When we get to her house, her mom is getting out of the car with grocery bags. I put Riley down and help her carry the bags in. She looks between Riley and me in our drenched clothes with a puzzled expression. “Do I even want to know why you both look like wet dogs?” she asks clearly amused.
Riley answers, “No. But I was wrong about what I said, Mom. It was a misunderstanding. I will fill you in later if that’s okay? Josh wants to show me something.”
Oh no. She actually told her mom about me—and everything. Well, that explains why she wouldn’t let me come around.
We get in the house and her mom gives me a once over, and then looks at Riley with a soft smile, “It’s like I told you before, baby girl. Sometimes, the truth is hard to believe because the lies before overshadow them. Find the beauty behind the ugly, Riley and just let it be its own kind of beautiful.” She squeezes her hand and shoos us away.
I tell Riley to change and to meet me outside in twenty minutes. Thankfully, the rain has stopped. The sky has become the prettiest shades of pink and orange, like it’s completely happy, the tears were shed, and now all is right in the world.
Let it be beautiful…that’s what her mom said. I think we can do that.
CHAPTER 34
Josh looks like a little kid on Christmas, overly excited and fidgety. I don’t know where we are going, but his happiness in showing me his surprise makes me share in his mood. It’s contagious.
Within minutes, that happiness becomes nervous energy. I see the trepidation in his eyes when he glances at me—the way his back straightens and his grip tightens on the steering wheel. It makes me question his nervousness. However, before I do, I realize why, when I see where he has taken me.
“Why are we here, Josh?” I ask him as he parks the car in the cemetery where his mom and my dad have both been buried. This place does not give me serenity. It gives me the creeps and reminds me of what happened three years ago when everything in our lives changed.
He shifts in his seat and takes my hands into his. I can’t look at him. My eyes are on the graveyard filled with death. The rain earlier and the temperature outside have caused a dewy fog to rise from the ground. It is…unnerving, makes me shiver and causes the hairs on my neck to rise.
He sighs heavily watching my reaction. “Riley, it’s okay. Listen, I know this is not where you want to be, and trust me, this is not my surprise. That comes after here. I brought you here because I want you to see that this is okay.” I finally meet his eyes.
“Okay?”
“I brought you here actually for two reasons. One, because I want you to see that I can be here holding your hand, seeing our future, and there isn’t a question in my mind that it’s where I belong. I know you blame yourself—as twisted as that is—for what your dad did that night. But it was a mistake, Riley. It was a bad decision that spiraled out of control. My mom was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and she died in the accident. I was angry with your dad for a while just as you were. I was even angry with your mom after you explained to me what happened. But, Riley...NEVER, was I angry with you. I never saw it that way.”
I blew out the breath I was holding. “Josh, when you look at me every day for the rest of your life you’re going to remember my dad killed your mom, and one day, Josh—”
He interrupts me before I can even finish. “I’m stopping you there, because you are already wrong, Riley. Every day for the rest of my life—if I’m lucky enough to keep you that long—I will not see that accident. I will see a beautiful girl who is lost in a sea of uncertainty but wants so badly to dive in, but thinks she can’t. But you can, and I will hold your hand when you do. I will see my best friend and the girl that I am desperately in love with. I will see you, Riley. Just you.”
I swallow down my impulse to argue him and nod. He is so adorably sweet.
“The second reason I brought you is a little harder to explain. See the night of Collin’s party, the night everything became…obvious. I had two choices, well, three if you consider telling you the truth about your asshole ex-boyfriend. But two were what I focused on. The one I settled on was coming here to talk to my mom. It was one of many times that I just needed her to explain to me how the female mind ticks and if I was doing any of this right, because I just felt that I wasn’t.”
He squeezes my hand and looks out the front windshield to the earth that holds our past. When he turns his eyes back to me, I feel the tears brim in my eyes. I don’t want to cry but some wounds just don’t heal. Some scab over and just one little thing can open the wound as the pain bleeds out unbidden.
