The First One

by Tawdra Kandle

  Flynn groaned, and his hands groped for my head. “Ali?” His voice was groggy with sleep.

  “I should hope so.” I licked around the head, holding him in one hand. “If you’re going to wake up with your dick in someone’s mouth, it better be mine.”

  “My sentiments exactly. Fuck, Ali. Aw, fuck. You’re killing me.”

  “Not yet.” I bobbed my head up and down, sucking lightly. When his breath had turned to strangled gasps, I sat up, positioned myself over him and sank down, taking him completely inside me.

  “Oh, my God, Ali. Yeah. Ride me. Ride me hard.”

  I lifted up until he was nearly out of me, and then plunged down again. He was close, and so was I. I undulated my hips, taking him as deep as I could.

  “Ali—babe—touch yourself. Let me see you make yourself come.”

  “Like this?” I brought my fingers to my boobs, pinching my nipples. The sensation shot straight to my center.

  “Yeah. Like that. Now your pussy. Touch your pussy.”

  I kept my eyes on Flynn’s as I slid my fingers between my legs. I was already so close, and feeling my own wetness at the spot where our bodies joined pushed me over the edge.

  I gasped out his name as I came. Flynn grasped my hips and arched into me, his body tensing as he found his own release. I collapsed onto his chest, still panting.

  “That’s about the nicest way to wake up ever.” Flynn’s breath caressed my ear. “Can I sign up for that every day?”

  I smiled. “It might be a little bit of a hardship for me to get over to your house every morning. And your mom might object, too.”

  He stroked my spine. “What if you didn’t have to go that far? What if . . . we were all in the same house, you and Bridge and me?”

  I stilled. I wanted what he was saying. I wanted it to be reality. At the same time, it still terrified me.

  “Hmmm.” I kissed the edge of the tattoo over his heart. “That’s something to think about.”

  “That doesn’t sound very enthusiastic.” He was teasing, but I was afraid I heard hurt in his voice.

  “I want that, Flynn. But we need to move slowly. We need to ease into this, into the new idea of us.”

  “Because of Bridget?”

  “Partly. And because of me, too. I just need a little time.”

  He studied me, his eyes unreadable. “We’ve been together twelve years, Ali.”

  “No, we were together four years, nine years ago. The past is our foundation, but we need to build something on it.”

  He sighed. “You’re probably right. I just—I’m ready for us to be a family. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want Bridget to come jump in bed with us. I want to snuggle with you on the sofa after she goes to bed at night.” He skimmed his lips up my neck. “I want to make love to you every night. And I want to make more babies with you. I want to see you pregnant, and be there for all the morning sickness and late-night cravings. I want to be in the room when you give birth.”

  I was crying again. What the hell was the matter with me? Flynn was offering me everything I’d ever wanted. All I had to do was reach out and grab it. Why was I dragging my feet?

  “I want all that, too.” I sniffled against his chest. “Just give me a little bit of time to catch up with you, okay?”

  “As long as you need, babe.” He wiped the tears from my face. “Now let me get some clothes on. I’m going to make you breakfast.”

  “Speaking of babies.” Flynn set down his fork and took a sip of coffee.

  “Were we? Speaking of babies?” I nibbled on a strip of bacon. “I don’t remember.”

  “Yes, we were talking about the six babies we’re going to have, bringing our grand total to seven kids.”

  “Holy shit. Just who do you think is going to pop all these kids out?”

  “You’re the only person who’s ever going to have my babies, sweetheart. I’m willing to negotiate on the number, by the way. But I’d like to have one son, if we can. I want to name him after my dad.”

  “Oh, Flynn.” I reached across the table to squeeze his hand. “Of course. I mean, I can’t promise the son part. That’s your job. But I’d love to name our hypothetical potential son after your father. I loved him. I wish he’d known Bridget.”

  “Me, too.” He studied our joined hands for a minute. “That’s not really what I was going to say, though, when I brought up babies. I keep meaning to ask you why you named our daughter Bridget.”

