Falling for His Best Friend

by Emily Forbes

  ‘Cameron, are you going to cut the cord?’ the midwife asked as she clamped the cord and handed Cam the scissors.

  Cam did the honours and the midwife took the baby and swaddled her before handing her to Jess.

  They were a family.

  A family Kitty had helped them to create. An achievement that should make her proud and happy but there was underlying sadness too. She felt the loss immediately but tried to smile and say all the right things as she watched Jess and Cam cuddle her baby.

  No, not her baby. Their daughter. Eliza Kate. The baby was being named for Jess’s two sisters—Eliza and Kitty—but she would be Lizzie for short.

  Kitty had given them this gift—a family of their own—but she wasn’t quite ready to let go. It was much harder than she’d imagined. And she didn’t want to let go. Of anyone. Not of Lizzie, and not of Jess.

  And what about Joe?

  Joe had given her space, time to spend with Jess, but she missed him. He’d checked on her, called her, told her he was there for her, but she missed him physically. Her body missed him. She appreciated that he was offering emotional support but she wanted more now. She wanted everything, but she knew he couldn’t give her that. She knew their relationship was changing—had changed. She’d understood it would have a use-by date, that was how Joe operated. She just didn’t know if she was prepared for that. He was her best friend, her lover, but he couldn’t—or wouldn’t—be her partner, and she knew eventually she’d have to let him go. Or that he would leave.

  She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. She couldn’t think about Joe right now. Lizzie and Jess needed her.

  * * *

  Joe was worried about Kitty. He’d visited her in hospital every day since she’d given birth and he knew something wasn’t right. Jess had been with Kitty almost every time Joe had visited and despite the fact that Jess was terminally ill and looked tired and frail, she at least looked happy. Kitty did not.

  He’d known she would find the first few days post-partum difficult. He knew she would miss being pregnant, would miss being the mother of her baby, and he was worried that, in a way, she would perceive it as yet another loss. He’d seen the sadness in the depths of her dark eyes and he wanted to eradicate it, but he was having difficulty finding the right words. He wanted to be there for her, to offer his unwavering support, as he always had. He wanted to put a smile on her face, to promise her that her future would be bright and happy and everything she dreamed of, but the words kept getting stuck in his throat.

  He knocked quietly on the open door of her room, not wanting to disturb her if she was sleeping, but she was awake. She was feeding the baby, watching her as she suckled, and she didn’t hear him come into the room. She looked so peaceful. Joe was taken aback. He hadn’t thought about what would happen after the baby was born. He’d assumed the baby would be bottle fed, but once he’d got over his surprise he had to admit to himself that he liked to see Kitty mothering the baby.

  He stood rooted to the spot as a wave of emotion flooded him. What if that was his baby she was holding?

  The idea filled him with a longing that was almost painful. For the first time in his life he could picture a future that had more than him, alone in the frame. What if this was his future? Kitty, and a family of their own?

  He was still standing stunned and mesmerised in the doorway when Kitty looked up and saw him.

  ‘Hi. You have perfect timing,’ she said as she took Lizzie from her breast and pulled her top down. Watching her, Joe felt another pang of longing. Not sexual but visceral. He wanted Kitty. He wanted to make her his. He didn’t want to live without her. Couldn’t live without her. ‘Would you mind holding Lizzie while I have a shower?’

  She got out of bed and handed the baby to him without waiting for his answer, completely unaware of the thoughts racing through his head.

  He looked down at the tiny bundle that was swaddled in his arms and imagined she was his and Kitty’s. He knew then that this was what he wanted. He wanted Kitty to have his babies. He wanted to be part of her entire life. He wanted to feel her swollen, pregnant belly and know that part of him was within her.

  ‘I can’t put her straight down after a feed,’ Kitty was saying, ‘and I need to get ready.’

  ‘Ready for what?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m going home today.’

  ‘Home?’

  ‘To Jess and Cam’s. I’m going to express milk for Lizzie and it makes sense to all be together. Lizzie has to live with Cam and Jess for at least thirty days before they can apply to transfer her parentage.’

