“Envy, you’re a sweet young lady. I wish you would see what I see in you. God loves you so much, and He wants to do so much in your life. But you have to get right. Confess your faults, and let go of whatever is keeping you bound.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Rawlings. But the only thing that’s got a hold of me is the death of my mother. The woman who birthed me, gave me my horrendous name, and showed me how to make it on my own. I miss her already, but I don’t think it’s in the same way my sister, Nikkei, misses her.” Envy hunched both shoulders. “Anyway, I’m going inside. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Envy walked inside her apartment with Fischer wagging his tail against her black feathered dress.” When she closed the door behind her and sat the plates in the kitchen, something inside of her felt like it was bursting wide open. She started to cry. She cried so hard that her stomach caved in, and her head felt like it was being pounded with a hammer. Fischer stood in front of her and barked in slow, whiny barks as if he understood her pain.
She sat on the couch in her living room and cried until she heard the shrill ring of her home phone. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. The phone stopped ringing, then started up again. After two or three more times of repetitive ringing, Envy’s cell started to ring. She looked at it. It was Layla.
“Hey, Layla.”
“Hey,” said Layla
“I’m on the phone too, Kacie,” chimed in.
“Hi, Kacie. I want to thank you both for being at the funeral today. And Layla, you know you were spectacular, as always.” Envy managed to compliment her.
“We didn’t call to bother you, Envy,” was Layla’s gentle reply.
“Yeah, we just wanted to tell you that we love you and that we’re here for you,” added Kacie.
“Thanks, y’all. You don’t know how much I appreciate that.”
“Envy,” Kacie spoke up, “did you happen to notice the man dressed in a three piece gray suit, standing toward the back of the crowd of people?”
“I told you that she’s not going to remember anything like that. There were so many people there too. How could she notice anyone? Today was not the day,” scolded Layla.
“How did he look?” Envy asked as she sniffed.
“All I can say is that he was suave, handsome as Denzel, and that suit that clung to him wasn’t from Men’s Wearhouse. Brother was bronze like the sun had planted light kisses evenly over his face. He wasn’t tall as Deacon, but he wasn’t short like Kirk Franklin either. Brotha was just fine.” Kacie laughed over the phone, and Layla lightly snickered.
Envy’s mind played like a recorder on autoplay. Sounds like Leonard. But how would he know about my mother’s death? I haven’t talked to him since last week when I told him she was sick. “I can’t say who that was.” Envy was not about to reveal that it was possibly one of her mates. “It could have been one of my brother-in-law’s friends or co-workers, or Nikkei’s co-workers or church members. I don’t know. And right now, I don’t care to try to figure out who it was.” Envy’s tone changed to that of agitation.
“See, Kacie, didn’t I tell you that Envy wasn’t up to talking about a man. You need to be concentrating on getting your life together before you drop that baby. No sense in trying to hitch on to another man until you get things straight with Deacon…and his wife,” snapped Layla.
“Look, heif—” Kacie stated.
“Stop it,” Envy yelled into the phone. “I don’t want to hear this tonight. Y’all settle it between yourselves. I’m out. I’ll talk to y’all tomorrow. I need to get some rest.” Envy hung up the phone quickly after Layla and Kacie apologized to her for causing a ruckus.
The home phone rang just as she hung up the cell. “Dang, who is it now?” she said to Fischer. She got up and walked to the phone sitting on the hallway stand. The caller ID read L. R. Swift. Envy thought for a couple of seconds and answered the phone just as it was about to go into voicemail. “Hi, Leonard. What’s up?” she asked with slight surprise.
“Just thought I’d call to see how you were doing? I’m sorry about the passing of your mother,” he said. “Is there anything I can do?”
“How do you know about my mother?” Envy muttered in a broken voice.
“It’s not important how I found out. What’s important to me is you. You sound so sad, fragile. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I can let you know that I’m here for you.” His voice sounded calming.
