Just Friends, Never Lovers

by Jones, Samantha

  I mean you tried right? It just so happened that it is something that just cannot be done. That’s the reason why I couldn’t figure out how on earth were I able to hold back this long. I know I haven’t given in entirely. It must be a very tough thing to do. Just like defying gravity.

  Your heart must have been partly made of quartz, Cee. Kidding of course, I’m just trying to make light of a gloomy situation. Seriously, I’m still hoping that one day, I’ll be able to utter the words “I’m happy for you.” Without feeling like I’m swallowing a handful of salt.

  I really wanted him to be happy. Like I said, he is my heart’s delight even if he’s the very reason why I’m struggling to keep from falling apart. He is the sweetest thing I’ve ever been blessed with, the warmest hug from God. How can I wish him anything but good? I only wish that it isn’t difficult.

  I really feel like I’m being asked everything I hold dear just for him to be happy. Nothing is more difficult than forcing a smile when your insides are cracking up. But then, because it would complete his happiness, I’m trying still.

  Lucky guy…

  It’s not a question of my being capable of living without him, or of being able to wake up each day knowing that our story can never even be “published”. I could live without him.

  I have done it for years before I met him. This ending is not enough to stop me from still living my life just the way I used to and from reaching my dreams in the way I’ll choose to. It’s just that I have to live each day just like before…before I knew of the sweetness and the magic the two of us can create. It’s as if two separate individuals have been given some sort of enchantment that can only be done together.

  Bummer.

  My turning away from what I feel would be a question of whether I could give up that magic. Well, the other person made a choice before he even has to. Actually, he was the one who shut the door on my face before I even think of doing it to him. He was the one who surrendered before the battle even began.

  Actually his choice has made my choice dependent upon his and therefore made it useless. Actually, things have been made easier for me. All I need to do now is to forget about this whole thing, go on with my life and act like the way I did before.

  Only the two of us and the ONE above know about this thing. In the eyes of other people, certainly, nothing has changed. It’s just a matter of acting again…until it becomes real that I’m finally over this.

  I think I am mature enough to handle that.

  He was the one who said it, “we’re more than the usual friends”. Just where does one draw the line? This whole thing is stupid.

  I don’t go acting super sweet to all my guy friends. I hate to be bothered by technicalities but really! How much of these can I possibly take? He wanted me to be a lot of things for him, except that I must swallow my feelings. I thought I was wiser than this.

  Thinking about what everything we have been doing these past three years make me wonder if I am as wise as I thought I was. Everything is on his terms. I should have felt that it was bluntly unfair, except that I was enjoying this more than I even care to admit that I have forgotten all about fairness.

  Sometimes, I am just so tempted to just let it be---to stop thinking about the right thing and play for real. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t care about anybody’s feelings. In an ideal world, he’d be the one who’s writing this entry, thinking how much of a fool he is for taking me for granted.

  Maybe that’s exactly what I should do---just play.

  Actually, this game has a very simple rule. Play incessantly and toss the feelings to the wind. Feel the sensations but never store the memories. As with every game, the most important thing is to enjoy.

  Forget about LOVE with him, with both your definition of your friendship, there’s no room in which love can grow in there. Meaning to say, this is a wholesome, non-personal version of charades and no one is supposed to get boo-boos and any other “casualties”. I mean, it’s an indoor game right?

  Maybe with this approach, I can win this game after all and turn the tables. We’ll see.

  - CEE

  Chapter Five: The Retort

  Win’s response to CEE-CEE’s Ramblings

  I’ve been trying to get a hold of Cee these past few days. I mean, she seems to be ignoring me. During the lab, she fled in the middle of the experiment and opted to make the dry-lab. She wouldn’t talk to me in class, and when I finally get her to say a word, she looked at me as though I got a big hole in my head!

  What on earth is going on?

  Okay. I peeped into her so-called ramblings. Actually, she doesn’t know that I did or she could have strangled me. I borrowed her notes the other day, and as I scanned the pages, I found something that shouldn’t be within the confines of her notes in Statistics. Something not so academic.

  She seemed kind of mad in her entries, and damn it all, I wish I wasn’t the one she was pertaining to. Well, I hope not because the word “Moron” seems to be popping incessantly from the pages of her writings.

  She really is MAD.

  I miss her so, I’ve been telling her that but it couldn’t even begin to describe how. I was afraid of losing her after I had a girlfriend, afraid that she wouldn’t want to be a part of my life anymore.

  Well, actually I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted out. I’ve been more than what did she call me?

  Oh yeah, a rotten moron…

  I actually don’t know what to do with her. But damn, whenever she’s around it seems all I can do is to make an utter fool of myself. Even I don’t know what is going on. There’s this time when I found myself asking her a lot of stupid questions which I’m not really interested about the answers to, just so to have an excuse to be near her.