I blink my eyes a few times, holding the tears at bay. “Did she help you?” I ask not quiet understanding if it’s possible. Every time I talked to my dad, I never felt better.
He nods, “She loved you, Riley. Before the accident, when everything was just normal, she used to tell me all the time that the cute little brunette next door would be her daughter-in-law one day.” He laughs like the memory is right there for him to grab. “I thought she was crazy. Hell, we were fourteen but when I look at it now. The me that I am now, knows that, without a doubt, my mom was a smart woman, and she knew what she was talking about.” He smiles at the memory.
I can’t help but smile back. I knew she loved me. His mom was the nicest woman I had ever met. She meant a lot to me, and I know without doubt as well that she would have been an amazing mother-in-law. “That was sweet of her.” I say softly as a tear escapes. I wipe it away and sniffle.
Josh frowns, “I don’t want you to cry, Riley. It kills me inside when I see the pain you carry behind your beautiful eyes. A lot of things have happened that have kept us apart…decisions of others, mistakes made, our own fears, lack of trust. We don’t have to be a cliffhanger novel, Riley. We don’t have to wait for the rest to happen to us or for it not to. We can have the happily ever after…write our own story. I want all of it with you, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the tears and the smiles. All of it. I want to hold you when you’re scared and make sure you know it will be okay and that I’m here with you. And I know it’s not going to be perfect. I know there will be times you are going to try and push me away again. But know this Riley, I’m done letting you. I need you. You need me. I’m giving you all I have to give, and I hope you take it.” His voice is full of emotion and desire.
“God, I love you.” I confess.
“Say it again,” he whispers.
I crawl onto his lap accidentally honking the horn in the process. He laughs. I don’t. I’m wound too tight. “I love you.”
I tangle my hand in his hair. I love his hair. The dirty blond mess of unruliness is hot. His hazel eyes sparkle with his own love for me. I love him. I love him so much it hurts sometimes.
I kiss his forehead, “I love how you get me like no one else, how kind and caring you are.”
I noozle his nose and kiss each of his eyes. “I love your eyes, the color, the way you look at me and how it makes me feel.”
I nuzzle into his neck and inhale before placing a kiss there too. “I love the way you smell, how it comforts me, gives me peace and how it also ignites me and makes my heart race.
I place my palm on his heart and smile. “I love this most of all, because it’s mine now, and it’s special to me. I promise to not push you away. I can’t promise it will always be rainbows and sunshine because that’s not reality, but I will take this piece and cherish it, and I hope you do the same with my own.”
I touch his lips softly and lean down placing a feather light kiss to his mouth. “I love this mouth, too. The things it says, the way it touches me. How it’s perfectly soft when I need it to be, and how it’s more when I need more. The taste is addicting too, by the way.” I smile crookedly at him.
I interlace my fingers in his hand and kiss his knuckles. “And I love these hands. How they touch me just the way I need them to, how they hold me and hug me and keep me safe.” I lean into his ear to whisper the rest. “How they never push m
e for more until I’m ready. And Josh?” I lick his ear and he groans.
“Hmm?” he says groaning. That sound he does in his throat that makes me hot.
“When the time comes, I’ll be ready with you…only with you, my first and my last will only be with you.”
When I pull back to look at him, his eyes are dark and clouded with lust. The wind howls outside, and I pretend it’s our parents giving us they’re blessing, although I’m sure the ‘I’m ready’ part is being frowned upon.
Josh pulls me in for a kiss. When we are done, we are both out of breath. I climb off of him and sigh, because it’s getting harder and harder to not fulfill these needs by going further. I want too. It’s still too soon, though.
“We should go. I have a surprise for you, remember?” he says grinning at me and shifting in his seat, which makes me grin.
“Right, the surprise. So, are you going to tell me where we are going now?” I say with the biggest smile on my face.
He grins and taps my nose. “Nah, if I told you then it wouldn’t be a surprise now would it?”
I shake my head and continue smiling. It’s a weird feeling being happy and content.
When we pull up to the theatre at the mall next to a cheesecake bistro, I’m puzzled. Getting food or watching a movie? Not what I was expecting but okay.
