The Amazing Adventures of Gramma

by Holly Vellekoop

  “After Carl alerted me to what was going on, we got lucky. When those thieves approached me about buying the items you were looking for, I called Carl right away. The way they acted was suspicious. Especially when they refused to tell me who they were selling them for. It’s well known I have my own Lincoln collection. Especially anything related to Lincoln in Gettysburg. They probably thought since I’m only going to be here for tonight, I’d buy them and move on tomorrow. We got lucky when Carl put me onto your being involved in their recovery. So, here we are.”

  “You know what to do, right?” Gramma asked.

  “Yep.” He laughed out loud. “By the way. Carl showed me a picture of his dog Doo Doo. That’s one honkin’ dog.”

  Gramma rolled her eyes.

  It was then Andy, seated alone at another table called out to all the patrons, “Look. It’s AGS, the Gangnam Style guy.”

  Andy got up and went over to shake AGS’s hand and shouted to the patrons, “I bet he’ll give you all an autograph if you ask. And look, it’s Mildred, Senior Rightie Lady Arm Wrestling Champion. Oh, my goodness,” Andy said, pointing at Gramma. “Hey, why don’t you two arm wrestle here?”

  Patrons began crowding around the table to see the famous AGS they knew and ‘Mildred,’ who they wanted to get to know.

  While everyone was focused on the celebrities, Andy left the room.

  Dozens of people patiently waited in line as AGS signed autographs and permitted them to photograph him. They phoned and texted friends to come to the inn and see the famous AGS and some senior female arm wrestler named ‘Mildred.’

  People started flowing in, responding to the texts and calls from their family and friends. Some did Gangnam Style moves for AGS to approve.

  AGS nodded his head in appreciation of their great talent. He got up and busted a move or two with some of them which caused a huge uproar.

  Even though none of the patrons knew the blonde ‘Mildred,’ they asked for her autograph, too, and snapped photos of them pretending to arm wrestle her.

  Gramma took it all in stride, hamming it up by flexing her muscles and getting AGS to touch her biceps and proclaim them to be impressive.

  AGS hammed it up for the crowd, lifting his eyebrows in astonishment at ‘Mildred’s’ enviable physique.

  Jimmy, the owner of the inn, having heard Andy’s suggestion of an arm wrestling bout between AGS and Mildred, personally bussed the table for the stars. “Arm wrestle, you two. Please?” he asked of them. Dollar signs danced in his head for all the patrons who’ll want to stay and eat at the inn where such a fun event took place. I’ll get a sign made for out front, boasting they were here.

  By then, Gramma and AGS were in show-time mode.

  AGS took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and danced around the room, proclaiming himself the Gangnam Style arm wrestling champion.

  One of the patrons pulled up AGS’s music on their phone and played it for him to dance to.

  “Cashin’ in,” they said.

  AGS swung into top gear and took it up a notch, hamming for the patrons who were taping the performance on their cell phones. Hips rolled back and forth and legs slid around as if made of Jell-O.

  “So legit,” one of the patrons yelled out.

  Gramma, not to be outdone, pushed up her sleeves and did her own version of the Gangnam Style dance. She hopped back and forth, arms behind her head, then flailing up and down to emphasize her great moves.

  There was some oohing and aahing in the crowd in response.

  “I’m puttin’ this on YouTube,” one of the patrons yelled.

  “That’s sick,” another screamed.

  Gramma looked their way.

  “That’s a good thing,” the patron explained.

  AGS and Gramma finished their dance and sat down at the table, preparing to arm wrestle.

  The crowd moved in to watch the bout.

  “Go easy on ’er,” one of the patrons shouted.

  Gramma glanced at the rude, obviously uninformed shouter. She gave him one of her ‘Gramma Looks.’

  The uninformed shouter felt as he’d been disciplined.

  Gramma’s phone rang and she winked at AGS and answered the call. “It’s my son,” she said.

  “Hello, sweetheart,” Gramma said. “I’ll be home in a couple days. Yes, I’m fine. No, nothing going on here. See you soon. I love you.” She turned off her phone.

