by Beth Rinyu
“Stop what? I don’t want to be dependent on anyone anymore. I want to support myself.”
“Gia, it’s not a big deal for me and maybe I want to do this for you because I care about you.”
“Well don’t. Okay?” I blurted out.
“Don’t what? Care about you?”
The emotion that had been building up inside me for the past few weeks was finally coming to surface as the tears surged to my eyes, thinking about what we had shared and thinking about him now sharing that with someone else. “Yes. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I’m tired of people feeling sorry for me because I’m a train wreck. I don’t need your pity, Cam. I don’t need anyone.”
“Gia, where is all this coming from?” his voice was a blend of confusion, anger and hurt.
“I’m not a charity case, Cam. So stop feeling sorry for me. I want you to break whatever deal you have going on with my landlord so I can start paying my own rent. I’m tired of always being the damsel in distress that’s gotta be rescued by her knight in shining armor. I need to start rescuing myself because the truth of the matter is, those knights in shining armor only exist in fairy tales, and my life is far from a fairy tale.”
“I never saw you as a charity case and you know it. I can’t even believe that you would say something like that. Everything I’ve done for you, I’ve done because I care about you, a lot. What the fuck is your problem?”
“I don’t know, Cam. Maybe it’s because I make poor decisions that have permanent consequences or maybe I’m just tired of being such a loser. Well, now’s my chance to prove to myself that I’m not. I want to do this on my own. I don’t need anybody. So please just let me prove this to myself.”
“So you don’t need me?”
“I don’t need anybody….so if you fall into that category then no, I don’t.” I couldn’t believe my own ears. I was feeling like a puppet with a ventriloquist controlling my every word. I didn’t want to be so harsh, but it was the only way to get him to see that he couldn’t go on supporting me for the rest of my life. He had his own life to live and as much as I wanted to be part of that life, I knew I didn’t fill that bill.
“So – what are you saying? You don’t need me as a friend anymore, either.”
“I don’t know. Maybe we should just take it one day at a time and see what happens.” I spewed his own words back to him.
He let out an annoyed breath. “Whatever you want, Gia. I don’t fuckin’ have time for this…..so you do whatever you fuckin’ want. If you decide you want to talk …I’m here. If not, then I’ll respect your wishes. I don’t play games like this with anyone, not even you, so if you think that’s what I was doing all along then maybe we weren’t as close as I thought to begin with. Good luck with the ballet.”
My heart sank to the ground when I heard dead air. What had I just done? I had just banished one of my best friends from my life without even blinking an eye, but I couldn’t continue being friends with him and pretending I was okay with him dating other women. The thought of that tore me apart more than what had just happened. This was for the best for now. I needed to distance myself from him for a while and concentrate fully on the ballet.
It was going to be a big adjustment to know that I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call him whenever I was having a crisis, which happened more often than not. But I could no longer do that without longing for his touch each time I heard his voice. So it had to be done. As hard as it was going to be, I needed to quit Cam cold-turkey.
***
My mind was still in a whirlwind over what had happened between Cam and I last night. After crying myself to sleep and waking up in tears, I still managed to put on my best act during dinner with my mom and Aunt Jodi. My heart would rip at each mention of Cam’s name and every question that Aunt Jodi would throw at me about my trip. I fielded them as best as I could. By the time we finished up with dinner, we had finalized the plans for Carrie’s baby shower and I’d managed to not give any indication as to my current situation with Cam – at least I had hoped I hadn’t.
I was spending the night at my mom’s and Ben’s and was just about to go to bed when I heard a light knock on my door. “Come in,” I said, not surprised to see my mother walking in.
“Hey, I feel like I didn’t even get to talk to you much with all of the baby shower planning,” she said, propping a pillow up against the headboard and taking a seat next to me on the bed.
“It’s fine.”
“Well, how’s everything going with the ballet? Did you have dad’s lawyer look over the contract?”
“Yeah, he said it looks all legit.”
“I’m so happy for you, Gia. I knew all of that hard work would pay off.” She took my hand and squeezed it tightly.
“Yeah….I guess it did.”
She picked up on my listless tone right away. “Gia, is everything okay?” I quickly nodded. “All of this baby shower stuff….you’re okay with it, aren’t you?”
The painful lump in my throat began to take shape just knowing where she was headed with this. “Yeah I’m fine. It wasn’t meant to be for me. Carrie and Jason, they deserve this. They’re going to make excellent parents. I just feel like maybe that all happened for a reason, maybe because I was going to be a horrible mom.”
“Gia, don’t say that. You are going to make a wonderful mother someday.”
I sighed deeply. “I don’t want to talk about that anymore, Mom. I’m just trying to focus on this ballet and getting my life on track.” My voice cracked with emotion.
“Oh, Gia I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” She pulled me closer as the first tears began to stream down my face. “Don’t cry, honey,” she placed her lips on the top of my head.
“It’s okay. It’s just that these past few months….I don’t even know.” I shook my head.
“Gia, is something else bothering you?”