“Josh?”
He smiles sheepishly, “Well, I decided on the fly that you owe me a scary movie, and I owe you a brownie. Um, is cheesecake okay, though?” He tilts his head and lifts one of his shoulders with a crooked grin gracing his face. It’s so cute and I literally swoon at how adorable he looks right now and also how completely sweet he is.
I smile, lean over the console and kiss his cheek. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”
Scary movie…bring it on.
Embracing this new journey with Josh is scary enough, but I have his hand to hold while doing it. I’m not sure what the future holds, and I’m okay with that for the first time ever. I am letting go of my doubts, because I have him—my soul mate, my best friend, the one and only true love of my life. I am ready for this new adventure as long as it is with him.
To be continued...
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SURPRISE!
Bonus Chapter in DEAN’S POV
Don’t talk, don’t kiss me, and don’t tell anyone we did this—those were the rules for them. The rules for me weren’t as simple. Pretend the chick below me is someone else entirely. Forget the guilt because it’s just sex—sex with the wrong girl. Don’t feel too much, because it isn’t real, and she (whoever she may be) isn’t Riley.
“Riley, c’mon we have been together two years. What are you waiting for?” I ask her for the trillionth time it seems. She stops us from going further...again! I’m so frustrated. We’ve been doing this same song and dance for months—for me...years. I just want to be inside her, to possess her, to claim her finally. So, she will see me, feel me—say my name.
She pushes on my bare chest, and I roll off her, loving and hating that she is breathing fast and that her body is trembling. In my mind, she is panting because she is turned on, and she is trembling because my touch is fucking making her shiver. But then, she opens her damn mouth and everything I want crashes and burns. “I’m just not ready. You promised to not push me, Dean, and yet, every time we make out, we end up in this same position.”
She is exasperated, I can hear it in her tone, but my head doesn’t care. I’m stuck on Riley and me in various positions. Jesus, she would be like heaven if she would just let me try it. Missionary maybe? No, her on top—definitely her on top—riding me while I palm her breasts, or maybe, her bent over the bed with me behind her? But that would be more like fucking—more like what I do with Preslee. I don’t want to fuck Riley. That’s a lie, I so badly want to fuck her, but I want to love her too...
Nice. Slow. Sweet.
Until she begs me to be...
Rougher. Dirtier. Faster.
Damn.
I start kissing her neck, and nibbling on her ear. She always gets hot and bothered when I do this—I think it’s her spot. Then she usually shivers and my shirt comes off, and we kiss like she is finally tasting me and not dreaming of other lips on hers. “I could think of some other positions we could try.” Let me convince you baby, please. She isn’t convinced. She never is.
She sits up completely pissed off and it’s sexier than hell. “Dammit, Dean. Back off. I’m not ready. Stop pushing me.”
This time I listen. Sexy or not, I’m over this shit. She is pissing me off. I’m not fucking stupid. I know she isn’t opening her legs for me because she wants to open them for Josh. All the more reasons why I don’t let the guilt of lying to her affect me, not entirely. She is lying to herself if she thinks being with me this long isn’t lying to me—or herself. She has no intention of ever letting me in. Does she? Her eyes always drift to that fucking window. He isn’t going to come save you. He isn’t your knight in shining armor. He’s just a punk who let you go when you needed him the most. I was there for you. I was fucking there for you.
I growl as I put my shirt back on, feeling all the rage inside of me build. I stare at her curled up on her bed, she just looks at me like some peculiar puzzle she can’t figure out. The feeling is mutual. However, my puzzle is put together. I’ve mapped it out—the way she feels. I just hate it and want to mix it back up, to where her and I are the missing pieces connected. We’re never those connected pieces. Ugh...Fuck it!
“How about I do us both a favor and back off completely, Riley?” I ask her. She doesn’t want to be alone. She hates being alone. That is when the darkness seeps in, and she remembers things she doesn’t like to remember. Say no. Say you want me, that you need me like I need you.
