by Beth Rinyu
“Text me when you land.”
I could feel the first round of tears starting to form. I squeezed my eyes tightly while my arms latched onto him. “I’m gonna miss you.”
He let out a deep breath and nodded. “You better go, you don’t wanna miss your flight.”
I bit my bottom lip. That was the best I was gonna get from him? Suddenly, it was hitting me just how much had changed between us. We were now in a gray area and I hated it.
I picked up my bags and looked up at him one last time, hoping he would say something more. “Well, I’ll see ya.”
“See ya, Gia.”
I started to walk away before stopping dead in my tracks and turning around. I didn’t want to leave things in limbo like this. I needed to know that we could go back to where we were before this, even though I wanted more.
“Cam!” I shouted, just as he was beginning to walk away. He turned around and stood still, waiting for me to approach him. “I – I just have a question for you. I umm….I know that things have changed a lot between us in the last two weeks and I need to know where this leaves us. We crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed and I just need to know that everything is gonna be okay between us.” The tears were now falling down my face and I didn’t even care. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing Cam over this even if it was just as a friend, I needed him in my life.
He moved the strand of hair that was sticking to my tearstained face and pushed it behind my ear. “We’re cool, Gia.”
“Are we?” my voice cracked with emotion.
He sighed heavily and looked down at the ground before focusing his eyes on me once again. “Let’s just take this one day at a time. Okay?”
I didn’t like that answer, but I knew I didn’t have any other choice but to accept it. I nodded and blinked back another tear. “No matter what happens, I will never regret these two weeks. You made me happy and I will never forget that,” I whispered.
He rested his lips on my forehead and I was wishing that they could remain that way forever. I wasn’t ready to get on that plane, especially now, leaving things this way between us. The camera snaps of the photographers broke us from our embrace.
“Mr. Hamilton…” they shouted.
“Go. Get through security so they stop following you.” Cam shouted as their flashes started blinding me.
“Miss, can we talk to you?” one of them shouted.
“What’s goin’ on man?” Cam asked, diverting the attention from me, allowing me to slip through security.
After going through the baggage check, I took a seat in the terminal feeling like my heart had been torn in two. I’d told myself going in that I could handle this. I’d known exactly what I was getting into, but deep down inside I was hoping that I was the one who could change Cam, the same way he’d been the one to change me.
***
I was back to the bitter cold of home, the late nights at the bar and the loneliness of my shoebox apartment. I made a point to text Cam every day, just as I’d done in the past and he responded the same way as he’d always done, but I couldn’t help but feel that things were different. I had only talked to him once briefly and even his tone seemed different. He wasn’t the same upbeat Cam that I was used to – he was flat and very matter of fact. I now hated myself for crossing that sacred line with him. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened between the two of us – not even Carrie. I just played along like Cam and I were still best pals when she and my mother had asked about my trip. I was embarrassed to admit to them that I’d screwed up one of the best things in my life by sleeping with him.
“Now tell me all about this ballet again?” Chelsea questioned, once there was a lull in the action at the bar.
“Well, I met with the owner of the dance company and the lead choreographer yesterday and they actually were asking my opinion on things. Can you imagine? Little ole me!”
“So when do you start?”
“I have to read over the contract and once I sign it, I’m in!”
“Wow! What am I gonna do without you?” Chelsea whined.
“I’ll still be around, Chelsea. It’s not like I’m going off to war or anything like that.”
“Yeah, but now who’ll commiserate with me about our lovely boss?”
“You can call me anytime and vent.” We both laughed. I looked down at the time on my phone, trying to calculate the time in L.A. I needed to hear Cam’s voice, even if it did make me miss him even more, it had been far too long. “Hey Chelsea, do you mind if I take five minutes?” I asked.
“Not a problem,” she replied.
I walked outside into the cold and pulled up his name in my contacts, my finger skimmed over the call button before finally working up the nerve to hit it. This was just so silly, I had never been nervous over calling Cam before, but now everything was just so much different than it was before.
The butterflies fluttered harder with each ring of his phone until he finally answered. “Hey Gia, what’s up?” his tone was hurried and I could hear a lot of background noise, sounding almost as if he were at a party of some sort.
“Not much. I was just calling to say hey, but if now isn’t a good time, I can just talk to you later.”
“Umm….yeah, can I give you a call back tomorrow?”
“Yeah, sure,” I replied, trying my hardest to sound upbeat but fighting back the tears with each passing second. When I heard the female voice in the background laughing and then calling his name, those tears began to flow.
“Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night.”
“Yeah, you too.” My voice cracked and I made sure I hung up before the deep sob escaped my throat.
I hated myself for sleeping with him. I hated that I felt like a complete stranger to him now and most of all I hated that what we had shared didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me.
