by Emily Forbes
She was relieved to see Anna and Victoria in the ambulance bay. She was on comfortable terms with Victoria again now that Kitty was the one sleeping with Joe. Victoria didn’t seem to be holding any grudges.
She just had time to let them know that Jess was her sister before the paramedics pulled her from the ambulance and began to give Anna the rundown on Jess’s condition.
Kitty followed Jess’s stretcher into an exam room. She stood in a corner, out of the way. No one told her to leave and she figured if she was quiet no one would. She watched as Victoria replaced the oxygen tubing before strapping a blood-pressure cuff around Jess’s arm and attaching the pulse oximetry monitor to her finger.
‘Can you also put the ECG leads on?’ Anna asked as she tightened the tourniquet and drew blood from Jess’s arm. ‘Did Jess have her chemo here?’ she enquired. Kitty nodded. ‘OK. Can you pull up her file?’ Anna asked Victoria.
Victoria finished setting up the ECG and pushed the buttons to record Jess’s cardiac rhythm before she went to the computer and pulled up her sister’s electronic file. Kitty craned her neck but couldn’t read the entries from where she stood.
Anna turned to look at her. ‘She has metastases in her lungs?’
‘What?’ Kitty stepped forward, shaking her head. ‘No. There must be another Jess McIntyre. Check the date of birth.’
Victoria read it out—the birthday matched, but the diagnosis didn’t. ‘No. There has to be a mistake.’ Kitty reached for the edge of the barouche, steadying herself.
Anna double-checked the details. ‘It’s the right file,’ she said. ‘You didn’t know?’
Kitty shook her head. Secondaries! The cancer had spread. Why didn’t she know?
‘We need to get a chest X-ray.’
Anna wasn’t wasting time and she and Victoria wheeled Jess out of the room just as Cam arrived. Kitty could see the panic on his face. She expected she looked much the same.
‘Where are they taking her?’ he wanted to know.
‘For an X-ray. Anna thinks she might have a blockage in her lung.’ It was obvious to Kitty that Cam was nowhere near as surprised as she’d been by this news. ‘You knew she had secondaries?’
Cam nodded.
‘How long have you known?’ Kitty was struggling with the fact that Jess’s cancer had spread and yet no one had told her.
‘We only got confirmation three weeks ago.’
‘Three weeks! Why haven’t you said anything?’
‘That was Jess’s decision.’ Cam ran his fingers through his hair, making it even more dishevelled. ‘She thought you had enough to worry about, and then she wanted you and Joe to have some time together where you could just focus on him and you. She knew you’d worry and want to move back in with us. She didn’t want that.’
‘What’s her prognosis?’ Kitty was almost afraid to ask. She already knew it wouldn’t be good.
Cam’s expression was dazed when he looked at her. He was probably in shock and perhaps it was unfair of her to grill him like this right now as he had a lot on his plate, but she had to know. They should never have kept this from her.
‘The oncologist is talking weeks, a few months at best.’
Kitty sank onto a chair in the waiting room and wrapped her arms around her pregnant belly. She hadn’t thought this day could get any worse. She’d been wrong.
Cam was crying now. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks. ‘We’re just hoping she’ll be around to see the baby.’
‘Has she been having treatment?’
Cam shook his head. ‘There isn’t anything they can do except for palliative options. Radiotherapy was suggested but Jess isn’t keen.’
Kitty was stunned. Shocked. This seemed incomprehensible. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.’
‘I’m sorry, Kitty, but Jess insisted. She didn’t want you to worry,’ he said, just as Anna reappeared.
Kitty took a moment to register her return and another moment to realise Anna didn’t know who Cam was. She stood up to introduce them. ‘Anna, this is Cam, Jess’s husband. Cam, this is Dr Lewis.’
‘Is she all right?’ Cam’s question was abrupt. All sense of the social niceties had gone by the wayside, lost in the concern for his wife.
‘She’s OK.’ For now. Kitty imagined Anna’s unspoken words. ‘She has a pleural effusion. I’ve called her oncologist and we’re going to drain the fluid and hope that eases her breathing.’
