Born Blue

by Han Nolan

  I said, "You was worried 'bout me?" And they said they was worried sick.

  It felt good to think that they was worried sick, 'cause I seen how they liked worrying over Harmon and Samson and giving out hugs and sweet words. But seemed more like they was worried mad over me, 'cause I didn't get no hugs and they said I wasn't allowed to go off with Mark and them ever again.

  I said that weren't fair, 'cause I didn't know 'bout the rule to let people know where you at. "And anyway," I said, "I already told you, I told Harmon I gonna go get something to eat."

  Mr. James said, "We won't get into who said what From now on you always let us know where you're going to be. But it won't be with Mark's crowd. We don't want you involved with them."

  I said, "I just want to go to the church and sing. What be wrong with that?" I looked over at Harmon, who were standing with his head bent low so he could look careful at the dirt in his fingernails, even when there weren't no dirt to see. I said to him, "Tell them, Harmon, how I got to sing. Tell them 'bout that."

  Harmon looked up from staring at his nails and shrugged. He looked back down at his nails.

  I pointed at them and shouted, "You all against me! You don't want me to have any kind of dream." I cried real tears and they stood watching me. I said, "I gonna be a real famous singer someday. I gonna sing with Etta James. I got to sing." I got feeling hysterical about it, and I said again, "I got to sing!" I shouted it. "I got to sing! It's all in the world I ever wanted, and you won't let me 'cause you hate me. You can't wait to get rid of me. Well, you rid of me now, so there! I ain't stayin' when you all hate me."

  I tried bustin' outta their circle, but Mr. James and Mrs. James held on to me, and they said I got to calm down and talk things out rationally 'cause that's what a real family does. Well, we went talking for hours into the early morning 'bout if they gonna let me sing in the jazz band or not. They said if I so bad wanted to sing, then I should be happy to sing in the choir, which I woulda been if I didn't hear the jazz band. If I sung in the choir, I'd just be singin', but if I sung in the jazz band, then I be practicing for Etta and for going to that fancy Muscle Shoals town to get famous—but I didn't say none of that. I said, "That music fit my soul. I belong to that music and it belongs to me." And that were true, too.

  Finally, Mrs. James agreed I could go if Harmon be willing to take me and watch over me like I be some baby. So I got to go, and Harmon spent the time he had to wait for me doin' homework and giving me sad feces when he didn't like the saucy way I were acting with the band. I told him how I gotta act that way 'cause that's how the famous singers do it in Muscle Shoals. He said I weren't no famous singer, yet, and I said, "That just shows what you don't know, Mr. Harmon. I'm on my way more 'n' more every day."

  Singin' and hein' in the band was all I could think 'bout. Didn't wanna go to no school or do no homework or clean no bedroom, neither. I just wanted to sing and sing and sing. Sometimes when I were practicing with the band, I sung like some kinda wild woman, and I knew I blew the whole band away. I could see lights dancin' in their eyes soon as I got singin'. I could feel the energy pick up in their playing, and when we finished a real red-hot song like that, we was all sweatin' hard. I loved it! Lord, I loved it like nothin' else. We would sing and play the whole afternoon away, and I didn't never notice the fading light or the storms sometimes building up in the sky, till the sky burst open and the rain flooded the muddy path to the main building of the church. I just felt the music like a storm inside me, and I sung it out 'n' wrung it out, and Lord, it were better than breathing. I didn't never want to do nothin' else but sing. I wanted to sing out my soul till it run dry.

  And one time, after a real good session where I sung one of Jaz's quiet songs and we all got sad and mellow with it, I rode home silent with Harmon, and I thought, So what if I cain't never get Harmon's parents lovin' me the way they do Harmon and Samson. Didn't matter, 'cause I weren't gonna stick round much longer, anyway. Family life and rules wasn't for me. Soon as Etta come to Muscle Shoals I were gonna take off outta there. I were meant to be a famous singer. I were meant to be travelin' and singin' and nothin' more. I knew, 'cause the only time I felt life be worth strugglin' with were when I be singin'.

