Lacey Luzzi: Sprinkled: A humorous cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 1)

by Gina LaManna

  “Come on, touch it just once.” Meg gave her rear end a shake.

  “She’ll stop asking you to touch her ass if you let us in,” I pleaded.

  “She promise?” Blake eyed Meg.

  “Fine,” Meg grunted. “You’ve no idea what your skinny ass is missing.”

  After being herded into the kitchen, Blake abandoned us and retreated to his room with a warning not to touch anything.

  Meg and I sat on the spindly, mismatched kitchen chairs in a cozy little kitchen. The walls were yellow from a previous owner, which I’d found out back in the day when we were an item. Though he definitely kept up the appearance of a bachelor pad, he couldn’t mask the coziness of the little Uptown house. It was just the right size for a dog and a couple in love.

  “Do you miss him?” Meg asked. She stood up and selected a jug of orange juice from the fridge. She popped the lid off and took a long, deep swig.

  “Don’t do that,” I said. “That’s disgusting. It’s not your house.”

  She shrugged and set it back.

  “I’m going to go ask to use his phone.” I stood and moved towards the door, but Meg dashed in front of the doorway before I could get past. I’d never seen her move so fast; she resembled the Marshmallow blob from Ghostbusters, if he’d been dressed in a camo coat.

  Breathing fast, her face pink, she gasped, “Bad idea.”

  “Why?” I asked. “I know his apartment. I’ll just be a second.”

  When Meg didn’t move, I poked her in the stomach. “Excuse me.”

  She opened her mouth to speak, but I heard the reason for her hesitation – low moans and muttered phrases came from down the hall behind the one closed door.

  “Right,” I said. “I think I’ll wait. Mimosas?”

  ** **

  “He’s a friggin beast,” Meg said, forty-five minutes later. The low moans had progressed into female cries of pure ecstasy and a few male grunts of what I guessed was pleasure.

  “Yep,” I said, swigging orange juice from the bottle. I’d long since stopped mixing it together in the coffee mug I’d nicked from above the sink. Ironically it was one I’d given him for his 28th birthday. It read: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLD FART. FOR SOMEONE WHO NEVER RUNS OUT OF GAS.

  I poured the champagne straight into my mouth. What was the difference if it mixed in the mug or my stomach? It all ended up in the same place. We’d made it through a bottle and a half of Andre and were still going strong. I was more than a bit tipsy, and as I stood to search for a little vodka to concoct some screwdrivers, I accidentally crashed the mug to the floor and it shattered into tiny pieces.

  I sank to my knees and started to cry. “Meg. I’m an old fart. And nobody wants me. And I have a shitty job, which isn’t even legal. I failed as a stripper. What do I tell my dates now? I sometimes think I should’ve taught kindergarten.”

  Meg kicked the shattered glass under the stove. “Get up. Stop being a wuss. I ain’t got no use for weak friends. Plus, why’d you give him that cup? It’s not sexy.”

  “He still has it, doesn’t he?” I sobbed. “Well, not anymore I guess. Because it’s broken.”

  My wails were loud, but not as loud as the shriek from down the hall.

  “Did she say steak?” Meg asked. “I’d like some steak. Some taters, too.”

  I sniffled. “Bl-la-lake.”

  Meg tipped my head back violently and dumped some champagne down my throat.

  I spluttered a bit and tried to speak. “Whah-aht?”

  “Bubbles are supposed to make you happier. Plus, you want your man to see you with runny eyes and a puffy nose? Come on now, you’re bleeding again.” Meg hauled me to my feet and wrapped a towel around my arm which I’d sliced on the shattered mug.

  I gave a few hard sniffs and pulled the pieces of myself together.

  “Okay,” I said. “I got this.”

  “Go to the bathroom. Clean your snot up and hide your blood. Use this.” She handed me a bottle of superglue and hairbrush with enough hair entangled in it to make a wig.

  “Thanks. You’re the best.” I took her offerings and headed down the hall.

  “Don’t I know it.” She slapped my buns on the way out. “Do a few clenches while you’re in there. Perk that ass up.”

  I emerged from the bathroom semi-respectable looking and without having to use any of Meg’s gifts.

