“It’s a lot to absorb,” Christine admitted. “I’m working on it. If I hadn’t been so shocked to see you, I probably would have been terrified.”
“Why?”
“You’re a little rough around the edges. And today, what happened with Murdock…that threw me.”
“You’re the one who kicked him in the groin.”
“No thanks to you. You practically lifted my knee for me.”
She would have done it herself had Christine not volunteered for the assignment. “I always wanted to go high,” Caroline said. “In politics, in life, whatever. They’d go low, they’d get dirty, and I was never supposed to get down in the mud with them, you know? But you can’t reason with unreasonable people. There’s no common ground in that sort of disagreement. The lines are never going to meet, even if they’re headed toward each other. I thought we could discover a sense of harmony, could make some sort of human connection if we tried hard enough. But I was naïve. There were so many things I took for granted. So many things I thought I’d have time to do. And now I’ve done things I never thought I would. Those hard truths change you, Chrissy. You may have changed in a different way but you’ve seen the darkness too.”
“That’s never a reason to succumb to it.”
She dared to get self-righteous? Caroline was tempted to call out her hypocrisy but didn’t want to start an argument. “Sometimes it’s unavoidable. Tell me what’s really bothering you.”
“What’s bothering me is you’re so different. And not in entirely good ways.”
As if Caroline didn’t know that. Fuck restraint. Fatigue and fading adrenaline loosened her tongue. “I’ve seen a lot of shit. Too much shit. If I go down, I’ll go down fighting. It’s easy for you to sit up here waiting for us to do everything, but you don’t want to deal with the practical effects.”
Christine pushed herself off the bed and indignantly flung up her hands. “You know what, you’re right. I haven’t done anything to help you in any way, have I? It’s not like I left everything behind, all my friends, my livelihood, my home, my heritage, because I made a promise to you to guard your children. It’s not like my husband and daughter sacrificed themselves to get your kids across the border, or I had to traipse through the hinterlands with only the clothes on my back, worrying about what lay ahead, wondering whether you and Jack were safe, wondering how I was ever going to explain what was going on to Maggie and Soph, hoping I could get them to safety. It’s not like I’ve spent nights worrying whether I’d be able to raise them properly, whether I was answering their questions correctly, whether I was teaching them the right values, whether I was doing anything the way you’d want me to. To make sure they remembered who you were, to think about what to do as they got older. What I’d do if they began to forget your voice and your spirit and how much you loved them.” The words kept tumbling from her mouth and her voice began to shake. “I haven’t seen the devastation that’s going on in a country that I love with everything that’s in me, forced to contemplate that the America I thought I knew never existed. I haven’t woken up in the middle of the night screaming out for you or Tom or Jessie, feeling sick about how the three of you suffered at the hands of a regime determined to erase everything good and true. You’re right. I haven’t done a damn thing. It’s all been sunshine and fucking daisies up here.”
Caroline had phrased her accusation poorly. And unfairly. Christine hadn’t deserved it. She’d proved her loyalty and dedication to the cause a thousand times over. “Chrissy-”
“No.” Christine pointed an accusing finger in her direction. “You don’t get to talk. I get to talk. You and Jack charge in here out of nowhere, you haven’t given me any specifics about your game plan or how you intend to execute it, and now I’m left to wonder how I’m going to explain things to your children when you disappear in the middle of the night, which I know you’re bound to do.”
Was that what this was about? Apprehension about being separated again? “We have a job to finish. We have to stop Santos.”
“That’s what you do, isn’t it? You do incredibly noble but unbelievably stupid things all the time without thinking of the consequences. Maybe just once you could think about the effect it has on the people who love you. My God, Caroline, how many times have you almost been killed because of your prized sense of decency? How am I going to explain it to your children if you leave and don’t come back? How am I going to live with that?”
Caroline jumped up and took Christine’s hands. “You don’t need to think about that now.”
Christine bit her lip. “Of course I do. I know you’re not staying. You and Jack have a job to finish, I get that. I just….I got you back and I don’t want to lose you again.”
Echoes of her husband’s words. Of her daughter’s words. No matter what Caroline did, she was disappointing someone who loved her. It was more than the potential of separation. Christine was deeply upset about something. “What’s really, truly bothering you? If it’s something that involves yelling at me, please count to ten first.”
Christine sat down on the bed. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
“That’s never a good line.”
“No, this time it’s really true.” She smiled, just a little. Not a happy smile. “Lately I’ve been questioning my role in the girls’ lives. In the job I’ve done. Now that you and Jack are here, I realize I’m not nearly the guardian they need.”
“That’s not true.”
“You chose the two of us because of Tom, right?”
Oh, Christ. Was that the issue? Caroline slid next to her on the bedspread. “I chose both of you.”
Christine reached for a tissue. “I was never all that great a mother.”
Yeah, she’d hit the nail on the head. Some insecurities never went away. They were going to need an industrial size box of tissues after the two days they’d had. “Of course you were. What a thing to say about yourself.”
“I haven’t told Susannah I’m alive. She thinks I’m dead, I’m sure.”
That was curious. There had to be a benign way to get word to her. “Why not?”