Unsure how to respond to Leonard, Envy forced her tears to stay back and gained control of her voice before she spoke. “That’s nice of you. But I’m fine. I’m going to try to get some sleep. This has all been draining. One minute I’m looking at my mother, and she’s sick, but alive. The next moment, like a motion picture script, crash carts and code blues, nurses and doctors are rushing to her room. Then the worst words that I can imagine were next. ‘Your mother didn’t make it.’ How crazy is that?”
“Do you want me to come over?”
“That won’t be necessary. I’m fine, really.”
“Why won’t you let me be there for you? For once, let someone in your life, Envy. If only for a while.” His words rang with insistence.
Envy hated it when people thought they knew her, especially men. No one knew the real Envy. No one understood what thoughts rushed through her mind, what demons she fought against every day. Did people like Leonard think she enjoyed closing herself off from the world and men like him? She had no choice. The past was a constant reminder of that. “Look, I don’t know why you’re trying to come off like you’re so concerned about me. Leonard, I don’t want to play mind games, not tonight. I want to be left alone to be me. I can’t think of satisfying you tonight and I sure don’t think you can satisfy me. So let’s leave it at that.” She spoke harshly, hoping her words stung him enough to make him back away.
“I don’t want to come over there for my personal gratification. I want to come and be with you, comfort you and hold you, because you’re my friend. It’s not about making love. Just let me come to see you for a few minutes. Please.”
Envy paced from the hall to the kitchen. Fischer lay on the sofa with his head resting on his giant paws. She succumbed to his pleading. “Okay, you can come by. But only for a few minutes.”
“I’ll be there in about twenty minutes. Do you want me to bring you anything? Food? Soda? Anything?”
“Yes, white wine,” she told him and hung up the phone.
Envy’s phone rang about the same time as Leonard pulled into the driveway. It was Mrs. Rawlings. “Mrs. Rawlings, is everything all right?” Envy said into the phone.
“I’m fine, but I called to ask you the same question. I heard a car and when I peeped through the curtains, I saw that black jaguar pulling in the driveway. You know the one I’m talking about. One of your so called friends got out.”
“Hold on just a second, Mrs. Rawlings. The doorbell is ringing.” She held the phone to her ear and walked to the door. “Mrs. Rawlings, I tell you what, we’ll talk tomorrow. Goodnight,” she told her and welcomed Leonard inside after hanging up.
“Hey, there,” he said sensuously.
“Hi, Leonard. Come on in.” She extended her hand as a guide and closed the door behind him.
“I’ll open the wine if you want,” he offered after grazing her cheeks with his soft lips.
“Sure. Look in the cabinet opposite the sink. You’ll find the wine glasses.”
He followed Envy’s instructions and filled two glasses with wine. He walked back into the living room. It was empty.
Like she could read his mind, Envy called to him. “I’m in the bedroom.”
He went straight to her room. She was laying in the bed in the fetal position. A coral panty and bra set covered her private places.
“Here you go,” he said without noting her skimpy attire.
“Thank you.” She sat up and accepted the glass of wine, taking two rather large swallows. “This is good.”
Leonard remained standing, like he was waiting
on an invitation before he proceeded further. He didn’t have to wait but a nanosecond.
Envy patted her hand on the bed and he sat down. “You know you didn’t have to do this. It’s not like I need looking after or anything. I’m a big girl. I know how to deal with the ups and downs of life.”
“You don’t have to tell me that. I noticed that practically the first time I met you. You proved yourself at the business meeting between my company and the one you work for. I think I fell for you right on the spot. You were hot,” Leonard flirted. “Just like you are now,” he said calmly, while observing her with a full body scan. The two of them laughed and exchanged friendly banter as they reminisced. “That was three years ago, but who’s counting?”
Envy laughed. It felt good to momentarily exchange her grief for happiness. With every word Leonard spoke about their friendship, she realized that he had been a constant in her life when all the other men she’d been with came and went. What made Leonard hang around? She’d never really thought about it. Whatever it was, she wasn’t going to begin trying to figure it out tonight. Tonight she was thankful for him being there. He exited the bedroom in between changing subjects and brought back the bottle of wine. They enjoyed another glass. After the start of her third glass, she nestled her body beside Leonard, and with a slight nudge from her, he fell backward on the mattress.
