by Emily Forbes
‘Sure,’ Kitty said, just as her stomach rumbled.
Joe put his arm around her shoulder and led her into the apartment. ‘And I also made dinner.’
‘Dinner? How?’ she said as she looked at his splinted arm.
‘All right, I admit, I didn’t make it but I ordered in. Indian takeaway. It’s in the oven, keeping warm.’
‘That’s our dinner I can smell?’
‘Yep. Butter chicken, rogan josh, garlic naan and rice.’
Kitty had eaten plenty of curries while she’d been pregnant. She’d found meat was more appetising when it was harder to recognise and she wondered if the baby would grow up with a taste for curry. ‘You’ve been busy.’
Joe broke into a wide smile. ‘Yep, but not too busy to avoid thinking about all the things we could do together when you got home.’ He stepped behind her and kissed her earlobe as he slid his left hand under her shirt and cupped her breast.
Kitty’s knees wobbled and heat pooled low in her belly as her nipple peaked under his fingers. She forgot about work. She forgot about the baby. Forgot about dinner and all her reservations about the future. She was only hungry for one thing now.
CHAPTER EIGHT
THE ED HAD been quiet today and Kitty was grateful. Even though it was almost three weeks since the assault she was still suffering from headaches and fatigue. The headaches weren’t bad, just a dull ache behind her eyes at times, but she didn’t like to take anything for the discomfort because of the baby. She was still trying to figure out if the fatigue was related to the concussion, the pregnancy or to the fact that she wasn’t getting many early nights due to the combination of shift work and Joe’s libido. She knew she was as much to blame as he was—she found him irresistible, and getting home to him was the highlight of her day.
She had dropped him at the ambulance station on her way to work this morning and arranged to meet him for lunch after his appointment with the hand surgeon. She’d been counting down the hours and hoping the department didn’t experience a sudden influx of emergencies, eager to hear what the specialist had to say about Joe’s proposed return to work.
He was getting bored and she hoped for his sake that he would be cleared for light duties but, from a purely selfish point of view, she was worried about how that would impact on her and on their fledgling relationship. In her mind it was the first step towards him getting his independence back, which might also prove to be the first nail in the coffin of their relationship. If he could work maybe he’d figure he could manage without her help. It was only a matter of time before he wouldn’t need her as much any more. Maybe only a matter of time until he wouldn’t need her at all.
‘Kitty, Anna, incoming ambulance, two minutes.’
Her thoughts were interrupted by Davina, which was probably just as well, she figured as she made her way to the triage desk. She didn’t want to dwell on the negatives, she needed to learn to be happy in the moment. She was trying but it didn’t come naturally to her.
‘Two-year-old toddler pulled from a backyard pool,’ the charge nurse told her and Anna as they gathered together. ‘Resuscitated onsite.’
Kitty went pale. ‘I can’t do it, Davina,’ she said. ‘Please, can you find someone else?’
Davina knew her history. Kitty was always the last staff member called to these types of incidents.
‘I’m sorry, Kitty. There isn’t anyone else. I’ll send someone to take over from you as soon as I can. Think of it as a seizure if it helps.’
But Kitty knew that wouldn’t work. Treatment was different for a start. And once she’d heard the words ‘pulled from a pool’ her mind had gone straight to drowning and from there way back to her childhood.
Everyone in the emergency department had their own Achilles heel. Drowning or near-drowning incidents were Kitty’s.
Anna handed Kitty a clean apron and put her arm around her shoulders. ‘It’ll be all right,’ she told her. ‘Just focus on me, I’ll tell you what I need. You can do this.’
Kitty wasn’t so sure, but it wasn’t in her nature to let her colleagues or their patients down so she nodded and grabbed a fresh pair of gloves as she fought back a rising wave of nausea. She grabbed a blanket from the warming cupboard and followed Anna outside, hoping that the fresh air would clear her mind. Hoping Anna could get her through this.