  One night when I were supposed to be doin' homework, I sneaked into Mrs. James's dressing-room closet and got me out her two evening gowns. I been in there before, just looking at what she got, and I seen them there, and I knew I'd have to come back and get them and try them on. They was long all the way to my ankles, and one were black and cut low in the back, and the other were white and come all the way up in the front with gold fitting round the neck like it be a choker necklace. The dress were almost just like the one I dreamed I would wear when I sung for Etta. Were so sexy looking on me the way it hugged my body, I couldn't stop looking at myself and thinking about that Jaz dude who be in the band.

  Weren't just some of his songs that were hot. Jaz had a wild look in his eyes and a kinda hot-sauce energy when he moved that excited me every time I looked at him. His eyes was set real deep in his head, and his dreads and eyebrows hung heavy over them. He had a nose that looked like he used it to bust open doors, maybe some heads, but he had a pretty mouth with lots of curves to it. Were the prettiest thing 'bout his face besides his skin. He had the prettiest, sexiest skin I ever seen. Were more beautiful than Doris-skin, even. I just all the time wantin' to touch him and feel that warm brown skin on me.

  When Jaz played his keyboard and I got singin', he could get me feelin' so wild inside it changed my voice and in some songs I had that raging, soul-bleedin' sound going that just heated up the whole band. Standing in that gown and watching myself in the mirror while I were thinking 'bout Jaz got me feeling so hot I had to he down. I climbed onto Mr. James's and Mrs. James's bed and stared up at the ceiling. Then boom! The door slammed open and in come Samson and Mrs. James behind him. I sat up fast and got off the bed.

  Mrs. James stood looking at me, and I stood looking back, and we neither one of us said nothin'. Samson come up and touched me and said, "Pretty." He pulled at my dress, and Mrs. James said for him to go on and get Harmon to give him a bath in the blue bathroom tonight, and Samson run back out the room, and me and Mrs. James stood staring again.

  "I just wanted to see how I look in a dress like this, 'cause when I singin' I gonna wear a long gown and—"

  Mrs. James waved her hand in front of her face, closing her eyes. "I don't want to hear it Please, get out of my dress."

  "Yeah, sure." I quick untied the back and pulled it off of me, and she turned her back to me while I got my own clothes on.

  Mrs. James said, "When you've hung my clothes back up, meet me in your room and we'll talk."

  When I got to my room Mrs. James were sitting in a chair with the pile of clothes and puzzles and stuff that had been in the chair, heaped on her lap. I grabbed some of it and said, "I were just gonna clean this up." I went to the closet and dumped it in there. Then I turned round again, and Mrs. James said for me to sit down. She said it like it hurt to push the words out between her teeth.

  I sat down and Mrs. James's face went all soft and funny like she gonna cry all the sudden, and I looked away 'cause I didn't like seeing that kind of thing.

  Then she out of the blue said, "Leshaya, you've been in my room before."

  I said, "No, I ain't. Why you think that kind of thing?" I picked up one of Samson's puzzle pieces off my bed and tossed it a bit in the air and caught it.

  "Some of my things are missing, Leshaya, and I believe you took them."

  I tossed the puzzle piece up again and caught it I said, "Weren't me. Probably Harmon took your stuff. He steals my things all the time. He were always doing that at Patsy and Pete's."

  Were like she didn't hear me at all. She said, "Some of my jewelry—a ring and two necklaces—are missing, and a little black purse and a pair of black stockings. I'd like them back"

  Well, how she could tell them things was missing when she had a whole mes
s of that same kind of stuff in her room, I don't know, but I said I couldn't say where them things got off to 'cause I never seen those things she talking 'bout before. I tossed the puzzle piece up again but missed catching it on the way down and it landed on the floor. I left it there 'cause Mrs. James were staring at me again.

  Don't know what she were staring at, but I just waited her out, and finally, she give up and say I stole her stuff again. She kept pushin' at me to see if I would change my story, and then Harmon come in the room lookin' wet from giving Samson a bath, and when he saw what were going on, he stood leaning on the wall, with his hands behind his back, staring at me like I be some stranger he never seen before.

  Mrs. James never yelled at me, and she didn't hit me, neither, but I could tell she were angry, anyway. She had a look so cross it 'bout made my heart stop dead, but I didn't change my story, 'cause I were stronger than her. So I won and she finally left, telling me first how I'd better clean up the mess in my room.