  Or how about the time when I was just supposed to return her pen and ended up taking her hand instead. Or how about the time when she was reporting about a critical topic and I wasn’t able to remember a word she said because I was so busy looking at her...

  Or the time when the smoke bomb for the float broke and she was near tears that I was tempted to give her a hug coz really, you should have seen her. She was in bad need of one.

  Or how about the…Aw It! The list is endless…

  If there’s one thing though, the girl is definitely out of the ordinary. I’ve never seen one the likes of her. She’s not a drop-dead beauty. Not a cover girl material. She’s actually someone you wouldn’t notice at first glance but when you finally take notice of her… Oh boy, you’re in on a lot of trouble.

  You wouldn’t be able to take your eyes off her. There’s just something about her that is well, you know, more than sexy… I should know.

  She had my complete attention the first time I had a good look at her. Actually, I found myself stealing glances from her since I saw her so hooked up while reading a magazine. That was 2 days since I first saw her.

  Since then, I have been dreaming about kissing her. Don’t ask me why. For the life of me, I really don’t know. Day 3 of my first year in Engineering, I found out we’re seatmates in our Algebra class.

  What luck!

  - Win

  Chapter Six: Tease

  Jan 2006

  Just what kind of trick was he trying to pull this time? He got a girl who looks like me---so what the hell was wrong with me? I am so pissed. So basically, I am his type but he thinks this girl was relationship worthy and I am not? Oh this is too much.

  In fairness to me, I succeeded in my plan of ignoring him. Knowing that he has a girlfriend who bears a huge resemblance with me made me so angry---enough to kill the pain for a while. I was doing great by myself until he cornered me twice...

  “Guys, you do the experiment. I’ll go upstairs for the dry lab.” I told my group mates.

  “Take Win with you. We need that fast. Experiments 13 & 14 are due today. Make it quick.” Said Ac casually.

  “Okay then. I’ll go ahead. Win can follow shortly.” I moved fast. I don’t want working with Wi
n, not when I am trying so hard to maintain my composure. No such luck.

  “I think it’s better if I do the research and you write. Then we’ll be faster.” He suggested.

  “Okay then.” I busily made some notes and started the draft.

  “You smell different. It’s nice. Why do you have the best fragrances? Maybe you can accompany me one day at the store so I can pick one really nice and spray it on you, so I could smell it better. You are good with scents.”

  “I’m busy.”

  He leaned in closer to me then and almost inhaled my entire being.

  “Wow. Just wow. You make me want to kiss you so badly.” His voice was several octaves lower than normal and that made me kind of panicky.

  “We can’t, Win. You know we can’t.

  “What are you doing here reviewing by yourself?”

  “What do you care?” I absentmindedly replied.

  “Hmmmm, nothing. I was just wondering if you could join me for lunch today. It’s my birthday. Remember?”

  “Sure. No problem.”

  “Great. Catch me out after the exams. I’ll just get the car.” He stood behind me and caressed my chin. My whole body tensed. I was finding it hard to breathe.

  “I miss you...so much.”

  As I was walking towards the car, I was trying to convince myself that this whole thing is insane. Sure, it was just lunch, but the thought of being alone with him again is just too much. He is seeing someone already and this has to stop.

  “Sit on the back. We have company. Ken will sit here. “

  “What? I thought... Oh well. Who’s coming?”

  “Ken, Mariel, and Mhela. And us.”

  He parked near the activity area. And as we waited for the others to arrive, I was beginning to feel panicky. Win and I have been like this for years----you know acting like a couple but not exactly a couple. Although the ones who will be joining us are familiar, still it would raise some eyebrows.

  Win and I do not belong in the same circle of friends. Time ticked and he attempted to make some small talk. I was too nervous for small talk. I was surprised when he moved in beside me at the back.

  “What are you doing here? Aren’t you the one who’ll drive?” I nervously asked him.

  “I just want to sit here while we wait. You look lonely.” I looked at him questioningly then and he gazed at me.

  “I really miss you, Cee. Will you hug me?”

  “Are you crazy?! They will be here any minute. I can’t just hug you and be fine with it. You’re seeing someone.”

  He embraced me then and caressed my nape, all the while melting away my protests. I felt feverish with longing. Nobody ever held me like that before. His hand went inches lower and held my back. It was too much to bear... “You still owe me a kiss, young lady.” He told me as he reluctantly pulled away. “What? What kiss?” I asked him pointedly.

  “I have been asking for a kiss since three years ago. I believe you had plenty of time to ready yourself for it.”

  I looked at him incredulously. “Win, I do not owe you anything, much less a kiss. I can’t just kiss you.”

