Give Me Wings

by Joy Redmond

  When Carnikko was in her pajamas, she jumped into the middle of the double bed, ready to snuggle between Mama and Daddy.

  Mama tucked the boys in, kissed them, and listened to their prayers. Then she returned to the bed and crawled in next to Carnikko.

  Daddy came in from visiting the outhouse, stripped off his clothes, then slid under the covers. A moment later, he whispered, “Punkin, ya gotta sleep with Don and Lee tonight.”

  She started to complain, but he scooped her into his arms and carried her out of the room. As he walked, he said, “I’ll put ya in the middle so the boys can’t pull the covers off and freeze yer butt.” He squeezed her tiny body between the boys.

  Although she wasn’t happy about it, she soon felt herself drifting off to sleep. Suddenly, she felt something warm and wet hit her right leg. As if on cue she felt the same thing on her left leg. She crossed her arms over her chest and mumbled, “I knew them stupid boys would pee on me.”

  The next morning, Carnikko awoke, eased out of bed, pulled off her pajamas, opened the top chest drawer, grabbed a pair of panties, slipped them on, then took a clean dress from the rack by the chest, and pulled it over her head.

  She ran into the front room ready to snuggle between Mama and Daddy. Just as she entered the room, she stopped in her tracks. The bed was empty.

  She heard soft weeping. She glanced over her left shoulder and saw Mama sitting in the wingback chair with her face buried in her hands. The hair on Carnikko’s nape stood up as she slowly crossed the floor. “Mama, where’s Daddy?” she whispered.

  Mama wiped her eyes. “Daddy is—”

  Carnikko finished her sentence. “Daddy’s gone,” she said, her voice weak.

  Mama just nodded.

  Carnikko backed against the wall, slumped to the floor, and leaned against the hard cold wood. One minute she’d been happy, excited, and ready to nestle beside Daddy, twirl his chest hairs with her forefinger—the next, her entire life had been turned upside-down, as she realized that the Daddy she desperately loved had abandoned her again.

  Chapter Sixteen

  For several days, Carnikko trudged through life in a haze. Whenever the pain threatened to overwhelm her, she closed her eyes, chanted, sprouted wings, and flew away.

  One day at her school desk, her heart was aching and her eyes stung. She closed her eyes, and Purple Angel fluttered across her eyeballs. She chanted inside her head. Out popped her wings and she flew away. When her feet touched the ground, she was astonished to see something new in her special place—a Mama and Daddy tree! Mama and Daddy were swinging from a lower branch, swaying back and forth like Carnikko did when she played on the monkey bars. Mama wasn’t crying and Daddy wasn’t drunk or yelling.

  As they saw Carnikko running toward them, they dropped to the ground, enfolded her with their arms, kissed her, and told her they’d never leave her. She hugged them tightly, never wanting to leave their loving embrace.

  “Carnikko, would you like to open your eyes and join the rest of the class?” she suddenly heard the teacher ask sharply.

  Zoom! She was back at her desk. Each time someone broke her reverie and made her leave her special place, Carnikko tried to block out the voice, but so far she hadn’t been able to do it.

  The winter slowly passed with no more word or visits from Daddy. It was as if he had dropped off the face of the earth. However, each time the family’s last lump of coal was about to be burned, a load of coal arrived. When the last morsel of food was about to be eaten, someone showed up at their door with groceries. When spring finally arrived, the bright sunshine and mild temperatures were a welcome relief.

  The second week of April, Carnikko sat on the front porch, swinging and enjoying the weather. The day was warm and the sun felt good on her skin, warm and invigorating. The trees were a green-and-yellow rainbow against the blue sky.

  Late that evening, she lay on a pallet under the elm, basking in the coziness of the soft pillow that Rachel had allowed her to take from the bed. The fresh sounds of Mother Nature’s night wonders drifted through the air. She listened as a frog croaked and she was sure she heard a mosquito fart. “Croak, fart, croak, fart,” she sang.

  As she gazed up at the sky, she wondered if God could see her and how far away He was. She closed her eyes and tried to picture what God might look like and what He would feel like if she could touch Him. Suddenly, a tingling feeling spread throughout her body. “God must live in my heart,” she mumbled as she enjoyed the warm glow of that feeling.