  “You’re not stalling are you? Let’s get this show on the road,” AGS said. “You sure you want to do this?”

  “How about you? You sure you want to arm wrestle the Senior Rightie Lady Arm Wrestling Champion?” She stood and flexed her biceps and triceps.

  Most of the crowd didn’t know what to say. So they cheered.

  AGS looked concerned but nodded his head. “Bring it on,” he answered.

  “I’m stoked. Do you have any last words?” Gramma asked.

  “Don’t rush me.”

  “Not thought provoking, but prophetic, I guess,” Gramma replied

  AGS and Gramma, aka ‘Mildred,’ got serious.

  If someone could have measured it, the room’s testosterone level would have been over the top.

  “Hooker-style or roller-style?” Gramma asked. She propped up her right arm and flexed her hand.

  “But I’m left-handed,” AGS said.

  Gramma instantly changed hands. She smiled condescendingly at AGS and sighed.

  “God love him,” she said to the crowd.

  By now, the whole inn, staff and all, had entered the dining area to witness the show. What it was going to be like they weren’t sure, but everyone was enthralled with the excitement of hosting their famous guests.

  Happy onlookers were taking bets with AGS the 5 to 1 winner. Money flowed freely back and forth.

  Two mats were placed on the table for the contestants to place their elbows.

  Situated and ready to go, the performer and the gramma locked hands.

  Jimmy assumed the role of referee, explaining that fouls will be called when necessary.

  “If either contestant gets themselves in a ‘break-arm’ position, the match will be called and their opponent will be declared the winner,” Jimmy barked.

  The match began with AGS immediately forcing Gramma’s arm toward the table.

  Gramma’s arm hovered a couple inches above defeat. It rocked and quivered, quivered and rocked, precariously close to the mat.

  The crowd grew silent, expecting an early defeat.

  Miraculously, Gramma’s arm recovered to an upright position.

  The crowd cheered, except for those betting on AGS, of course.

  Perspiration rolled down AGS’s face.

  Gramma grimaced and grunted and held on.

  Back and forth they went, with each sometimes getting the other’s arm in a perilous situation, only to recover.

  They made noises and shifted positions as best they could.

  Over the top of AGS’s shoulder, Gramma saw Andy nodding her way.

  Gramma winked at AGS.

  He caught the cue and relaxed his grip.

  Gramma slammed his arm to the tabletop in a resounding crash.

  “Bam,” she yelled. “I own you.”

  AGS grimaced.

  Gramma jumped up, threw her arms in the air triumphantly and danced a short Gangnam Style victory jig around the room. She patted AGS on the back as she flowed by.

  “You’re the strongest opponent I’ve had to date,” Gramma said. "And by the way, if you want to copy any of my dance moves, feel free to do so."

  AGS thanked her. “Good job,” he whispered in her ear. He laughed out loud.

  AGS begged off more photos, saying he had to go to the bathroom. He went to the men’s room where he crawled out the window and had his driver whisk him away to his hotel.

  Gramma, aka ‘Mildred,’ received hearty congratulations from all. She pushed strands of her blonde wig away from her eyes.

  Onlookers requested and received p
hoto ops with the winner.

  Gramma obliged them all.

  “Great victory. How’d you score the win?” Jimmy asked.

  “Strength and technique, young man,” Gramma said.

  “You kicked butt,” one of the older women said. “Yay for us seniors.”

  “There’s no free lunch,” Gramma said. “I wasn’t gonna let him win just because he’s famous. However, in my humble opinion, I knew I was the best of the two of us.”

  While the crowd was squaring the bets, Gramma slipped to the ladies’ bathroom, took off the blonde wig, pulled clothes out of her bag and changed her outfit. She removed the black frame eyeglasses and donned wire-rimmed ones.

  Andy was already in the car in the garden driveway behind the inn when Gramma crept out the back door. She was ready to get in the passenger’s side when Jimmy stepped between her and the car.

  “Give the stuff back,” he demanded.

  “What stuff?” Gramma said sweetly.