‘Can I see her?’ Cam asked.
Anna nodded. ‘Briefly.’
Cam followed Anna, leaving Kitty alone. Even the baby was quiet, which just served to heighten Kitty’s sense of isolation. Was the baby asleep or in shock, like the rest of them? Kitty didn’t know. She didn’t know anything at the moment. She was swamped, drowning in emotion. She was worried for Jess but angry with her too. How could she have chosen not to tell her? Why had she chosen to keep this from her? Cam’s explanation wasn’t good enough. Jess was her sister. Kitty deserved to know.
She sank back down onto one of the plastic chairs, barely aware of how uncomfortable they were, and she was still sitting there, alone, when Joe arrived.
Kitty burst into tears when he walked through the door.
Joe rushed to her side and gathered her into his arms.
‘What’s happened?’
She knew he was expecting the worst and she fought back her tears long enough to tell him that the worst hadn’t happened. Yet.
Cam came back just as Kitty finished updating Joe. His face was ghostly white.
Kitty stood up. Icy tendrils of alarm wrapped themselves around her heart but Cam reassured her. ‘She’s OK. They’re just about to try and drain the fluid.’
Joe stayed by Kitty’s side, offering comfort, waiting until Jess’s procedure was complete.
‘That went well,’ Anna said as she came back to where they waited. ‘Jess is sleeping now. You’ll be able to see her later.’
They continued to wait. Joe held Kitty’s hand but they sat in silence. Kitty was lost in her own thoughts but took strength from Joe’s presence. As always, he was there for her in a time of crisis.
Cam went to see Jess when she woke, and he was looking more relaxed when he returned to fetch Kitty. ‘She’s asking for you,’ he said.
Jess was pale but seemed to be breathing more easily when Kitty entered the room. ‘How are you feeling?’ Jess looked better—she’d lost the blue tinge around her lips—and Kitty needed to know how she was. Any grievances Kitty had would have to wait, now was not the time to air them. ‘Are you in a lot of pain?’
‘No more than I have been for a while,’ Jess replied.
‘Cam said you could have radiotherapy. Why haven’t you done that?’
‘It’s not a cure.’
‘I know, but it might make you feel more comfortable.’
Jess gave a half-hearted smile. ‘I thought I was managing. I wanted to wait until I really needed it. But my oncologist isn’t giving me a choice now. She says I have to start treatment. The cough I can handle, but that feeling of not being able to breathe was terrifying. I don’t want to go through that again if I can help it.’
‘Good. If you can get your pain under control you’ll feel better.’ Kitty tried to focus on the practicalities, on what could actually be done, rather than the things that were out of their control. It wasn’t easy. She topped up Jess’s water glass before asking the question she really wanted answered. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I was going to,’ Jess admitted, ‘just not yet. I was trying to protect you and Cam.’
Kitty frowned. ‘Cam said you only found out a few weeks ago. How could you protect him if you found out together?’
‘The secondaries were only confirmed three weeks ago but I’d been feeling off for a while before that.’
‘And you didn’t mention anything? Not
even to Cam?’
Jess shook her head. ‘You’d just had the implantation. I didn’t want to stress anyone out, especially not you, with my concerns. I didn’t want to risk anything going wrong. And I was worried that Cam might change his mind.’
‘What—about the surrogacy?’
Jess nodded.
‘Oh, Jess,’ Kitty said as she clasped her sister’s hand, ‘I’m sure he wouldn’t have. He adores you, he’d do anything for you. So would I.’ Kitty wished, not for the first time, that she had someone in her life who adored her like Cam adored his wife.
Maybe she would still find that someone.
She didn’t doubt that Joe loved her but only in the same way he always had. He’d not given her any indication that they were anything more than friends with benefits. It would never amount to anything more between them—not when Joe had no intention of committing to anyone. That was still what Kitty was aiming for, it had been what she’d always wanted, but until she was one hundred per cent sure that commitment was absolute, she wasn’t going to give her heart away. She wanted to be loved, but it had to be for ever. And Joe didn’t do for ever.