The ambulance pulled into the bay and Kitty’s first reaction was to look for Joe, before she remembered that he was still off work.
The paramedic who climbed out of the ambulance wasn’t one Kitty knew. He pulled the stretcher out and spoke rapidly, giving Anna and Kitty the details he had.
‘Twenty-six-month-old boy. Pulled from a private pool. Mother isn’t sure how long he was immersed for but thinks it was less than ten minutes. Unresponsive. Respiratory and cardiac arrest. CPR was performed onsite. Resuscitated but unstable. Oxygen sats still low, eighty-six percent. Core temperature back up to thirty-six degrees.’
The child had a small oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, an IV line running into his arm and he was covered with a blanket to try to increase his body temperature slowly back to normal. Kitty draped the warmed blanket she carried over his inert body while somehow managing to keep her eyes averted.
‘We’ll need arterial blood gases and an FBE,’ Anna said as they pushed the stretcher into the ED. ‘And we’ll need to intubate if his pulse ox doesn’t improve.’
The little boy was listless, the edges of his lips tinged with blue.
Kitty tried not to look at him but it was impossible as they transferred the child across to the exam couch. She could feel herself starting to shake. Black spots swam before her eyes and she thought she might be about to faint but then nausea swamped her, making her break out in a sweat. She grabbed a bowl from a trolley and vomited into it. She hadn’t thrown up since she’d been hospitalised for concussion and before that it had been due to morning sickness, but she’d thrown up more in the past few months than in the rest of her entire life. But this was mental stress, not a physical thing.
‘Davina!’ Anna called out as the paramedics departed with their stretcher. ‘I need some help in here.’
Davina came in and took one look at Kitty, who was standing motionless in the centre of the room, holding the plastic bowl in her hands.
‘Kitty, go, take a break,’ Davina instructed. ‘I’ll handle this.’
Kitty didn’t waste any time getting out of there. She rinsed the bowl in the sluice room and headed for the change rooms. She opened her locker but ignored the salad she’d made for her lunch. She didn’t think she could eat. She was still nauseous and shaky. She took her phone from her locker and pushed the button to speed-dial Joe.
‘Hi, it’s me,’ she said when he answered. ‘Can you meet me a bit earlier?’
‘Sure. When?’
‘Now.’ She was close to tears. Hearing Joe’s voice was almost enough to push her over the edge into hysteria. She needed to see him. She wanted his arms wrapped around her. It was the only thing that would make her feel safe.
‘Is everything OK?’
She couldn’t talk to him over the phone. She wanted to see him. Needed to feel him, to hear him tell her everything would be all right. ‘I need to see you. Can you meet me in the ambulance bay?’
* * *
Kitty was sitting on the wall. She was hunched over, her elbows resting on her knees. She looked tiny. From this angle it was impossible to see her baby bump. She looked small and fragile. Wounded. Joe knew looks could be deceiving but he’d heard the tremor in her voice and he’d known instantly that something was wrong. He just didn’t know what.
He could see her shoulders rise and fall—she was taking deep breaths. He reached out with his left hand, putting it on her shoulder. She jumped at his touch. She was shaking and he felt the coldness of her skin through the thin fabric of her scrubs. When
she lifted her head, her eyes were dark, haunted, and a tell-tale crease of worry ran between her brows.
‘Kitty, what is it? What’s happened? Are you hurt?’
He ran his eyes over her but could see nothing.
She stood up, shaking her head, and stepped into his arms.
She fitted perfectly against his chest and he held her tight, as if his life depended on it. As if hers did.
‘I’m worried about the baby.’
Joe frowned. He knew Kitty worried more than most people but, even so, something usually acted as a trigger for full-blown anxiety.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked.
‘The paramedics just brought in a two-year-old boy. A near-drowning.’
Now things started to make sense. Kitty used to be the middle one of three sisters. Her younger sister, Eliza, had drowned when she was two. Kitty had been almost six years old, and she’d never got over it. Her sister’s death had been her first loss.