  “I cannot see why not... It’s just a kiss.”

  “Stop it. I won’t kiss you, unless it’s a friendly peck on the cheek you are talking about. Will you be okay with that?”

  “I don’t want a peck on the cheek. That’s just between friends. I believe we are more than that. I want a real smouldering kiss from you. Will you deny me?” He looked at my lips intently, so intently it felt that he is actually kissing me. My lips parted in response. I wonder what it would feel like. I can actually feel his desire.

  At that very second, Ken came rushing towards the car. He moved several inches from me automatically and pretended to discuss how tricky the exams were. I looked at him disgustedly.

  “I didn’t know Cee is going to join us.” said Mhela from behind.

  “Neither did I.” I said.

  “Will Kaye be here, Win?” Win looked at me uncomfortably through the rear view mirror.

  “She’s still in class. What would you like to eat?”

  The entire drive, I was so uncomfortable. I would have given anything just to get out of there. I didn’t know it was about to get worse. We went over to Mariel’s to pick her up and went to the restaurant.

  “Okay we’re here. Go pick your seats”. I sat at the farthest end and was hoping Mhela would sit beside me. No such luck. Win seated to my left. To her left sat Mhela. Ken and Mariel sat opposite us.

  Win held my hand from under the table while conversing with the group. I could have kicked him then. These people knew him and his girlfriend. I was so nervous I don’t think I would be able to swallow anything.

  “So what would you like?” Win said as he looked at me. He was acting so solicitous, seemingly forgetting that we have company.

  “Why don’t you order for us, Win. Anyway you know the place. Excuse me, for a sec.” I nervously rushed towards the washroom. The moron followed shortly.

  “Hi there! Don’t forget about the kiss. Say you’ll think about it or I’ll kiss you right here.”

  “Dream on, Win. I won’t do it. Even if you’re the last man on earth and I have been kiss deprived for so long, I won’t kiss you.” I said with enough conviction.

  “You know what, I am not sure why you’ll deny me this one thing. You’ve known me for years!”

  “You are sick. Get back to your seat. You’ve been gone suspiciously long enough.”

  This was the longest meal I ever had to endure in my entire life. I know these people. I have been their class president for years. However, they don’t know about me and Win, and it’s a challenge acting nonchalantly while my hand is being lovingly caressed behind the covers.

  Whenever I use both my hands as I ate, he’d tenderly caress my thighs. It was a light feathery stroke that can drive a woman insane. It was made more delicious because nobody can see what he was doing. It was sweet torture.

  I was looking at him pleadingly to stop whatever he is up to. I don’t think he’ll take the cue however. Not when I seem to be really enjoying being held. For a moment there, I had this strange wanting to let him do more.

  ---------------------

  It has always been this way between us. I thought it would stop the minute that one of us entered another relationship. I underestimated the forces that hold us together. I was finding it hard to win because I think that I am a territory that is unconquerable and that love is beyond me. I was obviously handling it the wrong way.

  In my whole defence, I tried to maintain my distance. I don’t text him when not necessary, and aside from the instances when we are grouped together in certain projects, I managed to avoid him. Most of the time, I succeeded. Sometimes, I am just so weak to say no, especially during those instances when he said he needed me.

  The mere fact that none of us ever mentioned anything about what we feel for each other usually got on my nerves. There were times when I actually thought about telling him. I stupidly thought that humiliating myself to the very core would end all my suffering. I never told him how I felt. I’m afraid of what I’ll hear afterwards.

  “What time will you arrive? Are you even on the road yet?”

  “Am on my way. I told you I haven’t reviewed yet. What is it you want to tell me?” I asked, a bit irritated.

  “I’ll tell you later. Just meet me near the football field. You’ll see the car.”

  “Fine.”

  An hour later, I saw his car amid the trees. I entered.

  “What took you so long?” He asked.

  “I was stuck in traffic. Besides, I live far.” I snapped.

  “You can review here. The library is packed. Don’t mind going.”

  “Is that what you wanted to tell me?” I asked sarcastically.

  We reviewed for a few minutes, trying so hard to ignore each other. After yesterday, the tension is still so strong. I can feel his hands on my legs still. I cannot digest any more of my lesson
s. Damn.

  He moved at the back and joined me there. “I think you reviewed enough. It’s time you relax.” His hands were on my waist before I know it. “I’ve wanted you since then...” he whispered.

  He tickled my ears with his tongue.I moaned as he tenderly ran his tongue around my ears...It felt so good.

  “Oh...Win...please...” He continued tracing his tongue down my neck, all the while running his hands all over my body. Strange sensations enveloped me. I wanted more... He caught my face and attempted to kiss my lips...I looked away and pulled back. All too soon, it was over.