Wholehearted

by Ronica Black

  “Yeah.”

  “We are not in any way a hotel, are we?”

  Marv shook his head. “What now? Another parent wanting to pay you to keep their kid overnight?”

  “No. This one wants us to provide a shuttle service.”

  “Good Lord,” Beverly said. “Really? These parents do this kind of thing?”

  “Oh, you wouldn’t believe it.” Madison rested her arms on the door to the stall and lowered her head.

  Marv explained. “She had a man try to sell her his son. His son liked it here and he figured Madison could use the permanent help—”

  “And he wanted money,” Madison finished for him.

  “That’s terrible.”

  “It’s why these boys are here. A lot of it is poor parenting.” Madison reached in and stroked Mazey’s delicate flank. Her hide felt rough with small patches of fur and scarred skin. It twitched as Madison scratched it. Mazey snorted and shook her head in approval. She loved to be scratched and stroked, despite the horrors she had lived through.

  Madison closed her eyes and breathed in the smells of the stable. Hay, oats, leather, dirt, manure. It all soothed her and grounded her. She thanked the gods for these animals and their healed and gentled souls. These horses had been mistreated, just like most of the boys. What was wrong with people? She asked herself that nearly every day and never found her answers.

  “Let it go, Maddy, or you’ll go mad,” Marv said, relaying one of his favorite lines. He could always tell when she was stewing.

  “I don’t know how you don’t,” Beverly said. She half hugged Madison and held her tightly. “I just have to deal with the horses. I couldn’t imagine having to worry about kids too. You do good things. Don’t ever forget that.”

  “You too,” Madison said, feeling herself closing off well before the tears came and the worry continued. She had to shut off and let it go, like Marv said. Deal with each issue as it arose and then release it. It was the only way to stay sane at Healing Soul Ranch.

  “I’d better get going. Bryce is making me Sunday supper.”

  “Sounds good,” Marv said.

  “You’ve got a colt to attend to,” Madison said, forcing herself to smile.

  “Ah, he’ll be fine.”

  Madison knew he was kidding. She’d be surprised if he didn’t spend the night looking after it. She hoped he would. More and more lately she found the loneliness of her large home daunting. It made her feel hollow inside, like something that was impossible to fill despite her trying.

  “Right. Let’s try that bottle first,” she said. “Then we’ll have supper.”

  Madison followed Beverly out to her truck and watched her crawl inside to retrieve all the info she had on the colt. She handed the file over. “You got everything else you need?”

  “Sure do. And Rob will come check on him tomorrow.” Rob wasn’t only her best friend, he was also a fellow rescuer and vet. When it came to horses, he could almost compete with Marv.

  “Call me if you need anything.” Beverly wiped away a sudden tear. “I can’t hug him good-bye or I’ll cry. And to think I only had him for a week.”

  “I know.” Madison patted her shoulder. “Come by next week and see him.”

  “I might just do that.”

  “You will.”

  Beverly smiled. “See ya, Madness.”

  “See ya.”

  She waved as she drove away, and Madison watched the dirt snake up behind Beverly’s truck as she headed out. The sun seemed to meet her at the end of the road, and Madison crossed back into the stables, hoping to get the colt settled with Mazey before dark. But cursing from Marv greeted her as she came upon the stall.

  “Damn stubborn boy,” he said, bent over, hand on knee, dripping bottle in the other.

  “Won’t eat?”

  “Won’t eat! He won’t even stand between my legs.”

  “Great.” She laughed softly. “Guess Beverly wasn’t lying.” Mazey, however, was very curious about the bottle and she was licking the milk that fell on the hay. “Think you’ll have any luck later?” She hadn’t seen it firsthand, but the colt was over in the corner flicking his tail and pacing, in no mood for being held still.

  “I doubt it. Probably gonna take a few tries.”

  “Well, come on. I got some pintos on the stove. Your favorite.”

