I don’t know what to believe. “If you didn’t get her pregnant, then who did?” I ask just as the doorbell to my house rings.
“Hold that thought.” I say, and walk to the living room with Josh trailing behind me.
When I open the door I am floored yet again today. What the hell? Dean is standing there with his hands in his pockets. Why is he here?
“Dean, why are you here?” I ask what my mind is wondering.
His eyes aren’t looking at me. They are looking over my shoulder. His jaw tightens, and his eyes narrow before meeting mine and softening.
“I came to talk to you. Ya know, as a friend.” He says as Josh coughs bullshit.
I glance over my shoulder with a warning look. When I look back at Dean, I swear his chocolate eyes have darkened to almost black. His hands are balled into fists by his side, and his stance is that of a predator about to strike its prey.
“I’m good, Dean. Besides, now is not a good time.” I say hoping he will leave, but I’m suddenly pushed aside by Josh further opening the door and gesturing for Dean to come inside.
“Nah, Riley. We need to air out some shit. Let him in. Maybe now you will understand who the lying player here really is.” Josh tells me.
CHAPTER 31
Saved by the bell. When Dean shows up at Riley’s, it’s like fate is telling me to bury him and save myself. Let’s just hope Riley can forgive me for hiding the truth from her.
Riley looks at me confused, and a little irritated as I invite Dean into her house. I can see the battle behind her eyes before she relents. “Okay?” She says, stepping aside for Dean to enter. “Come in. I guess.”
Dean steps inside and shifts uncomfortably. “Alright, Parker. Let’s air shit out as you said,” he says a little too confident.
I grab Riley’s hand and rub my thumb across her knuckles. She looks down at it but doesn’t pull away or flinch. If anything I think she relaxes a little.
I swallow and try to find the right words figuring I have one shot at this. “Dean, I’ve been thinking about some stuff…thinking that I’ve sat in the background watching for far too long. If I want something, I’m gonna have to fight for it, and I want Riley.”
Dean’s eyes narrow and Riley gasps, “Is that so?” he says with smugness.
I nod and pull her hand to my lips kissing her knuckles. Her eyes widen, and she inhales a deep breath before puffing it out. I turn my eyes away from her and back to Dean. “It’s so, but here is where I face a roadblock. See, you have spent the past two years filling her head with so many doubts and insecurities, that now she can’t see when someone is telling her the truth.”
“I’m not following you, Parker. How exactly have I done such a thing?” he asks clearly thinking he is in the clear here.
“Let’s start with the fact that you are not a virgin, dude. You and I both know that you have been fucking girls that aren’t Riley well before y’all broke up and leading her to think that she should feel guilty for waiting.” I tell him, and in an instant, I realize my mistake.
Riley pulls her hand away, and I feel her heated gaze on my face. “What do you mean, you both know?” she asks with a shaky voice.
Dean has the nerve to laugh, and she shoves him in the chest. “You think this is funny, Dean? I knew you lied. Emily told me about you and her, but Josh makes it sound in the plural tense. Dean? Is it true? Have you been cheating on me the entire time we were together?” she asks him, and he actually shrugs like it’s no big deal.
Emily? What is she talking about?
“And you knew?” she turns those blue/green eyes on me. I see a thousand questions there.
“I knew he wasn’t who you thought he was, and that when you weren’t around he acted like he was single. But I didn’t know for a fact that he took it beyond that until that night at—,”
“At the party right?” she cuts me off, and I nod.
“With who?” she asks, her voice soft but then she looks at Dean and shouts, “Who the fuck was she?”
Dean just stares, offering her nothing—no peace, no denial and no answers.
I give her what she needs. “He fucked Preslee that night, Riley. He’s been fucking Preslee for a while now. I’m not the one she’s been with. He is. He’s who—,” I trail off. She knows.
She covers her mouth and looks like she is going to vomit soon. Dean looks concerned yet confused by my declaration. She still never told him? More and more I’m thinking Preslee has been lying this whole time but why?
