Give Me Wings

by Joy Redmond

  Carnikko looked at Ellie and saw that her face wasn’t painted, her eyes looked dead, and she was short and fat. A cigarette dangled from Ellie’s lips and ashes had dropped down the front of what looked like one of Daddy’s shirts. Ellie’s lips looked pale without the bright red lipstick and her hair was dingy and matted. Could she really be the same harlot Daddy had brought to Mama’s house?

  “You wanna tell me what the hell’s going on here?” Ellie asked, her voice rising.

  Daddy replied sternly, “I went to Kentucky and got ꞌem. They’s my kids, and they belong with me! And don’t be givin' me no shit!”

  Ellie stomped through the kitchen and disappeared through a door to the right.

  Carnikko looked around. The kitchen had a two-burner gas stove, a tiny sink the size of a washbasin, a table and two chairs, and the smallest icebox she’d ever seen. Then she wrinkled her nose and said, “Daddy, I smell pee.”

  Daddy sighed and said, “Yeah, that’s from yer lil’ sister’s diapers. You’ll get used to it. Are you kids hungry?” He opened the icebox, “Well, looks like all we got is nothin' and more nothin', but don’t worry, I’ll run to the store. It won’t take long.” He slammed the icebox door.

  As Daddy hurried toward the door, Don and Lee pulled the chairs away from the table and sat down while Carnikko looked around. “This place is a dump! And everything’s too little. I don’t like it.” She walked over to a window a few feet from the corner of the icebox, peered through the grimy pane, and looked down into the alley. Rats the size of cats scurried around the strewn garbage. The furry creatures with black, beady eyes gave her the willies. She shivered, then backed away. “I think Daddy brought us to hell.”

  Don yawned and said, “I wonder where we’re supposed to sleep?” Looking toward the doorway Ellie had gone through, he said, “Maybe there’s more rooms that way.”

  “I hope Daddy gets back fast,” Lee said, looking nervous and frightened. “Sissy, do you really think this is hell and is the devil gonna chase us?”

  Carnikko hugged her little brother. “Don’t you fret. Ain’t no devil gonna get anybody if I have anything to say about it.”

  After what seemed like a long time, Daddy returned. With a smile, he set a sack on the table and pulled out a loaf of bread, a package of cheese, some bologna, and a half-gallon of milk. “This oughta hold us for a while,” he announced, mussing Lee’s hair. As he reached for the bread, he said, “Damn! I forgot to buy mayonnaise. Oh, well, bologna and cheese is good any way you fix it.”

  He fixed each of the children a sandwich, then he made one for himself. When he was finished, he held his sandwich in the air and said, “Through the teeth and over the gums—look out stomach, here it comes!” The children laughed. Daddy tipped the milk carton and took a big gulp. He passed the carton to the children, and said, “Bottoms up, kids!”

  Again, the children laughed liked they used to back when Daddy had lived with them, back when life was worth living.

  When they were finished eating, Daddy put the leftover food in the icebox and said, “Well, I guess we need to fix you kids a place to sleep.”

  “Are there more rooms that way?” Don asked, pointing at the room he had seen Ellie go into.

  “Nah, we only got two rooms—a kitchen and a bedroom. We ain’t got enough room to fart and run from the smell,” Daddy said. “I’ll get some blankets. I’ve got an old army cot. Carnikko, you can sleep on that. You boys will have to make a pallet on the floor. I’ll put the cot over there under the window and I’ll scoot the table over a bit. That’ll work.”

  Carnikko craned her neck trying to peer through the darkness of the bedroom, wondering if her little sister was in there, and if Ellie was going to come back into the kitchen and throw something at them.

  Shortly, Daddy returned, dropped two blankets on the floor, and said, “There ain’t no extra pillows, boys. Sorry.”

  As he unfolded the cot, dozens of bugs fell to the floor and scurried off in all directions.

  Carnikko gasped, “What’s them things?”

  “Ah, they’re just cockroaches! They won’t hurt ya, they’re just nastier than a fly on top of a pile of cow shit. You’ll get used to ꞌem,” Daddy stretched the canvas cot tight and brushed it with his hand. Then he held out a thin, worn blanket and said, “This is the only thing I got left, Punkin.”

  “What am I supposed to sleep in, Daddy?” Carnikko asked.

