by Lee Wardlow
She smiled at Ally. “I hope it works for you and Brian too, sweetheart.”
She finished eating her pudding.
“Me too. I won’t see him until Thanksgiving. He’d like for me to come home with him, if you don’t mind.”
She did but she didn’t. Thanksgiving was usually a big deal for their family. That was a month away and two more chemo treatments. Sophie didn’t know how she would be. Food wasn’t that appealing, so she didn’t really care what they cooked but she wanted everyone together as a family.
Ally could go her own way this year. She didn’t want to force her daughter to be where she didn’t want to be. Sophie wanted to give thanks for what she had. She wanted to be surrounded by the precious family that she was blessed with. She never wanted to take for granted again what she had been given.
Chapter 15
Sophie
Her treatments were more of the same. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, she spent in bed. Monday through Wednesday the following week after treatment, she was weak and didn’t do much more than sit in the recliner in the living room and watch Netflix, the Hallmark Channel or Lifetime movies.
Her dad drove her to the hospital a lot for bloodwork, fluids, potassium included in her fluid mix when that was showing up low and needed replenishing. It gave Josh, a chance to work and it was time for her and her dad to bond. She had lost twenty pounds from her five feet two frame. She had gone from slender to scrawny. She barely weighed one hundred ten to one hundred fifteen.
Walking beside her dad, he held her elbow. She thought he was afraid she might float away with a brisk, breeze. She walked slower than she used to. Her gate once so quick, her brother’s long legs had difficulty keeping up with her. She now felt like she moved at a crawl, but she tired too easily to pick up the pace.
“Sure, you don’t want me to get you a wheelchair?” Her dad asked her. She gave her father a harsh look. “Never mind. I won’t ask again. You don’t want a wheelchair.”
“You asked me twice before we even left the garage.”
“I’m just trying to be considerate, Soph. Cut your old man some slack.”
She huffed at him. He held the door for her. She hated that too. She wasn’t even strong enough to get the door open and keep it open for herself.
“You don’t have to be mad at me, Sophie.”
“I’m not,” she snapped back at him.
“Sure, you are,” her dad replied. He always had been good at calling her out. “You’ve been a little testy the last few weeks.”
She stopped and stared at her dad. “I have a right to be testy. My bones ache to the point that I can’t sleep at night. I can’t poop to save my life then when I can I have the runs. I can’t eat except Marcy’s rice pudding. No one else can seem to make it no matter how many times she shows you guys how to do it.”
Her father rolled his eyes at her tirade.
“Most of the time, my stomach feels like it’s twisting in knots. So even if my taste buds weren’t shot to hell my stomach is.”
“You do have every right to feel as you do, Sophie. I understand your frustration,” her father’s tone was filled with compassion, “but you don’t have a right to treat all the people who love and care for you badly which you have been.”
She twirled away from him, her brightly colored, knitted cape, a gift from Marcy’s mother-in-law whirled around her hips. “Baby girl, you can be mad at me all you want but everyone has been walking on egg shells while you snap their heads off. It needs to stop.”
She glared at her dad over her shoulder. She was tired of this life that was wearing her down. She was getting discouraged with three months to go still. She huffed the rest of the way through the center, her gym shoes making a squeaky sound on the polished, tile.
Madge greeted Sophie. “You are too pale and not eating still. Let’s get on the scale first. Doctor Roberts wants a weight on you before we pump you up.”
Sophie rolled her eyes at Madge. She hopped on the scale and Madge blinked at her. “You don’t really think I’m dumb enough to fall for that. Hand over that suitcase you carry.”
She held out the black, bag she carried everywhere. She needed the black hole, she called a purse. Her father chuckled at her. She glared over her shoulder. “You be quiet.”
Her dad was a handsome guy, she thought. His hair was dark at one time like hers. He was big like her brother. Still fit, like him too because he worked at being healthy. Her mom was more like her. Small but squishy from having two babies.
