The Child's Secret

by Amanda Brooke

  Nine hundred and thirty.

  The shoebox had been retrieved from its hiding place under his bed and was now on the bookshelf, ready for the new additions that might just complete the set. As he reached for another piece of paper, the screen on his phone glowed, its soft light casting ghoulish shadows off the carcasses of the paper birds. His eyes stung as he adjusted to the light, but there was no mistaking the name on the caller display.

  ‘Laura? Are you all right?’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘Sorry for leaving it so late but this is the first chance I’ve had to ring you.’

  ‘What’s happening?’

  ‘I’m on my way over to pick Jasmine up from Natalie’s.’

  Sam closed his eyes and let the relief wash away the tension and fear. He had gone through countless scenarios in the last few hours, most of which involved Finn losing his temper or Laura losing her nerve. At last it was happening. At last they could be removed from harm’s way.

  ‘Do you need me to do anything? Do you want me to pick you up?’

  He could hear Laura’s footsteps along the pavement. They faltered and then there was silence.

  ‘Laura?’

  ‘I told Finn,’ she began. ‘And he surprised me, if I’m honest. He took it – well, maybe not well, but much better than I expected. He recognized that he has a problem and what happened the other week when I cracked my ribs was a wake-up call for him.’

  Sam was leaning on the table, a hand propping up his head as he listened to Laura with growing dread. Don’t do this, he begged her silently. Don’t fall for Finn’s twisted reality.

  When he gave no response, Laura filled the silence. She sounded a little less sure of herself now. ‘He doesn’t want me to leave, of course he doesn’t. There were the inevitable accusations about me seeing someone else but I hit back with some of my own. He didn’t admit to an affair, and I didn’t expect him to, but I think we’re both agreed that it doesn’t really matter. The problem lies with our relationship and his behaviour, irrespective of who else may or may not be involved.’

  Still Sam refused to ask the question that was crying out to be answered. For the first time since meeting Laura he felt no desire to make it easier on her and that realization was destroying him.

  ‘He wants me to stay in the house, Sam. He thinks it’s unfair to uproot Jasmine when she’s had such a hard time of late. I told him I was thinking of booking into a bed and breakfast.’ She tried to laugh as she said, ‘That’s partly true, isn’t it?’

  Again Sam gave no response.

  Laura took a deep breath. ‘We are splitting up, Sam,’ she said. ‘I’ve told Finn the damage has been done and it’s too late to repair our relationship. I wasn’t interested in hearing promises that I know he’ll break the moment the going gets tough and he goes on another binge. He made some noises about going to the AA, but I’ll believe that when I see it. And like I said, it doesn’t matter any more.’

  Breaking his silence at last, Sam asked, ‘So if you’re staying in the house, does that mean Finn’s the one who’s leaving?’ He thought he could already guess at the answer.

  ‘Not yet,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t ready to up and leave on the spur of the moment and I wouldn’t expect Finn to do that either. We’ve agreed that he’ll move out next weekend, which gives him enough time to find somewhere to stay and then, in the long term, we have to look at how to split up the assets. That’s what we spent most of the afternoon discussing. I can’t afford to keep the house on by myself so we’ll probably sell it. We’ll have to involve solicitors eventually but for now I can’t believe how amicable he’s being.’

  ‘Me neither.’

  ‘There’s no going back, Sam. This time next week, Finn will be moving out.’

  Sam sat back in his chair. ‘It’s your decision. This has nothing to do with me, Laura. I was offering you a place to stay, that’s all.’

  The conversation had stalled to a stop. Sam pressed the phone a little harder against his ear, wanting to feel Laura close but realizing that was never meant to be. He wasn’t convinced Laura, and especially Finn, would follow through with their plans, and if he had any sense he wouldn’t hang around long enough to find out. When the call ended with awkward goodbyes, Sam shuffled into his bedroom. There was a holdall on top of the wardrobe that was big enough for all his worldly possessions. His running shoes were on the floor. He debated long and hard which to pick up first.