I exhaled deeply, watching my warm breath fill the cold night air. As much as I hated to admit it, I needed to move on and start my future, even if it didn’t include Cam. I thought I’d be fine with things going back to normal, but after what had just happened, I knew that I couldn’t. I couldn’t pretend that I was okay with seeing him with other women because I wasn’t and I never would be. I needed to stop focusing on men and start focusing on me. I had a pretty decent future ahead of me with this upcoming ballet and I didn’t need anyone. I especially didn’t want him paying my rent anymore. I wasn’t sure how I was going to work that out with Mr. Sanchez, but I was putting that on my list of things to do. I wasn’t going to be Cam’s pity case anymore by having him pay my rent because I was a financial mess and sleeping with me because I was emotionally distraught. I didn’t need him or anyone anymore. I just needed me.
I tried to put any further thoughts of Cam from my mind and I probably would have been able to if Chelsea didn’t bring him up the minute I stepped back into the bar.
“So, here I was wishing you were lying to me about not having anything going on with Cam Hamilton, but I guess you were telling the truth.”
“What do you mean?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion as she dug through her oversized tote bag and pulled out a copy of one of the many tabloid magazines that she always had on hand.
“Now where is it? I was just reading it,” she said as my heart pounded in both anticipation and dread. “Oh here it is!”
She handed me the magazine and the headline read as big as day:
Back in the Swing Again
Hollywood's leading lady and baseball's sexiest player are at it again.
When my eyes moved down to the photo below it of Cam and Willow Asher, holding hands and looking as happy as could be. I felt the vomit burning my throat. I flipped the magazine over to look at the cover, hoping it was an old issue only to be slammed in the heart to see that it was dated for this week. My hands were shaking as I handed it back to Chelsea, unable to look at it any longer.
"Gia, are you okay?
"Yeah, I'm fine." I hurried up and w
iped away the tear, before turning around and frantically scouring down the bar to create a diversion.
"Oh my god, Gia. Did something happen between you two when you were out in California?"
I finally turned around to face her, feeling the need to talk to someone about my stupidity. "Yeah, it did, and....I thought I could handle crossing that line with him and being okay with the aftermath. I guess not." I bowed my head in shame.
“Oh Gia, I am so sorry. If I’d known, I would have never shown you that.”
I let out a deep sigh. “It’s okay….I mean, it’s not like I was expecting him to fall madly in love with someone like me when he’s got his pick of beautiful women to choose from.”
“Gia, you are beautiful! Stop putting yourself down!”
“Nah, all I was to him was a pity fuck.” I raked my hand through my hair and stared straight ahead.
“Okay, this is gonna sound like a really stupid question, but did you let him know how you were feeling?” I shook my head. “Oh Gia, why not?” she whined.
“I know Cam only slept with me to help me get over Jasper and the last thing I wanted was to make him feel like he owes me something because of it. I’m a big girl, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I just…..God, I just can’t believe I ruined our friendship over this.”
“Gia, maybe he’s feeling the same way about you too.”
I raised my eyebrow at her. “Hello….did you not just see that picture?”
“Well, yeah, but we both know those magazines don’t always report the truth.”
“No, he was dating her not that long ago….I’m sure they’re back. That’s the kind of girl he should be with, not a complete and utter mess like myself. I just need to move on and focus on my life now, not my little fling that I foolishly wanted to be so much more.”
She placed her hand on my shoulder. “Gia, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s cool. Really, it is. Cam’s a good guy and I know he meant well by what had happened. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so damn bad.”
Twenty-Nine
Cam
I debated on whether to call Gia back when I arrived home, but decided against it when I realized it was after 2 .am. in New York. I felt bad for blowing her off when she’d called earlier, but it was my friend Brendan’s surprise 30th and Gia had called just as he was about to enter and his wife was trying to get everyone in one place to surprise him. I felt like such a dick for not calling her more in the two weeks since she’d left, but I wanted to give her space. I knew she had a lot going on and I knew that hearing her voice would only make me long for her more. I didn’t want her to sense that I was anything but happy for her when I spoke to her, so avoiding her seemed like the best option. I knew we couldn’t go on forever like this, I loved her too much to let things be uncomfortable between us. I’d gone over it a million times in my mind after she’d left, trying to figure out how we could make a relationship between us work out, and that was assuming that she even wanted to, and each time I came up blank. With the schedule I kept for at least seven months out of the year and her traveling all over the place, it would be extremely difficult at best. I decided to put further thoughts of that nature to rest for now. I’d call Gia in the morning and put on my best act, pretending that I was happy, the same way I had when she had been dating that dickhead. I was leaving for Arizona for Spring Training in a week and I knew once that started up, it wouldn’t leave much time for worrying about my current personal situation. I was hoping that by the time the season was over, things would be back to normal with Gia and I would be genuinely happy for her achievement, instead of acting like a prick and wanting her all for myself.
***
“Good Morning, Cam!” Lucy exclaimed, as I returned from my morning run. She handed me a cup of coffee while simultaneously texting on her phone.
“Lucy, since when do you text?” I laughed, knowing that just a month ago she’d barely known how to make a phone call with her cell.