  Joe had seen Jess; he wasn’t sure that she’d last that long.

  ‘They don’t want time together, just the three of them?’ he asked, but as soon as the words were out of his mouth he could tell by Kitty’s expression that he’d upset her. He knew she thought he was implying she wouldn’t be welcome. He started to tell her that wasn’t what he’d meant but Kitty was already talking.

  ‘Jess needs me there.’ Kitty’s voice was tight. She was definitely upset and her eyes were still dark, haunted by pain and loss. ‘She won’t be able to manage on her own, she’s not well enough. I’m not there just to help with Lizzie, I’m going to be Jess’s palliative care nurse. Jess wants to spend time with her family and that includes me.’

  Joe’s heart ached for Kitty and for all the people she had lost and was yet to lose. His heart ached for her future. And for his. For all the things he couldn’t give her back. Was she leaving him before he could leave her?

  He hadn’t seen that coming. He’d assumed they’d be able to sort things out, but it seemed he’d been naïve. He would lose Kitty unless he could show her he could be the man she needed.

  He loved her, and he wanted to build a future with her. A future and a family of their own—and he knew there was only one way to make that happen.

  * * *

  Kitty’s life had become one long series of appointments. She seemed to spend her days waiting. Waiting for the paediatrician, the obstetrician, the oncologist, and waiting for Jess to have her radiotherapy sessions. But it wasn’t helping.

  Kitty didn’t want to admit it but she was waiting for Jess to die. They all were. Jess was struggling more every day. Struggling with the pain, struggling to breathe, struggling to talk and struggling to eat. She was fading before Kitty’s eyes and Kitty didn’t think she could bear it. The only time Jess looked at peace was when she was holding her daughter.

  Yesterday’s appointment had at least been something a bit different. They’d been to court and Lizzie’s parentage had been transferred from Kitty to Cam and Jess. Kitty was no longer officially Lizzie’s mother. Jess had got her wish—she had her daughter.

  But Kitty was scared now about what that meant. She knew that this was what Jess had been waiting for. Her sister had been barely holding on. All that had kept her going were the milestones she had created to tick off. One—the surrogacy. Two—waiting for Lizzie. Three—waiting to officially become Lizzie’s mother. And now she’d achieved all those things. She was a mother. Jess had given Cam his daughter, created a family. And now she could say goodbye.

  * * *

  Kitty’s knees buckled as Jess’s coffin was lowered into the ground. Joe’s arm tightened around her waist, supporting her, offering comfort, but he wasn’t sure she was even aware of his presence. She certainly hadn’t turned to him for support after Jess had died just over a week ago. Kitty had just locked herself away with Cam and the baby, and Joe was beginning to think she was lost to him for ever. She seemed to have cut Joe out of her life without warning.

  Kitty had gone through the entire funeral service without making a sound. She’d cried fat silent tears and had hugged people and nodded in reply to their condolences, but she hadn’t spoken a word.

  She had looked at Joe when he’d offered to drive her to the cemetery and he’
d almost expected her to refuse him, but she’d wordlessly followed him to his car and sat silently beside him for the short trip. Cam and Lizzie were being driven by Cam’s parents, who had come down to Sydney from northern New South Wales and Joe was grateful to have Kitty to himself. But what he hadn’t expected was the hollow, fragile shell of a woman who sat beside him. She’d lost weight in the past few weeks, and it was more than just the pregnancy weight. Her face had lost some of its usual roundness, her eyes were dark with grief, and her cheeks were hollow and pale. She was a shadow of her normal self.

  He had the impression that Kitty was only just holding it together. He kept his arm around her, anchoring her to the ground, anchoring her to him as Cam handed his six-week-old daughter to his mother and stepped forward. He bent down to scoop a handful of dirt from the mound at his feet and Joe watched his lips move as he bade his wife goodbye quietly before he opened his fingers and let the earth fall into the grave.

  Cam turned back to his parents and his daughter. He had his family, but Kitty had no one, and Joe’s heart ached for her.

