Escape the Doubt

by Andrea Michelle

  Holy shit! Well, didn’t that sound familiar? Except Dean took what Emily offered and still didn’t choose her. At least, Josh had rejected me when I put the offer of my naked-drunk-self on his table.

  “Oh my God!” is all that comes out my mouth. I have no words. I have nothing. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t see that coming. She was his first? But wait he had told me…he said he was a virgin.

  “That doesn’t make sense, Em. He told me he was a virgin. He broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. He said I wasn’t meeting his needs, and that he couldn’t wait anymore, because he was ready and I wasn’t. But…you’re telling me he had already done it with you? He’s been lying to me for two years? I mean...he’s been lying to me for two years.” It’s no longer a question. He has! I’m sooooo stupid.

  “You are a virgin?” she asked like it surprised her.

  “Yes, that’s not the point here. What a bastard.”

  She sighs and wipes the tears that have been falling freely since she walked into my room. Weird, I can’t even bring myself to cry. I’m fucking pissed.

  “Em, if he has been lying to me about that. Who’s to say he hasn’t been screwing around the entire time we have been together?”

  And then I think, “Who was he with at that party with, when y’all all went bat shit crazy on me?” I ask her.

  She frowns and shrugs, “I didn’t see her. I don’t know.”

  “But he was with someone? And I don’t mean hanging out in the kitchen refilling their red solo cups. He was with someone?” I ask already knowing the answer.

  “Yes, Collin said he was upstairs. He didn’t say with who, and I never asked. I went outside to smoke, and when he came outside he was alone. There were several skanky girls there, Riley. It could have been any of them,” she tells me honestly.

  I nod and feel fury overtook me. The feeling to numb my pain is so strong. I want comfort. I want peace. I want to be in the arms of the one I love, but he doesn’t want me. He wants girls the way Dean wants girls. Girls apparently like Emily. Well, kinda like Emily. She wasn’t really a slut.

  I’m shocked at myself for being so stupid. I’m disappointed in myself. I’d pushed away the one guy that I knew I loved, still love, in fear that I didn’t deserve to be with him. Fear, because he held so much of my heart, to lose him would kill me. I’d convinced myself that Dean was safe, that our relationship was so innocent that being with him couldn’t hurt me, but here I am. Hurt. Broken. Feeling lost. Alone. All this loss could have been prevented had I just chosen correctly the first time.

  “Riley?”

  I have so much pent up energy at the moment. My blood is boiling. I want to scream, I want to cry, and I want to throw things. Instead, I pace my floor. “I just need some time, Em. This is a lot to take in. Ya know? I just didn’t realize the past two years was all a lie. None of it was real. I’m just so fucking angry right now. I wanted Josh. I still want, Josh. You were right. But then my dad died. My dad killed his mom and—shit! I just couldn’t…I couldn’t go there. And Dean, he never stopped pushing me, he was so sweet to me around that time. Josh had pulled away from me. I just figured he needed space from me. Dean slithered in at the perfect time. He knew just how to create those little doubts in my head. I attached myself to him. I don’t know why I did. He felt safe, and he wasn’t. It’s just not fair. I was supposed to be with Josh. I’m supposed to be with Josh. Everything that has happened…Oh God!”

  I felt the bile rising, burning my throat.

  “It’s not too late to fix this, Riley. Even if you hate me, it’s not too late. Josh is still Josh, and you are still you. I know he cares about you. Hell, he might even love you if you let him.” She says.

  Love? What the hell was that anyway? Love wasn’t real. Love broke hearts, betrayed trust, and left you alone in pieces.

  “Love isn’t real, Emily.” I say. Silly girl.

  She just looks at me like she doesn’t understand, or doesn’t agree. “Yes, it is Riley. Love can be beautiful. You’ve only been shone the ugly in it, but I’ve seen it, Riley. Love is beautiful, and you and Josh…you have a chance to let it be beautiful.”

  I wish that were true. I do, but I just don’t believe in it. Not anymore.

  I tell Emily about my drunken behavior with Josh, and how he left me in my bed—rejected me and told me he didn’t want me. She is shocked most that I did what I did, but she is disappointed to hear that Josh was choosing Preslee over me. She doesn’t believe it, but after everything else that has happened, her ‘half glass full’ speech from earlier is becoming more of a ‘half glass empty’ one.

