by Kim Shaw
Torie’s face was a ball of confusion. She looked around the room, understanding finally why it was so sparse and almost uninhabited looking. It was clean but barren, as if not much living actually went on there.
“What do you mean?” Torie asked.
Hanif sighed, trying to find the words to have the conversation with his firstborn child that was long overdue but difficult all the same.
“I’m not a very wise man. Not a very smart one, either—book smart or otherwise. I’m just a man. Never really had dreams or big plans. That’s what I loved so much about your mother. She knew how to dream big. But it didn’t rub off on me.”
Torie sat silently, listening to her father and trying to make sense of what he was attempting to convey to her.
“When Brenda’s dreams soured on her, falling apart right before her eyes, I should have been able to pick her up and help her put them back together. But I didn’t have a clue how to do that. Didn’t know the first thing about saving a dream. Eventually, I couldn’t stand to look in her eyes and see darkness where there used to be so much light. I left because I knew that she would be better off without me. I had nothing of value or substance to give her—not the ability to dream, not hope.”
Torie’s breath caught in her throat and remained there. Hanif chewed his bottom lip, staring past the glass of the window into another time.
“You had that same light, that same dreamy look, in your eyes that your mother had. I never wanted to watch that light go out.”
Torie looked around the room again. This time she noticed that on the bookshelves there were no books. Instead, there were three large photo albums.
“Figured the best I could do was to send money to your mother every month and keep my distance.”
Torie began to breathe again, filling her lungs with air, one deep gulp at a time. Her heart raced and her throat felt dry.
“Torie, I’m not a man who knows how to really be with another person. I’m not going to blame my own upbringing or the things that my own parents did or didn’t do. I just know who I am and who I’m not,” Hanif said.
His gaze fell on his daughter’s face.
“When you’re onstage, you look just like your mother did when she stood in front of a microphone.”
Understanding slowly spread across Torie’s face. None of the questions she’d practiced mattered anymore; they no longer seemed to fit into the scenario as it existed. She rose to leave, her mind swimming.
“Hear I’m going to be a grandfather soon. Darius is going to be a good father—better than good,” he said to Torie’s back.
He opened the door for her and watched her walk out of the house and down the driveway. She turned around a few feet from the curb. Tears now flowed freely down her cheeks.
“Never let anybody steal your dreams,” Hanif said.
Torie nodded slowly before getting into her car and driving away. She knew that she would never ask her mother why she’d kept her father updated on their lives over the years and had never let on. She understood all that she needed to understand. She also realized that, while the ability to dream was not a right but a privilege, the opportunity to realize one’s dream was a blessing. Sometimes the cost was dear, more than you were prepared to pay. Yet, the real challenge came from trying to differentiate between your real dreams and those that were nothing more than smoke-filled illusions.
Chapter 28
No Surrender
Monte picked up the telephone to call Chelsey more than once, yet he could not bring himself to do it. The mere thought of trying to strike up a conversation, wade through the getting-to-know-you pleasantries, zapped him of emotional energy. How in the world could he honestly begin a relationship with someone when he was only half-there? There was a large part of him that could not be in the present when the past was still so vivid. Although he tried to force himself not to think about that part, he knew that it was a fact that he could not completely ignore. He felt bad about possibly having led Chelsey on, but his heart belonged to another.
The days merged into weeks, passing quickly as Monte tried to focus on everything but Torie. Dividing all of his time and attention between raising Joshua and Josiah, caring for his mother and excelling in his career was taking its toll on Monte. Business had always been both an avenue of pleasure and of great success for Monte, and he continued courting and landing big-name clients for the firm and building a reputation as a tough but efficient lawyer. The day that he was offered a partnership should have been the happiest day of his life. However, as he sat in the conference room with the firm’s founding attorneys, he once again had that feeling as if only part of him were present. He struggled to stay in the moment and to focus on what they were saying to him, but his mind wandered to Torie. He thought about how happy she’d be for him if she knew about the offer and he ached from wanting to share it with her.
Slightly more than halfheartedly, Monte accepted the offer. He was so proud of himself and of all that he’d managed to accomplish, yet there was a hole in his heart where the love of a good woman should be. He celebrated his partnership first with Josiah and Joshua, taking them to Hershey Park, Pennsylvania, for a few days. His dreams awakened him at night, leaving him haunted by images of Torie, and his waking moments were no better as they were flooded with memories of their time together. Try as he might to exorcise himself of her, the scent, taste and touch of her were embedded in him. The day that Monte finally accepted the fact that a life without Torie would be a fate equivalent to dying was the first day that Monte was able to sleep through the night without waking. He realized that there was nothing left for him to do but go to her, for better or for worse.
Chapter 29
The Hard Choices
Determined to either win Torie back into his life or to find closure once and for all, Monte wavered between calling her on the telephone or visiting her face-to-face. By the time he made the decision that what he had to say to her must be done in person, life threw another curveball and forced him to put his plans on hold once again. Marva had taken a turn for the worse, and no amount of hopeful thinking was going to change things.