  Some girl was sitting at the kitchen table. But before I could join her and find Meg, Blake’s voice hissed from his room. “Lace.”

  I turned abruptly and made my way inside the room I remembered so well. An incredibly comfortable bed that invited company for days and was difficult to leave, a computer in the corner hooked up to speakers and sexy play lists at the touch of a key, a poster of his favorite soccer team and a large bean bag chair which had also seen its share of action.

  It was cozy and cuddly, and I felt an overwhelming rush of sadness and longing as I stepped into the room. I was reminded of everything I was missing due to my choices to remain with the Family.

  “Hi,” I said quietly. I bit back tears and forced myself to look into his eyes.

  “Hey,” Blake said. He must’ve been able to tell I wasn’t feeling like my normal self; his frustrated gaze softened and he took a step forward.

  I looked away; his scent was too much. He still used the same deodorant, minty and subtle, and I was reminded of movie nights spent wrapped in his arms and pillowcases that smelled of Blake.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked. “You seem a little… down.”

  “Yeah,” I said, all too chipper. “I’m fine. I’m really sorry I’ve come barging in here while you’ve had, uh, company. I’m just working on this side of town, and I tend to have more accidents than most people. And then I need a phone, and you’re the only person that I feel okay asking when I look like this.”

  I gestured toward my bloodied hand and arm, the sprinkles coating my tight yoga pants and flimsy white tee shirt.

  “Babe.” Blake stepped closer, the tattoo on his ribs in reach, the scent of his deodorant causing me to feel drunker than I was. “You look hot.”

  My lady bits got warm as a shirtless Blake stepped right up to me. His arms encircled my waist and the feel of his skin on mine was pure Heaven. His breath tickled my neck and goose bumps popped up on my legs, and I felt on the verge of hyperventilation. When he leaned forward and licked a row of sprinkles from the side of my neck I nearly passed out. I moaned and fell limply into his arms.

  He guided me over to the bed, where I collapsed face down. After a minute of him lightly rubbing my back, I sat up.

  Adjusting my clothes, which had kind of slid sideways, I looked over at the bed and grimaced. “Sorry about that. My arm.”

  There were blood splotches on the bed from where my wound hadn’t quite healed.

  “No worries, it was time to throw them out anyway.” Blake winked.

  “You’re gross,” I said. “Hope you don’t have to explain that to her.”

  “Who?”

  I looked up at him, agog.

  “Oh, Tami,” he looked sheepish. “Nah, she’s nobody important. We met last night at the bar.”

  “Whatever.” I slid out the door and back into the bathroom so Blake could go join P.B. in the kitchen and I could slip out a few moments later.

  But as soon as I reached the bathroom, I couldn’t stop the grin bursting from my face.

  Lacey – 1, P.B. – 0.

  I emerged from the bathroom a minute later, clothing in place, arm only slightly bloody.

  With a small glimmer of satisfaction, I noted that the girl at the kitchen table was a different Perky Boobs than the one from sexy baby night. This one had brown hair and orange skin, kind of how you might imagine a baboon, except with a lot more makeup and a hefty amount of cleavage. If Blake didn’t want to be with me, at least he couldn’t make up his mind. Maybe I’d driven him so crazy with my great lover-ing skills that he needed a million women to stay satisfied these days.
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  At least, that’s what I’d tell myself.

  “Hi, I’m Tami,” the girl said. As she leaned forward to shake my hand, her boobs sashayed back and forth. “You must be one of his patients.”

  Blake’s eyes cut towards the ceiling.

  “Patient?” Meg asked. “She ain’t no patient, she’s-“

  “Of course. Which patient are you talking about? Blake’s so accomplished and works in so many fields, I just want to make sure I’m not confused.” I winked at Meg, to show her it was okay. Perky Tits missed it, as she was too busy adjusting said sacks to sit higher in her bra.

  With a buttery smile, Tami ran her leg way, way high up the inside of Blake’s calf and I looked away. “Oh, I know. He’s good at soooo many things.”

  “Uh, patients,” I cut in.

  With a Barbie-like smile, she turned in my direction. “Oh, right. Terminal illness. What do you have?”

