Suffocate

by Xavier Neal

“Oh now you wanna speak up?” Erin gripes at her boyfriend.

  “Then who is she?” I curiously question myself.

  “Look, it’s complicated—” is all that comes out of his mouth before Maxx pops him in the arm with her hand. “Ouch!”

  “No one is allowed to say that phrase in this family any more. Everything we do is complicated. It’s a given at this point.” She fusses.

  Tony chimes in, “She hit me for it too.”

  “It’s not my place to explain,” C.J. declares.

  “No. It’s mine,” Stuart’s voice joins the conversation.

  A small gasp comes out of everyone.

  I heard yours too.

  “But...I need to start with Luke in private. Can I talk to you?” he questions in such a pained voice I can’t resist him.

  Doesn’t mean I’m going to forgive him for keeping secrets from me or for treating me like I was one. It just means I want to know what the hell is going on. It also means I get to tell him alone the status of Sara. It took a lot of convincing to let me be the one to do it, but I cashed in favors all around for it.

  “Yeah,” I follow him back towards the double doors he came through.

  The two of us head down the hallway in silence not saying anything even as we climb into the elevator. However the second the doors shut, an unmistakable sob escapes Stuart. He buckles.

  “Babe,” my voice reactively says while my arms fly around him to hold him up.

  Stuart’s arms tighten around me, embracing so tight I can barely breathe. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Unsure of what to say I just let him continue to stay wrapped around me hugging him back as tight as possible. He continues sobbing the apology in a hoarse voice.

  I don’t wanna tell him. I should’ve let the doctor.

  The doors open on the floor where NICU is located and we drop from each other’s embrace. However to my surprise, Stuart tightly grips my hand as he leads me to the corner of the waiting area. I sit down beside him, our hands still joined, and let out a simple sigh.

  “I owe you more than an apology,” he begins trying to stop the tears. “I owe you more than I’ll ever be able to make up to you in several life times, but I can at least start with the truth.” Seeing that he has my full attention he begins, “Sara and I grew up in the same town. She was actually C.J.’s neighbor. We weren’t best friends or anything but friendly enough. She moved to town around the same time C.J. did. After my final break up with Jack I went over to her apartment. Made her believe I was coming over so she wouldn’t be lonely in a new city when the truth was I didn’t wanna be alone. I had already been drinking but we drank more. One thing lead to another and I had unprotected sex with her.”

  My jaw hits the ground.

  Why isn’t yours on there too? Did you know?

  “Which was stupid on all fronts. I mean, she’s the first and only girl I’ve ever actually slept with. It was awkward. Weird. And uncomfortable. Afterward I didn’t know what to do so I left. My plan was to never call her again, but a couple weeks later, she called me and told me to buckle up, because we were going to be parents.”

  Unsure of what to say I whisper out, “Wow.”

  “And she wanted a relationship, which is when I had to break the news to her that I was gay. We fought. A lot. She said some very hateful things and refused to let me help with anything. We’ve been fighting custody issues for months. Finally she threw down the final straw when said she was packing up her shit, moving back to Maryland and would do everything she could to deem me as an unfit parent. To keep my parental rights from me, and before you say that it was an empty threat, let me assure you Sara doesn’t make empty threats. And C.J. isn’t the only one with strings to pull in that department. So instead of waiting for him to come through like I knew he would, I caved. Fear of never seeing my child forced me to cave. Selfish fear of her telling my parents something I had worked hard to keep from them caused me to give in. She wanted me to commit on paper in a contract that I wouldn’t engage in any sort of romantic or sexual activities until the baby was born.”

  “Why?”

  “Revenge. Spite. The chance to convince me that I’m not gay and it’s just a phase...” He shrugs. “Didn’t matter. There wasn’t any reason I couldn’t sign those papers. It had felt like you barely looked at me like that before that night I walked into the ER.”

  “I had always looked at you,” I confess quietly.

