Christine put her arm around his shoulder, and he patted her hand. They’d probably been more affectionate with each other in fifteen minutes than they had in almost a decade of knowing each other. It was bizarre, but palliative.
“I couldn’t carry her. And she knew – we both knew – what our only option was. But I wasn’t going to suggest it.”
He turned his head away. Christine might tolerate him better than she had previously, but he didn’t want to break down in front of her. “Caroline was the one who had to say it. I didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to accept it. She told me to go on without her. I didn’t want to do it. But…”
“Jack,” Christine said quietly. “It’s okay.”
“I left her,” he whispered. “I left her to die in the woods.”
She rested her head on his shoulder. “How many times did she have to tell you to leave?”
“I don’t know, three or four. Maybe more. I couldn’t believe what she was asking me to do. I kept trying to talk her out of it but she wouldn’t listen. She gave me her wedding rings. She said if I didn’t leave and we both got caught she’d never forgive me.”
“I can practically hear her telling you that.” Christine let out a tiny laugh, then sobered. “I’m sorry, Jack. You probably don’t find that funny.”
He didn’t, but the way she said it made him smile. “It might be a little amusing,” he conceded.
She brought both of her arms around him and kept her head on his shoulder. “You need to let go of this.”
He didn’t push her away. “You know, you’re a lot more physically demonstrative than I remember.”
“My frigid demeanor has been warmed by the presence of your children the past two years. I feel obligated to be more huggy now.”
“It still feels a bit odd.”
Christine withdrew from him. “Fine. I’ll continue to share my newfound effusiveness with your wife.”
They were silent for a few moments, the familiar tension returning.
“You did what she asked you to do,” Christine said. “What she told you to do.”
“I should have never left her.”
“I presume she was quite convincing.”
Jack leapt to his feet. “Does it matter? I left and she was captured. They did incredibly unspeakable things to her because I wasn’t man enough to stay.”
Christine looked him squarely in the eyes. “Actually, that was one of the bravest things you could have done.”
“It sure as hell doesn’t feel that way.”
“How many times did you try to go back?”
Ten. Twenty. A million. “I lost track. I didn’t know where I was relative to her. All I knew was that I had to keep moving somehow.”
“And she blames you for this? That seems surprising.”
“At first she did, or at least I thought she did.”
Christine pressed her fingers to her temples. “She blamed herself, didn’t she?”
“Still does.”
“How long did it take you to figure it out?”
Too long. “A while,” he said. “Care to rub it in that I wasn’t as quick on the uptake as you are?”
“I would never do that. It’s much easier to see the truth when you aren’t one of the parties involved. Easier to blame yourself rather than look for external reasons. And I know your wife pretty well.” She smiled shyly. “Must know you better than I thought, too.”
“What would you have done?”
Christine let out a small sigh. “Both choices are equally awful.”
He wasn’t going to reveal too much more. That was deeply personal. And if Caroline spilled the beans, he’d never want to find out. “We’ve had to work through some things since then.”
“I can imagine.”
“It hasn’t been easy. She’s come a long way in the past few months. She almost gave up. I know there’s something she’s not telling me. Maybe she’ll tell you.”
“I’m not going to give you the details if she does. You and I aren’t exactly confidants.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he snapped. He realized how harsh he sounded and softened his voice. “You’re her best friend, Christine. She’s missed you terribly. There are limits to what I can give her.”
“You’ve done more for her than you think.”
“She has nightmares,” Jack whispered. “Not often but they’re terrifying.” His voice broke. “I don’t think she’s ever going to be the same.”
Christine put her arm around him. “Any normal person is forever altered by a tragedy or they wouldn’t be human. And Caroline was always a very sensitive, sentimental woman. But she’s strong. She’ll find a way.”
The tears in his eyes were obvious. Humiliating. But he knew she’d understand. “This is hard for me to ask. I don’t know exactly what you can do but…will you help me? With her?”
“Am I the first person you’ve talked to about this?”
As if she didn’t know the answer. He nodded.
“I’m not sure what that says about either of us,” Christine said.
It was the kind of thing he should have told Natalie. “What can I say? It’s lonely at the top.”
“I bet there aren’t a lot of marriage counselors hanging out wherever you’re at.”
“We have one friend who helped both of us tremendously but she’s not a psychotherapist.”
Christine rearranged herself on the bed so she was facing him. “Jack, I haven’t treated you fairly.”
Shit. He did not want to have this conversation with her. Things had gotten awkward enough. “Christine, you don’t have to-”
She cut him off. “I’ve had a long time to think about this, and now I get to say all the things I wanted to say, to both you and Caroline. I took your kids and got them out of Harrisburg. I did that for her. And for them, but mostly for her. But I never gave you a fair shot. Ever. You and I would fight like cats and dogs. I could see it was breaking her heart and did it anyway.”
She was shouldering too much of the blame. “We both did,” he said. “I don’t remember stopping it.”