Envy inhaled his scent. In quietness, he wrapped his ripped bicep around her delicately, like a blossoming flower. She didn’t know if it were the mixture of wine, the comforting assurance in the way he held her, or her grief that allowed tears to flow. But they did. Leonard used the back of his free hand to gingerly wipe tears that tread along her face. He held her close as her sobs broke free. Envy had never allowed herself to show emotion of this kind around any man. She had promised never to allow a man to have any control over her thoughts, actions, and definitely not her decisions. Crying was for babies, and she wasn’t a baby by a long shot. As if recognizing suddenly what she was doing, Envy pounced up and away from Leonard’s loving embrace. She reached for tissue on her night table and wiped her face. She blew her nose and excused herself. “I’ll...I’ll be back in just a minute.” She headed for her master bathroom.
After several minutes passed and Envy had not come out of the bathroom, Leonard undressed down to his boxers. His six-pack was pronounced and his calf muscles ripped from obviously working out. “You okay?” he asked when she returned.
She halted her steps when she saw that he was undressed. “I’m fine. I’m sorry about that. You know that’s not me,” she spoke apologetically.
“No need to apologize. That’s what friends are for. I’m glad you allowed me to be with you tonight.” He reached out his hand to beckon her.
“Leonard, please put your clothes back on. I’m not in the mood for getting my groove on. Not tonight.” She shook her head and folded her arms. Not bothering to make another step toward him.
“Neither am I. I only wanted to feel comfortable. I had to get out of that monkey suit. So come on, you know me enough to know that I don’t bite that often,” he joked.
Envy slightly smiled, and accepted his offer. She walked over and climbed in the bed next to him. They lay back again. Envy popped up, turned toward him, and rested her body on her elbow. “Leonard, were you at my mother’s funeral today?” she asked like the thought had just popped into her mind.
“Yes. I hoped you didn’t see me. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know how you treasure your privacy; that’s why I believe we do so well together.”
Envy rested back against him and the pillow without responding. A slight upturned expression came on her face.
Fischer plopped onto the foot of the bed like he was claiming his space no matter who was there. Envy usually kept the door closed when her mates came to visit, leaving Fischer in the guest room. But so many things about today, tonight, and this very moment were different. She didn’t know what it was, but for her she understood that life would never be like it was before her mother died.
Envy fell asleep in Leonard’s arms. A man of his word, he didn’t try to make love to her. He simply held her and kissed her hair before he fell asleep. But Envy tossed and turned in her sleep again as the night terrors started again.
Breaking News! Tot mom arrested and charged with murder, the caption read. News correspondent, Nancy Grace broke the news about the despicable young woman who left her toddler to die in a bathroom. “While her baby lies in a toilet, this so called mother leaves and goes to class. Yes, you heard me, viewers. She leaves her baby to die in a bathroom toilet and doesn’t look back. I hope she gets the death penalty. How inhumane can a person be, especially a mother?”
The torment of all that had happened replayed in her mind. Bad dreams, the loss of her father to another family, and her mother’s death. All of it zoomed through her mind like a presentation on loop. Her eyes opened wide, pointed toward the ceiling as she relived the nightmare. Lord, won’t you have mercy on me? Please? It seemed like she could hear an almost inaudible childlike voice replying, “Why should God have mercy on you when you didn’t show mercy toward me?”
She looked around like she expected someone else other than Leonard to be in the room. There was no one else. Leonard lay beside her still asleep, one arm underneath the nape of her neck. Envy closed her eyes, hoping somehow she could drown out the words that sounded over and over in her head. You didn’t show mercy toward me. You didn’t show mercy toward me.
Chapter Seventeen
Most people tend to think the best of those who are blessed with beauty; we have difficulty imagining that physical perfection can conceal twisted emotions or a damaged mind.