‘It made me think of Eliza.’
‘Of course it did,’ Joe said as he rubbed her back. ‘That’s understandable.’
‘But it also made me worry about all the other things that can and do go wrong. What if something happens to this baby?’ She put her hand protectively over her belly.
‘Kitty, you can’t worry about unforeseen things.’ He knew what she was like and he understood her concerns, but the reality was it wasn’t going to be her job to worry about this baby once it was born. That would be Jess and Cam’s responsibility. He knew Kitty sometimes forgot this baby wasn’t hers to keep but he wasn’t about to remind her of that right at this moment. ‘I know you’ve suffered tragedies, but you need to stay positive.’ He kept her in his embrace and led her away from the ambulance bay into the sunshine.
‘Your body reacts to stress, the baby doesn’t need that,’ he said, trying to calm her and distract her by playing on her sense of responsibility to her unborn baby. He held her until she stopped shaking. ‘Are you going to be OK?’ he asked gently.
Her face was pale but he watched as she squared her shoulders and gave him a wan half-smile, nodding. ‘Yes,’ she answered as she stood up. ‘I’ll be fine. Thank you for being here.’
‘I’ll always be here,’ he said as he kissed her forehead. As much as he wanted to follow her back into work, he couldn’t go with her. He had to trust that she’d be all right. But his words echoed in his head as he watched her go. What exactly was he promising her? Would he always be there for her now? In what capacity? As a friend or a lover?
He didn’t do serious commitment, but how could they go back now?
* * *
Kitty stretched her legs out in front of her and kicked her shoes off. She’d noticed her feet had started to swell at the end of her shifts and it felt good to have a day when she could put them up.
‘What colour would you like?’ Jess asked as she held out a selection of nail polishes. Cam had gone to play golf while Kitty visited Jess and they’d decided to spend the afternoon pampering themselves.
‘That one,’ Kitty said, choosing a pale pink.
‘Is Joe working today?’ Jess asked as she shook the little bottle before unscrewing the cap.
‘Yes. This is his last week in the office. He should get the splint removed next week and he hopes then to be allowed back on the road as a spare.’
‘Does that mean he’ll be able to manage at home without you?’
‘Mmm-hmm.’
‘Has he asked you to stay?’
Kitty shook her head. ‘No. There’s no reason for me to stay once the splint comes off.’ He wouldn’t need her once the splint was removed, even though she’d be happy to stay. It was ironic really—usually she was eager to be the one leaving before she could be left, but she and Joe were still in the early stages of their relationship and she was happy. She hadn’t been really happy in a long time.
‘How do you feel about that?’ Jess asked. ‘Were you hoping he would?’
‘Yes.’ Kitty answered honestly, avoiding eye contact with Jess whose head was bent over Kitty’s feet as she painted her toenails. Kitty’s pregnant bump made that impossible now. ‘I was always planning on coming back here to you until the baby was born, and Joe knows that, but it would have been nice for him to ask. It would validate our relationship.’
She’d always planned on moving back in with Jess and Cam once Joe didn’t need her help any more but she’d got used to their living—and sleeping—arrangements and she didn’t actually want to leave.
‘Maybe you should start the discussion,’ Jess suggested, but Kitty shook her head.
Joe had said nothing. He’d given no hint as to where he thought their relationship might be heading. She shouldn’t have been surprised, she knew he never got serious. It shouldn’t upset her. It shouldn’t bother her. But it did. Their relationship felt right—perfect even—and she’d never felt like that before, about anyone. But she knew Joe didn’t believe in perfect. He didn’t believe in happily ever after. He wouldn’t commit and she’d just have to accept that and hope that, at the end of the day, they could remain friends.
‘Even if you move back here until the baby comes, where would you like to live once the baby is born? You’d be welcome to stay here, of course,’ Jess offered as she started to cough.
