Bard to the Bone

by Cid Banks

  “So it’s hard.” I shrugged. “What’s life without a challenge?”

  If it didn’t work out, I could always change classes.

  “Hear, hear!” An ascending tune played from the harp. “But I should make myself quite clear, just in case. This is not recommended for beginners. Are you sure you would like to become a bard?”

  “Yes.”

  The bard grinned. “Very good!”

  A snug-fitting vest suddenly wrapped around my chest, mirroring the bard’s outfit.

  Choose Your Starting Instrument

  Three instruments floated in the UI prompt. The first was a pan flute, which held seven bamboo reeds in descending lengths. The second was a tar, which looked like a tambourine. The lute was my last choice. It resembled a ukulele, but its neck was bent backward.

  Out of them, the lute was the most familiar. I grabbed it. A pair of UI prompts emerged as I touched the strings.

  Simple Lute - Level 1 Instrument

  A string instrument with a hollow, rounded body used by Bards. Instruments are required to activate Song abilities.

  I turned my attention to the second prompt imploring me to pick a song and settled on the Song of Mocking. I’d never heard of a magical spell that mocked an enemy to death.

  It would be difficult, but when had I ever quit a game for being too hard? The challenge was exactly what I needed after being let go from my soul-sucking position. After a few hours with my buddies and a good night’s sleep, I’d be ready to tackle job hunting in the morning.

  The other instruments vanished as I slung the lute over my shoulder.

  A swell of orchestral music erupted as I entered the portal. Trumpets blared as I stepped through. Pulsating, white light enveloped me. The island faded.

  Two

  My fate was sealed. I was a bard.

  And I was ready to wreck shit with the power of music.

  The portal behind me disappeared with a pop. I found myself steeped in thick mud. A bog of grays and purples filled the landscape.

  I stood on a muddy pathway that twisted through the violet swamp. A grove of mossy trees grew over the trail. Their gnarled branches were sickly and desaturated, as though sunlight had stolen their color. Pulsating blue mushrooms flourished between roots. Puddles of slime and putrid, black water were interspersed with clumps of grass. Mist clung to the forest as the sun rose like a lavender lantern against a plum sky.

  Creepy, but strangely beautiful. It was spooky in a Tim Burton way. Where the hell was I?

  “Hello? Anyone here?”

  The only response was crickets singing from the dense vegetation. A small, red 16/16 HP floated near the edge of my vision. It hadn’t been there in the tutorial zone, but it must be my health. I focused my attention on the glowing number, and a moment later a larger UI menu appeared.

  James

  Level 1 Bard

  HP: 16/16

  Experience: 10 Level Goal: 60

  Strength: 2 Reflex: 4 Willpower: 4 Charisma: 6

  Traits: none

  Abilities: Song of Mocking

  Spells: none

  Gold: 10

  It looked like charisma was my main attribute. More tabs led to the Inventory, Map, Account, Settings, and Gamepedia. With a flutter of my hand, I flicked to Map. It zoomed in on my location.

  The Dreadmarsh.

  Well, that’s comforting.

  The rest of the sketch contained vague outlines of continents and islands. Another site was labeled: The Ancient Isle. I’d only been to one other place, so that must be the tutorial.

  I closed the UI, deciding it could wait. It was time for adventuring, not digging through menus.

  Lavender trees and neon moss stretched into the vapor. A snake as thick as my arm dangled from a sapling, its beady eyes and darting tongue turning to watch as I passed. Nothing around me hinted that people lingered nearby. No farms, signs, or structures of any type. But I wasn’t worried. The marketing for Cascadia Quest stressed that this world was chock full of things to discover. All I had to do was pick a direction and walk. Eventually I’d find something.

  I wiped sweat from my forehead as I strolled the muddy road. Even the air was humid. Every inch of this was manufactured, yet somehow it felt so alive.

  I crossed a bridge half-submerged in sludge. The wooden planks wobbled, breaking away and sinking into the muck. I hopped over the gap, the mud sucking at the soles of my boots.

  I listened hard for anything except the cawing of crows and chirping of bugs.

  Nothing.