“I just-” This was clearly a topic Christine didn’t want to discuss. But hell, she’d opened the door. “I can’t.”
“Chrissy-” The more Caroline thought about it, the more disconcerted she felt. “You haven’t contacted her in two years?”
“That’s what I just said.”
Caroline knew Susannah and Christine had their moments. She’d witnessed many of them. But for Chrissy to let her daughter think she was dead? That seemed cold even for her. “She’s in Paris. She’d want to know you’re alive. You should reach out. I’m sure she’d be overjoyed.”
Christine shook her head vigorously. “It’s better if she thinks I’m dead. She’s safer that way.”
“Are you ever going to talk to her again?”
Christine clutched at the bedspread. “You think I made the wrong choice.”
“No. I’m trying to understand it. There are ways to keep her out of harm’s way and still have a relationship with you.”
“We never got along well. And you know what it was like between me and Jess.”
Her body language. Her demeanor. Her mood. Christine wasn’t ignoring Susannah on purpose. She was desperate to make contact. Her insecurity was guiding her decision making, and not in good ways. Just how much had she internalized over the years? “Chrissy, you’re not a bad mother.”
“They were both so close to Tom,” she said quietly. “He was a phenomenal father. Like Nick.”
“Nicky was a great daddy. But Jack’s done all right.”
“He has,” Christine said. “Better than I would have thought. But the girls were always so much closer to Thomas than they were to me.” She hugged a pillow to her chest. “I was terrified when the three of us first got here, because I knew you had been counting on the fact that it would be both me and Tom.”
“Things don’t always work out as planned. That’s why
I chose you, Chrissy. I knew you’d find a way to make it work regardless of the circumstances. You’re strong and smart, and my children trust you. That’s enough.”
“I wish I had met someone like you when I was in medical school.”
“What, when I was like, ten?”
Christine laughed softly. “No, if we’d been the same age. And if you’d been around when Susannah was born. Maybe my children would have turned out better if I’d had that kind of influence.”
Except sometimes her influence was shit. “Yeah, throwing your children to the wolves is good mothering.”
“Punky, you did what you had to do. Haven’t you learned anything the past couple of days? They’re fantastic kids. And they’re so much like you.”
Such a nice thing for a friend to say. Caroline could almost believe her. “I’m not sure what makes a good parent, but so much of it is trial and error. None of us know what we’re doing at first. I don’t know what I’m doing now, almost twenty years after I started. Motherhood is a slow dance toward insanity, Chrissy. You don’t know whether you’re fucking up or not. And look how Susannah turned out. Look at the kind of person Jess was. Kids don’t get that way by accident.”
“Tom and I only got married because I was pregnant,” Christine said bluntly.
Caroline hadn’t expected that transition. Not quite yet. She certainly didn’t want to admit she’d always suspected as much.
Christine twisted her hands in her lap. “I almost made a terrible decision before that.”
Was she supposed to pursue that, or let Christine take the lead? Caroline went with the latter, nodding silently.
“I’ve never told anyone this,” Christine whispered. “I lived my entire political life fearing the truth would come out.”
She might not want to prod her, but Caroline didn’t want Christine to push herself over the edge. They’d shared so many secrets, with scores in reserve. Maybe they needed a break. “Chrissy-”
“My husband was the only one who ever knew.”
Then again, maybe Christine needed to tell someone. Someone who was present. Who knew her. Who would be there if she needed it. “What happened?” Caroline asked softly.
“I met Thomas right after we started medical school,” Christine said. “He liked me right away. I don’t know why. I was an even bigger bitch then than I am now.” She held up a finger. “Don’t bother correcting me.”
Caroline swallowed the compliment she’d planned. “Okay.”
“It didn’t hurt that I was relatively good-looking,” Christine said. “I don’t say that to be egotistical. I know that’s the main reason men found me interesting. It certainly wasn’t because I had a good personality.”
“I like your personality,” Caroline said.
“You wouldn’t have, back then. I was alarmingly ambitious. Full of myself. Tom didn’t care about that. We started dating almost as soon as we started classes.”
“I’m not all that good of a Catholic girl,” Christine continued. “No matter what you think, no matter how Thomas joked about it. One night after some holiday party he and I – well, we forgot to take precautions. We were completely blitzed. It was such a cliché that one mistake could result in an unplanned pregnancy. I panicked. I figured it out over Winter Break and was terrified my parents would discover the truth. I almost didn’t tell Tom.”
Caroline squeezed Christine’s shoulder. “What made you tell him?”
“Thomas was always a better person than me. Always. I didn’t think it was fair to keep it from him. But all I kept thinking was – I went through so much to get here. I scraped and scrabbled and worked my ass off then went and fucked it all by getting myself knocked up. My father would have never let me hear the end of it, because he knew damn well I’d end up a failure eventually. What was I supposed to do? I wasn’t even sure how I felt about Tom.” Her voice broke. “But he loved me already.”
