Aardvarks to Planet X

by Chris Troman

combat, you may begin." Then he stepped back in to a safe haven, from the carnage that had begun.

  Although some still took in his words, others charged with the rage of battle. Taking advantage of the moment, and instantly slew their nearest opponent. Typhi scanned the crowd for his most hated enemy Rattus, but he failed to see him in the melee. Then a stocky warrior Bovis squared up to him and shouted. "Die puny one." And they locked in mortal combat. Typhi grappled his foe to the ground, and narrowly avoided a blow from a second opponent. But in the manoeuvre he lost his grip on Bovis, who took advantage of this respite to rain blows on Typhi; now beset on two fronts. He struggled up, and standing over his pugilistic opponent Typhi brought down such a blow; that Bovis fell dead at his feet.

  Then he turned his attention to his other assailant. "Rickettsii you swine, sneak up on a warrior when his back is turned." Typhi made a dive for the now backing off figure. He was too quick for Typhi, but not Melitensis a northern warrior. He dispatched the unsuspecting soldier, before advancing on Typhi. But Typhi had just spotted Rattus, and sidestepping his opponent, Typhi dove in to the melee Rattus was engaged in with Burnetii.

  The two were evenly matched, and seemed to be in an endless struggle. But not to be denied his prize, Typhi came down hard on Burnetii from behind. And dispatched him much to the surprise of Rattus. The astonished warrior had a moment to word a stunned "thanks." Then he was knocked sideways out of Typhi's range, and the enraged warrior dove after this new battle. But now a new foe was besetting Typhi. As he fought off the blows that rained down on him, the crowd opened for a second to reveal the hated Rattus.

  So charged with the injustice of losing his prey, Typhi turned to his new assailant Luteus. And attacked with such ferocity, that his opponent was soon backing in to a corner. Regretting not leaving Typhi to another foe. But Typhi relentless to the last, finally left Luteus a bloody mess lying on the floor.

  Then catching his breath, Typhi found he was in an eye of the storm, as the battle still raged around him. Still he could still not see Rattus. Then he spotted Burnetti, a huge warrior bearing down on his prize. And Typhi jumped like a puma on the larger foe. He clung to his back, biting and kicking. While the other tried in vain to pull this fiend incarnate off. Then a blow from behind sent Typhi flying, and he rolled over before hitting a rock and falling unconscious.

  He awoke in a daze, and realised the battle had passed over him. They must have thought him dead; he must have looked a mess. So he took the respite to gather his senses. He checked to see if he was seriously hurt. He thought not, and so he rushed back in to the fray. Typhi got to Aurantius just as he dispatched Melitensis. Then he finished the victor off with a hefty blow to the back of the head. He spotted Rattus again, this time engaged with Ferus in a wrestling hold. It was making Rattus' eyes bulge. But a swift blow in Ferus' side sent him flying against a wall, and Typhi took up the hold on Rattus who was panting on the floor.

  As he now squeezed the life from his hated enemy, the last breaths of Rattus squeezed out. "If you kill me now you'll never know the truth." Typhi was so shocked by this sudden confidence, that he loosened his grip. Just as the recovered Ferus dove on Typhi. Rattus was sent flying, and Typhi and Ferus rolled around on the floor in a death struggle. Finally Typhi stood victor of that fight to the death, but to his annoyed rage Rattus was no longer in sight.

  Then a blow sent him flying, and Typhi struggled to his feet to face Vaginalis. He was one of the biggest warriors Typhi had ever seen. Typhi ducked and dove in for hits, but the massive foe seemed unbeatable. At least Typhi managed to dodge any more blows; from the massive hammer like fists. Then Typhi got one blow in a soft spot, and the giant of an opponent went down in his own world of pain. Once immobilised Typhi soon dispatched his foe, and turning realised there were only two other opponents standing. Rattus and Gardnerella. Gardnerella was advancing on Rattus, as he cowered before his massive adversary.

  The giant was so intent on his prey, that he didn't notice Typhi take a running jump, and plant both feet in the gargantuan back. It cracked and folded, as none should. Then at last Typhi was free to dispatch Rattus, but his target was busy climbing up a wall and shouted down. "If you kill me, you'll just have a bigger opponent to fight in the Jenjuni wastes." This was no news to Typhi, so he spat back. "I know, for the honour of the empire." He was enraged at this snivelling wretch. "But" Rattus jeered, "did you know emperor Smegmatis only sends the winner of these games, so he won't be killed himself." If you win, why don't you kill him too. Then you can be the new emperor. And others can fight for you?"