  “He ain’t a doctor!” Meg cried out. “He’s-”

  “Exactly,” I cut in. “He is not just any doctor. He’s like a super doctor. And Meg’s right. I’m not the patient here. She is.”

  Meg narrowed her eyes at me, but thankfully she’d caught on. Blake’s chest moved in quick, shallow bursts, probably wondering if he was going to get a round two with P.B.

  “Yeah, she’s uh, suffering from butt-clenchi-titus,” I said. “It’s really terrible.”

  Meg rolled her eyes.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry. Is that like cancer of your brain?” P.B. asked.

  “Yeah. Totally ruins thought process. Do you have it yourself?” Meg retorted.

  “Rudeness is a side effect,” I clarified. “Ignore her. Anyways, we should get going. Blake, could I borrow your phone?”

  “Don’t you have one?” he asked.

  “Yeah, it’s dead,” I said. “So’s hers.”

  “Yeah, I’m about to be dead soon, too,” Meg added.

  Tami frowned. “Let the poor girls use your phone, babe.”

  He stood and handed it over grudgingly.

  Tami smiled at us. “Blake has girls turning up left and right. Poor guy never can get a moment’s rest, his patients just become so attached to him. I tell him not to give out his home address… but he’s just too thoughtful.”

  She dove in for a full fledged French kiss.

  “Thanks,” I said as Meg reached over and gave Blake’s ass a nice, firm squeeze.

  “Sorry,” she said. “It’s that darn rudeness side effect again. I just can’t control myself.”

  “Oh, it’s okay, honey. Isn’t it nice?” Tami winked at Meg.

  “Bit skinny like a half-eaten chicken bone. But I could be okay with it,” Meg shrugged.

  Blake looked mortified.

  I handed the phone back. “Clay will be here soon. Thanks.”

  Chapter 20

  Clay was awkwardly silent as Meg got in the car. She asked to be dropped off at the bar, but I volunteered to take her home first so she could shower and change before she went to open. She insisted she ‘wanted to go smelling like adventure.’ If adventure smelled like Meg then I never wanted the scent stuck anywhere on me. It was a mix of sweaty gym socks and last week’s steak leftovers after they got smushed with soggy curly fries.

  “Are you mad?” I asked.

  Clay hit a few buttons and a light mist erupted from the ceiling of his van.

  “What are you doing?” I asked. “It’s not exactly hot in here.”

  “I’m cooling down before I respond to your silly questions.”

  “It was an accident.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve come as backup.” He chanced a glance in my direction.

  I cowered in my seat; his face was cloudy at best. “Adrenaline I guess. Forgot.”

  “You didn’t forget. You knew what you were doing. I can’t help you if you act like an idiot.”

  “I won’t do it again,” I said.

  “Too late. I’m putting a tracking device in your brain.”

  “Please don’t do that.” I ran a hand through my thin locks. “I’ve read stories about that and sometimes they have to shave off hair for the surgery and it never grows back. I need every strand of hair I can hang onto.”

  Clay rolled his eyes to the ceiling of the van and his face coated in mist.

  “Could you please turn that off? I’m starting to melt.” I held out my arms where a few leftover sprinkles were turning to a sludgey rainbow mush.

  “Do I want to know?” he asked.

  “Nope. And don’t tell Carlos his car is decapitated.”

  “We’re going to the gym,” Clay said matter of factly.

  “What? Now? Like this? Do you really think that’s the best option?” I really didn’t want to see Anthony in this state: half-drunk, part bloody, fully colorful. “I think really what I could use would be some rest and relaxation. A little good old R and R.”

  Clay shook his head no.

  “Can I at least stop home and change?”

  “I brought you clothes.” His lips were pressed tightly together.

  “Fine. If you can honestly tell me you think the gym is the safest place for me right now when I have more than one person trying to shoot me, then I’ll go.”

  “Yep.”

  “Look me in the eyes,” I demanded.

  The car swerved.

  “Well, stop first, then,” I said.

  He pulled over and stared straight into my irises. “I think the gym is exactly where you need to go.”