I didn’t want to say anything to her, but I felt the need to unload on someone. “Mom, I slept with Cam when I was in L.A. visiting him.” She let out a loud gasp and looked as if she was trying to come up with the right words. “I know – stupid…right?”
“Well, what’s going on between the two of you, now?”
I sucked in my bottom lip, fighting back another round of tears. “Nothing. I basically told him I don’t need him in my life….not even as a friend.” I choked on my sob over those last words.
“Oh no, Gia – why? What happened?”
I wiped my tearstained face with the back of my hand. “I love Cam and I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t fallen in love with him after what we shared.”
“Well, did you tell him that?”
I feverishly shook my head. “I don’t want him to feel like he has to love me back the same way.”
“Well, Gia, how do you know that he doesn’t?”
I went on to explain to her how Cam had been paying my rent, and how he had been there for me for everything to help me get over Jasper.
“Gia, I still don’t get it. Why would you think he feels any differently about you than you do towards him?”
“Because Mom, Cam does all these things because he feels sorry for me, because I’m a total loser who can’t get her life together. The same way he slept with me, just to help me get over Jasper. We both know his track record with women, Mom.”
“Well yeah, but –”
“When I asked him at the airport if we were going to be okay, his answer was to just take it one day at a time and then I see him in one of those rag mags the other day with his beautiful actress ex-girlfriend and an article saying they’re back together.”
“Oh, Gia….you know you can’t believe half the stuff in those magazines.”
“I know, but when I saw that picture, it finally dawned on me. Cam and I are from two different worlds now.”
“That’s not true. The two of you have been close since the day you were born and no amount of money or fame can ever take that away.”
I let out
a deep sigh. “Maybe. I don’t know. I just need to be on my own right now. I want to make it all by myself and know that I can. I don’t want any distractions. I just want to focus on me and dancing, and maybe once I’ve achieved that, then I’ll be able to deal with this whole mess I’ve created between me and Cam.”
She nodded. “That sounds like a good plan. You know I’ll support you with whatever you choose to do.”
“Thanks, Mom. That really means a lot.” And it really did. I felt so much better after talking to her about it. “Please don’t say anything to Aunt Jodi or even Carrie about this.”
“You have my word. My lips are sealed.”
These next few months were going to be hard with the endless rehearsals, dealing with my dance partner and distancing myself from Cam, but I was going to do it. I was going to prove to myself that I really didn’t need anyone and that I could actually take care of myself.
Thirty-One
Gia
Two months later….
I was well on my way to being that girl. The one that I always strived to be. I survived Carrie’s baby shower without shedding a tear, I was back to making my own rent payments, I was killing it in the ballet with sold out performances, and was even getting along much better with Anton…well, as good as it was gonna get for the two of us anyway. We had channeled all the animosity we had for each other into energy, applying it to our performances and the characters we were portraying. Surprisingly for both of us, we had amazing chemistry on the dance floor, but once the music ended and the lights went down, that chemistry ended.
I was exhausted both physically and mentally, but it was a good kind of exhaustion. One that kept my mind from wandering and thinking about things that I wanted to forget. True to Cam form, he obeyed my wishes and didn’t try and get in touch with me. It hurt so badly, but I needed to feel this hurt. It was only making me stronger.
I was so happy to have a much-needed day off before heading to the West Coast, which included a performance in L.A. that Lucy and Lenny would be attending. Even though I hadn’t been in touch with Cam, I still kept in touch with Lucy and I was happy to hear that my matchmaking skills had paid off and she and Lenny were now a very happy couple.
Carrie had come into the city to visit me for the day and we were just finishing up with lunch. I couldn’t believe how much her belly had popped. She was due in a few weeks and finally looked pregnant. My mother kept her word and Carrie was oblivious as to what had transpired between Cam and I. I felt like I was breaking my sisterly oath by not telling her, but I knew it was for the best.
“Can I just say that I’m so proud of you?” Carrie beamed as she took a sip of water. “When will you be performing in New York again? I really want to go to another showing before the baby gets here.”
“Well, let’s see, there’s Seattle, San Francisco, L.A., and then Europe. All I know is this baby better plan on making an exit when I’m in town, so I can be there when he or she is born.”
“Where will you be in Europe?”
“Paris, London, Dublin, and Germany. Everything should be wrapped up by the end of the summer.”
“That is so awesome, Gia! I’m jealous of you!”
“Good….I want you to be! Be very jealous of me.” we both giggled. “Seriously Carrie, I’m the one that’s jealous of you; in a few more weeks you are going to have this beautiful baby to hold in your arms.”
She sucked in her bottom lip and we both began to tear up. Reaching over the table, she grabbed my hand. “Gia, if you don’t want to, I will completely understand, but if you’re around, I really want you to be in the room with me and Jason when the baby comes.”
I grabbed my napkin from my lap and dabbed at my eyes. “I would love it, Carrie,” I whispered.
The beeping of her cell phone broke up the solemnity of the moment. She took it from her purse and began to type away after reading the text that had just come in. “Sorry. That was Jason. Ben got last minute tickets to a Yankees game tonight and he and Jason are going.” She threw her phone back in her purse and focused her attention back to me. “Hey, speaking of baseball….poor Cam, huh?”