  39

  Tuesday 6 October 2015

  Allowing only a week for Finn to find a new place to live was probably a little optimistic, so when the weekend of his supposed departure came and went with more excuses than action, Laura wasn’t too worried. Finn’s behaviour was otherwise exemplary, and although she knew it wouldn’t last, the important point was that it didn’t have to. All she had to do was help him stay on the straight and narrow long enough to find a place to stay and maybe a job too. He had already sent off half a dozen applications and had been for an interview which sounded promising, so there really was no reason to worry when she found herself doing the weekly shop and buying enough to feed three hungry mouths as usual.

  Her cracked ribs were healing, but as she carried the shopping bags from the car into the house, she felt a twinge and grimaced. Finn was standing at the kitchen door watching her and there was a moment when she thought he was going to offer to take the heavy load from her.

  ‘Is that the look I can expect every time you walk in the door?’ Finn said.

  With a sinking heart, Laura tried to keep her tone light. ‘These bags are breaking my arms … could you help?’

  ‘Why yes, I’d love to break your arms, dear.’

  Laura chose to ignore the remark and shuffled past Finn with the bulging bags. She was keenly aware that she was being watched as she began unpacking. ‘Where’s Jasmine?’ she asked.

  ‘In her room.’

  ‘OK,’ she replied in a cheery tone. ‘How about I make a start on the tea?’

  She was in the process of emptying the last bag when Finn grabbed it from her and searched the contents. ‘What’s this? Can’t you even trust me with one can of beer? Is that what we’ve been reduced to?’

  ‘We agreed, Finn. You didn’t want me to get any. What’s wrong? What’s happened?’

  Finn’s face twitched as if her soothing words were a swarm of angry bees. ‘I’m going to the pub.’

  In that moment, Laura knew what a terrible mistake she had made. She should have left Finn when she had the chance, but she had felt sorry for him. She had thought she had spied some remnant of the man she had once loved, someone she could still reason with. She had been prepared to be proved wrong and that day had come, but Laura wasn’t going to let things return to the way they were before. If she allowed that to happen then there really was no hope for her.

  Straightening up to face her husband, a sudden calmness descended over Laura. ‘No, Finn,’ she said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘If you go to the pub then don’t expect me to be here waiting when you get home. I won’t live in fear any more, and I’m certainly not going to face another night waiting for you to come home, not knowing what kind of mood you’ll be in.’

  Finn’s reaction was mocking. He laughed until the tears were rolling down his face and then that face changed. ‘OK, Laura, you go,’ he said coldly and quietly. ‘Go now. Shall I pack your bags for you? I know what, I’ll call a taxi. Where would you like to go? Is Sam keeping his bed warm for you?’

  Refusing to be intimidated, Laura said, ‘I can manage on my own.’ She tried not to let her fear show as she stepped past Finn and into the hallway.

  ‘Yeah, you do that. Don’t worry about me and Jasmine. We’ll manage just fine without you.’

  Laura stopped. ‘No, Jasmine’s coming with me.’

  ‘Oh no she isn’t. Do you think I’d let you take her so you can play happy families with the weirdo who talks to trees for a living?’

  ‘It’s not y
our choice,’ Laura said, trying to sound stronger than she felt.

  Finn reached her in two strides, grabbing her by the throat and pinning her against the staircase. ‘It is my choice,’ he hissed. ‘If you go, Laura, then you go on your own.’

  He began to tighten his grip around her neck and she sucked what little air she could into her lungs. With his face only inches from hers, Laura could feel his breath on her face. There was a faint hint of coffee but nothing else. Finn was stone-cold sober which made his attack all the more frightening. She clawed at his hands as her vision transformed into flashes of light and dark. She thought she was going to pass out when Finn relaxed his grip just enough for her to speak. He was playing with her but she wasn’t ready to give up the fight, not yet. ‘Please, Finn, no. You can’t keep Jasmine. You don’t want a child dragging you down – isn’t that what you’ve always told me?’