  The tears come unbidden. I love Emily. Regardless of all of it, I love her. I couldn’t be completely alone. In my mind she is just as much a victim in this game as I am. She just chose to take her path a little earlier than me.

  I hug her like my life depends on it. “Thanks, Emily.”

  “You don’t hate me?” she asks my hair.

  I shake my head and sniffle. “No way. You’re my bitch. I need you.”

  She giggles and sniffles too. “You’re my bitch, too. Always.”

  “Always.”

  After Emily leaves, I decide that I need to quit avoiding the inevitable. I need to talk to Josh. I miss his voice, and I just want things to go back to the way they were. Even if I couldn’t have him the way my heart longed for him, I knew I needed to have him in my life anyway I could—even as only my friend. I pick up my phone and finally hit the call button, after my fingers hovered over his contact for minutes.

  After two rings the calming voice I was missing was not the voice I heard.

  “Hello” a female says. Not his sister’s voice. I didn’t speak at first.

  “Heeeeello” she says a little slower and more antagonistic. I knew she knew who I was if she answered his phone. My name was stored in his phone. That bitch!

  “Um, hi, is Josh there?” I ask, regret immediately washing over me. I should have never picked up my phone.

  “Yeah, he is. But he’s busy,” she says laughing. I can hear Josh in the background. “Fuck, Preslee! Give me the damn phone.”

  OH MY GOD! I’m sitting here in tears, my life in complete shambles, missing him, and he’s fucking with her. Who was I kidding to ever think I mattered to him the way he did to me?

  “It’s some girl, Joshie.” Her voice sounded muffled like she was speaking away from the phone. Some girl? Back the truck up. Some girl? I am his girl. Oh, that’s right. I’m not. Am I?

  “Hey, where are you going?” she says, sounding further in the distance. I hear him say with his voice in the phone, “You can be a real bitch, Preslee.” A door slams and then...quiet.

  “Riley, baby?” He sounds nervous, anxious even.

  My heart is in pieces. “Yeah, it’s me” I sound breathless.

  “God, I’ve been so worried about you. Are you okay?” Am I okay? I had no words. Really, his way of being worried about me sucked.

  “Riley, you there?”

  “Yeah, I’m still here. Look, I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry. I know you’re busy. I’ll let you go.” I have to let you go.

  “Dammit! I’m not busy, Riley. Please, don’t hang up.”

  “I um...I have to go, Josh. I just needed to hear your voice. But um, I don’t need to so much anymore. Tell Preslee I said hi.” I say with all the anger I am feeling.

  “FUCK!” he yells “Fucking hell. Please. Don’t hang up, Riley. Talk to me,” he begs

  I can’t stop the tears from falling. I try to choke back the sobs I feel coming but it is useless. I am crying in the phone, and I know he can hear me.

  “It’s not what you think. Baby? Please, talk to me!” he pleads again, and my heart breaks further.

  “I can’t. I have to go. Goodbye, Josh” I hang up and drop it like it burned me to hold it.

  Josh was going on with his life like nothing happened, and I was stuck. I was like a record spinning in circles stuck on the sa
me lyric—on repeat. HE IS MINE! He was supposed to be mine. The thought strangled me, but never stealing enough air to let me find peace.

  My phone immediately starts ringing. Josh calls over and over and over again, before I finally shut my phone off. It’s over. I can’t love him. He doesn’t love me. Love doesn’t exist in my world. It never has.

  CHAPTER 27

  Loneliness is a crippling son of a bitch. Ya know who else is a bitch? Preslee. I don’t know what game she is playing, but it’s costing me EVERYTHING!

  Riley no longer meets me at our tree for lunch. I go to the lake to walk, just hoping one of these times I will run into her at our spot. I don’t. My emotions keep filtering between angry, sad, confused, pissed off to now worried.

  That’s right, I am completely freaked out and worried about her.

  She looks like she is losing weight. She looks a mess, and my heart is tattered watching her be so broken.

  It’s like watching a train wreck happen, and I can’t stop it.

