My Brilliant Life
Page 17
I’m told that when I was little I liked peekaboo. I would laugh when my dad popped out from behind a door and said “Peekaboo!” and laugh even louder when he hid and popped back out again. I read in a book that peekaboo is a way for the child to learn that objects that you can no longer see didn’t disappear. Can you believe that we all have to learn something that basic? How do all those little dummies later become engineers and scholars? I always consider myself as having been myself from the beginning, but then I think about the many people who have helped me become who I am.
I’m writing to you now because I have something to tell you. I may not be able to write to you in the future. I’m in the ICU. But to prepare for when I leave, I’ll keep thinking about what I’ll write. And if I do leave this place, you’ll be the first to know. Even if I disappear for a while, don’t forget the things we learned when we were little, like peekaboo. In the meantime I’ll gather stories to tell you. Good luck, as always. Talk to you later. Bye.
Dad was uncharacteristically quiet while he wrote down my letter. At a certain point I realized he was crying.
* * *
It must have been around dawn, a few hours later. The doctors called my parents and they rushed to the hospital, even though it wasn’t visiting hours yet. They’d done this a few times but it occurred to me that this really might be the last. My parents might have been thinking the same thing. When I was by myself, surrounded only by the medical staff, I was frightened and lonely. I was incredibly relieved when I heard their voices. Pointing under my pillow, I murmured through blistered lips that it was a gift for them, that I had written something earlier but I stupidly deleted it because I was mad at them, but now I wasn’t mad at them anymore. I told them falteringly, slowly, that I wanted to write more but I ran out of time, and asked them to read it out loud in front of me, right now.
“Dad?” I said.
“Yes, Areum.”
“Only after I went blind did I realize how much I liked to see your face.”
Dad put a hand on my head. I liked how my forehead fit neatly into his large palm.
“Dad?” I couldn’t continue; I was breathless.
He held my hand. “Yes, Areum.”
“I’m a little scared.”
Dad bent down to embrace me.
“Mr. Han. You can’t do that right now,” a nurse admonished.
Dad ignored her and held me tightly. He swayed for a moment, holding his feather-light child. His hands trembled, as though there was nothing heavier than an ill child. I sensed my dad’s heartbeat through my chest.
Boom … boom … boom … boom …
We remained in each other’s heartbeat, silently. The last concentric circle at the end of the magnetic field wrapped around us like the rings of Saturn. I had believed I would never again experience becoming completely one with someone since I listened to my mom’s heartbeat in her belly, but I had discovered a way to feel something similar, embracing someone as hard as I could, laying my heart as close as possible to theirs. Tears welled in my eyes as I tightened my arms around him. I let go and lay down. “Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Weren’t you scared of me?”
“What are you talking about, silly?” Mom said, her voice wobbling.
“I’ve wondered about it. I wondered if you and Dad were afraid you couldn’t love me.”
She didn’t answer; she was probably trying not to burst into tears.
“Mom?”
“Yeah?” Mom croaked.
“Can I feel your belly?”
I could tell that she was taken aback. “Why?”
“Just because.”
“How did you … have you known all along?” Her voice shook.
“Yeah, I figured it out a while ago. Those pills you’re taking. Folic acid, right? I looked them up. I was worried.”
“We … we weren’t hiding it from you on purpose.”
“I know. Mom, when this baby is born, can you tell it that its older brother put his hand on its head?” I didn’t ask her why she got pregnant now, why she couldn’t wait a little. I didn’t dwell on the resentment and sadness I had felt a while ago, all alone. None of that mattered now. None of it was important.
Mom squeezed my hand instead of answering.
“Dad,” I said drowsily.
“Yeah?”
“And Mom.”
“Yes?”
I mustered up all the strength I had left. “I’m going to miss you.”
Author’s Note
To you, who waited without a word, and myself
My heart looks at the sky.
Probably because my body is stuck to the ground.
I hope my heart will fly with the wind to go to you.
There is no knowing if this song will become a seed or a whistle or an unknown face
I hope it will resemble the name you wanted to call a long time ago.
I dedicate this book to Jaekwi.
Who taught me how to breathe warmth into discarded names.
BOOKS BY AE-RAN KIM
My Brilliant Life
About the Author and Translator
AE-RAN KIM was born in Incheon, South Korea, the youngest of three daughters. She has won the Hankook Ilbo Literary Award, the Kim Yu-jeong Literary Award, the Lee Hyo-seok Literature Award, and the Prix de l’Inaperçu, among others, for her short fiction and collections. My Brilliant Life is her first novel. You can sign up for email updates here.
CHI-YOUNG KIM (translator) is based in Los Angeles, California. She has translated more than a dozen books, including New York Times bestseller and Man Asian Literary Prize–winner Please Look After Mom by Kyung-sook Shin, as well as works by You-jeong Jeong, Young-ha Kim, and J. M. Lee. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Prologue
Part One
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Part Two
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Part Three
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Part Four
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Author’s Note
Books by Ae-ran Kim
About the Author and Translator
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
MY BRILLIANT LIFE
Copyright © 2011 by Ae-ran Kim
English translation © 2020 by Chi-Young Kim
Originally published in Korea as 두근두근 내 인생 by Changbi Publishers, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Cover art by Mark Smith
Cover design by Russell Trakhtenberg
A Forge Book
Published by Tom Doherty Associates
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New York, NY 10271
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The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-75055-6 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-250-79958-6 (international, sold outside the U.S., subject to rights availability)
ISBN 978-1-250-75054-9 (ebook)
eISBN 9781250750549
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First U.S. Edition: 2021
First International Edition: January 2021