  He perked up and an eyebrow lifted as he repositioned his hat on his head. “You knew I was coming, didn’t ya?”

  “I know you like a rattler knows his tail.”

  “You must.”

  “And I got your bed made down too.”

  He grumbled and clapped her on the back as he left the stall. “Damn smarty.”

  “I’m the only woman you need.”

  “Got that right.”

  “And hearts are breaking all over Arizona tonight.”

  He threw back his head and laughed. “I’m sure they are. I’m sure they are.”

  Chapter Three

  “Jake, come on,” Grace half sighed and half pleaded. She was standing in his doorway staring into an abyss of clothes, books, and video game cases.

  “What?” He was sprawled out on his stomach on the bed, his hands feuding over a video game controller as he shouted into a headset. His sock-covered feet kicked in the air, showing the thick black monitoring bracelet he had to wear. “We gotta blow that fucker up. No. Him. Over there, asswipe!”

  “Jake!”

  He turned.

  “It’s eleven o’clock. You need to put that away and go to bed.” She motioned for him to remove the earpiece.

  “You haven’t even been home,” he said.

  “So?” She instantly felt the guilt of having gone into work and leaving him. She was pretty sure he knew it too and was playing it up.

  “I’m sorry, I’m in the middle of this big new case and—”

  “Seems like you just finished a big case.”

  “I—well, I did a couple of weeks ago and it was very important and—”

  “So is this one?” He pressed pause and looked at her. His blond hair was mussed and his lips were stained red, no doubt from the bucket of Red Vines he was devouring.

  “Yes.”

  He scowled and returned to his game. “I’ll go to bed when I’m done.”

  “Jake—”

  “Chill, Aunt Grace. Don’t you have work to do or something?”

  She rested her elbow on the door frame and sighed again as she rubbed her forehead.

  “And will you stop sighing all the time,” Jake said. “If I’m that much of a damn problem, I’ll leave.”

  “What? No. Jesus, Jake, come on.” She decided to change the subject. “Did you eat dinner?”

  He held up the plastic bucket of Red Vines. There were about ten left. “Want some?”

  “No. I left you a note on the fridge about the leftover spaghetti.”

  “Didn’t want it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Wasn’t in the mood for mandolins tonight, Aunt Grace.”

  “So you had Red Vines?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “A bucket of Red Vines,” she clarified.

  “Not all of them. I saved you some.”

  “Not the point, Jake. You needed a good dinner. You’re going to work hard tomorrow.”

  “So I’ll eat a good breakfast.”

  “Deal. Now go to bed.”

  “I will soon.”

  “How soon?”

  “Soon.”

  She crossed to his television and thumbed down the volume. The gunshots and explosions fell into sweet silence.

  “Aunt Grace! Come on.” He thumbed up the remote.

  “Not too loud, I need to sleep.”

  “Thought you had work.”

  “Don’t be a smart-ass.”

  “Better than being a dumbass.”

  “Jake!”

  “Okay, okay.” He adjusted the volume again. “How’s this?”

  “Good.”

  “F
ine.”

  “All right. Good night.”

  “Night.”

  She closed his door and then her own as she entered her bedroom. The laptop lit up the bed, her only attentive lover as of late. She slipped out of her robe and slid beneath the covers. The soft orthopedic mattress welcomed her, as did the cool sheets and feather duvet. She wanted so badly just to lie there and allow sleep to carry her away. But the case called and she had more research to do. If she could pull off another big win, partner would be just a mere step away. She couldn’t give in to fatigue now. She had to put in at least two more hours.

  “I can do two hours. Hell, I’ve worked all night before.” But it was different now with Jake. Ignoring herself and her own needs had been rather easy, but having someone else to look after was not. “I can do it, though. Sixty-hour weeks and Jake both. I’m a machine.” It was what Rogers called her. A machine. He and the other partners at the firm loved her. She was their up-and-coming, their go-to girl. And she wasn’t about to let that change.

  Propping herself up, she reached for her laptop and notes and started in. An hour and a half later, she was fast asleep.