“He helped me make the appointment,” she said quietly. “He drove me to the clinic. It was so cold that day. It was nasty out but I wanted to get it over with. I’d already lost enough sleep and knew if I didn’t do it soon I’d never be able to go through with it. I kept my hand on the door handle. I was ready to go inside, but couldn’t quite bring myself to get out of the car. I told him I didn’t want him to come in with me, and he was upset about that. And then he grabbed my arm and told me not to do it, that he wanted to marry me.”
“I thought he was kidding. We were barely a few months in. We hardly knew each other. We had the rest of medical school, residencies, student loan payments, all those far off burdens you try not to dwell on when you’re young and impulsive. And we were going to saddle ourselves with a marriage based on flawed circumstances, with a child neither of us was equipped to care for? Then I looked at him, at the unconditional love in his eyes. And I knew I couldn’t go through with it. If I did I’d never be able to forgive myself because of what it would have done to him.” Christine started crying. “I didn’t even think about the life growing inside me. Can you imagine what Susannah would do if she knew? I’m so very selfish. I don’t deserve any of you. I’m a terrible hypocrite.”
Well, yes. But who wasn’t? “We’re all hypocrites,” Caroline said. “We all make mistakes. And sometimes people keep us from making them even worse. Maybe that’s why Tom was the one for you. Did you ever think of that?”
“Sometimes.”
“No matter which choice you made, it would have been the right one. You shouldn’t dwell on what might have been. That’s why having the choice is so critical.”
Christine smiled. “I’m impressed by your restraint. I expected an extended lecture.”
“With charts?” Caroline asked.
“I wouldn’t put anything past you.”
Caroline could work in the merits of bodily autonomy and reproductive rights some other time. Maybe once they sorted out all the other issues preventing freedom from flowering. “You had the choice. You wrestled with it. You settled on the best decision for you in light of all the circumstances. I don’t see how I could lecture you for that.”
“You’re too magnanimous.” Christine stared at her hands. “Sometimes I wonder if Tom would have married me without the prospect of an unplanned pregnancy.”
Jesus. Her demons were starting to eat themselves. “Chrissy, come on. Tom adored you.”
“I know. I just wonder if it was based on forced circumstance or genuine desire.”
“Does it matter?”
Christine shook her head. “We eloped the next weekend. We fudged the dates so no one would suspect, but I think my parents knew. Susannah probably has her suspicions.”
“But you made it through.”
“Barely. Those first few years were so hard, mostly because of me. I should have never criticized your relationship with Jack. I spent my entire life passing judgment when I had no right to.”
Ah, even more enlightenment. Their conversations were getting to be downright Zen. They’d been hugging a lot lately but this was one time when her best friend needed to be held. Caroline wrapped her arms around her. “Chrissy, human beings are by definition flawed and imperfect. You think you’re the first person to do that? I’ve done it too.”
“It doesn’t matter. My life is a lie.”
Perhaps just a slight overdramatization. “No, it’s not. You don’t have to apologize for being who you are. You’ve made all your decisions, good or bad, with love. I get that. I’m sure Jack would understand too.”
“Oh, I already apologized to Jack. It was a long time coming.”
She would have damn near sold her soul to be in the room when that had happened. Caroline rested her chin on Christine’s shoulder. “It’s been a long night. But I want to make sure you know something. I meant everything I said when I told you about the guardianship. You’re my sister. I would not have trusted you with that responsibility if I didn’t believe you would teach my daughters to be kind, loving, decent human beings. I love you for
it. I always will. So, dammit, I don’t ever want to hear any diffident anecdotes about your mothering skills ever again.”
“But-”
“Nope. Never again. No pity parties. You’re a fantastic human being. I don’t pick friends who suck. Stop blaming yourself for everything.”
“Isn’t that what you do, too?”
“This isn’t about me. But I promise not to self-deprecate so much if you agree that you have more than a few redeeming qualities.”
“Deal.” Christine gave Caroline a hug before heading to the dresser to get her nightgown. “I’m taking the couch. Go get a good night’s rest with your husband.”
Chapter Eighteen
Caroline liked not having to worry about things. A meeting with the Prime Minister and the American ex-pat leadership was set for the next day. She and her family were safely ensconced in a locked-down apartment building. Her bodyguards were receiving additional training from the Prime Minister’s security detail.
She’d spent the night in Jack’s arms. Warm. Safe. Comforting. Physical affection was so reassuring, so right. Recharging her emotional batteries in the most effective way. It was hard to get out of bed the following morning. But then she remembered she was with her family and needed to take advantage while she could. That meant she and Jack were free to relax with their children for the afternoon and evening, all while leaving the silent question unanswered. The elephant in the room. The tension that, though latent, was growing. Everyone could feel it but no one commented on it. When Marguerite and Sophie sloughed off to bed that night, she had her opening.
Caroline sat down at the kitchen table with Jack and Christine. “You should make some coffee, Chrissy. It may be a long night.”
Christine took her hand. “You’ve been jittery all day. What’s bothering you?”
Everything. Caroline turned to Jack. “How safe would Chrissy and the girls be if they were with us?”
“You mean here or in California?”
He had to see the road she was going down. “Both, but mostly on base.”
Triumph (The Bellator Saga Book 6) Page 20