  Kitty sobbed and turned her face in against Joe’s shoulder as the sound of the dirt hitting the coffin echoed in the hole. He didn’t know if she was aware she was leaning on him but he wasn’t going to abandon her. She had shut him out for the past six weeks, refusing to step out of the house unless it was to accompany Jess somewhere, but, as pathetic as it made him seem, he would still take any opportunity he could get to have her in his arms. He knew she felt alone, and seeing Jess being buried beside her parents and younger sister would only reinforce that. But Kitty had him. She’d always have him and he would be there for her. He knew she would need him again.

  The mourners had all begun to make their way, in silence, back to their cars, but Kitty hadn’t moved. She was standing still, staring at the ground.

  Joe didn’t know if she had seen everyone starting to leave. They were all going back to Cam’s house for the wake. He didn’t know if Kitty intended on going back there but, then again, where else would she go? That was where she was living.

  ‘Kitty?’

  ‘Can you give me a minute?’ she said as she pulled away from him.

  He let her go. She might have been standing a few inches away from him but emotionally he felt as though there was a chasm separating them. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her smile, heard her laugh. He missed her, desperately. The light inside her had dimmed and his heart ached for her and everything, everyone, she’d lost.

  He needed her back. He needed to reach out, build a bridge over that chasm and get her back. For her sake and his.

  He watched and waited as she went to each of the other graves—her mother’s, her father’s, her baby sister’s. Joe could see fresh flowers at the base of their gravestones and he realised Kitty had already visited the cemetery today. She must have placed the flowers there.

  He watched from a distance as she bent and took a flower from each grave. She hadn’t asked for his support, but he still waited and watched, feeling as if his heart might break. Kitty had always seemed fragile and he was worried that Jess’s death might be the final straw. The thing that would finally break her. He would do anything to protect her but he had never felt so useless. All he could do was to stay close by, to be there if she needed him.

  She sank onto the ground, kneeling beside the freshly dug grave and, one by one, she dropped each flower into the hole to land on Jess’s coffin.

  She sat quietly for a few minutes before eventually standing and coming back to Joe. Her eyes were red-rimmed.

  ‘Shall we go?’ he asked as he took a freshly laundered handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her.

  He didn’t ask if she was ready to leave. He didn’t ask if she was OK. He knew she was neither of those things but she couldn’t stay here for ever. Everyone would be expecting her back at Cam’s house. She may not want to speak to anyone, and if that was the case Joe would protect her, shield her, make excuses for her, but he knew she would want to be close to Lizzie. It would make her feel connected to Jess.

  She nodded and let him take her hand.

  He drove her to Cam’s house and did all the things that no one else had the energy to manage. He provided endless cups of tea and coffee, spoke to the caterers, topped up people’s drinks and tidied away dirty dishes.

  Having baby Lizzie there was a good distraction but Joe could see Kitty getting antsy as Cam’s mother monopolised the baby. Joe couldn’t blame her. Lizzie was her first, and probably only, grandchild, but he knew that Kitty felt a connection that no one else did when it came to the baby.

  As Cam and Jess’s friends started to leave, Joe managed to persuade Kitty to go for a walk with him. He thought she might need some space, and he needed to talk to her. They didn’t get further than the park down the street, but sitting on the park bench in the quiet of twilight gave them a chance to talk without interruption.

  ‘Cam’s father told me they’re planning on staying in Sydney for a while to give Cam a hand,’ he said as he sat beside Kitty. ‘What are your plans?’ He kept his gaze fixed on a gum tree in the distance, unfocussed and non-confrontational, as he asked his question.

  ‘I can’t make plans,’ Kitty replied flatly. She sounded upset and confused and he was worried about her. He knew she struggled to cope with situations like this—losing people she loved.

  ‘You’re welcome to move back in with me if you like. Let Cam have some time with his family and the baby?’

  ‘I’m his family too,’ she replied. ‘I’m Lizzie’s mother.’

  ‘You’re her aunt, Kitty.’ He knew the paperwork had been signed, officially transferring Lizzie’s parentage to Cam and Jess. Kitty was Lizzie’s birth mother but she had no claim on her now.