  *

  “Jake.” Grace shook him but he wouldn’t budge. “Jake, for God’s sake.” She’d overslept by twenty minutes and Jake was passed out on the bed, his arms hanging over the side. Drool glistened on his cheek as his head rose. “Jake, get up. We’re late.”

  “Fuck it,” he said, unable to open his eyes.

  “No, get up. You have to go.”

  “The judge can kiss it.”

  “They won’t let you sleep in at juvie either, Jake. Now get up.”

  He remained still for another moment and she shook him again.

  “Okay, okay.”

  “No okays, just get up!” She stumbled over clothes to get to his stereo. She powered it up, found heavy metal on his iPod, and slid it onto the system. Hard, heavy drums ripped through the room along with raucous guitar riffs. She turned it up louder as he covered his head with his pillow. Tearing through his dresser, she tossed a pair of jeans and a T-shirt onto the bed along with a pair of boxers and socks.

  “Don’t forget to brush your teeth and put on deodorant,” she yelled. When she turned she was relieved to find him sitting up. She threw the stick of deodorant to him, watched him fumble for it, and hurried from the room. Thankfully, she’d taken her own shower the night before, but she still had to hurry to dress. She inhaled the scent of her lotions and perfumes as she entered her warm walk-in closet to find an outfit. They were meeting with the client today and she needed to look attractive, classic, and confident. On days like these she always went for the skirts, knowing her legs could do the job. After choosing a sleeveless white silk blouse, just-above-the-knee gray skirt, and matching short gray blazer, she took the clothes, dropped her robe, and glanced in the mirror.

  “Oh,” she said as she realized she had lost a little weight and a little sun from her skin. Her abdomen had the side etchings she got when she was thinner and her skin was as pale as milk. Work had kept her indoors, and coming home to Jake had kept her from her long evening walks in the setting sun. Her blond hair hung to her shoulders and her eyes looked darker than usual and fatigued. She’d have to do a great makeup job in the car this morning.

  After combing her hair into a tight bun, she dressed quickly, skipping the pantyhose and opting for a short slip alone. She zipped up her skirt and buttoned her blouse, then slid into her favorite black stiletto heels to finish off her outfit. She slung her blazer over her shoulder and went to check on Jake. He was lying on his back on the bed, dressed, with his feet barely touching the floor. The music had been turned off.

  “Jake,” she called.

  He sat up quickly and rubbed his eyes.

  “Let’s go.”

  He followed her to the kitchen.

  “Did you make yourself some water like I told you to yesterday?”

  “No.”

  She shook her head and retrieved a large personal cooler and thrust it at him to fill. “You have to do these things, Jake.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  She glanced at his sneakers. They were pristine white high tops.

  “I told you we needed to shop and buy the right clothes and shoes; those are going to get filthy.”

  “The hell they will,” he said. “These will be fine. Besides, I’m not some stupid cowboy. I’m not going to wear boots.”

  “Fine.” She’d tried to get him to go shopping with her, but he had refused. She could’ve gone without him, but he would never wear what he didn’t pick out. She’d already learned that lesson the hard way.

  She headed for the car with her large shoulder bag, purse, and briefcase in hand. Breakfast was becoming a distant memory, almost as if it didn’t exist anymore. The sun was just awakening, the sky still gray-blue. The neighborhood was quiet, the birds singing softly and sporadically as if they too weren’t quite yet awake. Her home looked quiet with its beige stuccoed walls and dark brown tiled roof. Flagstone ran up the front column and around the two front windows. The yard was perfectly and tastefully manicured, like those of all the homes in the upscale neighborhood. She liked it but it had felt empty somehow, like the neighborhood and the house were just bones. Just material things with no meat on them and no heart within in which to beat. She tried to explain that to someone one time and got a look as if she were crazy. Bones? Meat? What are you saying? She’d quickly given up. But now Jake was here and things felt different. Crazy but different.