  “Oh, holy shit!” he said. “We got out of there so fast we didn’t grab no clothes!” He left the room, then returned with three, white T-shirts. “Here, you can sleep in these for tonight.”

  Carnikko said, “Daddy, I gotta pee. Do we hafta go outside to a toilet?”

  “Nah, there’s a bathroom down the hall. I’ll show ya where it is,” Daddy said, motioning for her to follow. “Do ya boys have to go?”

  Don and Lee both said they did, so they followed their dad down a dimly lit hallway that ran perpendicular to the hall they had used to enter the building.

  “It’s right there,” Daddy said, tapping on the door and waiting. When no one answered the knock, Daddy pushed the door open, walked inside, and pulled a long string hanging from the ceiling to turn on the single bulb hanging overhead. “Carnikko, you go first. Me and the boys will wait outside.”

  Carnikko looked around. There was a claw foot tub, a commode, and a small sink. She didn’t want to sit on the filthy commode, so she squatted, mumbling, “I guess I’ll get used to it.”

  When she stepped back into the hallway, Don and Lee rushed in to take their turn, and Carnikko asked, “Daddy, why’s the bathroom so far away?”

  Daddy ran his hand over his face as he usually did when he didn’t want to answer a question, then said, “Because people from four apartments have to share it—so always knock before you open the door if it’s closed. Most of the morons in this place don’t bother to lock it.”

  When the two boys came out, Daddy announced, “Wait here now, kids. I hafta go too.”

  The children just stared at each other while they waited, and when he came out, Daddy led them back to the apartment and locked the door behind them.

  “Get undressed, kids, and go to sleep,” he said and walked to the bedroom, his head hung as if he were too troubled to hold it upright.

  Just as he was closing the bedroom door, Carnikko yelled, “Daddy!”

  Daddy looked back and asked, “What is it now, Punkin?”

  “We can’t undress in front of each other. Boys and girls ain’t supposed to do that.”

  “Oh, hell’s bells,” Daddy said as he walked to the center of the room, pulled the long string hanging from the ceiling, and turned out the overhead bulb. “Now you can all get undressed and go to sleep.”

  The children undressed and slipped on the T-shirts, then settled into their makeshift beds. Carnikko said a prayer, asking God to keep her and her brothers safe in the hellish place where they would be living. Just as she was finishing her prayer, she heard a sound, like little fingernails scraping the floor.

  “Don, Lee, are you asleep?” she whispered in the darkness.

  Don and Lee said, “Nah.”

  “Did ya hear that noise?” Carnikko whispered.

  An instant later, Don screamed as if a king cobra had reared its head, ready to strike.

  Carnikko was sure a monster was in the room and was going to eat them alive.

  “Daddy!” all three kids screamed in unison.

  Daddy bolted back into the kitchen, yelling, “What in hell is wrong now? Are ya gonna keep me up all night?”

  “Somethin' ran across my leg,” Don said, his voice quivering. “It was big and hairy.”

  “My god, boy!” Daddy said, turning on the light. As light flooded the kitchen, a large rat scurried under the stove. “Hell, it’s just a rat. You big tittybabies, shut-up. You’ll get used to ꞌem. Now, go to sleep, and I don’t wanna hear another yell or word from any of ya. Do ya hear me?”

  Daddy’s voice
was so harsh, Carnikko knew they couldn’t make a sound. Not even if Bloody Bones came through the door, shook them until their eyeballs fell out, and rolled under the stove behind the rat.

  Daddy pulled the light string, stubbed his toe on the chair, said the “F” word, and hopped on one foot into the bedroom.

  Don whispered, “Carnikko, can me and Lee sleep on the cot with you?”

  Carnikko said, “There ain’t enough room.”

  “Well, make room, because we’re comin' up there!” Don said firmly.

  Don and Lee climbed into the cot, and they all squirmed and twisted, but there was no way they could all fit. Carnikko said, “Alright, you two tittybabies. You keep the cot. I’ll sleep on the floor.”

  “Oh, no, ya won’t!” Don said, climbing off the cot. “Daddy will call me names and laugh at me if he finds you on the floor in the mornin'.” Then he pulled Lee’s hand and added, “Come on, Lee. If I have to sleep down here, you do too.”