  Harmon stayed in my room and watched me toss everything into my closet and pull up the top cover of my bed to make it look made up.

  Harmon watched till I got done, then he said, "You'd better give her back her things, Leshaya."

  I turned my back on Harmon and looked at myself in the mirror. Were a gold mirror like I figured they got all over the place in Muscle Shoals. I liked seeing my face with gold round it like that. I could see Harmon, too, in the mirror, standing all pudgy-faced and sad-looking behind me. I said to him, "What makes you think I took them things? Don't you trust me?"

  "Who else would take them? We've never had anything disappear until you moved in with us."

  Harmon's cheeks was all puffed out and his lower lip curled up like he gonna cry.

  "Maybe they just gone missin'. Ever think of that?" I said, grabbing my hair and holding it back in a ponytail so I could see my face better.

  He said, "My sterling silver pocket watch that's engraved to me from Mama and Daddy is missing, too. I always keep that in my top drawer. I always know where everything I own is. Everything. I check every day to make sure my important things are still where I left them because I don't want to lose them. They're special to me, Leshaya."

  I stood up and come over to where Harmon were standing, and I said, "Well, I never seen your watch or your mama's things. So anyway, how you think I'd look with black hair? Or maybe some dreads?"

  Harmon's big old girly eyes filled with tears, and he said, "Stupid." He wiped his eyes, and I let go my hair and sat down on my bed. I didn't mean to be hurtin' Harmon exactly, 'cept he were always thinking he right 'bout everything. He so sure I stole his and his mama's stuff. They like a gang, the four of them. They like a special club. They all hang together on everything, and it were always against me. I hated every one of them.

  Harmon said, "I'm really disappointed in you, Leshaya. You don't know how much you've hurt Mama. She's let you live here with us, and you go and take what belongs to her. Think about how she must feel. Think about us for a change, not you. You're always thinking about you—what you want, how you've got to sing so I have to drive you all over kingdom come, and how you should have the last slice of cheesecake, and go first when we all play a game. You're always thinking about yourself."

  I jumped up from the bed and glared right at Harmon. I all the sudden hated him most. He sounded just like Mr. James talking and not like my old Harmon at all.

  I said to him, "Yeah, I do always think 'bout myself. 'Cause who else gonna think of me first? Who else, Harmon? You think you so special now you got a mama and daddy. You think you so better 'n me just 'cause of that, but it don't mean nothin' at all. It ain't important I already had four mamas, counting yours, and they nothin' special. Singin' what's special. You got no talent or nothin'. You cain't even play trumpet all that good. Nothin's more important than having a big talent and being famous. You just gonna be nothin' but something small someday, but I'm gonna be big. I'm gonna be real big. And I ain't waitin' round for it to happen someday. I'm talon' off soon, so you don't got to worry."

  Harmon moved away from me and crossed his arms in front of hisself. He squinted his eyes mean at me, and I could see he were angry. He said, "What you say about having to look after yourself because who else will makes me feel real sorry for you, Leshaya. We're all really sorry for you. But you act so awful it doesn't matter how sorry we feel that your life's been so hard. You can't steal our stuff and lie about it just because you never had a family before. And we can't just let you do it because we feel sorry for you, either. And whether my life is big or small, at least I know it will be honest and good and full of the people I love and who love me. I don't need anything else."

  "Then why you crying 'bout your stopwatch if you don't need nothin'? You just all the time trying to talk like Mr. James with all that love-and-bein'-honest talk. Wait till you through goin' to your fancy school that I cain't go to and you ain't in this fancy house no more and you out on your own, then see in the real world if you be talkin' 'bout love and honesty and blah, blah, blah!"

  Harmon waved his arms. "I can't talk to you. You're always attacking. It's like you want to fight all the time."

  "If you cain't talk to me, then why you here talkin'? So get out. Get out of my room, already. I don't want to be talkin' to you, neither!"

  He left, but first he told me I'd better return the things I took if I wanted to keep living with them.