  “You know what stuff. The stuff your driver stole from our Inn. And quit the cutesy gramma act,” Jimmy said. “Quite a show you put on in there. Thought all of us would be distracted, didn’t you? Well, when I saw your driver come back into the room and signal you, I knew something was up.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gramma said.

  “You either tell him to give me the collectibles back or, old lady or not, I’m gonna’ cut you up.” He pulled a knife out from his pocket and circled around her.

  Andy began to feel sorry for Jimmy. Only a little bit, though.

  “You better back off from her,” Andy said.

  “Or what?” Jimmy sneered.

  “It’s your funeral,” Andy answered.

  Jimmy made his move toward Gramma.

  “You want a piece of me?” she asked.

  Jimmy yelled a battle cry and lunged at Gramma. Knife out in front, he swung the weapon back and forth, throwing it from one hand to another in theatrical moves.

  “Very West Side Story,” Gramma said. “Unimpressive.”

  “Huh?”

  “Good grief. Don’t any of you clowns ever read a book or see a play?”

  Offended, Jimmy lunged forward.

  Gramma ducked to the side, turned, and promptly pepper-sprayed Jimmy in the face with enough juice to stop a gorilla. She watched Jimmy’s reaction and kissed her pink pepper sprayer.

  “These are quite effective for defenseless females like me,” she said to Andy. “I rule.”

  Andy agreed.

  Jimmy screamed like a little girl and grabbed his eyes. Crying and wailing, he fell to the ground, writhing around, attempting to clear the mist from his face with a dirty handkerchief. He snorted and sniffled and beat the ground with his fists. He rolled about, getting his shoes and hair dusty and dirty. It was an ugly scene.

  “I’ll sue you,” he managed to croak out through his pain-filled face.

  “You can’t. It’s an all natural product in a one ounce canister,” Gramma said. “Gee, for a professional, you don’t know much about self defense and the law, do you?”

  Jimmy moaned and cursed.

  Gramma promptly reprimanded him for his bad language. “I’m getting tired of having to correct you foul-mouthed types. Now behave or I’m calling your gramma and tell on you.”

  “Told you so. I tried to warn you, didn’t I?” Andy said to the suffering Jimmy. “But you wouldn’t listen.”

  Andy drove himself and Gramma away.

  Chapter 20

  Home Again, Loose Ends

  “Lookie here,” Gramma said to Andy and Lola. “I received this from AGS.” She held out an 8 by 10 glossy of the two of them arm-wrestling. In the corner, AGS had autographed it with the notation, ‘To the Winner,’ signed inside a hand-drawn heart.

  “That’s so cool, Gramma,” Lola said. “Did you really win the arm wrestling or did AGS let you win? Tell me the truth.”

  Gramma furrowed her brow. “Enough about that,” she said. “I’m over it. Let’s move on.”

  “I’m so glad we were able to return those items to Cabot,” Gramma said. “AGS really came through with their whereabouts.”

  “Your show with AGS gave me the cover I needed to get inside the hidden Underground Railroad room in the inn, grab the stuff and get to the car.”

  “You should’ve taken me with you,” Lola said. “I could take off school.”

  Gramma and Andy looked at her like she had two heads.

  “Well, when I graduate, I’ll be able to work for the Development, too. It won’t be long.”

  “Besides having your Juris Doctor Degree, you’ll need the kind of training we all get,” Gramma said. “Then, if you still want to join us, we’ll be happy to have you.”

  Lola smiled.

  Lunch at Munchy Mutts...

  “Hey, look who it is,” a familiar voice cried out when Gramma and her two grandchildren entered the restaurant.

  “Mugger Mikey. I mean Mikey,” Gramma called out.

  “That’s okay. I was Mugger Mikey, Gramma. Now, I’m Maître d’ Mikey. Welcome to Munchy Mutts. May I show you a table?” Mikey gave Gramma a hug and whisked her, Andy and Lola off to a prime table.

  “Between your group for teen offenders and my Nana and Pappy, I was able to start over, away from a life of crime. Everything’s so much better now. Thanks to you,” Mikey said. He puffed up, rearranged the napkin over his arm and presented his guests with menus. “It’s on the house. I insist.”