Dean Koontz
The following afternoon, Dennis arrived to pick up Layla for evening Bible Study at her church. Afterward they were going to dinner. It was Layla’s idea to invite Dennis to midweek praise service. During the time they’d been seeing one another, she’d learned quite a bit about Dennis. Both his mother and father were ministers, but Dennis was not a regular church attendee. During one of their long night conversations, he told her how he had basically gotten burned out from going to church. When he was growing up he spent seven days a week attending some type of church function with his parents. He had vowed when he became an adult, he was going to attend church when he chose to, and he’d kept his word.
Dennis’s parents didn’t have their own church, but they were ministers at a church in Brownsville, Tennessee where they had served for over 13 years. His father was an ordained minister and Minister of Pastoral Care. His mother was a licensed evangelist. To this day, they still attended church faithfully.
Layla looked in the mirror. She was starting to love herself more and more. Since meeting Dennis, she’d lost close to seventy pounds. Though the reason for her dramatic weight loss was unpleasant, it had truly made a difference in her life. Dennis never complained or acted like he disapproved of her size, but she wasn’t feeling this because of Dennis. After what Mike did to destroy her, Layla made up in her mind that she was going to use it to make a positive change in her life, which included eating healthier, exercising, and in time, she hoped to start to really love herself the way God always loved her.
When Dennis picked her up, the look on his face showed that he was very well pleased with the sight before him. Layla’s pacific blue A-line empire tunic, navy pants, matching sling backs, and accessories enhanced her beauty. Her steps were more assured and confident, and the smile she wore on her face was authentic. She allowed Dennis to easily take hold of her hand and lead her to his Sedan.
“Not only do you look fabulous, you smell like a field of the best smelling flowers.” Dennis opened the passenger door for Layla. After she got inside, he leaned in and kissed her with delight on her polished lips. She returned his kiss with equal eagerness.
“I am so excited about you coming to church with me tonight,” Layla told him with a huge smile on her face.
“Like I tol
d you, God is my Savior. And I know that when my time is up on this earth, that I am going to be with Him. But as for going to sit in church every Sunday, I don’t do that. I don’t have my name written on any church roll, but I do visit various churches frequently. I don’t choose to do it every Sunday,” he explained with gentleness.
“I understand. I have no problem with that.”
“Good, but I do want to let you know that tonight won’t be my last time. I have to come one Sunday so I can hear you sing.”
Layla blushed. “I’m going to hold you to that.”
The midweek service was led by the associate pastor. It was a sermon about Christians and worry. Pastor Byrd spoke with power and conviction. “There are many of God’s people wallowing in self pity, anxiety, and worry. They walk around depressed, anxious, confused, fearful, and trouble minded. But I don’t understand this when we serve a true, living God. God is the creator of everything. No matter what troubles you’re faced with, God is able. He is our provider, our healer, and our deliverer. The cattle on a thousand hills belong to him.” Pastor Byrd moved around the pulpit with ease. “If He cares for the birds and takes time to provide water and food for them, how much more do you think He cares about us?”
Dennis squeezed Layla’s hand and looked at her with great affection.
“This evening I want to remind you that God is bigger than any problem you are facing. There is nothing too hard for Him. Absolutely nothing,” Pastor Byrd emphasized. “As I get ready to close this evening’s message, I want to leave you with this thought. Do not fear. Do not fret. Do not be discouraged. Trust in God. God’s promises are yes. His Word tells us in Psalm chapter 34, verse 19: Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all. Now that’s enough to shout on.”
Several people stood and waved their hands in the air, while others shouted, “Praise God” and “Amen.” Layla nodded her head in agreement.
“God said that He will deliver His children out of every single solitary one of their afflictions; not some, but all of them. Whatever your problems. No matter how big, how small. God promises to deliver you out of them all.” He balled his fist and raised his arm in the air each time he said the word, all.
Beautiful Ugly Page 18