She doesn’t. She shrugs, like she doesn’t care one way or the other. She throws her hands in the air and says, “Whatever.” Whatever? What the fuck ever? That is what she has to say?
Fine...I’m done.
Not just yet...
“I’m serious, Riley. I’m tired of going in this circle with you. You’re hot then you’re cold. You kiss me like you can’t get enough, grab at my shirt like you can’t wait to be undressed, and then you just pour the ice on it. I’m a guy, Riley. I have needs and you…well, you aren’t meeting them.” Damn it, my dick twitches just thinking about touching her.
She pulls her feet under her and is sitting up with narrowed eyes on me, focused on me, determination set in those gorgeous eyes. “So...what you’re saying is, you are breaking up with me for good if I don’t have sex with you?” She makes it sound so cold. I’m breaking up with her because she is in love with someone else, and she won’t admit it. I’m breaking up with her because she never smiles for me. She’s mechanical and forced—-and because it breaks my heart that she doesn’t know how much I wish it were me she was truly with. I’m breaking up with her because it hurts too much.
I shrug and tell her the truth (well most of it), “Not to sound like a dick or anything, but yeah, pretty much. Riley. We’ve been friends our entire life. I’ve been a patient guy for two years, but you just don’t seem to know what you want.” She knows—she just doesn’t say it. She tells me she cares for me. She doesn’t care for me. I’m just her distraction. I keep her mind off of him—off of the life she saw for herself and lost. I’m nothing to her.
Her mouth falls open, evidently shocked. Oh well. She says, “I know what I want. I want you to stop pushing me to do something I keep telling you I’m not ready for. If you cared about me at all, you would understand my feelings, and stop making me feel guilty.” If I cared about her? I fucking love her, I’d do anything for her, go anywhere with her. I’m not trying to make her feel anything but something other than numb with me. Just stop feeling nothing and feel something—for me.
I sit on her bed, and place my hands on top of her legs—smooth skin beneath my palms. I just want to glide my hands up her thighs and
in between them. Focus, Dean...focus. “I do care about you, Riley. I’m not trying to make you feel anything, but I am ready. I have been ready for a very long time. I want my first to be with you, baby. It’s only special when it’s with you. But I don’t want to wait anymore, so unless you are willing to move forward with me, I need to move on without you.”
Okay, maybe I am a dick for lying. She won’t be my first. But my first was forgettable, my own distraction from what I couldn’t have. And the rest...never meant a damn thing to me. Laiken has a great mouth, and Preslee knows the game well. She follows the rules. She lets me pretend, and that’s why I will be calling her when I leave here—this time probably leaving for good. Fuck!
I meet Riley’s eyes and let her study mine, and just for a second, I think there might be hope. She seems to be weighing her options but then she sighs and leans into kiss my cheek. “I’m sorry, Dean. But maybe, we should just break up.”
I can’t help but frown, that’s not what I want. I want her. I nod because what else am I going to do? She doesn’t love me, she doesn’t want me, and this is done. “I’m sorry too.” I peck her cheek and leave—phone in my hand—ready to send my text.
Me: BUSY? IF NOT, WANNA BE?
Her reply is quick as it usually is.
Preslee: BE THERE IN 20
Me: GOOD
Preslee is good. She lets me try all kinds of things. She is kind of crazy. Most the time I like it, it’s opposite of Riley’s sweet, and I let my mind pretend Riley wants me so much that she can’t help but be wild in bed.
Tonight though, I want sweet. I want to pretend that Riley didn’t tell me ‘whatever’ like I didn’t matter, like she didn’t shrug as though she were relieved to have ended us. I want to pretend that she had my shirt off, and her hands gripped my shoulders tightly as I touched her in between her legs for the first time. I want to pretend that she moaned and whimpered and said my name as she let me slip inside her with precise precision—knowing we fit perfectly together. I want to pretend that I made love to her, and she let me, and that when she came she felt love for me and I for her—just us. And now...I’m ready to pretend literally not just mentally. But I have to wait for Preslee to get here so I have someone to pretend with.
Escape the Doubt Page 19