  Once the boys were back on the floor, Carnikko sweetly said, “We can sing until we fall asleep.” She started with a song they’d learned in Vacation Bible School. “Jesus loves me this I know—”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The next morning, Carnikko woke up to the aroma of coffee. She looked down on the floor and saw her brothers were rubbing their eyes, then they sat up. Ellie was sitting at the table, her back to them, working a crossword puzzle and drinking coffee.

  Carnikko didn’t say a word and neither did Don and Lee, as if they feared she might turn around and poke their eyes out with her pencil. The room remained silent until Daddy came through the door carrying a white sack.

  “Mornin', kids!” he said with a smile. “Come see what Daddy got you. You ain’t never had nothin' that tastes this good.”

  Daddy pulled out several small white boxes and announced, “These are White Castle hamburgers. Best damn things ya ever ate. I call ꞌem sliders ꞌcause they’s so greasy ya don’t have to chew ꞌem. They just slide down yer throat.”

  He handed each child a hamburger, which they wolfed down in just a few bites.

  “Wow! Those were good, Daddy,” Don said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Can I have another one?”

  “Me too?” Lee and Carnikko asked eagerly.

  Teddy pulled out several more burgers and handed them to the children. Then he asked Ellie, “Aren’t you gonna eat one?”

  Without looking up, Ellie reached out and took a burger from Daddy’s hand.

  Just then, Carnikko heard a baby crying. She said, “Is that Emily? Can I go get her?”

  Ellie yelled, “No, you can’t! She stays in her crib. I’ll fix her a bottle and she’ll shut up.”

  As Ellie pushed herself up from the table, Carnikko stared at her enlarged belly and whispered to the boys, “She’s gonna have another baby.”

  Ellie handed the bottle to Carnikko and said, “Here, give this to Emily, but don’t pick her up.”

  Carnikko hurried into the bedroom, where the smell of pee was even stronger. There was also a pile of dirty diapers in a corner. She held her nose as she handed the bottle to Emily, who was holding the top rail of the crib and walking back and forth.

  “Hi, Emily. I’m yer sister,” Carnikko said softly as Emily took the bottle. “Ya sure smell like pee,” she added, feeling Emily’s diaper, which was soaked, and so was her undershirt.

  Carnikko walked back into the kitchen and said, “Daddy, Emily’s wet to the bone!”

  “Yeah, and she stays that way. I’ll change her,” Daddy said, giving Ellie a dirty look as he slammed his coffee cup onto the table. “Her lazy-ass mama sure ain’t gonna do nothin' about it.”

  Carnikko followed Daddy into the bedroom. Daddy changed Emily’s diaper, pulled a clean under shirt over her head, then handed her to Carnikko so he could strip the sheet off the crib.

  Carnikko held Emily, kissed her cheek, and said, “Daddy, why does Ellie hate us? We ain’t done nothin' to ꞌer.”

  “She don’t hate ya, Punkin. She’s just mad at me ꞌcause I got up at the crack of dawn, told her I was goin' to the store for cigarettes, didn’t come back home until after dark, and brought three kids with me. She’s pissed with the whole situation, ya might say, but she’ll get over it.”

  Once the sheet was changed, he set Emily back in her crib, stroked her blonde hair, and said, “Poor little baby. Nobody takes care of ya.” His voice was the saddest Carnikko had ever heard it.

  Daddy looked at Carnikko and said, “After we go to the laundromat and get all these pissy diapers washed, we’ll get ꞌer outta the crib so ya can play with ꞌer. The only time she gets outta that damn thing is when I come home from work.”

  “Why can’t she get out before you come home?”

  “Well, it’s like this—your step-mama is too damn lazy to tend to ꞌer. There’s a lotta things you ain’t gonna understand about her. She’s nothin' like yer mama.”

  Carnikko looked up at him and said, “Daddy, why don’t we take Emily and go back to Kentucky? We can get a place, and I’ll take care of ꞌer and I’ll keep the house clean too.”

  Daddy patted Carnikko’s head. “It ain’t that simple, Punkin. I can’t take the baby away from her mama and we’re gonna have another one in a few months. Babies need their mamas, ya know.”

  “But, Daddy, I can be her mama.”

  Daddy shook his head and said sadly, “You ain’t old enough to be a mama, Punkin. You need a mama yerself.”