Sophie faced front. “Hand over the cape too. I’d like an accurate reading if you don’t mind.”
Sophie growled at Madge and draped her cape over Madge’s arm. She adjusted the weights on the scale until she had a weight that Madge was happy with.
“One hundred eight pounds. Kiddo, you need to start drinking more shakes or you’re going to disappear on us,” Madge told her.
“I’m trying.”
“No, you aren’t,” her dad corrected her. “You do nothing but complain about the shakes and the taste of food. The only thing you will eat is Marcy’s rice pudding and only she can make it to suit you.”
Sophie whirled around with tears in her eyes. “Maybe I should sit in the waiting room,” her father declared. “Madge, I’ll take those with me, so you and Sophie don’t have to bother with them.”
“Thanks Duke.” He took Sophie’s purse and her cape and turned away from them.
“Dad,” her father turned and looked at her. “I’m sorry.”
“Soph, just remember we’re all here to support you not become your whipping boy because you’re angry that cancer has turned your life upside down.”
She gasped. Then she stared at her father’s back as he walked away. “I’ve been a little hateful.”
Madge smiled at her. “Sophie, you’re dealing with a lot. No one can understand how hard this is who hasn’t gone through it. Even those that watch you go through it and see how hard it is don’t fully understand how bad it truly is.”
“I guess,” Sophie agreed.
Madge squeezed her hand. “Guess who is getting fluids today too?” She had no clue and wasn’t in the mood for guessing games. Madge tugged her off the scales. “Deandra. She’s hooked up and waiting on you.”
Sophie was excited to see her friend. She had talked to Deandra many times on the phone since their first meeting. In the infusion room, Sophie took a seat next to her.
“How’ve you been?” Deandra asked. “Now, that’s a dumb question, isn’t it?” She laughed at herself.
Sophie chuckled. “Ask my family? Kind of grumpy.”
“Kind of sick too, I imagine,” Deandra added.
“I am. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I’m in bed. Feel liked death would be better than chemo. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, the recliner and I are best friends. I start to feel a step above death. I was working half days starting Thursday until I get chemo again, but I’ve kind of given that up now too. I get too tired,” Sophie explained.
“Yes, ma’am. It does that to you.” She glanced over at Sophie. “Why the grumpiness?”
She sighed while Madge finished starting her IV. “We’ll have you feeling better in no time.” Madge patted Sophie’s arm. “Be back to check on you ladies in a while.”
“Thanks Madge,” Sophie replied to her. Then she turned to Deandra. “I’m angry, Deandra. I’m tired of feeling like this is it. Cancer and chemo have taken everything away from me. My life is Hulu, Netflix and Lifetime original movies.” Sophie wiped away a tear. “And the Hallmark Channel which makes me cry every single time.”
“Nothing wrong with that, sweetness.” Deandra reached out her hand and Sophie grabbed onto it. “Instead of thinking of what is being taken away by chemo, try think of what it is giving you back, your future.”
Sophie continued to stare at the ceiling. Recliners had become her best friend. She was becoming a slug. She couldn’t wait for the day when she felt like walking again without feeling wi
nded and needing a nap after a ten, minute walk.
Deandra continued, “I have one more treatment and I’m done. I hope it gives me the years I need to have what I want from whatever is left of my life. If not, I’ll look at some other treatment options.”
Sophie remembered. She wanted to see her daughter graduated and dance at her wedding. She turned her head. “Do I sound ungrateful?” She asked.
“Lord, no. This chemo is for the birds, but it saves lives. It’s miserable but without it we have no chance. When they told me, I had cancer again…I’ll be honest, I went home, and I dropped to my knees beside my bed then I lowered my head to my comforter and I said to Jesus, why are you doing this to me again? I was angry at him.”
Deandra stopped for a moment to collect herself. “I didn’t think I had to strength to do the treatments again.”
“How did you?” Sophie asked.