  ‘I’ve changed my mind,’ he said casually as he let go of her neck and stepped away. ‘We need to stay together, Laura; I’ve decided that’s the best thing for our daughter and I can’t believe you’d consider anything else. You really want her to be holed up in some grotty bedsit, whether that’s with you or me? I can’t believe what a heartless mother you are, but if you do try to take her,’ he said, ‘then I think I can produce enough evidence to prove what an unfit mother you are.’

  Laura was gulping air as she asked, ‘What evidence?’

  Finn shrugged. ‘The way you left Jasmine to roam free – don’t you remember how I lost my job because I was so worried I had to go home without permission? I didn’t want my daughter racing off to the park to see some loner who’s a little bit too obsessed with our family, and all with your encouragement. And now I’ve been turned down for yet another job because I had to be honest with my potential employers and tell them I have dependents and an incapable wife.’

  ‘You didn’t get the job,’ Laura said, more to herself than to Finn. It only ever took one setback for Finn to relapse into his old ways and that had been it.

  Finn shrugged off the comment. ‘That’s not what’s worrying me now; it’s Jasmine’s welfare. I’ve already mentioned to Anna how worried I am for her safety. Schools have a lot of influence with social services, you know. You may think you can take her, Laura, but I promise you, I’ll get her back if you do.’

  Laura was too stunned to move and even if she could, she didn’t know which direction to turn.

  ‘Now,’ Finn said, bringing the conversation to a swift conclusion, ‘you stay there and I’ll go out. If you want to leave, by all means go, but at least be responsible enough to phone and ask me to come home to look after Jasmine. I can trust you to do that, can’t I? You wouldn’t completely abandon her?’

  When Finn left the house, Laura managed to move but only as far as the living room. She watched Finn’s shadow dance across the window in the direction of the King’s Arms and there was nothing she could do except wait for its return. She was utterly defeated.

  While Laura paced the floor waiting for Finn, Sam was preparing to shave off another millimetre from the soles of his running shoes. In the last ten days he had been out running every day, only returning home when he was sure he would be too tired to give into his much stronger compulsion to pack his bags. For the first week he had clung to the vain hope that Laura would contact him at the weekend to say Finn had left home. She hadn’t, and in truth he hadn’t expected the call and he certainly didn’t expect it now.

  He had come home from work and changed straight into his running gear as usual but he hadn’t been able to leave the apartment. Jasper looked at him in confusion and wagged his tail slowly in expectation that for once Sam wasn’t going to go straight out again. Unfortunately for the pup, Sam was still intent on leaving, only this time it would be for much, much longer.

  Sam was slow and deliberate when he pulled the holdall down from the top of his wardrobe; it was as if he couldn’t quite believe what his body was doing. His decision wasn’t a conscious one but it didn’t need to be. He had rehearsed what he was about to do so many times in his mind that he didn’t need to think, he only needed to act. Gradually, he built up speed and in no time at all he had thrown everything he needed into his holdall and the remainder into bin bags. He took the rubbish downstairs where he bumped into Selina who had heard him moving about and was ready to pounce.

  She knew immediately what he was up to but there was still a note of disbelief when she asked, ‘You’re leaving?’

  ‘I can’t stay,’ he said. ‘I can’t live like this, Selina.’

  ‘Have you spoken to Laura? Has she said what’s happening?’

  Sam couldn’t hold Selina’s gaze. He shook his head.

  ‘Then you can’t leave, not yet. I won’t let you.’

  Lifting a bag of rubbish, he said, ‘Let me get rid of this and then we’ll sit down and have a talk. Have you had dinner yet?’

  Selina folded her arms. ‘No.’

  ‘I have a couple of ready meals to use up, if I can tempt you.’

  ‘Our last supper?’

  Sam didn’t answer but went outside to throw out the rubbish. When he came back into the house, Selina was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. She had her house phone in her hand.

  ‘Phone her.’