  Carnikko replied seriously, “Daddy, I can do it. Why don’t we leave that no-good whore here and take the babies with us?”

  “Whore?” Daddy said in surprise. “Where’d ya hear that word?”

  “That’s what Mammaw called her, and Mama called her a harlot.”

  “Well, they might be right,” Daddy said, heaving a huge sigh, “but what’s done is done, Punkin. I can’t take the babies, and I can’t leave ꞌem behind either. I left my first bunch and it damn near ate my guts out.” He reached out and patted Carnikko’s head. “Why don’t ya let me worry about grownup things?”

  “Well, I’ve got it all figured out,” Carnikko sternly said.

  Daddy stroked Emily’s hair as she sucked on her bottle, then he patted her cheek, saying, “Daddy’ll be back to check on ya later, baby girl.”

  Daddy headed to the corner, picked up a large white bag that looked like one of grandpa’s burlap sacks, and stuffed the dirty diapers and other clothing into it. “Come on Punkin, we gotta get the piss smell outta here. You can go to the laundromat with me.”

  Back in the kitchen, Don and Lee were sitting on the cot, not saying a word. Ellie was still sitting at the table, drinking coffee, and working her crossword puzzles. As Daddy walked into the kitchen, he said, “Hey, boys, do ya wanna go to the laundromat with me and Carnikko?”

  Don and Lee jumped off the cot and hurried to Daddy’s side.

  “It’s only a couple blocks from here, and I’ll show ya where the corner grocery store is too. When ya find pop bottles and beer bottles that the morons around here throw all over the place, ya can take ꞌem to the store and sell ꞌem. Then ya’ll have some extra pennies.”

  While the clothes were washing, Daddy told the children they could go down to the grocery store on the corner and have a look around while he waited for the laundry to finish.

  It was a strange new world for them.

  On Monday morning the children awoke to find themselves alone with Ellie. They waited for her to tell them where they were supposed to go to school, but she didn’t mention it. In fact, they waited every morning for two weeks, but nothing was ever said about school. During that time, Ellie just shooed them out of the apartment soon after they were awake, locked the door, and they weren’t allowed back inside until they’d roamed the streets, looking for pop bottles and beer bottles. Pop bottles brought two cents apiece and beer bottles brought four cents. They sold the bottles at the grocery store and bought themselves a bologna sandwich. Some days they w
ere even lucky enough to be able to split a candy bar between them.

  Finally, Daddy took a day off from work and enrolled them in school. Carnikko dreaded having to tell the class her name. She was sitting at her desk when the teacher said, “Students, you have a new classmate.” She glanced down at a piece of paper. “I’m not sure how to pronounce her name—”

  Carnikko blurted out, “You can call me Nikko.” The children smiled.

  School was starting out alright. However, after a few days, one of the girls asked her why she wore the same dirty dress every day. Carnikko replied, “My daddy kidnapped me, and we didn’t have time to get any of my clothes, but I used to have pretty clothes—like this sweater.”

  Then she remembered Mama had taught her that it was a sin to lie—but Mama also said that God forgave sins. Well, God will just have to forgive me, she thought.

  During the first two weeks of November, snow fell every day. The temperature was in the teens and they could barely stand the cold. Carnikko had only the lightweight sweater she had taken from Sandra, Lee had a lightweight jacket, and Don had nothing but a long sleeve shirt. Daddy let Don wear his old navy pea coat, and Don was the only one who wasn’t half frozen by the time they reached the school building.

  Saturday mornings, Daddy wrapped the children in blankets while he took their clothes to the laundromat. Saturday nights, Daddy and Ellie went to the corner bar and didn’t come home until the wee hours of the morning. The children were in charge of Emily, so they let her out of the crib and let her toddle across the dirty floor. They had no games, coloring books, radio, or anything else for entertainment.

  After Emily went to sleep, they knelt on the cot, peered through the dirty window to look and point to the stars, telling each other what their vivid imaginations saw in the clusters. Each of them swore they saw Mama and Evan’s faces. When they grew sleepy, the boys made their pallet while Carnikko snuggled on the cot.

  The door would only lock and unlock from the inside, and the children were told not to lock it because Daddy and Ellie didn’t want to have to pound on the door and wake up neighbors when they came home.