  ** **

  Clay had thankfully packed my bathing suit along with half my closet in a used Target baggie. Nice of him to give me options, but apparently he paid zero attention to girls’ clothing choices at the gym. While he checked in, I gave Marge a nod and scurried past mumbling ‘bathroom emergency,’ and she shooed me on.

  For once, my emergency actually had nothing to do with intestinal issues and had everything to do with not looking forward to speaking with Anthony again so soon.

  I quickly threw my stuff in a locker and slipped into my bikini – meant for sunbathing, not workouts – and ducked into the pool area. I was in the hot tub before anyone could say ‘Sprinkles.’

  For the first time all day, my shoulders loosened as I slipped up to my neck in the bubbly water, still a tad light headed from the champagne. I let my head roll back and the thoughts of fear and anger and frustration seeped from my head away with the fingers of steam climbing from the surface of the water to the heavens.

  “Doll.”

  Anthony’s voice slipped into my brain like a dream. My thoughts morphed into a sexy montage of the trainer in his stretchy black shirt, the little emblem in the corner bulging every time he moved and his muscles flexed. Then he started to take off that stupid shirt and I could see his abs without that silly layer of fabric between it. I wanted to touch it, to kiss the tattoo on his neck, to run a thumb over that mysterious scar on his left eye…

  “Doll, you’re moaning.”

  I opened my eyes. Anthony stood above me, looking down with a smirk on his face. With my head resting against the edge, my view of his face was obstructed by his bulging muscles and… well, other parts of interest.

  I started, splashing water into my eyes and immediately clapping my hands to my face to clear my fuzzy vision. I could feel the mascara running down my cheeks and was positive I resembled a testy raccoon.

  “What the heck are you doing?” I asked.

  “You’re not allowed to sleep in the hot tub. It’s unsafe.”

  “I can take care of myself,” I mumbled. I pulled myself up on the edge of the hot tub put one foot on the slippery wet floor. As if someone had sloshed a bottle of champagne straight into my head, my legs went wobbly and my vision blurred. I yanked my other leg out of the water, but my first leg went skidding and I could feel myself sliding into a dangerous form of the splits…

  Then I felt Anthony’s arms under mine, pulling me securely into a standing position. I was so weak from the wa
rmth of the water I couldn’t control my limbs. I let my head rest against his firm, comfortable chest, not caring whether my sopping wet hair soaked him straight through. I put an arm over his shoulders, but the other side of my body started to slide away.

  He snaked his arm around my lower back and brought me close, his hands tight on both my hips in a very, very appealing way. He pulled me close to him and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Probably, it looked like we were slow dancing to a silent orchestra, to anyone that happened to be watching.

  His thumb gently rubbed my stomach as if he was doing it unconsciously, but it brought flurries of fireworks bursting inside. I nuzzled even closer to him.

  “Doll, are you okay? What happened?”

  I couldn’t control the giggle that bubbled up inside. It started slowly and burst out like lava until I was doubled over laughing hysterically, one of Anthony’s arms around my waist, securely supporting me from sliding all over the pool deck.

  “You won’t believe me if I told you.” I hiccupped. “I visited a Russian ‘ho who told on me to her pimp. Then he tried to shoot at me, but he already killed my date yesterday, probably. Meg shot at him with her sprinkly gun and he got nicked in the shoulder. So we escaped to my ex-boyfriend’s house, but my car thunked pretty good while I was driving, so I needed champagne because Blake was hooking up with Perky Tits.”

  “You left something out,” he said.

  “I didn’t have sex with him, if that’s what you’re asking.” I pointed a wobbly finger at where I thought his eyes might be.

  Anthony was watching me with a curious expression. Though I couldn’t quite be sure since I was seeing two of him at the moment. “You’re wasted, Doll.”

  I waggled my finger at him. “No. I can’t be. I didn’t drink that much. And I was okay when Clay picked me up. Well, kinda. But he misted me and it woke me up. Then kablooey. You happened.”

  The corner of Anthony’s mouth quivered, and I couldn’t tell if his lips were going to curve up or down. “Hot tubs intensify alcohol. Even if you were only a little drunk when you got here, the heat and steam will make it worse.”

  “Well, that’s awesome,” I said. “Whoever discovers that will find me to be a pretty cheap date.”