‘I know,’ Jess replied, ‘but I thought the ethics committee and the doctors might not approve the surrogacy process if they suspected my health was deteriorating. And I was worried that if Cam thought I wasn’t well enough he might change his mind, too. He may have wanted to focus on getting me better instead of on the pregnancy. But I’m not going to get better, so—’
‘But you didn’t know that at the time!’ Kitty protested, interrupting her. ‘Maybe if you’d done something earlier?’
‘I could only handle one thing at a time, and having a baby was all I could think about. I want Cam to have something of me when I’m gone. I’m not feeling optimistic about this, and I had a feeling, a sixth sense, that things weren’t good. The pregnancy gave me something to hold onto, something to look forward to.’
Kitty was crying now. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She was hearing what Jess was telling her. She was going to lose her, too.
‘Do you think I’m being selfish?’ Jess asked.
‘No. I would have done the same thing.’ By offering to be their surrogate Kitty had done the exact same thing. Kitty understood all too well Jess’s thought process. Family was important to both of them. Jess was only trying to give Cam a family of his own.
‘You don’t think having a baby will stop Cam from being able to find happiness later on?’ Jess asked, leaving the rest of the sentence unspoken. Kitty didn’t need to hear the words, when I’m gone. ‘I am doing the right thing, aren’t I?’
‘Yes.’ Kitty didn’t want to make this any harder for Jess by burdening her with guilt. ‘Is there anything I can do for you?’
‘I don’t like to ask, but do you think you could come home now? Just until the baby is born. I don’t want to drag you away from Joe and I’ll understand if you say no, but I feel like I’m missing out on the pregnancy and it’s only a few more weeks. I don’t want to miss another moment. I don’t know how many more moments I’m going to get. But I’m planning to be around when my baby is born. I want to hold him, or her, in my arms.’
Kitty nodded. ‘Of course, I’ll come back,’ she replied without hesitation. She would do anything for Jess, even if it meant giving up Joe for now. ‘And it’s a “her”.’
‘What?’
‘You’re having a daughter.’
‘I am? Really?’ Jess broke into a wide smile and Kitty realised then it had been a while since Jess had truly looked happy. How had Kitty not noticed that?
‘Yes. Sorry, I know Cam wanted it to be a surprise but I wanted you to know.’ Kitty refused to feel guilty about sharing that news. Who knew how long Jess had left? She should know the sex of her baby if that’s what she wanted. Jess and Cam had kept the news of Jess’s health from her and Kitty refused to be the one keeping secrets. It was up to Jess now to decide whether or not to share this news with Cam. ‘I had an ultrasound at one of the student clinics and I asked them to tell me. It’s a girl.’
Jess had tears in her eyes. ‘Thank you,’ she said just as the nurse came in to tell Kitty that Jess needed to rest.
Kitty hugged her sister and left the room. Joe was talking to Cam but he stopped and they both looked at her warily as she approached.
‘What are you two discussing?’ she asked.
Joe turned to her and Kitty noticed that Cam made himself scarce before Joe spoke. ‘I think you should move back in with Jess and Cam,’ he said. ‘You’ll worry if you stay with me. Jess needs you.’
Kitty wondered if Cam and Jess had already spoken about this or if Joe was making unilateral decisions. Regardless, she already knew that she needed to move back in with Jess. Kitty felt terrible that she hadn’t noticed that Jess’s health had been deteriorating. She’d worried that Jess was too thin and had worried about the cough but had never discussed it. Had she been too caught up in her own life, in her happiness with Joe, to notice? But that wasn’t a good enough reason to have neglected her sister. She was family, and moving back to Jess and Cam’s was the right thing to do. Kitty hadn’t hesitated in agreeing with Jess just minutes earlier when she’d asked her to do exactly that, but hearing Joe suggest it was a little painful. She couldn’t help but wonder if he wasn’t a little too eager about the idea.