  In one week, it would be Easter. Mama had told them about the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, but Carnikko really didn’t like to hear that story. It made her cry.

  Easter was also when they usually went to visit Grandma and Grandpa Winston for the big Easter egg hunt. Grandpa always dyed several dozen goose, duck, guinea, bantam, and chicken eggs. The guinea and bantam eggs were the size of jaybird eggs, small and cute, and adored by the seven grandchildren—Rachel’s four and her sister Nora’s three.

  Grandpa took great pride in dying the eggs, mixing food dyes to make various colors. He wrote names on the eggs with a paraffin stick while they were hot. When the eggs cooled, he dipped them into the dye and the children’s names would appear. He also made a special goose egg by dying it a golden color. The child who found the golden egg got a quarter.

  The Saturday before Easter, Mama sat in the swing at midday, talking to Carnikko about the farm where she had grown up. “This will be the first Easter I won’t spend at least part of the day on that farm. I know how much you children enjoyed Easter.”

  Carnikko watched Mama raise the hem of her dress and wipe her eyes. She couldn’t bear seeing Mama sad, so she ran around to the side of the house in search of Don and Lee. She found them under the house, playing in the dirt. She joined them, and just as she was scooping up her first handful of dirt, she heard a car coming up the hill. All three children crawled out from under the house and ran to the corner, then peered around it.

  “Hi, Rach!” Uncle Clayton said as he waved and slammed the door of his Model A. Then he hurried to the porch, jumping up the steps and holding his arms open.

  Mama stood and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Hi, yourself. What brings you out here? Are you reading my mind or something?” she said, sounding happier than she had in months.

  “Somethin' like that,” Uncle Clayton said, hugging Mama tighter. “I just had a gut feelin' that I needed to come. So, what’s happenin'?”

  As Clayton and Mama sat in the swing, she heaved a sigh and said, “Nothing ever happens around here. It’s always the same old thing. Tomorrow is Easter and the children are going to have to miss the egg hunt at Mother and Father’s for the first time ever.”

  “Oh, stop,” Clayton said with a laugh. “They ain’t gonna miss nothin'. You just get everybody ready and I’ll take ya over there, okay? Ya can spend the night and go to church with your parents in the mornin'. Then I’ll come back and get ya late tomorrow afternoon. How does that sound?”

  After hearing that good news, Carnikko, Don, and Lee emerged from their listening spot and ran to the porch.

  “I thought I heard a car,” Don said.

  “I knew it was you,” Carnikko added.

  “Me, too,” Lee said happily.

  Uncle Clayton pointed his forefinger and began to count, “One, two, three. Hey, where’s my baby?”

  “He’s down for a nap,” Mama answered.

  Uncle Clayton looked at the children and asked, “Hey, kids, how would y'all like to go for an overnight visit with Grandma and Grandpa?”

  “Yeah!” they yelled, clapping their hands and sending dust flying into the air.

  While Uncle Clayton waited outside, Mama hurried into the house, packed for the trip, got the children cleaned up, and soon they were on the way to the other side of the county.

  Carnikko was excited about being able to sleep in the big feather bed at Grandma and Grandpa’s. That would be almost as much fun as t
he egg hunt.

  The children squirmed in the backseat because the trip seemed to take forever, but they finally arrived. Grandma and Grandpa beamed as they watched their daughter and the children climb out of the car. Aunt Nora’s three children ran to greet them.

  As Grandma and Grandpa patted the children’s heads, it occurred to Carnikko that not once in her life could she remember her grandparents hugging her. They were so different from Mammaw and Pappaw, who happily hugged them and gave them kisses. Still, the smile on their faces and the gleam in their eyes told Carnikko that her grandparents loved her, even though they never showed any physical affection.

  Seven children scattered around the yard for the rest of the afternoon until Grandma called them in for supper at five o’clock. Grandpa had spent the day in his hammock, chewing tobacco, dozing, and watching the grandchildren play. When Grandma called everybody in, he rolled out of the hammock and smiled as he trailed behind the children.