“Oh, Gia taught me while she was here.”
Gia. Just hearing her name made me miss her.
“I’ve actually been texting her all morning. She wanted to see the video of Lenny and I dancing at the reunion the other night and I think we made her proud. I can’t wait for her to come out and visit again. I really love that girl.”
So did I, with all my heart. I pulled my phone from my pocket to see who was calling, deciding to get my weekly phone call to my mother over with now when I saw her name flashing across my caller ID.
“Hey, Mom what’s going on?” I asked as I headed upstairs to shower.
“Not much. Herman and I are planning a trip out to Arizona in a few weeks. You’ll be able to get us into some Spring Training games, right?”
“Yeah, not a problem.” There was a brief moment of silence and I knew exactly what that meant, she was gearing to ask me something that was probably none of her business.
“So, you’re back to dating Willow Asher again?”
“Umm…not that I’m aware of. Why?”
“Oh, because one of the secretaries at work just showed me an article in a magazine that said you were dating her again.”
“Well, if the magazine said it, then it must be true,” I mocked.
“Don’t be such a wise guy! I don’t know how you stand having these magazines print all these false stories about you.”
“After a while, you just don’t even pay attention to them, Mom.”
“Hmm….maybe. Hey, I’m meeting Mel and Gia for dinner tomorrow night. I haven’t talked to her since she got back from visiting you! I can’t wait to hear all about it since you don’t ever bother to tell me anything.”
I wanted to get off the subject of Gia as fast as I could. My mother knew me better than just about anyone and I didn’t want her to pick up on anything if we continued talking about her. “So, how’s the real estate business going?” I asked.
It seemed to work like a charm as she immediately began to tell me about the two houses she’d closed on this morning. I listened and responded when appropriate, but my mind was still fully focused on the one person she’d mentioned earlier in the conversation. I patiently waited for a break in the conversation so I could make my exit and call the person that I most wanted to talk to.
Thirty
Gia
Hell would be the most accurate word to describe my day and after meeting my dance partner, dickhead would be the most accurate word to describe him. Anton Ivanov may have been a great dancer but his personality sucked. I knew right away that he and I were not going to mix well together with his domineering, know-it-all-attitude and his thick Russian accent which caused me to have him repeat himself on numerous occasions, in turn annoying him. But I wouldn’t let him intimidate me, I was going to suck it up and put him in his place. He may have been a dick, but I was a bitch, and if he pushed me far enough, she would be coming out in full force. Anton Ivanov was not going to scare me away from my dream.
After my hour of torture with Mr. Attitude, I stopped off for a few drinks and a bite to eat with Chelsea, her boyfriend, and his friend, Josh, who “just happened” to show up. I appreciated what Chelsea was trying do, but I was so not ready to even begin to have anything to do with another man. I was going to stay true to my plan and just focus on myself and my future. Still, I remained cordial all throughout dinner, laughing at his jokes and engaging in conversation, but the entire time I couldn’t help but think of the missed call from Cam earlier and wondering if I should call him back.
“Well, I’m pretty beat. I’m gonna head out,” I said, as I got up from my chair.
“Oh, Gia I’ll walk you out,” Josh said, immediately standing up.
Shit. Now I was going to have to do the whole: You’re a really nice guy…..but speech.
“Oh no, that’s fine, you don’t have to,” I quickly responded, saving him from the rejection. I ignored Chelsea’s raised eyebrow and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. “See you guys.
It was really nice meeting you, Josh.”
I let out a relieved breath as I walked out the door and into the taxi. I pulled out my phone and stared at my call log: Missed Call Cam 10:24 a.m. Here it was almost nine hours later and I still wasn’t ready to call him back. What was there to say? I’m in love with you and I wish you loved me back? Even though that’s what I wanted to do, I would never put that on Cam. I knew he loved me but he certainly wasn’t in love with me and I would never guilt him into feeling like he needed to say it back in that context.
I arrived home, changed into my pajamas and sat in front of the television curled up under a blanket. Finally working up the courage to make that call, I swallowed hard as I waited for him to respond.
“Hey Gia, what’s going on?” he answered.
“Not much.” There was that damn silence that I hated so much between the two of us. “Just been really busy with the ballet.” I continued.
“Oh, so you’re liking it?”
“Yeah, it’s really great. Everyone that I’m going to be working with is really nice.” I lied, playing it up big time.
“That’s cool.”
“So, when do you leave for Spring Training?” I hated that we’d now been reduced to small talk just to have something to say, but at the moment I couldn’t think of anything else. It wasn’t like I was going to ask him about his love life or when things started back up with one of the most beautiful actresses around. Nope. Small talk was the safest bet if I didn’t want to get my heart shattered.
“Next week,” he replied.
But….there actually was something other than small talk that needed to be discussed. “Umm…Cam. Now that I’ll be making halfway decent money, I want to start paying for my own rent.”
Step one of claiming my independence…..done.
“Gia, just stop.”