"

  Running his hands over his face, he shrugs, "Yea, I guess we are." He hands over his phone and I send myself a text before giving it back, barely able to contain my smile. He stares at his phone a second before looking back at me, "Did you really just put your contact name as 'The executioners wife'?"

  Laughing at my own wit, I toss my hair over my shoulder. "You're so serious Rico, change it if you want but it's funny and you know it. Wait until you meet Delaney, you'll love her."

  Donatello steps out just as I'm finishing and he nods in acknowledgment towards Rico before turning to me, "Why is Enrico meeting Delaney and what is he changing?"

  I’m smiling as a flash of panic crosses Rico's face, "My contact name in his phone, he doesn't like 'The executioners wife'. And why wouldn't he meet her? He's my new personal guard so he's going to be going out with us now."

  Donatello shoots Rico a look, "Capo Famiglia know you're exchanging numbers uomo morto?"

  I don't know what he said but the look on Rico's face says enough so I smack Donatello’s arm, "Knock it off Donatello. I made him because I've decided we're going to be friends. Remy already threatened to break his legs; he doesn't need your bullshit also." I raise a brow at Donatello until he huffs out a dramatic breath and nods.

  Rico clears his throat and starts walking backwards, "Okay. Well I'm leaving now, bye Beverly." He gives me an awkw
ard wave and nods toward Donatello before spinning to speed walk to the car we came in.

  As soon as he's heading towards the gates I turn on Donatello, "I like Rico, I don't like a lot of people, don't fuck this up for me by being a protective freak."

  He laughs while rubbing his jaw. "Fine. But good luck convincing Remy to let him stay around."

  ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

  After giving Dylan all the toys I bought him today I change into a plain cotton tank nightie, it's snug but soft. My stomach rumbles and I look at the time, eight fifteen. Gretchen doesn't work the weekends and I'm not willing to go down and make myself something. Remy said he would be home around eight, so I can just wait for him, I'll probably be able to convince him to cook. As if on cue Remy walks in, unbuttoning his dress shirt and carrying a brown sack. Dylan barks once at the intrusion and then lays back down after seeing who it is.

  "Is that Benny's Burgers?" I ask excitedly, skipping over to snatch the bag. I fucking love Benny's.

  Remy chuckles and goes to the closet while I tear the bag open, pulling out the food on the bed. "I figured you'd wait for me to eat."

  He figured right, the smart man. I start stuffing my face, tossing a few fries to Dylan. Remy comes out shirtless in just a pair of sweats, running his hands through his hair while stretching. I shove the rest of the burger in my mouth while ogling him. He has flat black studs in his ears instead of the usual diamonds and as he gets closer I can faintly smell cigarette smoke on his skin, "Rough day?" I’m tracking his movements with my eyes. Dylan nudges my hand with his nose and I absently toss some more fries at him.

  Remy turns his gaze my way, eyes roaming over me, just noticing my nightie. It's hardly a sexy thing but I usually just wear oversized tees and shorts. "I don't want to talk work..." He starts stalking towards me, licking his lower lip, "New outfit Cuore Mio?"

  I suddenly feel shy under his predatory gaze and start shifting back, farther onto the bed. He carefully grabs the food bag and trash, setting them on his nightstand before turning back to face me. "Aren't you hungry?" My heart starts dancing in my ribs at his smile.