  I explored deeper into the swamp and stopped at a gigantic weeping willow. Dangling among its branches was a crude, humanoid figure made from hay and sticks. It swayed in the breeze.

  Tiny, clawed footprints covered the ground.

  Discomfort filled my gut. I followed the prints to a path carved from reeds. The way through the grass was marked with primitive totems, and I passed more swaying figurines and rows of bewitched torches. Maybe it led to a village. I craned my neck and searched for any sign of habitation.

  A woman’s scream pierced the silence, sending a thrill through me.

  I drew the dagger from my belt and crept toward the sound. Her yells grew more desperate as I approached, weaving between the tribal emblems.

  What were these?

  Small bowls sat beneath each totem, each overflowing with colorful flowers, a handful of grain, or a suspicious dark-red substance.

  Offerings.

  A high-pitched shriek stabbed the air. The woman’s terror electrified me, set my heart racing. Another sound added to the ominous yell—drums. Other voices were chanting with the slow, steady beat.

  I shook my head. “Nothing good ever came from drum music.”

  And I was right. The trail brought me to a clearing decorated with flayed skins of animals, ornamental skulls, and bones laid out in intricate patterns.

  A blonde woman was bound to a post next to a murky pond. Her torn dress was more like a rag. Streaks of blue paint covered her pale cheeks, and leaves weaved through her hair. She squirmed against the ropes binding her as a troupe of knee-high creatures danced at her feet.

  Large wooden masks smeared with blue hid their faces. Unblinking, yellow eyes glowed from narrow slits. Their clothing looked handmade, as though they had foraged for the materials. They wore dried reeds like suits of armor. Tufts of navy fur peeked from behind their skirts and vests.

  They waltzed around the girl in a tight circle, like beach balls with spindly little arms and legs, waving stone-tipped spears as they chanted.

  The creatures sang in garbled tones. “Rahee, rahrah! Rahee, rahrah!”

  A UI window popped up in my vision.

  Quest Available: Save Krile

  Rescue the innocent peasant girl from becoming the boglin tribe’s next sacrifice.

  Reward: 45 experience

  Hot girl in need of rescue? Check.

  Easy first quest? Check.

  I twirled the dagger in my hand, thinking. Strength wasn’t my best skill. I sheathed the dagger. Despite those blades, the boglins were kind of cute. Perhaps I could solve this nonviolently.

  I stepped into the clearing and waved. “Hello!”

  The boglins halted their dance, and the drumbeats stopped. Cat-like ears perked from those without hats. They muttered to one another in fast, high-pitched voices. Concern resonated through the group. Were they sizing me up?

  It was adorable, in a Return of the Jedi sort of way. Maybe we could be friends.

  “Hey, guys.” I grinned. “Love what you’ve done with the place. Am I interrupting a ritual sacrifice?”

  “Yes.” Krile lunged against her binds. “Save me!”

  “How about we free her and find someone else to kill?”

  A crystal-amulet-wearing boglin pointed his claw at me.

  “No, not me.” I looked for an alternative. “I was thinking a nice, juicy lamb.”

  He screeched at his neighbor.

  “Are you
in charge?” I should’ve asked nicely. “Please release her.”

  “You’re wasting your freaking time!” Krile moaned. “These savages can’t be negotiated with!”

  She might’ve been right. The bastards hadn’t budged. Amulet Boglin gestured in the direction I’d come from with a three-fingered paw.

  “Go back?” I shook my head. “I can’t let you murder an innocent girl.”

  The closest boglin aimed his weapon at me.

  Damn it. The bard in the tutorial had made it look easy. “Don’t do that.” I smacked the spear away, and he chittered angrily. The spear stabbed the air as he—I thought it was a he—moved forward aggressively.

  “Stand down, asshole.”

  Persuasion attempt failed

  “Reeee!” The boglin attacked.

  So much for diplomacy.

  “You little shit.” I jumped. The weapon narrowly missed my shins, opening a gash in the fabric. I equipped my dagger. They didn’t want to settle this peacefully? Fine. I’d make mincemeat out of their dumb faces.

  A second creature lunged at me with a shrill warrior cry. Cheered by their dancing cohorts, the critters charged me en masse. I grabbed a spear that hovered too close, dragging the boglin who refused to let go and hurled it. The bastard wailed as it launched through the air. Unfazed, the others jabbed as I sliced.