“Oh, God. I…uh…I have to go.” She says looking back and forth between us before running out the open front door.
I quickly debate kicking his ass or chasing after her—I choose the latter. He isn’t worth any of my time, whereas she is everything to me
CHAPTER 32
Out of breath, out of mind, out of control—I just need to escape it. All of it. The doubts, the fear and the loss of everything I want. It was in my hands, and I let it slip through my fingers because I couldn’t see past the shit in my head.
Tears are streaming down my face. In protecting my heart from Josh, I let Dean have a little piece, and he burned it to a crisp. Josh knew, and held a hidden piece of crucial information from me, and I feel betrayed. They both broke my heart, broke my trust.
I take off running as fast as I can. Who cares that I have no idea where I am going, or that I might die of a heat stroke in the process? Or that I’m barely dressed and barefoot.
I can hear them calling my name and then yelling at each other, and even that fades the further away I run. I shut out the noise.
Life is full of many moments that make up time and memories. Some moments are small and easily forgotten. Other moments are monumental and life changing, making forgetting them impossible. Then they’re those moments that almost happen and become nonexistent, blowing away in the wind.
The second I chose friendship over love years ago, a special moment became lost in the wind. An almost moment, that was stolen from us, yet not really stolen at all, because I never allowed it to happen in the first place. I stole it from myself. I betrayed my own heart, time and time again.
All these years, it should have been Josh, but it was Dean instead. My heart isn’t safe anywhere. I run away from my house, leaving something behind, something we wouldn’t get back. I’ve blamed Josh and pushed him away. There is no way he will forgive me now.
Running is pure agony. My mind is racing with a thousand thoughts, a million more questions at the same speed my feet step on the pavement. Left. Right. Breathe in. Breathe out. Dean cheated. Josh knew. I hate him. I love him. FUCK!
I can’t slow my cogs enough to gather my own thoughts. The blood is roaring in my ears. Images that were probably not that of reality are filling my mind. Dean having sex, various faces flickering in and out as he betrays me—Josh choosing one friend over the other—not choosing me, just like I hadn’t chose him.
It’s pouring down rain, in a matter of seconds. I still don’t stop. I take the sting and let it hurt me. I deserve it.
I don’t hear it—don’t even hear him yelling my name. Everything happens so fast yet in complete slow motion. It wasn’t until I am yanked into mid-air and falling to the pavement behind me on a hard thud that I stop. My breath is knocked from my lungs.
“Jesus Christ, Riley. Are you okay?” Josh asks concerned and eyeing me all over the place. I don’t understand why.
“What?” I choke, as I try to get the air back into my lungs.
“I didn’t even see her. She just ran out in the road. Is she okay? I almost hit her.” A voice muffled says stepping toward me lying back on the pavement struggling to still gather air.
“She’s okay. I think. I grabbed her before she...Riley, baby? Can you sit up?” Josh asks me.
It’s only now that I see I’m at the edge of the road, with a car parked to the side. A young woman is kneeling down in front of me, getting wet from the rain. She almost hit me? How? I’m on the sidewalk.
<
br /> I sit up and shake my head, “I’m okay. What happened?” I whisper.
Josh pulls me into his lap, squeezing me tightly. “Holy shit, Riley. I was screaming your name, and you just kept running. You ran right into the road in front of her. I’m sorry, I yanked you back and down so hard, but she almost hit you. You didn’t hear the horn honking?” He is still looking me over, searching for wounds. My wounds can’t be seen with his eyes.
I shake my head and feel my body shaking. I hadn’t heard it. I hadn’t heard him. It was all muffled jumbled noise inside my head. I wasn’t paying attention. All I’d felt was the welcomed sting of raindrops and the blood roaring behind my ears.
I rest my head into the crook of his neck, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I mutter as tears fall from my cheeks.
He cradles my head, and runs his fingers through my hair calming me. “I’m the one that is sorry, Riley. Shhhh...I’ve got you.”
The lady gets back in her car and drives away leaving us sitting on the sidewalk in a heap of misery and regret.