After consultation with his mother’s doctor, Monte realized that keeping his mother at home was selfish and not in her best interests. There had been an increasing weakening of the muscles in her lungs and chest, which made it difficult and painful for her to cough and clear her lungs. The doctors warned that her physical condition would continue to deteriorate and that they needed to be on constant guard for pneumonia and other life-threatening conditions. Cheryl had been good to his family, but it was clear that taking care of Marva was a full-time job and required the skill of a trained professional. Physically, his mother was able to do little for herself and it pained him every time he had to help her use the bathroom or wash up. She needed around-the-clock care, and although he’d never thought the day would come when he’d have to admit that he couldn’t give his mother everything she needed, it did.
Smithaven Senior Residence was the best in the area. Marva’s doctor had several patients in the facility and it came highly recommended. Monte was able to talk to the family members of a few of the doctor’s patients and they all swore that placing their elderly loved ones at Smithaven was the best decision they’d made. Monte visited the facility, met with the senior staff members and left with a good feeling. He decided that it was the only thing he could do, which was the easy part. The tough part was telling Joshua and Josiah that yet another woman they loved and who loved them back was leaving their daily lives. Josiah cried while Joshua tried to play tough, although the sadness he felt was written all over his face. Monte held both boys, trying to be a comfort to them but also deriving comfort from them. His tears and pain mingled with theirs and for a while it was difficult to distinguish the adult from the children. Together they grieved for this latest misfortune in their little family, while silently Monte prayed that God would continue to heal their hearts and protect them from any more s
orrow. He could not help but feel that, on his own, he was failing in that regard.
It took two weeks before the paperwork and payments were processed and Marva was settled in Smithaven. The Medicare caseworker strongly suggested that Monte consider placing his mother in Parker Place, a state-run senior’s facility that cost half as much as Smithaven did. It was all Monte could do not to rip the man’s head off of his shoulders for even suggesting that Monte would choose a home for his mother based on the cost. He assured the caseworker that whether Medicare opted to pay a hundred, fifty or zero percent of the costs, his mother would get the best possible care. Period.
Monte knew that his mother would enjoy being strolled around Smithaven’s beautiful grounds. He remembered how much of an outdoors person she’d always been. Growing up, she’d never allowed him to sit around in the house watching television or playing video games like a lot of his friends did. She’d take him to the park or for walks around the neighborhood even in the rain. She used to say that being outside during one of God’s showers was the only way to really get all the dirt off.
At Smithaven, Marva had her own private suite with a sitting area, a double bed equipped with guardrails and other safety mechanisms, as well as a senior-protected bathroom. Monte and the boys stayed with Marva all day after she was transferred to the facility by the Smithaven ambulance. She was more alert than she had been in days, although Monte had to explain to her several times why she was moving to Smithaven. She ate heartily from the dinner of baked chicken, steamed carrots and red potatoes the resident served her, commenting on how tasty the food was.
As evening fell, Monte read a couple of articles from the newspaper to her while the boys sat on the sofa playing with their handheld games. Marva fell asleep shortly before they left, and reluctantly the Turner men kissed her sleeping forehead and left her in the care of the Smithaven staff.
That night, after tucking the boys into their beds, Monte sat in the darkness of his living room alone, contemplating the past year of his life. He wished for a sign that could tell him that he’d made the right choices for himself, for his boys and for his mother. It had not been an easy time, but it had not been the worst of times he’d experienced. He’d been so fortunate in his life because, without a father’s presence, he could have ended up in a variety of bad situations, including imprisoned or dead. But his mother was such a subtle, yet strong and supportive, force. She’d given him the permission to dream big and the mandate to pursue those dreams with dogged determination. She’d given him more love and encouragement than his hands could hold and all he could hope was that, in her final days, he’d given her the same.
He found himself thinking about Shawna, desperately wanting to ask for her opinion. Shawna had always served as a second conscience for him and her judgment was invaluable and never misguided. He missed that. She would never hesitate to tell him when he was right and, with equal honesty, when he was wrong. Monte opened his heart and let his doubts flow out of him. As he sat in the silence of his home, he felt a sense of renewal spread over him. It was as if Shawna had heard his prayers and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
Three days later it was a determined Monte who showed up unannounced on Torie’s doorstep. It was after eleven o’clock when he arrived. He rang the doorbell and waited, wiping sweaty palms on the black denim jeans he wore. He shrugged his shoulders up and down, like a boxer attempting to remain loose before a bout. Monte was prepared to beg, to plead, to kick and scream if he had to. What he wasn’t prepared for, however, was the possibility that Torie had moved on.
“Hey, Monte. Wow, what are you doing here?” Martin said as he swung Torie’s apartment door open.
Monte’s eyes grazed over Martin’s frame, bare from the waist up. Monte pushed the door open farther and stepped inside. Torie, who had been seated on the sofa, jumped up.
“Monte!” she exclaimed.
“What the hell is going on?” he exclaimed.
“Monte…what are you doing here?” Torie asked.
“Yeah, that’s what I’d like to know,” Martin added, slamming the door shut.
“Yo, man, just shut up.”