  Their meals were enjoyed.

  During dessert, a waitress came over to their table.

  “Someone asked me to give this note to you.” The waitress put the paper in front of Gramma.

  Gramma unfolded it and read. She jumped up from her chair and looked around.

  “Where are you Poppy? Huh? You just have to have a big audience for everything you do, don’t you? Anyone else would come after me in a dark alley, but no, you have to have a crowd watching.”

  “You’re the one who likes an audience,” Poppy Gold called from the back of the room. “No matter what we’re working on, you had to one-up everyone. You and your, ‘Oh, look at me, I’m the gramma. I can do anything.’” She swung her gun back and forth, ordering the other patrons to get out of the building.

  All but a couple people took her advice. Andy and Lola remained seated at the table.

  “You’re just jealous because Grampa turned you down when you tried to get him to date you. Right? You’re not mad at me because I turned you in for the traitor you are. You’re mad because Grampa wouldn’t give you the time of day when you were hitting on him. As I recall, his exact words were, ‘Thanks, but no thanks, I’ve already got the best.’ That really frosted you, didn’t it?”

  Poppy advanced forward, her weapon drawn. “Stop it. I could’ve had any man I wanted.”

  “Any man, except my husband,” Gramma said. “Checkmate, Harold Jones.”

  Poppy, furious at Gramma calling her by her real name, made the mistake of grabbing her prey by the arm.

  “This is not gonna turn out well for that Poppy person,” Mikey whispered to Andy and Lola.

  Gramma twisted hard and turned, one arm on Poppy’s weapon and the other chopping down on her attacker’s arm.

  Poppy screamed in pain, dropped her gun and began beating on Gramma.

  Gramma brought both her arms up between Poppy’s extended arms, causing her younger attacker to fall backwards and lose her balance.

  Poppy fell onto the floor. Her jumpsuit unzipped, showing a large amount of skin and underwear.

  “My word,” Gramma said. “Look at you exposing and embarrassing yourself. That is not a good look for you. None of you bad guys know how to dress properly when you’re working. Heidi Klum would have some harsh words for your wardrobe and fashion choices.”

  “Aren’t you going to help your gramma?” Mikey whispered to Andy.

  “Nah. It’s so futile for Poppy. I don’t want to interfere and throw Gramma of
f her stride. She’d signal me if she needed some help.”

  Gramma jumped directly on Poppy. She pinned her hands back and tightly tied them with one of the restaurant’s cloth napkins. She turned the woman around and zipped up her jumpsuit.

  “You make a fool of yourself, time and time again, Poppy. And why do you insist on working alone? You haven’t the chops to take me down by yourself. Not on one-to-one, you don’t.”

  “I could’ve told her that,” Mikey said aloud.

  Poppy hung her head.

  After government officials arrive

  “Do you think this time, you can hang on to her?” Gramma asked of the office making the arrest. “I know she’s a slippery one, but holy cow, she’s escaped several times now. It’s becoming tiresome.”

  At home

  “I got you scheduled for sailing lessons Gramma,” Andy said. “Here’s the information on it. You start tomorrow.”

  “What?” Gramma said. “Me? Sailing?”

  “You said you wanted to learn to pilot a plane and sail a boat. The sailing starts tomorrow.” Andy smiled broadly. “Some of the Kennedys wanted to have you visit them and teach you, but you’re so booked up we needed to get you some lessons closer to home.”

  “How sweet of the Kennedys to offer,” Gramma said. “I’ll call tonight and thank them. They keep inviting me to come to their homes, but I’ve just been too busy. Pencil me in on my schedule for a visit with them, Andy.”

  “Will do. Oh, by the way, piloting lessons will start in a few months and Jamie’s coming to visit next weekend.”

  “Pilot lessons. Wonderful. Clever how you slipped the Jamie thing in right behind it there.”

  “I learned that from you.”

  “I’m glad she’s coming here. I’m looking forward to seeing her again,” Gramma said. “Jamie’s such a lovely girl. So kind of her to visit me.”

  “She’s visiting me, too,” Andy said.