  The creatures were too quick. And too short for me to reach. They were like murderous toddlers. Slashing with the blade wasn’t working out as I’d hoped, so I turned to the combat skill I actually had experience with.

  I kicked hard, stomping one into the mud. A little number 4 appeared next to the critter as he fell. A weapon slashed my thigh. A vicious sting and red 2 accompanied the attack.

  “Fucking ow!” It wasn’t as painful as getting stabbed in the real world would be, but it hurt like hell.

  My boot connected with the boglin’s round body. He flew into the water. His friend shrieked, using my clothes as a scaffold. He climbed faster than I could blink. Sharp claws reached for my eyes.

  “Hell no.”

  I punched his mask. 6 BLEED darted over the boglin’s head. The boglin screamed, rolling across the ground.

  “Had enough?” I yelled.

  “Ree krakla!” His yellow gaze narrowed as blood oozed from the gash. Small 1s poured from his wound. He let out a threatening hiss.

  Now what?

  I had to think. They were tiny, but they outnumbered me. Stabbing them willy-nilly wasn’t working. I’d failed to persuade them, but there was one last power I could try.

  Opening my menu, I fended the boglins while rereading the song’s description.

  Song of Mocking – Basic Song

  This clever, satirical tune cuts deep, profoundly insulting the listener.

  Reduces Willpower defense and Charisma defense of listening targets.

  Reduces relationship with listening targets.

  Willpower? So reducing their will to fight?

  That sounded more interesting than fighting the Ewoks from hell.

  “Let’s see what this does.” I unslung my instrument, balancing it awkwardly with the dagger. I plucked strings at random. Astonished, I listened to a soft ditty emanate from my lute.

  I needed to sing insults. A haiku, maybe.

  “Some find haikus hard…but they are really easy. Just like…your mother.”

  Yo mamma jokes are always a good choice.

  As the music echoed, exclamation points popped over everyone’s heads, including the peasant girl.

  Her fierce eyes rose to meet mine.

  “Excuse me?” Krile barked. “How dare you!”

  “Oh shit.” I hadn’t meant to offend her, too. “I’m sorry!”

  “Bastard!” Her ear-piercing outrage joined the tiny voices screaming for my blood. Krile fought her binds, red-faced and livid. “My mother wasn’t a whore, you spoony bard!”

  “I wasn’t singing to you!”

  My voice was drowned out by boglin screams. A wave of fury consumed them, and they charged. Spears and claws slashed my legs as I staggered backward. I tried to block their attacks.

  Pain stung my shoulder as a blade soared through the air, and a 3 popped in my vision.

  “Yeah!” Krile roared, egging them on. “Kick his ass!”

  “I’m trying to save you!”

  A half dozen boglins remained. I flattened one who aimed for my groin. I bashed an overeager boglin with my lute for 4, the strings snapping with a twang.

  A mask-wearing boglin stumbled away in a concussed daze. Another stabbed near my crotch. I punched him. A raving-mad boglin raised his spear. I lunged, driving my dagger into eyehole. He flailed on the ground.

  For a moment the path to the girl was clear. I dropped my broken lute and ran to Krile.

  An exclamation point glowed over her head. “Get away from me!”

  “I’m saving you. Hold still.” I untied her as she threw punches. “Jesus.”

  My wrist strayed too close to her mouth. Her jaw snapped as I cut the ropes.

  “Stop it, you crazy bitch!” I sawed through the last binding. “I need to complete the quest.”

  She tumbled free, brushing dirt off her limbs. Her electric blue gaze smoldered as I kicked the rope.

  “See? I freed you. I can’t be that bad.” A smile hitched on my face. “Want to—”

  She brought her foot up squarely in my balls.

  My health indicator flashed as pain exploded from my crotch. I fell, gasping. My vision blurred as nausea shot through my gut. This was worse than being stabbed. Vomit surged up my throat, but I swallowed it down. Virtual games were supposed to give feedback, but this was blinding agony.

  Screw this game.

  The boglins rallied, forming a circle around me.