Monte glared at Martin, the veins in his forehead throbbing and pulsing noticeably.
“Monte, what…why are you here? Why didn’t you call first?” Torie hurled questions at Monte. “Is something wrong with the boys? Is it your mother?”
“No, no, the boys are fine, and Mom, well, she’s as good as can be expected. Nothing’s wrong,” he said.
“So what’s going on?” Martin asked.
Monte ignored him.
“What’s going on?” Torie echoed.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Monte, please, I…I can’t do this. Last time—”
“Last time I was a real butt hole and I’m sorry. Just please give me an hour, just one hour where you hear me out. After that, if you want me to leave you alone forever, I will.”
“Oh, give me a break,” Martin said. “Torie, tell this guy to get lost.”
Torie looked from Monte to Martin. The uncharacteristic anger in Monte’s eyes told her that the situation was becoming more volatile with each passing second.
“Monte, why don’t you have a seat so we can talk about this,” Torie said to him.
She turned to face Martin, a weak smile on her face.
“Martin—”
“Come on, Torie, just tell him to leave. You don’t have to listen to anything he has to say. You don’t owe him a damned thing.”
“Chump, you’re on real thin ice,” Monte growled.
“Monte, just sit down,” Torie snapped.
“No, thank you. I don’t need to sit. I just need to know one thing, Torie. Are you sleeping with this clown?” Monte demanded.
“Clown? Who are you calling a clown when you’re the one who showed up here, unannounced, demanding answers. You’ve got some nerve, buddy,” Martin hissed.
“I already told you to shut up, man. Don’t make me have to say it again.”
“Monte, stop it. Just please stop it,” Torie said, moving between the two men.
“Do you want me to throw this guy out of here?” Martin said, sticking out his naked chest in a show of bravado.
Monte threw a snide chuckle toward Martin. He had no concerns about his ability to knock Martin flat on his butt if it came down to it.
“Martin, please…do me a favor. Just go. Go on upstairs and I’ll call you later,” Torie said. “What?”
“Please, Martin. Let me talk to Monte alone. It’s fine, Martin, really. I’ll call you later.”
“Yeah, Martin, it’s fine,” Monte snapped.
Martin kept his eyes trained on Monte’s as he moved toward the door. Torie walked with Martin, keeping a hand on his arm as she opened the door.
“Call me,” Martin said, squeezing Torie’s shoulder meaningful. Monte’s blood boiled with envy while he watched this exchange of intimacy. For a moment, the temptation to just leave—run away and lick his wounds—was strong. However, the memory of the lonely nights he’d spent since Torie had been gone wouldn’t let him move. He did not come all this way just to be turned away, and he prepared himself to dig in his heels and to fight for her if need be.
“What’s going on, Torie, huh?” Monte demanded as soon as she’d closed the door.
She stormed across the room, stopping in front of Monte.
“Monte, you need to calm yourself down and take a seat. You are the one who needs to do some explaining, not me,” Torie said.
“I came here because I love you, and I know damned well that you love me. And do you know what else? I don’t even care what that idiot was doing here, and I don’t care what you’ve got going on with him. Whatever it is, it can’t mean an ounce of what we mean to each other.”
“Monte, this is crazy. How dare you just pop up here and bring all this back up. We’ve moved on, haven’t we?” Torie’s voice rose with emotion. “You wanted this. You broke up w
ith me, remember?”
“Tell me you don’t still love me, Torie. Say it.”
Monte knew that he was shouting, but he couldn’t control himself. This was the most critical stance Monte had had to take in his life and timidity had no place. Torie turned her back on him. Her body trembled with a mixture of emotions, one of the more dominant being anger.
“How dare you do this to me,” she said at last.
“Look at me, Torie.”
“No.”
“Look at me.”
Torie turned around slowly.
“Just tell me you love me. Please, just say it.”
“No, Monte. No. Do you have any idea what I’ve gone through? How I’ve felt? I went to see my father, Monte,” Torie revealed. “Yeah, I actually called him up and went to see him. See, for some crazy reason, I thought that maybe it was wrong for me to put myself and my ambitions before everything and everyone else.”
Torie laughed out loud, a derisive laugh that was as embittered as it was astute.
“If I never see Hanif Turner again, that would be absolutely okay with me. But you know what? I will forever be grateful to that man. He made me realize that not only is it not selfish for me to go after my dreams, but for me to do anything else would mean death to my soul. Monte, if I’m not fulfilled within myself, I can’t be fulfilled within a relationship. It just won’t work.”
“I know that, Torie. I mean, I know before that I said I’d support you in your career and then did everything I could to make you feel like you had to choose between me and it. I swear, Torie, that wasn’t my intention and…and I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t see things my way.”
“And now you can?”
“Yes, I can because I love you, baby. Past my heart, past my mind. Past all the self-involved sentiments I’ve expressed. I won’t ever stop loving you, Torie.”
“Monte—”
“No. Don’t say it. I won’t listen to it. Tell me that you’re angry with me. Tell me how I behaved like a stupid jerk,” Monte yelled.