“I spoke to the pastor at my church. I was angry and hurt. I was sobbing. Crying women make Pastor Jeff very uncomfortable,” Deandra teased her. She looked over at Sophie. “Literally falling apart at the seams.”
“What did he tell you?”
“Dee, you do what you want to do. You were brave the first time when you battled cancer and won but I feel it in my heart to tell you that Jesus isn’t done with you here.”
Sophie turned her head away from Deandra.
“I lead our church choir every Sunday morning. We have practice every Wednesday night. I had a tough time meeting those obligations, but I didn’t miss many. I scheduled my chemo, so I was able to make as many as possible. The pastor’s wife filled in when I couldn’t make it.
“I have teenagers who are involved in choir that rely on me. I want to keep them involved in the faith. I think it’s as important to them as it is to me.”
“How do you do that with the chemo?”
Deandra chuckled. “Will rented a wheel chair for me now that I’m too weak to get around. Soon I’ll be out of that chair and giving him a run for his money.”
Sophie laughed at her. “It’s the spirit that keeps you going Sophie when you think you can’t go another day. Your spirit…your soul that is tough and the part that makes you a fighter and wants to cling to this world that says, I’m not gonna give up. That’s what makes us so special.”
“Us?” Sophie turned her head to Deandra, listening to her more intently.
“Cancer survivors. We go through hell to find heaven on earth. The reason we were put here. Mine is to be with those kids in choir practice. To live for my daughter and my husband. Myself too. Don’t get me wrong but they push me along when I get weary. Literally sometimes, behind my chair.” Deandra chuckled at her own joke.
Sophie shook her head. “I don’t know how you do it. I just feel so beat down right now.”
“My church, my church family. My husband. My daughter. They pick me up when I need it.” She smiled at Sophie. “They remind me what I have to live for that is important and special. What is that thing that pushes you, in your life?”
“Josh.” She thought about him for a moment. How lost he’d be without her. The nights he was still wandering around the house unable to sleep as he worried about her. “Heath and Hannah, his wife.” Sophie’s voice cracked. “Our grandson, Joshua. I don’t want to be a memory from a photograph to him.”
“See, you have so much to cling to, Sophie. Pray when things are bad. Ask Jesus to help you through these hard, times for Joshua, Josh, Heath and Hannah.”
“And Ally, my daughter,” she added.
“Give him your burden, Sophie. His shoulders are broad enough to help you carry the weight of your issues. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, lady. You can do this. Just have faith in him but in yourself too.”
She nodded. They were quiet. She knew that Kai was in there too and Micki. Her friends and the neighbors had been wonderful bringing over food.
“We’re close to our neighbors right next door to us. When he had back surgery, his wife was struggling to take care of him. We took meals over to her. They organized the neighbors and are bringing over lunch and dinner every day and are doing this until I get through chemo.”
“No good deed, goes unrewarded.”
Sophie snorted. “Then why did I get cancer?”
“Sophie,” Deandra scolded her with a teasing tone to her voice.
“I’m just so angry.” Sophie sighed. She was tired of being angry. She wanted to let it go.
“What makes you happy?”
“Joshua.” That was easy.
“When did you see him last?”
“I haven’t seen much of him. It’s hard because I feel so crappy,” she admitted. “That seems to upset my grandson.”
“Then go see him. Maybe today after you get pumped up. I usually feel pretty good after I get fluids.”
“Me too. My in-laws have him today since Dad brought me here. The great-grandparents take turns caring for him right now.”
“That is wonderful. Keeps them young, doesn’t it?”
Sophie nodded in agreement. “I think I’ll ask Dad to take me to Brad and Maria’s house for a visit.”
“I think that might be fun for you. Sophie, you need to live. You’re just waiting for your next chemo treatment, am I right?”
She nodded. “Thank you, Deandra. I appreciate you so much.”
“Awe sweetie, you’re so welcome. I’m an expert at this crap, now. I’ve lived through it twice.” They laughed together.