  “Then you blew me off and I knew it was for the best. But I’m fucking selfish and couldn’t stay away from you. Even for the sake of my child,” he says harshly to himself, clearly still self-loathing over it. “But I just...you...” his eyes drift back up to me. “You’re you.”

  Trying not to be offended I bite, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You’ve got this magnetic field around you and people can’t stay away. And you wanna take care of everyone and it’s beautiful. Then I saw the look on your face when I offered to take care of you and something inside of me told me it was my job to be the one there for you.” My own heart aches at the confession. “So I risked it all. And I hid us as best as I could, but in the end...it didn’t matter.”

  “You were stuck choosing between the love for me and the love for your future son?”

  “I tried to have both,” he whispers slinking into the chair. “And I’m afraid now I’m gonna end up with neither.”

  Squeezing his hand tighter I ask, “How is he?”

  “Breathing,” he says optimistically. “I’m not sure. They say he looks better than expected for what he went through, but they wanna keep him for a few days and monitor him.” Stuart shakes his head slowly. “I don’t think I can do this alone Luke.”

  With a soft smile I nod. “You don’t have to. You’ve got a whole family downstairs here for you.”

  “And you?” He strokes the back of my hand with his thumb. “Do I have you here with me?”

  “Yes.” I bring his hand to my lips and plant a kiss. He smiles, but I shake my head. “But I have to tell you something first.” The relief washes away and he raises his eyebrows. “Sara....Sara didn’t make it Stuart.”

  His hand loosens as the air that looks like it was in his body leaves. “But...but...”

  “We tried everything we could. I swear. She was in a severe state by the time she came in. I can’t give you details, but let’s just say her chances were low when she got here. The baby’s too. I’m sorry.” Tears start streaming from his face and on instinct I wrap him up tightly against me, fingers rubbing down his back as his cries pour out harder than before.

  I remember I held Erin like this when our parents died. I promised myself I’d never let my family have to experience death like that again. And I’ve failed. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel like it is. I feel there’s more I should’ve been able to do. To protect him. To save him from the pit I can see him spiraling into.

  Chapter 25

  Stuart

  Surrounded by the family in the NICU, I rest my head against my palm as Erin sits crossed legged in front of me disbelief still on her face.

  “But I don’t understand,” she insists. “What kind of woman does that?”

  “A twisted one,” C.J. replies quickly. I shoot him a look to show some respect and he adds, “May God have mercy on her soul.”

  “She’s gonna need it,” the Kid mumbles from beside his mother who elbows him.

  “So what’s gonna happen next?” Kellar questions leaning forward on his legs. “I mean, her parents were called, but what about your contract? Custody?”

  “Well,” C.J. sighs crossing his leg. “Stuart is the father so he has all his rights. Taking into consideration the pro-father state the county his son was born in, chances of a judge ruling him an unfit parent at this point are slimmer than my girlfriend’s waist. As far as her con
tract, the proof she was going to use for blackmail was destroyed in the accident. Computer included. Police report said not much was salvageable from the contents inside.”

  “Didn’t she email the photos to her lawyer?” I rub the stubble on my chin I didn’t realize was coming in.

  “Weirdest thing happened.” C.J. tries not to smirk. “He went to verify the file and it was gone. Completely gone from his computer like it was never there.”

  Our eyes drift to Tony, our computer savvy family member. Innocently he shrugs, “What?”

  “Nothing.” C.J. raises his hands. “Nothing at all.”

  Tony nods slowly. “Good.” C.J. goes to remove his phone from his pocket at the same time Tony shoots me a wink.

  I simply nod in his direction for thanks.

  Not legal, but what the lawyer doesn’t know won’t kill him. Besides, do you really want my son raised by someone whose family is filled with as much hate as she was?

  “Fuck,” I mumble in sheer exhaustion.

  In a yawn the Kid points, “Mouth.”

  “Shouldn’t you be in school?” Tony questions.