  I leaned back and sighed. “I didn’t plan to do it. I was going to name her Elizabeth, after my mom. And then the day she was born . . .” I swallowed hard. “It was an awful day. My labor wasn’t that bad, but it was all just so wrong. Craig was there with me, but I only wanted you.” I looked up at him. “After she was born, I just cried. I couldn’t stop. They laid this perfect little angel in my arms, and I could only think how terrible it was that you weren’t with us. So when they asked what we were naming her, I remembered you talking once about wanting to name your daughter after your grandmother. The next thing I knew, I had a baby named Bridget Elizabeth, and Craig was so mad. He stormed out of the hospital and went out drinking. If Alex hadn’t been there with me, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

  “I’m sorry, babe.” He rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. “I promise, the next time you have a baby, I’ll be right by your side. We’ll get through it together.” He smiled. “But thank you for naming her after my grandmother. I hate that I missed so much with Bridget. At least I feel like I was part of her naming.”

  “There was never a time I didn’t think about you and wish you were there. You know what you said about me being around the world with you? I guess in a way I kept you here with me. I could never quite convince my heart to give you up.”

  “I hope you never do.” He kissed my fingers. “Now, tell me something. How do you feel about shower sex?”

  For the next few weeks, I was happier than I’d ever been in my life.

  Flynn and I fell into a routine of sorts. On Saturdays, he and Bridget picked me up at the stand after closing, and the three of us went out on a family date. We went bowling or to the diner for ice cream. I loved those evenings when it was just the three of us, learning to be a family.

  The only bad part of the evening was when Flynn dropped me at the farm and took Bridget back into town to spend the night at his mom’s. He’d suggested that I come for a sleepover, too, but I wasn’t quite comfortable enough to sleep with him at his mother’s house. So I had to kiss them both good night and go inside to my own lonely bed.

  I drove in for Sunday dinners at the Evans’ house each Sunday afternoon, after which Bridget came home with me. She still spent Tuesday nights with Flynn, too; he picked her up after school and dropped her off in the morning.

  “Ali, this is crazy.” Flynn was exasperated. “We’re adults who have a child. We’re in love. And we never see each other.”

  “That’s not exactly true,” I countered. “I saw a lot of you on Thursday.” Flynn had come over to the house while Sam was out in the field, and I’d done the unthinkable by closing the stand for two hours in the middle of the day. Two hours in bed with Flynn was worth the risk of Sam finding out and yelling at me for potential lost business.

  “I want to see you first thing in the morning and last thing at night, Ali. Not just for stolen sex hours.”

  “Okay, Flynn. I get it. Me, too. But there’re a lot of complicated things to work out. I need to figure out how to balance my commitment to the farm and Sam with my commitment to you. And you still need to figure out what you’re going to do with the rest of your life.”

  He sighed. “I know. I’m just . . . ready for the rest of my life to begin.”

  “Still no local shoots coming up?”

  “Nope. I got a call this morning about one in Madagascar.”

  “Madagascar.” I tried to sound enthusiastic. “That’s . . . far.”

  “Yeah, I know.” He was quiet for a minute. “
Ali, stop freaking out. I can feel you doing it all the way from here.”

  “I am not.”

  “Yes, you are. Every time I tell you about a possible shoot, you quietly melt down. Until I tell you I’m not taking it. Don’t you trust me yet?”

  “Of course I do. I’m just still . . . figuring it all out. Now tell me what you and Bridge did today.”

  “What is it exactly that you’re figuring out?” Meghan asked me the question as she and I sat on the porch on Friday night after Bridget had gone to bed. I’d just related to her my latest conversation with Flynn.

  I shrugged. “Life. Life with Flynn. Where we should live, what he should do . . . he loves his job, Meghan. It’s killing him each time he turns down a shoot. He says no, but I see it.”

  “And he can’t get anything that would let him live here?”

  I snorted. “You might have noticed, Burton’s not exactly the cosmopolitan center of the world. He’s talked about trying to find a magazine or paper that would let him shoot just in the south, but even so, he’d be traveling most of the time. I’m selfish, Meghan. I want it all. If I’m going to live with Flynn, I want to be with him, not just be a stop for when he’s between jobs.”