‘Thanks, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.’ Kitty was starting to realise how hard it was going to be to relinquish the baby, and being in the same house would only make it more difficult. She needed to remember the baby wasn’t hers, and that would be easier to do if she had some distance. ‘You and Cam will need time with your baby by yourselves. Time to adjust to becoming a family.’
Jess was still coughing as Kitty finished speaking, so Kitty went to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water. Jess had had the cough for a while now and Kitty had been meaning to ask her about it but every time she started to, the conversation seemed to get redirected to talk of Joe or the baby or how Kitty was feeling. She’d ask her about it now, she decided as she filled the glass. Silence returned as she carried the drink back into the lounge. Jess had stopped coughing but was hunched over.
‘Are you all right?’ Kitty asked as she rubbed Jess’s back.
Jess looked up. Her eyes were wide with fright and Kitty could hear her fighting to breathe.
‘Oh, my God,’ Kitty said. ‘Is there something stuck in your throat?’ she asked, knowing there couldn’t be. They hadn’t eaten. What was happening?
‘Can you sit up?’
Jess shook her head. ‘Hurts.’
Was she going blue around the lips? Surely she wouldn’t deteriorate that quickly?
Kitty pulled her phone from her pocket and dialled 000.
‘I need an ambulance. It’s my sister. She can’t breathe,’ she said when she got through to Dispatch. ‘No, there’s no airway obstruction. I’m a nurse. Please hurry.’
Kitty put her phone on speaker while they waited, not wanting to be distracted. She boiled the kettle, wondering if warm, moist air would make breathing easier, before hurrying back into the lounge room. She didn’t want to leave Jess alone. Her sister was fighting for air. Kitty placed two fingers on Jess’s wrist, feeling for her pulse. Her touch met with rapid beats.
Please hurry. Kitty willed the ambulance to arrive but prepared herself to breathe for her sister.
‘The ambulance is almost there.’ The dispatcher’s voice came through the phone. ‘Can you hear the siren?’
‘Yes.’
‘OK. You can hang up now. Go and open the door for them.’
Kitty waited until the siren was switched off, indicating the ambulance was outside the front before she dared to leave Jess’s side to open the door. ‘This way,’ she directed the paramedics. ‘It’s my sister. She’s in respiratory distress.’
‘Is she on any medication?’
‘I don’t know.’ Kitty hated feeling so helpless. So useless. ‘She’s had treatment for ovarian cancer.’
‘Has this happened before?’
‘I don’t think so.’
She made another phone call, this time to Cam, while the paramedics assessed Jess. She was almost in tears but knew she had to hold it together for a while longer. The paramedics might need more information from her.
The baby kicked in her belly and Kitty had the feeling she was reacting to her distress. Picking up on her emotions. She needed to remain calm. She put her hand protectively over her belly, as if trying to shield the baby from the drama. ‘It’s all right, little one,’ she whispered. ‘Your mum will be OK.’
As she made the promise to the baby she realised it was the first time she’d really acknowledged that her sister was the baby’s mother. She’d said the words to others but had never said them out loud to herself. She had no idea if Jess would be OK, she had no idea if she was speaking the truth, but knew she was trying to calm herself as much as the unborn child. Jess had to be all right. Everyone needed her.
The paramedics had fitted an oxygen mask over Jess’s face and were loading her onto a stretcher as Kitty made a second call to Joe. She grabbed her keys, her bag and Jess’s handbag as she spoke to Joe. Keeping busy trying to do several things at once meant she didn’t have time to fall apart.
She climbed into the front of the ambulance as Jess was loaded into the back and fretted as they negotiated the streets to the hospital.
The ambulance pulled into the bay at North Sydney. It felt surreal to be climbing out of the ambulance and walking into the ED as a family member. Kitty was used to being there as a nurse. She was used to having some control, used to it being her job to remain calm and to comfort, assess and treat patients and victims. She’d been a victim herself once after the assault but her recollection of that day was hazy at best. She had never presented to the ED as a family member before and having no control over the outcome, but all the worry, was hugely stressful.