“Don’t steal my thunder. I didn’t like you. I’m still not sure I like you. But that wasn’t my place. Your wife was and is one of the most important people in my life. I had no right to treat you that way. She loves you. That should have been enough.”
“You had your reasons. There may have even been a hint of validity to them.”
“That’s no excuse.”
A refreshing admission, too long in coming. For both of them. “You wouldn’t be yourself if you hadn’t tried to protect her.” He grinned. “Even though it’s fairly obvious you were way off the mark.”
“Let’s not go crazy.”
Jack cocked an eyebrow at her. “You like me. You can admit it.”
“Fine,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “I no longer find you distasteful.”
Indifference sounded like a win to him. “May I quote you on that?”
“Always.” Christine glanced over at a photo of her and Caroline on the nightstand. “It must be crazy living this way, given her ability to get herself into trouble.”
Indeed. “Being married to a stubborn, well-armed, determined woman isn’t easy when the world is crumbling and you’re trying to stop it.”
“It seems like she’s managed to get herself almost killed more than a few times.”
“At least three,” he said. “That means she has several lives left, right?”
“I’d assume so.” She patted his hand again, preemptively grabbing a tissue from the box on the nightstand. “Jack, I’m everlastingly grateful you protected Caroline and brought her back to me. Thank you.”
Ugh. If she cried any more he’d need a tissue too. Maybe he was getting too soft. “I’m not sure I protected her all that much.”
“You did the best you could in an impossible situation.”
There was another picture on her nightstand. Of her family. Her other fa
mily. “I’m sorry about Tom and Jess,” he said. “They were wonderful people. They sacrificed themselves for you and the girls and that is a debt I can never repay.” She let out a strangled sob and Jack pulled her into his arms. “I’m sorry, Christine. I shouldn’t have brought that up. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Jack. We knew the risks. It’s just…been hard.”
Pain took different forms, was processed in different ways. Even the most resilient of souls knew it well. “I know.”
“I don’t think there’s a comparison between our situations.”
He let go of her, handing her another tissue. “Could you have imagined any of this happening four years ago?”
“What, me living with your kids in Canada, or the two of us having a civil conversation?”
Jack chuckled. “Both, I guess.”
Christine gathered her tissues and threw them in the wastebasket. “I won’t complain either way. Take miracles when they come, because they’re few and far between.”
He certainly would.
Chapter Seventeen
Christine insisted on giving Jack and Caroline some alone time. Jack wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, but suspected she would force him to sleep in her room that night while she took the couch. He’d learned not to argue, especially when she was no longer quibbling with him. She meant the gesture sincerely. He’d damn well take a private moment with his wife when he could get it.
“Christine made me promise not to do anything inappropriate with you in here,” he said, closing the bedroom door and leaning against it.
“I’m not sure if that’s much of a promise. She knows what your standards are.”
“Oh, really?”
She tugged at his sleeve. “I may have told a few stories.”
He kissed her cheek. “Only the good ones, I hope.” Damn, that bed looked comfortable. When was the last time he’d been on a quality mattress? He resisted the urge to shake his head, knowing his elitism was poking through. And his wife must have known what he was thinking because she very dramatically swooped onto the bedspread, resting her chin on a pillow.
“In case you’re wondering, this is super cozy,” Caroline said. “Like, high thread counts and a nice fleece blanket and goose down and-”
“I get the idea.” He settled in next to her, pleased when she rolled into his arms. “How are you feeling, sweetheart? Been a rough day.”
A full body shudder followed by a cluck of resignation. “Could have been worse.”
She was feeling the aftereffects. “You were thinking about The Fed the first time you heard his voice. I saw you stiffen.” He didn’t bother framing his observation as a question.
Caroline sniffled. “Yeah.” She held up her hands. “I was thinking about this.”
Jack kissed her fingers. “You’re more than what he did to you.”
“I know,” she said quietly.
He was determined not to let her forget it. Even if he had to repeat it a thousand times. “Was it strange, seeing him?”
“A little. None of us reacted well.”
Jack was still disappointed in himself. The urge for retribution was natural, maybe even justified, but the outcome would have been terrible. “We need to work on that.”
Caroline burrowed into his chest. “Let’s start being better people tomorrow. Right now I just want to forget everything.”
“I miss this,” he said. “Us spending time together.”
“You miss sex.”
That part of their relationship wasn’t terrible, but… “I miss you. And me. Relaxing, unwinding, not having to be on guard all the time.”
“You haven’t found a way to relax here?”
He could hear the laughter in her voice. “Not yet.”
She hugged him closer. “We have to decide our next move,” she whispered.
California was only a flight away, but it was more than miles. He didn’t want to think about it. The Hague had been a vacation but Canada was a dream. Maybe they could buy a Jeep and trek up to the Yukon Territory and the five of them could hide out for as long as they needed. Until the shit hit someone else’s fan.
But he’d thought about it. He had to. Made a couple of calls. If he and Caroline were going anywhere, their family was going with them.