  He closed the door behind him, and I shouted through the door, "Weren't gonna keep me long, anyways. So what do I care? Why do I got to follow homework rules and talkin' rules when I gonna be sent away soon, anyways!"

  I waited by the door and listened to Harmon go into his own room and close his door. I knew he were gonna go back to doing his homework. He were always doing his homework or practicing on his trumpet.

  I went over to the table and chair that was in front of the gold mirror and sat down. I picked up the hairbrush and held it like a microphone and watched myself sing real quiet. I pretended I be on a stage in Muscle Shoals with lights and gold all round me, and Etta James waiting in the audience for my song. My hands and knees was shaking like I really be there singin' for Etta James. I looked at myself good in that mirror and I told myself, "They don't want you here. You got to go. You got to move on now. Ain't no other choice."

  Chapter Twenty

  MR. JAMES AND MRS. JAMES called up to me from downstairs. They said they wanted to have another talk with me. I looked into the mirror and told myself to be strong. I had to be stronger than them all ganging up on me. I thought 'bout them things I took Didn't know why I took them 'cept they was pretty. Each thing I took I found in a special place, all tucked in and cared for. Harmon's watch sat in a shiny silver sack lined with soft black velvet in the top drawer of his chest Mrs. James's jewelry were in a fancy box that played music, and each piece were placed in its own special spot, and gold velvet lay all round them. Even the black purse and stockings was in a drawer with perfume-smelling packets inside. They was sittin' in the drawer like they so precious a thing, I just had to have them. And I knew when I were gone from the Jameses' house, all I got to do were look on them things and I'd remember how pretty everything were in that whole house. Anyway, they had a whole house full of pretty, they didn't need the itty-bitty things I took.

  I were thinking 'bout all that when Harmon bust into my room and said, "Girl, get on downstairs. Didn't you hear them calling you?"

  "Yeah, I'm comin'," I said, acting like I didn't forget but I were just cool and takin' my time.

  I went on down to the library, and Mr. James and Mrs. James was sittin' together on their long sofa, holding hands. I stayed standing in front of them, telling myself how I be stronger than them any day, even if they do hold hands.

  Right off they ask me 'bout them things that disappeared. I said I didn't know where their things be, but I would help them look.

  Mrs. James told me to come sit by her, so I did, and she put her arm round me and said she woul
d let me pick out something nice from her jewelry box that I could have, but it was real important that I tell her the truth and return her things.

  I hung my head and got myself to crying. I said I didn't know what happened to her stuff, but I could pay her how much it cost so she could buy everything that she lost.

  Mrs. James's voice got hard-sounding after I said that, and it made me go stiff hearing her talk. She said that telling the truth be way more important than the things that be missing. She said they weren't lost, they were taken from her.

  I figured if tellin' the truth be more important to them, then they wasn't gonna miss what I took much, and what I took were way more important than tellin' the truth, to me. Anyway, I couldn't turn round and tell them a different story all the sudden, like, "Oh yeah, I forgot. I did take them things." Either way, they wasn't gonna keep me. If I lie, they say they don't want no liar livin' with them, and if I say I stole it, they say they don't want no thief in the house. If I stuck with what I said, then least ways I got to keep the pretty things. So when Mr. James told me I needed to tell the truth, I cried real hard and said, "Honest, I swear to God, I didn't take nothin'. Everybody always blaming me for everything. That social worker that come said it be my fault I got kidnapped. It always my fault."

  I fell against Mrs. James and cried all out.

  Mr. James said the social worker said no such thing. He said she would be coming to the house tomorrow to talk to me and if I wanted to, I could straighten that out with her then.

  I lifted my head from off Mrs. James and looked at Mr. James. His face looked so cold at me, it made my throat go dry. He told me to go on and get ready for bed 'cause it were late.

  I went up to my room and packed up my stuff. I didn't need no family, anyway. Didn't need no rules and people always ganging up, they always right and me always wrong.

  When everybody went to sleep, I took my laundry bag and snuck downstairs, going through the kitchen to get outside. I passed the phone on the way and set my bag down. I punched in Mama Linda's number, just to see. Maybe she were sorry 'bout what she done and wanted me to come see her. I might could stop by before I went on to Muscle Shoals and got famous.