I am lost in the scent of Josh as his arms envelope me. He feels like home to me. My world feels flipped upside down, but I have him here with me. I don’t know why he kept the truth from me, but I know I can’t lose him. I just can’t. I love him—desperately love him.
I hear the roar of Dean’s motorcycle pull to the side, “Is she okay?” he speaks loudly to Josh.
“She’s good, man. Just go. Okay? You need to have a talk with Preslee and tell her to leave me out of it from now on.” Josh tells Dean.
I don’t look up at him. I keep my head buried where it is, my tiny hand gripping his shirt.
“Oookay will do. Listen, Riley. I am sorry, and I meant what I said about us being friends. Maybe one day?” he says wistfully but I don’t reply, and he rides away without closure.
The rain is cold, and I’m shivering. I’m holding onto Josh like he is what will keep me breathing. In this moment, I think he is. I think my sanity depends on him. Without him, I don’t know who I am.
I finally feel my breathing become normal, and everything slows and settles. Josh brushes the wet hair clinging to my skin out of my face. “God, you’re so beautiful. Please, don’t do that again,” he says.
“Do what?” I ask him.
“Run from me.”
I look down, “I won’t, and I’m done running, Josh. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” I say ashamed.
“I should have told you, Riley. I’m sorry I didn’t. Fuck! I should have done so many things differently.” He tells me with one hand gripping me around the waist as his other hand holds my face. “I’ve missed you so much.”
My tears begin to fall because I understand. I should have done so many things different. God, I could have prevented all of this if I had just saw the beauty behind the ugly and just let it be, like my mom had said. I didn’t understand what she meant, at the time, but I think I do now. Sometimes, the beauty of what can be is hidden underneath a bad situation or an ugly emotion like doubt.
“I’ve missed you, too.” I say, gripping his shirt in my hands.
I lock eyes with the hazel ones I love. His hair is drenched and sexy. This moment is familiar. Feelings of déjà vu of the night by my window where I wanted him to kiss me, where he admitted to wanting to kiss me, urge me to not let this moment slip through my fingers, return to my mind.
I’m so close to the edge of the cliff that I know one more breath, one more inch, I could fall. For the first time ever, I escape the fear and believe that Josh will catch me.
I take a deep breath, and like the floodgates have been opened, the words rush from my heart. “I’ve spent the past two years fearing the worst and believing that I chose safe arms to hold me, when his arms weren’t the arms I longed to be in, nor were they really safe. I thought it’s what I deserved. I thought I couldn’t belong in the arms I wanted to really hold me.” I confess.
His eyes glass over and he swallows, “Whose arms did you want to hold you, Riley?” He knew the answer, he always knew.
My eyes are cast down full of shame that I let myself doubt where I belonged for so long. “It wasn’t a want Josh. It was a need…an ache so deep I couldn’t escape it. I tried so hard to fight it, but it consumes me.”
My eyes slowly meet his, and he asks me again, his own voice cracking from the emotions. I notice a tear fall down his cheek, and I have an urge to kiss it away. “Whose arms, Riley?”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat and fall from the edge of the cliff. “Yours. I belong in your arms, unless it’s too late. Tell me it’s not too late. Please?” I beg. My tears trickle down my cheeks mixing with the rain falling on my skin.
He looks down and in that moment I feared it was. Too late. In my attempt to escape ever being heartbroken again, it was me that did the most damage to the organ.
The rain continues to pour, the sky is just as sad as I am.
I need him to understand, to hear me. It can’t be too late. He isn’t saying anything. He just looks down and is breathing heavy.
“Josh, it can’t be too late. I know I did it all wrong. I know I pushed you away, and I believed the fears in my head instead of you, but that never made my feelings for you change. Even when we were kids and you shared your pudding cup with me, or how you made me play hot wheels when I wanted to play Barbie’s…I still wanted you, and the way you would play your little guitar for me, and I would make up words to our music...I still think about those things. I knew, even then, that there was nothing I would never do for you or with you. I loved you even then. It’s changed, shifted into different kinds of love, but it’s always been you. You are my first best friend, my first crush, my first kiss, my first dance partner and my first love. Josh, please don’t be my first heartbreak. I want you to be my first everything. Please, don’t let it be too late. Please? Let me love you, because I don’t think I can stop even if you tell me to. I’m sorry. I’m sooo sorry I doubted you.” I confess through sobs, and my body is trembling, but now it’s all out there.