  Yesterday, I finally had enough. I was going to make her talk to me. I went to meet her in the hall during lunch break where I saw her standing with Emily. They had just come out of the bathroom.

  My stomach twisted into knots when I noticed she looked as pale as a ghost. I called her name, and when she looked at me, I was shocked by the expression she was wearing on her face. Emily shouted at me that ‘now was not a good time.’

  I ignored her and tried to make sure Riley was okay, but then Dean came out of nowhere and started rambling shit off to her that I couldn’t hear. Not that I physically couldn’t hear him, I just didn’t hear him. I was too focused on the emotion I saw on Riley’s face.

  She looked sick, scared, and sad. I didn’t understand it. Out of the bathroom across from us walked up Preslee, and in an instant fear prickled in my soul. “Ugh…is she like sick or something.” Preslee said. Emily responded with “Or something.”

  Riley began to struggle to breathe. She was making wheezing sounds, was hunched over like she couldn’t grab enough air. Within a minute, she passed out right there in the hall. I’ve never been so scared. Something was definitely wrong. Preslee freaking shrugged and walked off. Like I said, what a bitch.

  Nurse Carmichael took Riley away, and she didn’t come to school today. After school, I plan on going to her house and making sure she is okay.

  CHAPTER 28

  Shockwaves like a tsunami kept knocking me over, pushing me further back but never drowning me. Eventually, I would swallow enough, be without oxygen long enough that I would drown. Would no longer have a heartbeat, maybe then I would feel peace.

  I am laying on the couch in the living room on my mom’s lap. She is worried about me. What mother wouldn’t be when the school nurse calls to tell you that your daughter passed out at school?

  “Mom, do you think it’s possible to know someone your entire life and not really know them at all?” I ask her.

  “I’m not sure how to answer that, sweetie. Why don’t you tell me what happened yesterday, Riley?” she spoke softly playing with my hair.

  “Okay. Well, Dean and I broke up. Not yesterday but we broke up.”

  “I see, that explains some things.” She says.

  “Well, I decided to take your advice. I told Josh how I felt about him. He um…he told me he felt the same way, but he lied to me. He has a girlfriend, or well...another girl, at least. He told me otherwise, but it wasn’t true.”

  “Oh, Riley. I’m sorry, baby girl.” She consoles me sympathetically.

  “That’s not the worst part, Mom.” I can’t get Preslee’s words out of my head.

  When Emily and I walked to the bathroom during lunch break, we came to a silent dead stop as Preslee and Laiken were in one of the stalls talking to each other.

  “What are you going to do Preslee? I can’t believe this is happening to you.” Laiken said.

  “I know right. Like I don’t know really, but I feel like so much better about it after I talked to Josh.” Preslee told Laiken.

  “But a baby, Preslee? You’re only seventeen. Your Dad is going to lose his shit.”

  I didn’t hear the rest. I literally grabbed Emily’s hand like a lifeline and stumbled out of the bathroom. A baby? She talked to Josh? All I heard was she was going to have a baby with Josh. A baby.

  “What’s the worst part, Riley?” My mom asks breaking into my reverie.

  “He’s gonna have a baby. With her.” I say quietly as tears well up in my eyes and trickle down my cheek. I’ve lost Josh.

  “Oh, God. Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry.” What else could she say? It’s like déjà vu for her, except I’m not the one pregnant.

  Rain is pitter patting against my window, and the rumble of thunder and a strike of lightening make me jump. Eventually, the trickle of rain and the sound on the roof lulls me to sleep. I doze off on the couch and the best dream turned into the worst nightmare in a matter of deep breaths.