  I couldn’t believe how badly this was going. Dave would piss himself laughing when he found out I got killed by a pack of stuffed animals. I struggled to my knees, keeping the boglins at bay with the dagger.

  “Back! Stay back!”

  Krile screamed. She backed away from the pond’s bubbling water. A mass of slime grew from the marsh, pushing aside lily pads.

  “God, what now?”

  Miraculously, the boglins lost all interest in me and rushed toward the water’s edge. They kneeled in front of the boiling mud. Prostrate before the rising swell, they bowed in worship, chanting.

  “Rahee, rahrah! Rahee, rahrah!”

  The hulking form rose higher and higher. Mucus dripped from a face, revealing gigantic mandibles and a row of vast, bladed teeth. Its mouth yawned as four mismatched eyes blinked. Branchlike antlers sprouted from its head. Dripping limbs unfurled as it surveyed the scene.

  Its cry shook the clearing, spraying me with muck.

  “RAHEE, RAHRAH!” The swamp folk squealed in ecstasy.

  Clay slopped from the monster, squashing a boglin like a pancake, but they didn’t seem to mind. The beast turned its freakish gaze toward me. It raised a tree-like limb, which crashed down. Krile was knocked aside as it lunged. I dove away from its massive claws as they tore the ground.

  Easy first quest, my ass. Snotzilla was bigger than my apartment. My dagger wouldn’t do shit in this fight.

  Snotzilla shrieked at the boglins, who scattered from it to crowd my legs. Obeying their lord, they attacked anew.

  I grabbed a boglin by the hair, waited for the behemoth to roar, and hurled the shrieking boglin into its gaping maw. Its jaws clamped shut with a devastating 58 damage, crushing the boglin. Its razor-like teeth chewed as bits of torn boglin dripped down its belly. Maybe it could be appeased if it was given more boglins. I seized another. The boglins leaped away, screaming. I held my captive upside-down, and the mask dropped from its snarling face.

  “Sorry about this, but you shouldn’t have tried to murder me.” I threw him at Snotzilla, who snapped at the boglin like a dog eating a treat.

  But the boglins were fleeing. They had no intention of being hand-fed to their god. They disappeared
into the viscous pond and scurried up trees as Snotzilla roared.

  Its arm swept across the clearing. I dove as the earth trembled. Its feet swelled into large trunks that slammed into the ground. There was nowhere to hide. Eventually, a blow would catch me or Snotzilla would stomp me to death.

  I couldn’t win this. I had to run.

  Snotzilla’s thunderous growl dragged my attention back. Krile approached the beast and climbed the tower of mud until she slid over the creature’s back. She settled into place, snatched the monster’s antlers, and pointed at me. “Kill him!”

  I gaped at her. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”

  Snotzilla lurched forward. Black water surged as it lashed out. Snotzilla’s claws burst through a nearby tree, tearing it to shreds. Shrapnel raked my abdomen. Blood misted the air. My health flashed at 5HP as deep cuts seared my flesh.

  BLEED

  A river of crimson poured from my wounds with a small 1, and then I was at 4HP.

  The world went silent.

  Fuck. The attack grazed me, but over half my health was gone. The rest would disappear soon enough.

  Lightning forked from the sky. The boom startled me as it struck the monster. A red 41 hung near its head. The explosive flash sent Snotzilla careening. Krile was thrown aside. She slammed into a tree trunk headfirst and fell. Thunder crashed over the landscape.

  I squinted through the blinding flashes, spotting a woman with her hands outstretched. A cobalt cloak billowed around a dark skirt and an intricately laced corset. Its neckline plunged to her navel. The outfit barely contained her breasts. Leather belts cinched her narrow waist. They draped across her hourglass hips and strapped a pack and a small book to her thighs. Sparks danced across her eyes and flowing hair. She was the living embodiment of fury and destruction. Crackling whips of light leaped from her fingertips.

  A bolt hit the ground, and I dove for cover. Flames cascaded across the water and blasted gnarled trees. The heat baked my skin.

  3HP

  Every passing moment cost me another health point. I was an inch from death. Time to throw in the towel. I had made a valiant effort, but this quest was out of my league.