  Kitty was shaking her head. ‘I can’t leave the baby. She’s all I have left.’

  Joe should have seen this coming. He knew Kitty had a fear of being abandoned herself. She’d lost first her younger sister, then her parents, and now Jess. He knew she saw the baby as a part of her. In a way, the baby was a part of her—but not one she got to keep. He couldn’t believe no one had seen this coming. Wasn’t this the sort of thing that should have been anticipated from the counselling sessions prior to the surrogacy? He could understand how a baby would satisfy Kitty’s need to have someone to love, to have someone who wouldn’t leave her. Was it any wonder she was having difficulty letting Lizzie go? But Lizzie wasn’t the child that would fix all this. Kitty needed to move on. She needed to create a life for herself. A family for herself. She didn’t get to keep Jess’s.

  ‘I understand you’re sad, Kitty, I know you’re hurting, but you can’t be a substitute for Jess. Cam and Lizzie were her life. Her family. You need to have your own.’

  ‘I know you think you understand, Joe, but you don’t know what it’s like to lose everybody. I can’t let them go too.’

  ‘I can help you, Kitty. Come home with me.’

  ‘Please don’t make this about you, Joe. I can’t think about you at the moment.’ She stood up from the bench and started walking.

  Joe walked with her, in silence. He couldn’t let her go alone, but who was he to say she was wrong about him not understanding what it was like. One thing Joe knew he did understand was her, but he couldn’t stop the feeling that Kitty was removing herself emotionally from him. He’d always been there for her, available to pick up the pieces, but maybe she didn’t want that any more.

  Maybe she didn’t want him.

  She was walking away but he wasn’t prepared to let her go. He couldn’t. She was upset but he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, abandon her. He knew that was her greatest fear and he wasn’t about to leave her too. But he knew it wasn’t only up to him.

  If Kitty chose to walk away there wasn’t much he could do.

  * * *

  Kitty missed Joe, but she was tryin
g desperately to hold onto her family, or what she had left of them. She missed him terribly but she couldn’t bring herself to abandon Lizzie and Cam. She needed them and she was certain they needed her. They would always be family. In her mind that meant they were there to stay. Until death do us part. She’d only been parted from the rest of her family by death. She would hold onto them with everything she had. Even if that meant giving up Joe. He didn’t need her. Not like Lizzie did. She needed to stay strong for Lizzie.

  Normally she would have relied on Joe to give her that strength, but she didn’t want to depend on him now. He wouldn’t be there for her for ever. For ever was a long time. Eventually she would have to manage without him, and she should start getting used to it now. Their relationship wasn’t serious. It wasn’t ever going to last. He would never commit—she knew they wanted different things in life, and she couldn’t expect him to hang around. At some point he’d grow bored with her, or see something better. He’d told her that’s exactly what his parents did and he was convinced he was cut from the same cloth. Kitty had no reason to doubt him. As long as she’d known him he’d never had a long-term relationship.

  Neither had she.

  She’d ruined their friendship by sleeping with him, but she couldn’t deal with that reality along with Jess’s death. She had to put Joe to one side. She’d deal with the consequences later, when she was stronger.

  She missed him but she didn’t want to see him.

  Every time she did she had to fight the urge to run into his arms. Every time she saw him, it felt like her heart was breaking and then she had to start the whole process of getting over him again. She wasn’t sure what hurt more—losing Jess or losing Joe—but she had no choice. She knew she had deliberately cut him out of her life, but she figured that eventually the pain would ease. She was hoping so.

  This heartache would pass. It had to.

  She bent her head to kiss the soft, downy hair on Lizzie’s head. She breathed in the baby smell as she rearranged her clothes. She had been breastfeeding Lizzie but the baby had now fallen asleep and Kitty need to put her back in her bassinette. No one knew she was still breastfeeding. She was expressing milk so that Cam could feed his daughter too but Kitty loved the closeness she felt when she was feeding Lizzie and she didn’t want to give that up, so she volunteered for the midnight feed when the house was quiet and she and Lizzie could have their moment. She whispered her thoughts to Lizzie at the same time.