  ‘I can’t do that, Selina. If she needed me she would have called, and besides, I can’t just ring her when there’s every chance that Finn will be home too. I don’t want to put her in an awkward position.’

  ‘Then I’ll phone her. What’s her number?’

  Sam considered telling her he didn’t know without looking at his mobile, but it was committed to memory and denying it would only delay the inevitable. ‘It’s a waste of time,’ he said. His body tensed as he punched in Laura’s number as if he were turning to stone. ‘There’s nothing that you or Laura for that matter could say to change my mind.’

  His landlady sniffed the air and put the phone to her ear. As she waited for the call to be answered, her confidence began to wane. ‘She’s not picking up. Should I leave one of those message things?’

  ‘No,’ Sam hissed. ‘Finn might hear it.’ He was about to grab the phone before Selina caused untold trouble when his landlady’s face brightened.

  ‘Hello? Laura?’ she asked. ‘It’s Selina. Can you talk?’

  Presumably Laura said yes because in the next moment, Selina was handing Sam the phone he no longer wanted to take from her. He took it reluctantly and said, ‘Hi, Laura, it’s me. How are things?’

  He held his breath and, despite himself, hoped that by some miracle she would say Finn had gone, or that they were leaving and she wanted to come over straight away.

  ‘There’s been a change of plan,’ she said.

  ‘You’re staying together.’

  ‘Yes, I think it’s for the best. For Jasmine’s sake,’ she said.

  Sam listened to the intonation of her voice, searching out the slightest clue that might give away her thoughts. Was she absolutely sure it was for the best, or was she waiting for Sam to give her that final push to leave? He heard neither suggestion; her voice was calm, cold even.

  ‘Maybe you’re right,’ Sam said and kept his eyes cast down so he couldn’t see Selina glaring at him.

  ‘Divorce can be really hard on the children, can’t it?’ Laura asked.

  ‘I’m the last person you should be asking, Laura. It’s your choice and I hope it works out for you, really I do,’ he said. ‘We all have decisions to make, and we have to live by them I suppose.’

  Laura didn’t ask what decisions Sam might be about to make, but she could probably guess. The conversation and their friendship had run its course and what remained was a long, uncomfortable pause which Sam didn’t want to end, not when the only alternative was to say goodbye.

  ‘I’d better let you go then,’ she said.

  ‘Yes.’

  Another pause filled with longing.

  ‘Bye, Laura.’

  Sam cut the call
and handed the phone back to Selina. ‘Dinner will be ready in ten minutes,’ he said and went upstairs without another word.

  While the microwave hummed, Sam paced the floor, closely shadowed by Jasper. He didn’t want to leave Laura and Jasmine to their fate but what could he do? He had to accept Laura’s decision, it was hers to make, not his. He refused to feel guilty for turning his back on them. He couldn’t be expected to live like this. He was leaving and no one would stop him this time, although the octogenarian who knocked on his door ten minutes later had a somewhat different opinion.

  ‘So this is it, then?’ she asked, taking a look around the empty room.

  ‘In case you hadn’t worked it out, Laura has decided to stay with Finn. I wish them well – but that’s about all I can do. There’s nothing left to discuss, with her or with you,’ he added, hoping she would take the hint.

  Selina put down the shopping bag she had brought with her and sat down heavily at the dining table which had been set for two. ‘What’s for dinner then?’

  Sam didn’t press her for any further reaction; it would come soon enough, so he kept quiet and served up.

  Selina pulled a face at the defrosted shepherd’s pie on her plate. ‘What’s for dessert? Rice pudding out of a tin?’

  ‘Sorry, I know it’s not up to your standards but it fills a gap,’ he said.

  ‘And empties your cupboards,’ Selina said as she watched him chase garden peas around his plate. ‘What are you doing about your job? Don’t you have to work your notice?’

  He stabbed at a pea, crushing it. ‘I don’t suppose they’ll be too pleased when I phone up tomorrow to say I’m not coming in, and God knows what kind of reference I’ll get, but I’ll manage.’