  She backed out of the garage and Jake came ambling out in baggy-waist jeans with tight fitting legs. A red ball cap sat backward on his head and he wore a different T-shirt than she’d picked out. The water cooler thumped the floor as he deposited it and climbed inside. He smelled like strong cologne.

  They rode in silence for a long while and Grace found herself thinking of Ally Murphy and her offer. They’d kissed, even made out on their dates, and the physicality had been good. But Ally felt like everything else. Just bones. Just there. Still, she recalled her own pale and thinner body in the mirror and imagined Ally’s long agile fingers touching her, running down her stomach to her—

  Jake began to snore next to her and his music screeched from his iPod earbuds.

  “What am I doing thinking about this?” She laughed a little. But, God yes, it would feel good to be touched. It had been so long. And that kiss hadn’t been bad. It had been really damn nice actually. Or was it just a warm kiss from a warm, available woman?

  “Does it matter?”

  “Huh?” Jake startled.

  “Nothing. Wake up, though. I need your help finding this place.”

  She pointed to the GPS screen and handed Jake the address to enter. He loved working it and sat up, interested. But to her dismay, the address didn’t register.

  “Where the hell is this place?” Jake asked.

  She squeezed the steering wheel and exited off I-10. They turned off onto a farm road and she put the car in park. The GPS map showed nothing but unmarked land. She fumbled with the instructions she’d printed from the computer. They had four more roads to find. Dirt roads.

  “Great.” It was going to wreak havoc on the Mercedes.

  “Where?” Jake said over his music.

  “I don’t know, Jake.” She knew he couldn’t really hear, so she said what she really thought. “Hell. It’s in hell.”

  They continued on and Grace turned down the road as instructed by Google maps. She relaxed a little at least having found one correct road. But soon, as she turned on the next one, she knew it was wrong. They wound down a tight narrow road, bypassing sporadic homes with large gates that read no trespassing. The road ended up ahead.

  “Shit, this is wrong.” She followed the road to the end and made a wide turn to park. Around her she saw hawks glide through the morning sky and jackrabbits scurry about, oblivious to being hunted. Two coyotes crossed the road the way she’d come, staring at her as if they didn’t have a c
are in the world.

  “What’s wrong now?” Jake came to life again.

  “This road is wrong. It’s a dead end.”

  He took the pages from her.

  “Why do I always use those online maps?” she said. “And don’t just take things from me.”

  “Why didn’t you get directions from the place?” Jake asked, sifting through the papers as she fought to get them back.

  “Because she was rude and she didn’t seem to want to help.”

  “Nice. And you’re sending me to this place?”

  She got control of the papers.

  “Juvie doesn’t sound any better, does it?”

  “It might.”

  “Don’t just take things like that from me, Jake,” she said again.

  “I heard you.”

  “Don’t do it.”

  “Why? You don’t know what you’re doing.”

  “Because it’s disrespectful.”

  “Not that again.”

  “I mean it, Jake.”

  “Fine. But you really should know what you’re doing.”

  She fought arguing with him and also fought the burning tears. She was doing her damn best. It wasn’t her fault the map was wrong. And he wasn’t the only one going to be late. At this rate, they’d be lucky to find their way back home, much less the stupid ranch.

  He looked around at all the desert and stirring wildlife, oblivious to her just like the rabbits were to the hawks. “We are in the middle of nowhere,” he said in a lighter tone. “Maybe that’s what you should’ve typed in on your MapQuest. Nowhere.”

  “Why? We would’ve just ended up here.”

  He looked at her and they both laughed, making her feel better.

  “No, seriously, we have to get out of here,” she said.

  Jake shrugged. She put the car in drive.

  “Lock your doors,” she said, startled.

  “Why?”

  She pointed as a man carrying a shotgun came to stand just in front of the car. Grace felt her heart fall to her feet. “Here.” She tossed Jake the phone. “Call May. Tell her we might not ever make it back into town.”