  Typhi paused in confusion for a moment. A moment too long, for Rattus having anticipated this confusion in his foe, jumped down with a rock between his hands. He was intent on dispatching Typhi, but Typhi was still too quick and he caught Rattus by the wrist. And Typhi flipped him on his back. Then using the rock intended for his demise, Typhi dispatched his last opponent.

  Typhi stood panting, as the lore master approached. He had seen from afar that the battle was finally done, and he had come to receive the victor. "I hail you victor of the Genitalium games. May you henceforth be known as Salmonella Typhi. You may subdivide."

  Soon the stadium was filled with exact copies of the victor. Absorbing all in his way, to fuel his many fold brothers in arms. But instead of marching off to fight the foes, in the Jenjuni wastes. The army turned towards the royal palace. It enveloped it so fast, that it caught the emperor napping, when the force burst in to his inner chamber. Smegmatis had no time to counter a defence. Thus the reign passed swiftly from Smegmatis the third, to Typhi the first.

  Doctor Penrith put the petri dish down, and turning to his assistant triumphantly announced. "Salmonella Typhi seems to be a good candidate for countering Viridans Streptococci. Lets do some more tests on that bacteria."

  Appointment With Death

  Norm Caprice had no right being on this rooftop. But it was a drunken bet, and you had to do a drunken bet. It was one of those unwritten rules, like scoffing the last nibble at a party when everyone else was just too polite to take it. Or finishing that final pint when last orders have been called. And you're too drunk to see strait.

  So Norm wobbled around on the tightrope of a wall, which surrounded the high tower he was now on. He felt the breeze as it pushed him, first this way and then that. It was never quite enough to blow him to the gravel of the felt roof. Or the hard concrete thirty-foot below.

  Then disaster struck. The wind died, and with no natural enemy to fight. His muscles decided to strike anyway, it was a fifty fifty chance. One way to scuffed palms, the other. Well let's not go there just yet. Somewhere deep down in a recess of his brain, common sense told him to just crumple and hug the wall. But somewhere between the vital message and his legs, that last pint slipped in to gear. Stiffening, he toppled out in to the cool air, as it whooshed up past him.

  Norm was O.K. As far as he was concerned the decision was made, and he relaxed as time spread out. He quite casually noticed the spinning of his surroundings, and the almost cushioning feel to the air, as it tried to get out of his way. Then a resounding thud knocked the air from his lungs. Along with the life from his body, but he was too anesthetized by the nights booze filled bonanza to notice.

  After a while norm sat up, he felt cold, well no not actually cold. It was more that he should be cold. It was late November, and the stars were out. He should by rights be shivering, and then it struck him. Did you get hypothermia if you didn't shiver? The shock brought him to his senses, or at least as close as his alcohol-fuelled mind could approach, to any reasonable definition of sense.

  It was only then that he noticed the extra set of legs. He didn't seem to have blurred vision. A pathetic wave of his hands before his eyes, put paid to that theory. So why did he now have four legs? Ideas popped up, he was a horse, no too stupid, he was sat on someone, possible. Then he looked down and got the shock of his life, or death as the case may be. For what Norm took to be his body, was somehow mer
ged with a very messy Norm Caprice, mangled on the concrete floor.

  He got up so quickly his head reeled, and stood facing the mess. Who the hell was that? He looks like me kind of, but only if I'd been in a fight with a jack hammer and lost. This was a little too much for Norm, and so he staggered off. Let someone else cope with it. The streets were clearing now, and the odd drunk that staggered past Norm, paid him as much heed as he did them.

  After some time, Norm wasn't sure how much. He hit a major street deserted now, but for a single figure making his own way over the empty stretch of tarmac. Before Norm could register it, a streak of light blue shot past him. And the lone figure flew up over the speeding car, now screeching to a halt. Red lights glared on the grisly sight, before Norm's stunned feet. A mangled heap of arms and legs, bent beyond any normal configuration. With another ear splitting screech, the car tore off leaving Norm in the silent void behind it.

  Norm noticed a figure bent over the body on the floor. Some well meaning soul, come to offer respite. Too late thought Norm. So maybe some form of carrion crow, come to pick the corpse clean of valuables. Neither it turned out, for to Norm’s amazed eyes