‘Do you want to get rid of me?’ she asked, only half-teasing.
Joe wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. ‘Not at all. But I know you will regret not spending this time with Jess.’ He was right. Jess’s time was limited. No one knew how long she had left, although nobody was brave enough to say that out loud. ‘I’ve spoken with Cam and he agrees. It’s just up to you.’
‘But how will you manage?’
‘I’ll figure something out. My splint should be off next week and then if I’m back on the road as an extra crew member I won’t be around much anyway.’
Was that a warning? Was he preparing her for what came next? She knew his relationships never lasted long. She knew he didn’t do commitment. Had he had enough?
This was exactly why she always walked away first. So that she wouldn’t have this feeling of betrayal and loss. It was all too much, but she couldn’t face dealing with that now. Jess needed her and Kitty wasn’t about to let her down. She needed to let Joe go, needed to prioritise what was important, but she couldn’t help thinking about the things Joe hadn’t said. She couldn’t stop thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Not with Jess but between her and Joe. Was this the first step towards the end?
* * *
Joe had been trying to do the right thing, sending Kitty back to live with Jess and Cam, but he’d barely seen her for the past four weeks, and there were still three weeks to go until the baby was due. Not that it would change things—Joe knew Kitty would stay with her sister for as long as she could. Until the end.
He knew he was being ridiculous, he understood the situation. Jess was the only family she had left, their time was limited, and he knew how much family meant to Kitty. Still, it hurt that she seemed to have so little time left for him, and he was surprised how keenly he was feeling her absence. He missed her. He had enjoyed the change in their relationship. But he wasn’t family and he also knew that if he wanted to be a priority for her he would have to make promises that he wasn’t sure he could keep.
And he couldn’t do that.
He couldn’t give her what she wanted, and he knew that meant he would lose her. Eventually she would choose someone else, a man who could offer her all the things she wanted—love, a future, a family of her own. Commitment.
He couldn’t be that man.
He would have to let her go.
CHAPTER NINE
‘ALL RIGHT, KITTY, you’re doing well. I can see the baby’s head. You can push with the next contraction.’
K
itty had had no idea childbirth would be this painful, but her labour had progressed quickly for a first-time mum and now it was almost over. She hoped. She was concentrating hard. Thinking about the moment the baby would be put into her arms. It stopped her from thinking about the pain.
‘You can do this, Kitty.’
‘You’re almost there.’
Cam stood on one side of her, Jess sat on the other. Jess wasn’t strong enough to stand throughout the delivery but Kitty was relieved that she was going to be able to hold her baby. She’d been determined to make that happen for Jess, and the pain she was experiencing was a small price to pay for her sister’s happiness.
Kitty knew that Joe was waiting outside the door. Cam had called him when she’d gone into labour. He’d wanted to know and Kitty was happy for him to be told, but she didn’t want him in the delivery room. She needed her energy to focus on the people who were truly invested in this.
‘All right, Kitty, push. That’s it,’ the obstetrician instructed as another contraction gripped her abdomen. She felt as though she was being crushed like a car at the wrecker’s yard but she pushed with everything she had. The sooner she delivered this baby the sooner she’d get to rest. ‘OK, hold it there.’
Kitty stopped pushing and panted. Jess was talking to her but Kitty couldn’t really understand what she was saying. She was tired and sore and all her focus was concentrated below her waist, which didn’t leave any room in her head for conversation.
‘Nearly there, Kitty. One last time. Push.’
Kitty squeezed Jess and Cam’s hands tight and, leaning forward, she pushed hard. She felt the release as she pushed the baby out of her body and she breathed out as she heard the newborn cries.
‘Congratulations, everyone,’ said the obstetrician, ‘you have a healthy baby girl.’
Kitty watched in almost a dream-like trance as the baby was passed to her. The midwife loosened Kitty’s gown at the neck so that she could rest on Kitty’s chest, skin to skin, and the baby quietened as soon as she felt that contact.
Jess reached out and slid her finger into the palm of the baby’s hand and smiled.