**
Walking beside her dad this time, Sophie slipped her arm through his. She laid her head against his broad shoulder as they strolled to the garage. “I’m sorry for being a pain in the butt.”
“I think you probably deserve to be one, but it would be helpful to all concerned if you could try to be less of one.”
She chuckled at him.
“We don’t know how you feel, Sophie. We hurt because you are hurting but you’ve been meaner than a snake in the grass. Your mom is going to have my hide for calling you out on it though.”
She smiled at him. She wasn’t about to tell her mother anything. “Deandra was getting fluids today too. She suggested I see Joshua and have some fun.”
“I’m always up for that. Your mom is out for a while. Want to go to Brad and Maria’s house?”
Once Sophie was settled in the car, she called Maria and asked if it would be okay if she and her dad stopped by. Her mother-in-law invited them to stay for lunch. Lunch she assumed she wouldn’t eat but her dad would be grateful for food. He was starving.
Her mother-in-law had other ideas. Maria had been researching diets for cancer patients. She wasn’t expecting to try out anything on Sophie this soon but when Duke and Sophie arrived, Maria had the dining room table set with among many dishes, macaroni and cheese made with thin noodles and three cheeses. It was creamy and easy for Sophie to eat. She had a custard pudding that she had made and was planning to bring over after supper tonight.
“Nana,” Joshua screamed when he saw her in the dining room door.
She couldn’t pick him up even though his arms were in the air reaching for her. He was nearing twenty-five pounds at almost one. She squatted down in front of him. “Nana can’t pick you up, bubba.” He threw his arms around her neck and hugged her. “I can hug you, though,” Sophie whispered. He tugged her hat off her head.
At first, she tried to grab it from him and wanted to get it back on then she sat on her butt and held him while he stared at her head. She always had the hat on so Joshua hadn’t seen her bare head.
He rubbed his hand across her bald head. “Nana.”
“I look funny, don’t I?” She laughed with him and it felt good. She knew she shouldn’t keep hiding. It was what she had been doing. Hiding from her disease. Her baldness. The effects of the chemo. She felt terrible most of the time. It was wearing her down. She was letting cancer win.
She gazed over his head and saw Maria standing in the door with tears in her eyes because she had
n’t seen Sophie’s baldness either. “No crying,” she warned her. “Or I will too.” It was shocking for everyone, Sophie knew.
Her mother-in-law sniffed back her tears. “I have food that I have been working on for you. I think I have some things you might be able to eat.”
Her dad helped her off the floor and Joshua held her hand while they headed to their chairs. Brad put Joshua in his high chair near Sophie. She sat down and looked around the various bowls on the table.
“The mac and cheese is creamy,” Maria told her. She scooped some onto her plate. “Josh told me you’re not eating well.”
Sophie took a bite. Textures and taste was changed by her chemo. To go along with that was the constant gnawing, ache in her belly that made her feel nauseated. She looked at food and felt blah. Nothing was appealing anymore.
The mac and cheese dish was delicious. She could eat it and Joshua was eating with her, making a mess, dropping more on the floor than he got in his mouth, making Sophie laugh. Maria sat across from her not eating herself. She shoved another dish across the table to her.
Sophie looked in. “What’s this?”
“Oatmeal with pureed fruit to add some natural sweetness.”
She took a few bites. “Apples and bananas? Are you sure you didn’t put baby food in this?”
“I did not use baby food, but it did give me the idea.”
Sophie chuckled. “It’s really good, Maria. Naturally sweet.” She sucked down another bite. “Thank you. I know I’ve been miserable to live with.”
Maria got out of her chair and walked around the table. She leaned over and kissed her bald head. “No worries, sweetheart. I’ve got pretty thick skin and so does your mother.”
Sophie almost choked on the bite of oatmeal in her mouth. Then Maria shoved the custard at her daughter-in-law and Sophie liked it too. “I have more for you to take home with you.”