  Shivers ran down Carnikko’s spine when she saw a bit of tobacco juice in the corner of Grandpa’s mouth—and for a moment, she was afraid that Candy Man was walking behind her. Then she regained control, bravely looked back again, and was relieved to see that it was her grandpa behind her, smiling broadly and patting her head.

  As she reached for the screen door, Carnikko wondered if she would ever be able to put that nasty deed behind her, or would the memory of Candy Man haunt her for the rest of her life?

  After supper, Grandpa retired to his rocker and nearby spittoon. Carnikko and her cousin Reva waited for him to uncross his legs, and when he did, he looked at them and smiled, letting them know it was time to play. They each straddled a leg and squealed with delight as he gave them horsey rides until his legs no longer had the strength to keep pumping up and down.

  Grandpa had also made slingshots for the boys, and they went outside after supper and gathered up shelled corn that the chickens hadn’t eaten from the yard, loaded their slingshots, and pelted the large oak in the backyard. As the sun finally began to set, it was time for everyone to take sponge baths and head for bed.

  The next morning, the children dressed for church in what Grandpa called their Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes. Grandma surprised Reva and Carnikko with matching yellow dresses with puffed sleeves and round collars that she had made for them. She also gave them yellow socks with lace trim and straw hats with yellow ribbons around the brims.

  The boys had some new clothes too—brown slacks and white button-down shirts. Grandma had starched handkerchiefs for the boys and stuffed them into the breast pockets, but she insisted that the handkerchiefs were only for decoration and not to be used to blow their noses. They didn’t argue because they knew Grandma always won.

  Grandpa hitched the mules to the wagon and after everyone was aboard, he slapped the reins and said loudly, “Giddy up, go!”

  As their bodies swayed with the movement of the wagon, the children laughed and nudged each other. As far as they were concerned, a wagon ride was the only way to travel. When they arrived at church, Grandpa pulled the wagon under a large tree and the children jumped to the ground. Grandpa never tied the mules. They just seemed to know they were supposed to stay put.

  Carnikko began to squirm in the pew as the preacher droned on and on. She was anxious to start the egg hunt and positive that she’d be the one to find the golden goose egg.

  Finally, church was over. They climbed back into the wagon, and before Grandpa slapped the reins, he looked over his shoulder at his seven grandchildren, saying, “Everybody ready back there?”

  In unison, the children gleefully cried out, “Yeah, Grandpa!”

  Grandpa slapped the reins and happily said, “Giddy up, go!”

  When they arrived home, the children changed into their regular clothes, anxious to begin their quest for the golden egg. After all, a quarter was a lot of money. There was also a blue duck egg that was worth a dime, and a yellow bantam egg that was worth a nickel.

  By the end of the hunt, Don had found the golden egg, Lee found the duck egg, and cousin Mark had spotted the bantam one. Carnikko pouted, but she knew that Grandpa would sneak her a pack of Juicy Fruit to ease her pain and frustration. He always did. And Grandma would fuss and say, “You’re playing favorites with that child. It’s not right.”

  After the egg hunt, everyone gathered around the table and wolfed down slices of smoked ham from Grandpa’s smoke house that Grandma had cooked all day Saturday until the tender meat was literally falling off the bone. They peeled Easter eggs, salted them, and enjoyed them with ham, white beans, and cornbread.

  Uncle Clayton arrived late that afternoon. As they all said their goodbyes and climbed into the Model A. Carnikko thought it had been the best Easter ever.

  The months rolled on by with still no word from Teddy, and he sent very little money. Mama took on sewing for members of the community and the church. She did alterations and made garments. Women would bring material, thread, and patterns so Mama could make them outfits. The extra money came in handy, but the best part for Carnikko was the leftover material. Mama used the store-bought material to make dresses for her—which meant no more feed sacks.

  In late August the weather was sweltering, everybody grew testy, and Mama was in despair. It had been eight months with no letters or visits from Daddy. One afternoon, Mama sat in the rocker, fanning Evan with a straw fan. Evan was trying to sleep, rivulets of sweat pouring down the sides of his face, his golden hair wet with perspiration.

  Don and Lee were under the house where it was cooler, scooping dirt into a bucket so Carnikko could make mud pies, but she wasn’t really in the mood to make them. She was missing Daddy and her heart ached to see Mama so sad.