  “Why doesn’t he move in with us at the farm for the time being? Sam wouldn’t care, and then Bridget doesn’t have to adjust to a new place.”

  “Well, it’s a thought. But we’re going to need our own place, and I’d rather start in a place that belongs to us, you know?”

  “Yeah, I get it.” Meghan patted my arm. “Well, hang in there, sweetie. It’ll work out.”

  My phone buzzed with a text, and I smiled when I saw Flynn’s name. Meghan poked my arm. “Is that lover boy now?”

  “It just might be.” I touched the button to read the text as Meghan returned to her book.

  Can I come over?

  I frowned. We hadn’t made any plans for tonight, and Flynn rarely just popped in.

  Sure. Everything okay?

  His reply was swift. Yeah. Be there in 20.

  “Everything all right?” Meghan looked up from her book.

  “I think so. Flynn’s coming over.”

  She wiggled her eyebrows. “Oooh la la!”

  I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think so. I just . . . I hope nothing’s wrong.”

  “What would be wrong?”

  “I don’t know. Just a feeling.”

  For the next twenty minutes, I fidgeted, pushing the swing back and forth with the toe of my shoe until Meghan shot me an exasperated look. When Flynn’s truck finally came bouncing down the driveway, I jumped up and ran to meet him in the back.

  “Hey.” He slammed his truck door and held open his arms. “How’s my best girl?”

  I wrapped my arms around his waist and lifted my face for a kiss. “Happy to see you.” I slid my hand down to take his and tugged him toward the house.

  “I was thinking we could take a walk. Maybe go sit by the lake.”

  I quirked an eyebrow. “Oh, is this that kind of visit? You should’ve given me some warning. I would’ve shaved my legs.”

  He smiled. “Not that unshaved legs would ever slow me down, but no. I just want to talk.”

  “Okay.” We walked around the barn to the path that led into the woods. It was dark, but I knew the way without light. I’d been walking it as long as I could remember. Flynn swung our hands between as we meandered.

  “I got a call today about a job.” He spoke hesitantly, and my heart plunged into my stomach. This was it. This was what I’d been afraid of since Flynn had come back to town. He was leaving me again.

  I tried to quell my fears. Flynn wouldn’t just run off again. This was different. We were different. “Where is it?” Somehow I kept the tremor out of my voice.

  “It’s more than just a shoot. The job’s with World Wide News, a monthly magazine out of New York. They’re looking for someone to take the permanent position of photo editor for the US.”

  I nodded. “What does that mean, exactly?”

  “It’d mean a job, not just free-lancing. Most of it would be assigning shoots to the staff and then working out what we use, what makes it to the magazine’s website and what makes it to the hard copy. That’s all office work, so I’d have pretty regular hours when I was in New York. But I’d have my choice of one assignment of my own a month, which would give us the chance to travel—but just one week every month.” He looked down at me, and for the first time, I saw the excitement in his eyes. “This is a big deal, Ali. I’ve never looked for a job with just one publication, because I liked the variety of taking whatever assignment came up when I wanted it. It fit me. But now I want something steadier.”

  “Uh huh.” I didn’t trust myself to form actual words yet.

  “I was thinking, what if we homeschooled Bridget? We could all travel together to wherever I had to go. Wouldn’t that be amazing?” He stopped walking and pulled me to him. “Think of all those places we could see together. We wouldn’t have to be apart at all.”

  “But what about . . . home? We’d be so far away.”

  Flynn smoothed back my hair. “Yeah, we’d have to be in New York, since I’d be working out of their offices. I know it’s a long way, but there’re flights directly from there to Savannah. We could come back and visit as much as we wanted. And the opportunity . . . Ali. You could do whatever you wanted. You could write, like you talked about when we were in high school. Or you could go to school. You’d have all the museums in the city, and the chance to travel wherever we wanted.”