I’m about to hit the bottom, and I’m scared he isn’t going to catch me. I’m scared he is going to let me hit the bottom and there will be nothing left of me without him. When he takes a few deep breaths and still doesn’t meet my eyes or speak, I panic. I feel lost, and I hate myself. I hate myself for not allowing just a sliver of happiness to be mine. With a huge sense of regret and a heavy heart, I pull myself up to stand and begin to walk away. I make it two steps before Josh seizes me by my elbow. I stop, but I can’t turn around to face him. I’m splintering right here. I slowly turn around, but I keep my head down. I can’t look at him. It hurts too much.
He squats down to look into my face. He cups my chin and guides me to look up at him. I do, but I keep my eyes shut.
“Riley, look at me.” He says in a soft gentle voice.
My eyes slowly meet his and tears are streaming down his cheeks. His bottom lip is quivering. It might be raindrops falling down his face and not actual tears, although his eyes are glassy. I’ve never seen him this way. It breaks me, melts me. He is looking down at me with such intensity that I’m not sure what he is about to say.
“I’m yours, Riley. I don’t think a time in my life existed that I haven’t belonged to you. I knew even when we were kids that you were going to be special to me. I’ve always been yours. It’s never too late. I’ve been waiting for you, baby.” He breathes the words to me, “I love you, Riley Shaw.” He is grinning now, and he wipes away my tears as they mix with the rain.
I hug him tightly. I’m aware we are on the sidewalk, and the world can see, but I don’t care. I love him. He loves me. There is no doubt. No fear. I feel the relief ripple away, leaving in its place a renewed sense of hope.
He pulls away from me, “Say you want me to kiss you. Say I’m not crazy, that you think of me, that you feel this. Say that when I touch you that you want more, that you want it all. Say it, Riley. I need to hear it. Say this is real. That you are real.” H
e demands and pleads and then pulls me back tight to him like if he lets go I might vanish or change my mind. I won’t.
I back away, and my eyes are locked with his as my hands hold his cheeks. The sound of rain is diminished by the sound of my breathing and my dancing heartbeat. “All the time, Josh! I want your mouth on mine, all the time. I can’t stop thinking about you ever. I try, but you are always there. The smallest touch has me coming undone, has me in need of more. I want it. You’re not crazy, and I want you. It’s real. I want it all…with you, only you.”
I press my lips to his, tasting the mix of salty tears, raindrops and everything that is Josh. His arms snake around my back and pull my body closer to him as though he needs to be closer. I can’t get close enough. Our breathing is fast and years of yearning is being unleashed right here on this sidewalk. He pulls me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist never breaking contact.
When we are out of breath and someone honking distracts us, he pulls away. “Come with me,” he says pulling our mouths apart as I whimper in protest.
“Okay.” There is no longer a question. I will go anywhere with him.
CHAPTER 33
Nervous energy is running through my system. The way Riley feels in my arms, the way she looks drenched in the rain, the taste of her lips, the whimper she makes when she doesn’t want me to stop and the words that come from her mouth. I can’t wait to be alone with her.
“Where are we going?” she asks as I carry her back to her house.
“First, we are going to get you out of these wet clothes.” I feel her tense, and I realize that didn’t sound right. I laugh. “And into dry ones, Riley.”
She visibly relaxes in my arms. “Okay. Then what?” she asks clearing her throat.
I chance a quick look at her face. She is nibbling on that bottom lip, and something tells me she is thinking about us without clothes.
“I have a surprise for you, but I can’t tell you about it. I have to show it to you.” I tell her, making her smile. I love when she smiles. I missed it badly.
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