  “With my entire family and baby cousin in the hospital? No. I can skip school.”

  “I don’t know, maybe with your latest grades I don’t know that you should,” Tony counters.

  “Did you tell everyone?” the Kid snaps at Maxx. “Everyone had to know about the one bad grade I made?”

  “One?” Kellar steps into the conversation. “No. Your grades are slipping all around. And even if she did tell your Uncle Tony, so the fuck what? We’re family. We all care about you. We have all banned together to help raise you. So show some goddamn respect to him, me, and the woman who helps raise your mouthy ass every day. And you can stomp and groan and be pissed off all you want about what I just said, but you will change your attitude towards your mother of all people. After everything she’s sacrificed to be there for you, it’s the least you can do.”

  The rest of us give him a long hard stare until he submits with a strong nod.

  In a shaky voice he says, “I’m sorry mom.”

  “That’s a fucking start,” Kellar mumbles leaning backwards yawning himself.

  The Kid leans over to give her an awkward hug mumbling something in her ear before planting a kiss on her cheek.

  “What’s the problem?” Maxx questions.

  “With my grades?” the Kid looks innocent.

  “With your attitude,” Kellar corrects.

  “It’s just...” his eyes wander around all of us. “It’s hard being in this family. I don’t wanna disappoint anyone and the second I feel like I am, it makes me scared.”

  “Scared of what?” Erin inserts.

  “That...that you’re gonna give me back if I’m not perfect. That you’re not gonna want me any more if you find out that I’m...that I’m....”

  “Human?” Tony adds. “Cause that’s what you are Kid. None of us here is perfect.”

  “And there’s not a chance in fucking hell I’d ever give you up Kid,” Kellar says sternly to his son. “You can mess up. You can make mistakes. But you’ll always be my Kid. And you have an entire family here that supports you when you need it, not because you’re perfect but because we fucking love you. And that’s what families do. Got it?”

  “Got it,” he croaks out.

  Why can’t all families be this easy?

  Luke comes from around the corner with coffees, handing them out, to everyone who praises his name in thanks. “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” Relieved to have him back, he comes and sits down beside me, asking, “You doing okay?”

  Looking around at the given situation, I can honestly say I feel a little better. I take my cup from him, “My parents are on their way.”

  “Mr. and Mrs. Ducane,” C.J. states in prestigious tone.

  “Do you have shitty parents too?” Erin questions blowing on her latte.

  “Mouth,” the Kid yawns.

  “I wanna tape yours.” She points at him.

  We snicker and C.J. responds, “He does, but unlike mine they aren’t likely to come around.” After a pause he gives me a deep look. “About anything.”

  “Fuck ‘em,” Erin replies. “If they don’t want you, oh well. We do. And we love you just as you are.”

  “Thanks,” I softly sigh as Luke wraps an arm around my shoulder.

  “No...thank you for yanking my prudish brother out of his dry spell,” her joke causes Luke to choke on his coffee.

  “No ma’am,” he fusses at his sister.

  This is family. Loving. Playful. Here for each other. This is where I want my son raised. If he lives. God I hope he lives. And if he does live, where the hell are we gonna live?

  “Hey.” Luke lightly rubs my shoulder. “Where’d you go?”

  Realizing I was quieter for longer than I thought I was, I whisper, “I was just thinking. The baby and I don’t have anywhere to live.” His eyebrows dart down. “I mean, I sold my apartment already.”

  “You two can move in with me and Erin,” Luke offers.

  “Just you big brother,” she squeaks.

  Confused his head snaps at her, “What do you mean just me?”

  “C.J. and I bought a house together,” she spews in one long drawn out sentence.

  “What?!” His voice booms.

  “Yeah,” she answers in a guilty voice. “After a lot of talk—”

  “A lot of arguing,” C.J. corrects her.