“We don’t have to do it now,” he said. “Let me just hold you for a while.”
“Have I told you how swell you are?” she asked.
He rubbed her back. “Hmm…you’ve told me how much you loved me, what a good man I am, mentioned something about a sexy professor, but I’m not entirely sure you’ve ever said I’m swell.”
“You are. You’re a good kisser too.”
“Oh, really?” He pressed his lips to hers. “Like this?”
She ran her fingers through his hair. “That’s just a peck. You can do better.”
“We promised our gracious host that we’d behave ourselves.”
She crawled on top of him. “You did that. I promised no such thing.”
They had to be responsible. Even if that breathtaking red hair made him want to rip off all her clothes. “Caroline-”
“Wanna make out?”
He turned the tables, taking her with him as he rolled over on the bed. They’d spend the afternoon holding each other, the night doing the same thing. And he’d enjoy every damn minute of it. “Hell, yes.”
*****
Christine and Jack made the five of them dinner. All Caroline heard was friendly banter coming from the kitchen. Amazing. The girls retired shortly after the meal, claiming fatigue. Given the day’s events, it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. Sophie had been quiet when the three of them chatted. Marguerite tried to prod her into more concrete responses, but Caroline’s youngest daughter just wanted to hug her, avoiding all of the tough questions. Translation: she didn’t want to let her parents go, which made Caroline feel even guiltier. Jack was watching television in the living room and catching up on a few emails, so Caroline was hiding out in Christine’s bedroom.
“Jack needs to sleep more,” she said. “He spends too much time focused on me.”
“Enjoy it,” Christine said. “That man is completely taken with you. Maybe even more than he used to be.”
“Since when are you so gung ho about my husband?”
“I talked to him today while you were with Maggie and Soph. I didn’t want to claw his eyes out.”
“That’s progress.”
“You two are staying in here tonight. Together.”
Well, then. “Must have been quite a conversation if you’re offering up your bed.”
“You need that quiet time. As much as I adore you, I’m perfectly fine on the couch. I assume you two were able to control yourselves this afternoon?”
He managed to goad her into removing her shirt. Fooling around like high schoolers had its merits, except now she was eager to disrobe even further once they had more than a few hours alone. “Of course, Chrissy. We’re polite and respectful guests.”
Christine laughed. “I suppose you are. Based on what I discussed with him, I’d like to talk to you about a few things, if that’s okay.”
“We’re going to have heart to hearts every night, aren’t we?”
“We have a lot of catching up to do. And neither of us seems to sleep very well.”
Valid points. “Ask away, Chrissy.”
“Don’t sound so put out. We don’t have to talk. We can seethe in our self-loathing and ponder our existence, doing our very best to fend off the bad dreams instead.”
What a charming phrasing. “Just get on with it.”
“Tell me more about what happened when you went to California.”
Shit. She had left out a few pertinent details, hadn’t she? Gabe was a long story, but she tried. Kept it short. Caroline could tell Christine was disappointed in her.
“Go ahead,” she said. “Lay into me.”
Christine rubbed her temples. “I don’t know where t
o start. How’d Jack react when you told him the truth?”
“He was hurt. I’m still trying to make up for it.”
“I don’t think he’s holding a grudge. Not a resentful bone in that man’s body when it comes to you.”
“I treated Jack terribly, Chrissy. I really did. I had all this anger inside me and directed it at him, even though he didn’t deserve it. I said so many horrible things. Worse than when Nicky died.”
Christine shook her head. “You were pretty foul then. I can’t imagine how you could top it.”
“I did. Numerous times.”
“Jack feels rotten about what happened in the woods. You know that, don’t you?”
“I know. I keep telling him to forgive himself.”
“What about you? Have you forgiven yourself?”
Of course she would ask the hard questions. Caroline had gotten off easy the night before. “I shouldn’t have made him leave.”
“What would you have done if the roles were reversed?”
She never wanted to think about that. Not for too long. The past few days had been better than she’d felt in forever, and she wasn’t about to fuck that up. “What would you have done?”
“Jack asked me the same thing,” Christine said. “I can’t answer that question. You can be pretty damned persuasive when you want to be.”
At least she was diplomatic enough not to force the issue. “It wasn’t fair to force him to make that choice.”
“None of this is fair. We just have to move on from it.”
“That’s what Natalie said.” Caroline smiled. “She reminds me of Katie.”
Christine patted her hand. “Kathleen was a fun one, wasn’t she?”
“I miss her,” Caroline said quietly. “I try not to think about it.”
“Then take a break. You’re allowed to stop taking on the world’s problems every once in a while.”
“Hard to do that.”
“I know. Your devotion to public service is a bit extreme.”
Caroline nudged her shoulder. “Jerk.”
“I kid because I love.”
Didn’t she know it. “What do you really think of all of this?”
“Of what?”
“Everything that’s happened over the last few days.”
Triumph (The Bellator Saga Book 6) Page 19