  She walked across the yard and nestled under the elm, trying to catch a breeze and get some relief from the intense heat as her empty stomach rumbled. It was the summer of her seventh year and she wondered if she would spend the rest of her life hungry. There were days when her heart felt as if it no longer had the will to beat.

  Under the elm was the perfect place to be alone and conjure Purple Angel. She closed her eyes, crossed her arms over her chest, swayed her body and began to chant, “Give me wings.”

  Purple Angel suddenly fluttered across Carnikko’s eyeballs. Then the familiar buds began to pop through her shoulders and grew into wings. She began to flap, and soon she was soaring through the sky.

  When she landed, she was in an orchard of fruit trees, the branches loaded with apples, pears, and peaches. A large strawberry patch spread across a field to the left of the orchard, bordered by a heavy-laden pecan tree. Carnikko began picking fruit and ate until her stomach finally felt as if it could hold no more. She was savoring the sensation when one of the boys called to her. Zoom! She was immediately back under the elm.

  Momentarily dazed, Carnikko looked around, swearing under her breath, “Daddy is a sorry sumbitch. I’m gonna hate him till the crack of doomsday!” She swatted the sweet-bees that swarmed around her face. “Ya could come home every now and then, don’t ya know.”

  Just then, she heard a car coming up the hill. It didn’t have the roar of a busted tailpipe, and it didn’t sound like Uncle Clayton’s Model A, which Mama said sounded like a threshing machine. As the car stopped in front of the house, Carnikko ran to see who it was.

  She had to shield her eyes from the sun, but the voice that spoke was familiar. “Hi, Punkin! Come over here and give yer ol’ man a hug,” Daddy said as he shut the door of a black 1943 Chevy.

  “Daddy!” she cried, running toward his outstretched arms.

  Daddy lifted her up and she wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed with all her might. “Hey, don’t choke me to death, Punkin!” he said as he kissed her cheek, then set her back down.

  She grabbed him around the waist as he turned his body sideways, then she saw a woman get out of the car. Carnikko pointed her finger in the woman’s direction and asked, “Who’s that?”

  Daddy paused, then said, “Uh
—she’s a friend.” He wiped his hand over his forehead and asked, “Where’s yer mama?”

  As Carnikko stared, the woman reached into the front seat and picked up a baby. Carnikko’s voice was full of suspicion as she finally managed to say, “Mama’s in the house.”

  Daddy looked at the woman and said sternly, “You stay out here. This ain’t gonna be easy, and ya better not start no shit!”

  The woman shifted the baby on her hip and said, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll wait on the porch.”

  Carnikko ran across the yard, hurried up the porch steps and inside the house, where she found Mama in the kitchen, getting a drink of cold water that she’d just drawn from the well. Just as Mama put the dipper to her lips, Carnikko said, “Mama, Daddy’s here, and he’s got a woman with him—and a baby!”

  Mama dropped the dipper into the bucket, looked at Carnikko, and said, “What?”

  At that moment, Daddy walked into the kitchen, his face red and his jaw muscles flexing. He waved his hand and said, “Carnikko, you get outta here now! This is between yer mama and me.”

  Carnikko ran into the middle room and held her ear against the wall so she could listen to what Mama and Daddy were going to say to each other.

  There was a long silence, and then she heard Daddy say, “Look, Rachel. I’m gawddang tired of having two women pulling me in two, and I ain’t gonna take no lip off either one of ya. You can hate me if ya wanna, and you’d have a right, but don’t start nothin'. I ain’t in the mood.”

  Then his voice softened as he continued, “Rachel, I didn’t want ya to find out like this, but, well, gawddangit, I couldn’t keep it a secret forever.”

  Mama slapped her hands on her hips and spoke as harshly as Carnikko had ever heard her do. It was even worse than Christmas when Daddy had lost all his money and told the children there was no Santa. “Teddy, you will not talk to me like I’m a common house slave or a brood mare for your children and nothing more. How dare you bring another woman—and a baby to my house? I can’t believe this! Do you think I have no pride? Do you think I’ll turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to your philandering like I’ve always done? Not this time!”