  “You wanna move in by yourself?” she threatens and he shuts his mouth. “After a lot of debate, we decided it was time. Hell we practically were already living together. I didn’t wanna move into his tiny ass apartment. I mean I like space. And he didn’t like the idea of moving into the house with you—”

  “No offense.” C.J. offers.

  “So....we signed the papers for a house earlier this week.”

  Luke’s body stiffens next to me. I drop a supportive hand on his thigh and he glances at me, gray eyes filled with enough anxiety to break my heart all over again.

  At least this time it’s not my fault right?

  “This is a good thing,” Erin hums. “Now Stuart and the baby can live with you. And I don’t feel like the shitty sister I have convinced myself I’m being.”

  Luke asks, “Is that what’s had you in knots? Moving out?”

  Immediately she nods. “I hated the idea of leaving you alone. Leaving you to just...be by yourself, but now you don’t have to.”

  “I’m not a puppy Erin. I can live by myself. I’m an adult.”

  “Don’t be an asshat. I know you are. But you’re happiest when you’re sounded by family. And now...you still can be. You can live together...like a family.”

  “Like a family,” Luke repeats her words now looking into my eyes. “Are you ready for that?”

  I softly question, “To be a family?”

  “To share your burdens?” the response has a sob piercing my vocal cords up. Before I cave into it I nod and he leans over planting a soft kiss on my lips.

  “See. Moving in together is best for everyone,” C.J. adds and Erin kicks him with the point of her high heel. “Ouch!”

  “Well deserved,” she declares.

  The group starts laughing until a nurse appears, “Mr. Ducane?”

  “Yes?” I sit up straight.

  “You can visit your son now,” she offers.

  “Am I the only one?” I ask immediately.

  She folds her hands in front of her, looking around at the group. “At this time just his parents are allowed in to visit him.”

  They nod in understanding and I stand. Looking down at Luke I wait for him to join me. Sensing the bafflement, I shake my head. “She said parents. Aren’t you coming?”

  Breathlessly he says, “You want me to...to be his...”r />
  “If you want to be. No pressure.” His eyes that are full of hope search mine and I playfully clarify, “That is what you meant by family isn’t it?”

  Hearing the group giggle rushes Luke to put his cup down and take my hand walking out of the room with me to the scrubbing station. The two of us scrub up before walking over to where our son is awake. To my surprise his eyes are wide open and he’s actively wiggling.

  The nurse says, “He’s doing really well. I don’t think he’ll have to be here as long as we were originally thinking. The changes from last night to this morning are miraculous. He is definitely a fighter. He won’t have to be in here too much longer. You may hold him if you like.”

  “Yes please,” I answer as she carefully picks him up and places him in my arms for the first time.

  He’s lighter than expected but is staring up at me like he knows exactly who I am. His bright blue eyes are beaming at me like I’m everything he’s hoping I am. Like he loves me. Like he needs me. Like he accepts me just the way I am.

  Sure he’s a newborn, but the look reminds me of the man I love’s gaze. Funny how they don’t share blood but I already feel like he belongs to him.

  “Hey little guy,” Luke softly says over my shoulder, one arm wrapped around my lower back. “You are our little miracle, you know that?” The baby coos a sound like he understands and wiggles in my grasp. “Support his head.” Nervous I fidget and Luke helps me hold him the right way. “Better. You’ll get used to it.”

  “You already are.”

  With a smile he says, “When I first became a nurse, at the end of my shift I used to come up and look in the nursery window. When you’re in the ER you see a lot of death, so seeing life becomes an important balance.”

  I smile back and offer, “Wanna hold him?”

  “Should I?” he worries. “Shouldn’t he bond with you first?”

  “Why? He’s both ours right?”

  Luke smiles widely and nods taking him into his arms. Immediately the baby gets comfortable staring up at Luke with the same happy gaze I received.

  That’s a good sign right? Babies know. They do. They really do!

  “We can’t just keep calling him the baby.” Luke declares making cooing noises at him. “What do you wanna name him?”