  Josh and I were baking brownies in my kitchen, and he told me he loved me, only me. There was no Dean, no Preslee. We were in this bubble of just us. He said he was going to stay with me after graduation. We got married in this beautiful church surrounded by our families. My dad was still alive, and he and my mom were holding hands with smiles on their faces, completely in bliss. Josh’s parents were together too and very much in love. Tatum, Joey and Emily were my bridesmaids. Brandt, Collin and Beau were Josh’s groomsman. It was perfect until it wasn’t. When the wedding was over, we walked outside where various colors of rose pedals were thrown at us. Symbolic. The sky turned black and dark, thundered rolled, and it frightened me. I looked down at all the rose pedals—no longer full of color—they were all now black. They swirled in the wind as the scene changed, and we were at the reception. Josh and I were dancing slowly and ever so sweetly, but he was distracted. His eyes weren’t on mine. His eyes were across the room, and when I tracked his line of sight...I saw her—Preslee—at our wedding. I guided his face back to mine where I kissed him, and he embraced me. Then fear shook me, he vanished with my arms suspended in mid-air, my lips puckered to a ghost. I searched frantically, looking left and right. Everyone laughed at me sinfully. I couldn’t find him. My dad walked to me, his arms around some woman I didn’t recognize. His voice when he spoke to me was full of resentment toward me, “It will never work, Riley. Some choices are mistakes. You were my mistake. Because of you, I spent years with the wrong person,” he said full of hatred and bitterness. My mom was at a nearby table crying with Tatum. I still couldn’t find Josh. I ran from the church as fast as I could, until I was back in my room at home. It was there when I saw him through my window, through his window, naked and having sex with Preslee. I screamed, and he looked at me smirking wickedly, before taking her again. I watched with horror as they moved together, the erotic sounds of pleasure filling my ears painfully. He wasn’t looking at me anymore, but his voice was right there whispering in my ear as though he were standing right next to me. I got a chill as I felt his breath, but he wasn’t by me, he was by her, he was on her, he was inside her. “There is no one better for me than you,” he said. I remembered hearing that before, but I couldn’t figure out from where. I turned my eyes away from what I was witnessing and slowly toward the voice, and there he was standing beautifully in his tux. He placed his hand to cup my cheek, and I leaned into his touch. He lowered down to kiss my lips. He was a breath apart from my mouth, but he didn’t touch me. No, he just laughed and guided my head back to the window and pointed, “Except for her,” he said. And then he was gone, just as a bolt of lightning struck the ground, and I jolted awake.

  It takes me minutes to catch my breath, to calm myself. I can’t help but sob, my body shaking in fear. My insecurities and my doubts are contaminating all of my thoughts, now even my dreams.

  After school, Emily stops by. We are sitting in my room eating sweets (starbursts, skittles and chewy sweet tarts). A good sugar rush might make me feel better. She gives me all the pink an
d red starbursts because they are my favorite. However, I give her all the red skittles because those are her favorite, and I hate those.

  I have Stone Sour playing Through Glass on my iHome. It means something to me. I feel each word all the way down to my soul.

  I tell Emily all about my dream, and she hugs me sympathetically. “It’s going to be okay, Riley. I promise.” Promises can’t be kept though can they? They always get broken somehow.

  “Please, just tell her I want to talk to her.” I hear Josh’s voice loud and clear from the front of the house.

  “Not now, Josh. Look, she isn’t feeling well today, and Emily is over right now.” My mom explains to him.

  “At least, tell me she is okay? I’m worried about her.” He says, and my heart splinters further.

  “She will be, Josh. Just let it go for now. Okay? I will tell her you stopped by.” She tells him, shutting the door.

  Emily and I stare at each other the entire time. Screw sugar, screw music. I don’t know what I need, but I’m tired of crying. I don’t need this.

  My sister walks into my room sheepishly and concerned. “Hey, Ri. Can I come in?”

  I shrug, and Emily tells me she is going to the bathroom. Tatum sits down and goes to steal my pink starburst. I swat her hand away and give her an orange one. “What’s up, Tator Tot?” I ask her teasingly. Of course, she frowns and sticks out her tongue. It makes me laugh which is a welcomed feeling.

  “I just wanted to say that, I think you should talk to Josh. You should see him, Riley. He is all-kinds-of-pouty. Josh pouty is kind of cute by the way, but that’s beside the point.” She says with wide, pretty, blue eyes like our daddy’s.

  I immediately think that, of course, Josh is pouty, but I don’t believe it has anything to do with me. I grab my sister’s hand, tilt my head and smile. “Look, I know you want me and Josh together, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen.” I clear my throat, “It was a stupid thing for me to do anyway, and I shouldn’t have let it happen.” I say.