  My mind was reeling. Everything I’d been afraid of was happening right now, and I was having a horrible feeling of having been in this place before. If I said no, would he leave me again?

  “Flynn, what about the farm? And the stand? I can’t just up and leave Sam without any help, and he can’t afford to hire someone yet.”

  Flynn raked his hand through his hair. “Ali, don’t do this. Don’t start looking for reasons why this won’t work. Give it a chance. Let’s talk about it, like reasonable adults.”

  That stung. “Maybe I am being the reasonable adult in this case, Flynn. I’m the one who has to figure out how all your big ideas would actually work out. Homeschool Bridget? Guess who’d be doing that? And who’d be dealing with her when we pull her away from the grandma she just got, plus the place she’s lived her whole life and the people she loves?”

  “I’m not asking you to leave town tomorrow, Ali. I’m asking you to at least consider the possibility.”

  “I don’t want to consider it. So if this is what you’re planning to do, just do it. Just go and leave us, like I always knew you would.” The inevitable tears were coming.

  “Ali, no.” He grabbed me by the upper arms. “I’m not leaving. Not without you and Bridge. Understand that. I don’t care if my dream job’s dropped in my lap—if you’re not on board, neither am I. You come first. You are my priority. I told you I wouldn’t leave you again, and I won’t. Trust that. Trust me.”

  I buried my face in his chest. “Trust hurts. I can’t do that again, Flynn. I can’t live through losing you again. Please don’t leave me.”

  “Shhh, baby. I’m not. I promise.”

  We stood clinging to each other in the dark of the woods until my sobs subsided. Flynn stroked my back and kissed my temple, but my stomach still clenched. I believed him when he said he wasn’t going to leave me. But knowing I was the reason he was going to lose this opportunity worried me. This was why I hadn’t told him about being pregnant with Bridget. I loved him too much to stand in his way. I wasn’t sure I could be brave enough to do that a second time.

  I walked Flynn to his truck, and he framed my face with his hands. “We’ll talk more tomorrow. But no worries, okay? We’ll figure it out. Sleep well, babe. I love you.”

  I watched his truck until the tail lights disappeared around the bend. I knew I should’ve felt comforted that Flynn had chosen me this time. But instead, I felt as though I’d destroyed his dream.
Again.

  When I went inside, Sam was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug. He looked up and smiled as I came in. “Hey. Didn’t expect you back so soon. I thought you and Flynn were heading down to the river.”

  I sat down across from him and shook my head. “No. He just wanted to talk about something. He just left. What are you doing up?”

  He shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep. Meghan conked out, but my mind wouldn’t shut off.” Sam cocked his head. “Everything okay with you?”

  I folded my arms on the table and laid down my head. “I don’t know. Probably not.” I took a deep breath. “Flynn was offered a job in New York with a news magazine. It would mean some travel, but Bridge and I could go with him. But we’d have to live in New York.”

  “Hmmm.” Sam nodded.

  “What do you mean, hmmm? You know I can’t do that. I can’t move to New York.”

  “Why not?”

  I stared at my brother, my mouth open. “Why not? Well, let’s see. There’s the farm. The stand. You and Meghan. Bridget’s home and stability. I think that’s a good start.”

  “Okay. And if you take all those things and weigh them against being with Flynn and thinking about his happiness, what do you see?”

  “It doesn’t work that way, Sam. I love Flynn. I’m in love with him. I want to marry him and raise kids together. I don’t think I can live without him. But how do I choose that over the people who count on me? On the commitments I’ve made?”

  He took my hand. “Last year, after Meghan left the farm and went back down to Florida and I thought I’d never see her again, I did a lot of heavy thinking. You know this farm is important to me. And you and Bridge—well, you’re my family. I love you. But I had to decide what—or who—I couldn’t live without. And that was Meghan. When I went down to Florida, I told her we could live wherever she wanted, as long we could do it together. I’m so glad she chose the farm, and that she loves it like we do. But if she hadn’t, Ali, I would’ve given it up for her. It doesn’t mean I love you less. But Meghan’s my life.”