Poor Cam? Shit, maybe my mother really did say something to her. What was I thinking? I knew she was horrible at keeping secrets. Still, I would just play along as if I didn’t know what Carrie was talking about, shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head in confusion. She creased her eyebrows. “Wait… you didn’t hear what happened?”
“No…what?!” I could feel panic beginning to set in, realizing now that we weren’t talking about the same thing.
“He broke his ankle in his opening day game. Jason talked to him the other day and said he’s probably going to be out for a good part of the season. Gia, how do you not know this? I know you’ve been busy with the ballet, but don’t you talk to Cam like every single day?”
“I – I ….” I closed my eyes, feeling lower than low. When I opened them back up, there was no hiding my tears from Carrie.
“Gia, what’s going on?”
I let out a deep breath before deciding to come clean. “Carrie, I slept with Cam when I was in L.A.”
Her eyes widened and it took her a moment to compose her words. “And why am I just hearing this now?” she scolded.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, was it a one night thing?”
“No. It was more like an every night thing.”
“Oh my god….I cannot believe you held out on me!”
“I know. I’m sorry. It was just so different for me.”
“In a good way or in a bad way?”
“In the best way possible. I love him, Carrie. I mean, I knew I always loved him, but I am totally in love with him. I never in my life attached feelings to sex. I thought I was in love with Jasper, but after being with Cam, I know that what I felt for Jasper doesn’t even come close to my feelings for Cam. Is that how you felt with Jason?”
“What do you mean?”
“After years of friendship and then finally sleeping with him…..was it the most emotional feeling in the world to you?”
She smiled and I already knew the answer. “Yeah, it was.”
“He’s just….God, Carrie I can’t even begin to explain. You would think that he’d have this huge ego, being who he is, but he is the most caring and giving person that I know.”
“I know he is, Gia.” She smiled and nodded. “And I could not be happier for the two of you.”
“Yeah, well…”
“Well, what?” her voice rose in panic.
“I never let him know how I was feeling and I basically told him I didn’t need him in my life anymore. I haven’t talked to him in two months.”
Her jaw dropped. “Gia why?”
“I was just becoming too dependent on him. It was just a fling to him and I didn’t want to guilt him into feeling like it needed to be more just because I did.”
“Gia….but why?” she pleaded once again.
“I just told you why, Carrie!”
“But that’s not a good enough reason.”
“When I told him about this ballet, I was so excited, but a small part of me hoped that he’d ask, no beg, me to stay there with him instead…actually a big part of me did. Instead, he let me leave with so much left unsaid between us.”
“Well, Gia, did you ever think that maybe he didn’t want to stop you from going after your dream?”
“What do you mean?”
“Look Gia, we both know that Cam’s a pretty noble guy.”
“Yeah, okay…and?”
“Well, maybe he saw how excited you were over this ballet and didn’t want you to have to feel like you had to choose between it or him.”
Why did her logic always make so much sense? “I don’t know Carrie…..I just –”
She put her hand up to stop me from talking. “You’re going to be in L.A. for a performance, right?”
“Well yeah, but –”
“Then you need to go see him and tel
l him exactly how you feel.”
“Carrie, I can’t do that…..what if –… I mean the gossip magazines are saying that he’s back with Willow Asher.”
“Umm…Gia, we both know what b.s. those magazines print and even if it were true…..which it isn’t, you owe it to yourself and him to let him know how you feel. I know right now this ballet is taking priority in your life and it should. This is something you worked for your entire life, but eventually all good things come to an end, and I just don’t want you to regret what could’ve been with Cam. There will always be another ballet once this one ends. Cam, on the other hand, he’s a once in a lifetime and I just don’t want to see you lose him if that’s what you really want.”
I knew she was right, but I was scared to take a chance in telling him how I felt if he didn’t feel the same. Not to mention, uprooting my whole life for a guy, something I told myself I would never do after losing too much of myself to Jasper. “I guess I’m just scared. I changed my life around for Jasper and look where that got me.”
“Gia, how could you even compare the two? Cam loves you and would never do anything to hurt you.” She was right, there was no comparison between the two of them. “I know that your dream was to dance and make it big, but it’s okay to have a shift in our aspirations and want something else even more.”
I bit my lip, feeling like Carrie was my therapist instead of my sister. “I don’t know Carrie….what if he -?”
“Gia! What are you teaching your unborn niece? We have to show her, even in the womb, that women are strong and should go after what they want!”
“My niece?! Oh my god, it’s a girl?” I shrieked. She nodded and grinned from ear to ear. “I knew it! I knew it!” I beamed.
“So are you going to set an example for her by showing her not to be afraid of her dreams?”
“Yeah, I am.” I nodded, feeling one hundred percent positive with my choice.
I grabbed the check from her hand just as she was reaching into her purse for her wallet. “Consider this payment for your counseling services.”
“Crazy girl! I’ve gotta hit the ladies room before we go.” She got up from the table while I mentally calculated the tip in my head. I was so deep in thought with my mental calculations and didn’t even realize anything going on around me, until…..